Blowing Up a Pointless Job Interview

Nemo the Magnificent writes "Ever been asked a question in a job interview that's just so abysmally stupid, you're tempted to give in to the snark and blow the whole thing up? Here are suggested interview-ending answers to 16 of the stupidest questions candidates actually got asked in interviews at tech companies in 2013, according to employment site Glassdoor. Oil to pour on the burning bridges."

Comments

Interview ending question

[Anonymous Coward]

"Do you have any weaknesses?"
"Yes, I hate stupid interview questions"

Re:Interview ending question

[ifiwereasculptor]

I actually did this once (did not get the job, despite being recommended by a friend who worked there):

-Name three of your strengths.
-Well... I'm honest and... let's see... I'm reasonably quick to spot and diagnose flaws in any given system... and I'd say I'm creative.
-Good. And do you have any weaknesses?
-I'm a liar.

Re:Interview ending question

[Anonymous Coward]

-I'm a liar.

You're hired! Your new job involves lying to customers.

Re:Interview ending question

[TheLink]

Sure: weakness to fire, earth, lightning, cold, poison and to 90% cocoa dark chocolate.

*Note: partial list.

Re:Interview ending question

[ifiwereasculptor]

You have no idea how right you are. It was for a position in marketing.

Re:Interview ending question

[Black LED]

I once knew a professional trumpet player (doctor of music) who would do fake auditions for the hell of it. He bought a cheap violin, which he had no idea how to play, and would just fake it at auditions.

Re:Interview ending question

[Rob the Bold]

"Do you have any weaknesses?"

Blondes, brunettes and redheads.

Re:Interview ending question

[cold fjord]

-Good. And do you have any weaknesses?
-I'm a liar.

Oh, you want the marketing interview, this is engineering. Down the hall, to the left.

They may not be expecting you, but they'll want you.

Re:Interview ending question

[Gort65]

"Do you have any weaknesses?" "Kryptonite."

In that case, you might want to add an inability to correctly put on underwear.

Re:Interview ending question

[NFN_NLN]

"Do you have any weaknesses?"
"Yes, I hate stupid interview questions"

Seen this joke but never used it.

Q: List one of your weaknesses.
A: I'm honest.
Q: I don't think that's a weakness.
A: I don't give a shit what you think.

Re:Interview ending question

[__aaltlg1547]

"Do you have any weaknesses?"

"Wow, you ARE a rube. Look, when you read the manual -- you did read the manual didn't you?-- where it says you should try to discover any weakness in the interview candidate, it means you're supposed to be subtle, not come right out and ask. Because they candidate is NEVER going to just come right out and tell you about his weaknesses. He's here to tell you about his strengths. Or I am, which is why I'm not going to answer that question.

"Let me see that list of questions... OH MY GOD, it actually SAYS that? Who gave you this list? That person is trying to make you look like an ass. I am so sorry you had to deal with this. Can I get you something? Oh, sorry, it's your workplace. Well, I'm sorry about that too. No one should have to put up with this."

Re:Interview ending question

[Opportunist]

*opens wallet*

Sure! If you have some, I can even show you how I can lift and carry around 100 pounds.

Re:Interview ending question

[Anonymous Coward]

Since it's a dumb question, why not get creative?

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?

A: Crawling through the tunnels under the launch pad, about to try to sneak on to a Soyuz rocket. But in case my interview with the CIA doesn't go well, I'm interviewing here as a backup.
A: A kept boy-toy living with Scarlett Johansen working on my "screenplay."
A: Well, after the financial crash and, ultimately, the dissolution of the USA, I'll retreat to my underground bunker where I have about 3 years worth of food stored. After some time, I'll join a collective of local survivalists who band together to increase their food supply. We'll go out in raiding parties for the next few years scavenging whatever supplies we can from the lesser-prepared survivors. I can't tell you my exact location though, as that would compromise the safety of our raiding party. Suffice it to say, you won't hear us coming and it will be over before you know it.
A: After a chance encounter on a bus where my husky voice is recognized by an executive at an ad agency, I'll get an audition and eventually win the part of the voice over for a series of commercials advertising a new line of super-absorbent Bounty paper towels, "The Quickerer Pickerer Upper", err...but after it's revealed that the ultra absorbency is actually the result adding repurposed waste from the Fukushima reactor and a bunch of kids get cancer, they company will make me the fall guy and I'll be serving 10-20 years at a Federal correctional facility, doing an interview with 60 minutes protesting my innocence. Anderson Cooper will ask me, where did things go wrong for you and I'll think, and then eventually say, "5 years, to the day, I interviewed for a position that I didn't get. I was asked where I saw myself in 5 years and instead of a staid, boring answer like 'Happily employed here.', I tried to be a bit more creative. Everything just spiraled out of control from that point."

Re:Interview ending question

[Paradise Pete]

The only correct answer when someone asks about caliber is "45 caliber"

My father, a larger man, once worked as a human cannonball at the circus. He hated it, but when he tried to leave they told him "You can't quit! Where would we ever find another man of your caliber?"

Re:Interview ending question

[aaribaud]

"On second thought: you're fired."

Re:Interview ending question

[serviscope_minor]

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?

On the other side of the table, asking much less stupid interview questions.

Re:Interview ending question

[HetMes]

You absolutely have to follow that with "Is that going to be a problem here?"

Re:Interview ending question

[nospam007]

"-Name three of your strengths."

1. Fear
2. Surprise
3. An almost fanatical devotion to the pope.

Tame and lame

[Anonymous Coward]

Somewhat interesting concept, but those were really lame.

