Military Caught Training Children To Fight

Locke writes: Our culture's military might has been unquestioned for years. But a new investigative report from the New England newsnet is casting an unpleasant light on military training efforts. What started out as a simple endeavor to track down a handful of kids for an unrelated story has turned into one of the most shocking scandals of our time, as reporters were unable to find the children literally anywhere on Earth. It's been revealed that a series of rocket launches has been carting classes of children off the planet to undergo intense battle preparations in null gravity. Calls for greater transparency have been met with silence, and several reporters visiting military bases for quotes have not returned. There could even be political ramifications — after ground-based telescopes sought out and found what appears to be an orbital training complex, the New Warsaw Pact has begun demanding answers. This could destabilize the fragile peace that has held far longer than anyone expected. The biggest remaining question is: why kids? There are plenty of adults willing to dedicate their lives to defending against the Bugger threat, so why spend an unfathomable amount of money to train undeveloped, uncoordinated children? Surely even the military understands kids are not mentally equipped to handle the pressures of real combat. More details to follow.

Comments

nt

[shentino]

I read that as "sponsored by morons" dept

Then I realized...what's the difference?

Re:nt

[lbmouse]

One group has more children than the other.

I'm disappointed..

[Anonymous Coward]

I read this as "Military Caught Training To Fight Children" and was eager to help.

Ugh

[cyberchondriac]

Please, just stop with these already.

Re:Ugh

[magarity]

No kidding; it used to be a few AF jokes sprinkled among the regular stories, which is effective and entertaining. The last few years it's been nothing but all day, which loses appeal quickly.

Re:Ugh

[Sigma 7]

No can do. It's a yearly tradition that Slashdot's April 1st postings are randomly generated by throwing darts at a board.

As opposed to carefully crafted or well-written pranks, such as a DVD titled "The March is Over" not working right due to some protection system.

Re:Ugh

[Anonymous Coward]

Not really true, I think there was only one or two years when they mixed the April Fools jokes with normal stories, and people went apeshit because they couldn't tell which stories were true and which weren't. I would actually say the excessive bitching (even by slashdot standards) is the real Slashdot April Fools tradition, dating back at least as far as the OMG Ponies incident of 2006. Basically, you want to keep in mind that Slashdot "editors" are the perpetrators of Slashdot April Fools jokes, and Slashdot readers are the victims. If you get really pissed off, it means they've succeeded.

Re:Ugh

[Deadstick]

and people went apeshit because they couldn't tell which stories were true and which weren't.

Hunter Thompson would have driven them to suicide...

Re:Ugh

[Archangel Michael]

Next year, the /. should actually post REAL stories, and confuse the shit out of everyone.

It's logical.

[Anonymous Coward]

A child can be physically able to fight by 12-15 years of age. It doesn't make sense to wait any longer. If you set your draft age artificially high, say 21, then you will have fewer crops of soldiers. Every year you lower the age of combat will gain you an extra 5-10% soldiers, until you lower it beneath the age of sexual maturity.

Re:It's logical.

[Justpin]

Which does nothing if the other side does exactly the same which they did in WWI and WWII

Re:It's logical.

[Anonymous Coward]

Fortunately they stopped doing it in WWIII.

If only...

[Sarius64]

If only it were true. Instead masses of modern-day hippies continue to believe that someone else's money, blood, or effort will sustain them.

Re:If only...

[kenj123]

I think its more like the modern day hippies are smart enough to know the neo-conservatives will use troops like cannon fodder for whatever military misadventure they can come up with. if a republican wins the presidency in 2016, I'm sure it will be a matter of days until we are invading Iran.

Re:If only...

[Coren22]

You thinking it is only the Republicans is kind of cute, but you really need to grow up.

http://www.poynter.org/news/me...

Obama the Nobel Peace prize winner bombed 7 different mostly Muslim countries.
Bush the war mongering Republican bombed 4 (which are also in Obama's list).

Much the same can be said of Clinton, he was involved in many offensive actions, though no declared wars (YES, Iraq and Afghanistan were declared wars, congress passed resolutions declaring both wars).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F...

So, Democrats are just as bad as Republicans, at least in the last 20 years. Trying to pin all the war mongering on the Republicans makes you look ignorant.

Re:If only...

[PolygamousRanchKid]

if a republican wins the presidency in 2016, I'm sure it will be a matter of days until we are invading Iran.

. . . and if a Democrat wins the Presidency in 2016, the same thing will happen, but the President will claim, "The cat ate my emails!"

Re:If only...

[Anonymous Coward]

If only it were true. Instead masses of modern-day hippies continue to believe that someone else's money, blood, or effort will sustain them.

I think its more like the modern day hippies are smart enough to know the neo-conservatives will use troops like cannon fodder...

I'm so confused. I just assumed neo-conservatives were the hippies to whom Sarius64 was referring. Or maybe he meant their group, the Republicrats party overall, but with the neo-cons definitely at the center of it, and also being the main cheerleaders.