Then again, the closest I have done was when asked if I had any experience with clearcase or rhapsody. My response was something along the lines of "yes, but I've been trying to put that behind me".

Re:Tame and lame

[ifiwereasculptor]

Seconded. Incredibly lame answers. He missed the obvious answer to #3:

3) "If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?" -- Apple, Specialist interview.

That would mostly depend on which neighborhoods I'd be delivering to. I suppose I could feel a bit safer, though since almost every robber has a gun, now, I'm not sure scissors would cut it. (for best results, interrupt the next question with "get it? 'cut it'", then maintain a blank stare for as long as possible)

Re:Tame and lame

[NFN_NLN]

3) "If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?" -- Apple, Specialist interview.

It was a trick question to determine how much shame you have. The answer would be to jam them in your throat and hope you are reincarnated into a better life.

Re:Tame and lame

[strength_of_10_men]

3) "If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?" -- Apple, Specialist interview.

"Well, I would still have to watch out for rock, but I wouldn't be very afraid of paper."

Re:Tame and lame

[Anonymous Coward]

Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Especially when "the group" has a particular existing racial and gender makeup...

So what you're saying is that you would not hire a racist homophobe because he doesn't fit in with your group. Hypocrite.

Re:Tame and lame

[necro81]

So what you're saying is that you would not hire a racist homophobe because he doesn't fit in with your group. Hypocrite.

That's because I just can't tolerate intolerance!

Are you SURE this is a company?

[Anonymous Coward]

http://xkcd.com/1293/

um, yeah

[roc97007]

I would be reluctant to blow up an interview just because there aren't that many people in my field, and no matter how ridiculous this particular interview, I might run into these people in some other environment where I *wanted* the job.

But this calls to mind a time I was trying to get an associate a job, who had been out of work more than two years. I had aced the interview, but we could not agree on price (they were offering a little less than what I was currently making) so we parted on good terms. I got in touch with them later, told them I personally vouched for another IT professional who would be a good fit for the position. They called him in for the interview. A few questions in, this happened:

"Describe a good work day."

"Well, I suppose that'd be a day when I haven't killed anyone."

Interview over.

Sigh. You just can't help some people.

What is the difference between a duck?

[wisnoskij]

"How would you move a mountain using only a spoon?
  If you were in a box, how would you think outside it?
  Last question: What is the difference between a duck?"

Ghostbusters FTW

[Anonymous Coward]

Best. Interview question. EVER.

"Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?"

Re:Ghostbusters FTW

[lgw]

If there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say.

Re:Ghostbusters FTW

[funwithBSD]

Say what again, motherfucker.

WTF #28

[Tablizer]

I once was given a "security" questionnaire that asked, "Have you ever had sex with animals or office equipment?"

I was very tempted to write in, "Do hair-dryers count?".

#10 square feet of pizza

[Anonymous Coward]

var pizzaRadius = 1; // one foot
var pizzaPi = Math.PI; // 3.14...
var pizzaArea = pizzaPi * pizzaRadius * pizzaRadius; // pi * r^2, or 3.14 sq.

well. I know that i'm not gonna hire you.

Re:yes & glad i resisted temptation

[NFN_NLN]

I once got asked a question which I found hurtful and offensive, and felt tempted to 'blow up' the interview at that point. Fortunately, I resisted the temptation. As it turns out, the question was his way of introducing the next thing, which was telling me that he was offering me the job.

I hear what you're saying. Regardless of your appearance they're not suppose to ask if you're a pre-op transsexual; but I'm glad you resisted blowing-up over it.

this was the best:

[Ralph Spoilsport]

My roommate back in the early 90s went on a job interview in the late 80s. He said he walked into the place, took one wiff and said "No. Fucking. Way." But, he had budgeted the time, so he figured, "Why not?" So he goes to the interview and he's interviewed by some twit (we'll call him "Jimmy") right out of university who has no idea what he's doing. He's reading questions off a card. At that point, my friend, Mr.Max, had had enough and said to himself, "fuck this shit."

So, the conversation went like this:

Jimmy: so, Mr Max, um, what was the worst job you ever had? M: Pulling the gold teeth out of the mouths of people who had just been shot. JImmy (appalled, but compelled to follow form): And, uuuuh, why did you leave that job? M: No career advancement - what was I supposed to do, graduate to actually shooting people? I don't think so. That requires skill. Jimmy: OK... well let's change subject to more psychological questions. What is your favourite colour? M: Clear. Jimmy: Clear's not a colour. M: I have a crayon that says it's clear. Crayons have colours. If I had said teal, or Forest Green what that have been OK? They have crayons for those too, ya know. Jimmy: Right. Well one more question... What do you like best about yourself? M: (leaning in closely to Jimmy and in a low voice): I'm a good friend.... Jimmy: Well, thank you very much and we'll call you if we feel there is a position for you here. M: Right. Have a nice day! Jimmy: good bye... (throws resume in trash...)

My favorite one...

[hackus]

Interviewer: Describe your dream job.

Me: I will have to sleep it, I will be right back.

(Put the phone down and let them eat crickets until the line disconnected.)

Best nap I ever had too.

-Hack

PS: Oh, as for the Dream. I forgot to write it down when I woke up. Go figure.

Why do you want this job?

[rebelwarlock]

I don't, but no one will pay me for my real passion, which is being completely lazy and worthless, and I need money to survive.

Best Questions

[Murdoch5]

The best questions are the ones where you have to write code on a whiteboard but where the person asking the question doesn't know the answer.