"Blood for oil" was palateable because it was only a MegaShitload of money plus the blood of volunteers. Money was abundant and freely available for extravagant spending, and if you call the dead volunteers "heroes" or "patriots" instead of "disposable tools" then nobody gets too upset. So the country was fine with the Iraq war as long as it created a good amount of revenue for the contractors. It was a job creator, and above-and-beyond the workers' good-paying jobs, it made the equity holders enormous money at the country's expense. That way: "Just buy stock and you can live for free without having to work, man."

If you had child warriors, though, the whole neo-con strategy wouldn't work. The "someone else's money, blood, or effort" that we used to pay the hippies, would hit too close to home (after all, you don't hate children, do you?). It would no longer appear to be a reasonably cheap price to pay for a war's high. That'd be a bad trip, man. The Blackwaters would have to get off the government teat and go out and find something the market considers worthwhile. And the Halliburtons would have to pay their own way for whatever security services that their oilfields and distribution systems require, which would really suck because then people would see those costs at the pump and (*HORROR*) market forces would come into play. And you know what hippie commies think about "market forces;" those words are basically profanity. Ewww.

Re:If only...

[Archangel Michael]

Actually, if you read what you said, at least Bush was 50% declared military actions, as opposed to Obama's Zero.

Don't they mean just the Indiana National Guard?

[MikeRT]

I don't see why the International Fleet is getting involved. The only group loudly facing down the threat of buggers is the state of Indiana.

FFS

[nuckfuts]

This April Fools nonsense is tedious.

Re:FFS

[Anonymous Coward]

Help us Bennett Haselton. You're our only hope!

Re:FFS

[Coren22]

Than go somewhere else. This happens every freaking year, and there are always people bitching and moaning about it. If you don't enjoy April Fools day, than you need to go elsewhere. April Fools day is a huge geek holiday, just like March 14, or May 4.

Re:FFS

[Anonymous Coward]

you're a cunt.

Re:FFS

[Coren22]

Yup, and you're an AC.

Re:FFS

[Anonymous Coward]

No, I'm an AC!

Re:FFS

[nuckfuts]

Wow. You sound inordinately passionate about April 1st. If such articles are so much to your liking, perhaps it's you who needs to go elsewhere. May I suggest America's Finest News Source?

As for this site, the motto used to be "stuff that matters". When April Fools articles become so numerous, it's no longer amusing. It's like the same joke being told over and over again. April Fools is not a "huge holiday". It's a day literally intended for fools, and only a fool finds the same joke funny time after time.

Re:FFS

[Anonymous Coward]

No, I'm an AC!!

Re:FFS

[Anonymous Coward]

good one.

These funny or clever

[Anonymous Coward]

April fools day is already growing tiresome

I'm clearly a fool for thinking these would stop.

[Anonymous Coward]

These are so awful they hurt my brain.

jesus christ man

[CloudDrakken]

forgot what the date was today. see you at the orbital training station

Ugh

[Anonymous Coward]

So the only creativity you have is turning scifi movie plots into news blurbs?

Project Moonraker...

[DontBlameCanada]

... has begun, eeeexcelllllent.

These are all terrible

[JMZero]

None of them are phrased or set the way a real story would be, and none of them have a clever or entertaining premise; a reference is not a joke. These are sad every year, but this crop seems especially pathetic.

I mean, The Onion is almost never funny, but looking at this crap makes you appreciate the tiny amount of work and thought they put in; there's usually at least an attempted joke there.

Should I just leave and come back tomorrow?

[Anonymous Coward]

This is obnoxious.

Well

[azav]

I can't think of any one better to teach the children how to fight.

Good for them!

Been there, done that

[Anonymous Coward]

... said Orson Scott Card.

No More

[Zarjazz]

Make it stop please.

These joke posts really piss me off!

[Anonymous Coward]

When I saw "Military Caught Training Children To Fight" I was looking forward to a "Toddler Fight Club" in an on-base daycare center. With betting. I was hoping for some YouTube clips, too.

But Noooooo! Just another lame joke post.

Too late....

[Anonymous Coward]

April's Fools expires at noon.

This post was timed at 12:30.

For the love of god stop

[Jailbrekr]

THEY ARE NOT FUNNY.

Re:For the love of god stop

[RyoShin]

Welcome to April Fools Day. I regret to inform you that not all attempts at humor are successful, and even those that are never succeed at humoring every single individual. From your low-digit ID I assume you've been around a while; that Slashdot does something on April Fools should not be a surprise to you, so you should know to either avoid Slashdot (since no real news will be posted today) or just deal with the jokes they put in place.

Re:For the love of god stop

[Anonymous Coward]

I thought it said that they were training Chickens to fight, which would have a bit more funny. I have a picture in my head of Sir Robin not trying to soil his armour.

Re:For the love of god stop

[Anonymous Coward]

I honestly thought this was one of the cleverer ones. It's got just enough "truthiness" to almost be real. It would be even better if they hadn't overdone it with some of the others.

how strange, I just watched Ender's Game

[glucoseboy]

How strange.... I just watched Ender's Game this weekend.......

04/01

[OrugTor]

Lame.

Re:Don't they mean just the Indiana National Guard

[Anonymous Coward]

You forgot the League of No-Women voters.

Be nice if your 4/1 stuff was even remotely

[jpellino]

plausible.

Re:Be nice if your 4/1 stuff was even remotely

[phantomfive]

It would be nice if people like you could get the science fiction references........

Actually was being done in RSA

[Anonymous Coward]

When I lived in South Africa back in the 90's the military were using kids. That was nothing but an April fools joke as many were scarred for life. After training they were sent up in the north fighting "rebels". They were heavily indoctrinated to keep it secret from even their parents. Hopefully the new government stopped that practice...

Military Caught Training Children To Fight

[Anonymous Coward]

Happy birthday.

Good afternoon

[Righ]

April Fool is dead and gone, you're a fool to carry on!

Use Caution

[JimSadler]

The right wingers may take this as Gospel and start a new conspiracy theory.

Re:Use Caution

[idontgno]

If this festering pool of April Fail wasn't already sufficiently dead and putrescent enough, Poe's Law would have killed it.

Between clueless "editors" and clueless politicos, this is why we can't have nice (funny) things.

Oh god!

[Anonymous Coward]

F**k! Enough of this already!

Is it too late for me....

[vikingpower]

...to engender any kids ? I could start today, they'd be able to proudly claim to have been engendered on AFD . Now THAT is a claim to glory...

I hate to be a killjoy

[Anonymous Coward]

But I can find April fools jokes on any website, I'd actually like to read some interesting tech news, not some fan fiction the boring wrote.

Re:I'm clearly a fool for thinking these would sto

[sumdumass]

Just be glad they are awful. A couple years ago they did one on Mel Brooks finally getting around to making History of the world part two with comments by Mel Brooks. I had my hopes up for 2 months. What a let down.

I hate April 1st

[bleh-of-the-huns]

Too much crap...

April 1 not fun anymore

[k6mfw]

as someone quoted on their FB page: "April Fools Day used to be a lot more fun when there wasn't year-round attention-driven hoaxes all over the Net."

Buggers

[ehiris]

We are coming!

Anyone ever read Ender's Game?

[Anonymous Coward]

Non-readers, have you seen the move?

Re:Anyone ever read Ender's Game?

[MrKaos]

Absolutely! Speaker for the Dead and Xenocide. Absolutely brilliant Sci Fi.

I was happy with the movie too, all the hooks were subtle, though they made him a little older in the movie because I don't think people can wrap their heads around a child being that ruthless killing machine he was made to be.

Awesome book, and a movie which didn't disappoint someone who enjoyed the book.

Re:Anyone ever read Ender's Game?

[pecosdave]

I thought it was great overall, but it did seem to jump the shark a little on the concept travel.....

Re: Anyone ever read Ender's Game?

[Anonymous Coward]

(Spoiler alert... Well maybe) I thought the book was pretty bad. It seemed to rush through parts it should have spent more time on and dwell on things that didn't need dwelling. And then you have the extremely predictable outcome. It would have been more entertaining if the core "novel" part of the story (surprise, it wasn't a game after all!) actually did surprise you.

Re: Anyone ever read Ender's Game?

[MrKaos]

It would have been more entertaining if the core "novel" part of the story (surprise, it wasn't a game after all!) actually did surprise you.

The surprise wasn't about whether the war was real or not, it was the human condition of Ender so that you had no choice but to emapthize for him when he finally found out what was going on.

Sigh

[Anonymous Coward]

If you're insist on doing this could you at least make it funny?

The government is training midgets in the art of clown ninjutsu so they can stuff a few thousand in Volkswagen's and drop those Mini-Rambo's in war zones like Chicago schools.

Crap that's not funny and now I feel bad because those kids will eat those ninja midgets alive! :( I'm sure someone can think of something funny.

Shadows loom over the empire.

[IgnitusBoyone]

I have to say I saw this even't going a different direction. Given our long history of mechanical engagment I thought we would be creating an army of mechonized infuntry, but based on recent accords I think all hope of a deathless war is lost. And with the new advocacy groups giving AIs more rights then humans we are left with only one choice. Children at war.

Just like now.

[Anonymous Coward]

Most amusing part of this story is if you take away the whole "in space" thing you have a real description of several sub-Saharan African nations.

But...

[MikeQuickenton]

It was quite transparent in the books. The kids had implants for god sake. Everyone knew. This is just silly.

UN complains about children in US army

[Anonymous Coward]

Their cutoff for soldier age is 18 and US allows a year lower.

To be fair....

[mark-t]

.... this story is unfortunately somewhat believable.