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Sending Angry Emails Just Makes You Angrier
An anonymous reader writes: Sending a blistering email can be cathartic. People consistently report feeling better after venting, and doing so over email is no exception. But researchers find those who vent their anger tend to only become angrier and more aggressive, and doing so in an impersonal way like email only makes it worse. "E-venting is particularly risky, experts say. We think it's private because we can do it in a secluded place, like our bed while we're in our pajamas. We have our phones with us all the time so we often e-vent before we've had a chance to calm down. A rant put out via the Internet is a click away from being shared." Combine this with how we typically sound angrier in print, and can't see feedback from our targets, it can lead to more volatile situations than we intended.
try and tell ME that Ill be more angry after writing angry emails. I oughta come over there right now and show you how angry I can get
sincerely
Dude~
have you seen my sig? there are many others like it but none that are the same
An old trick is to write the email and not send it, or send it to yourself. That way you get some catharsis, and can send a more civil email later (or no email at all, handle it politely in person).
never send it. if it makes you feel better, start it in email, but don't put a subject or even an address in any of the fields. write it out, save it in drafts and wait 24-48 hours, re-read it. don't send it. but to be safe, use your favorite text editor instead of an accidental email going out
don't use facebook/twitter or anything else were posting is literally a click away.
You are all angry cows. Angry cows say moo-grr. MOOOOO-GRRRR! MOOOOOO-GRRRRR! Moo-grr angry cows MOOO-GRRR. Moo-grrr say the angry cows. YOU ANGRY COWS!!
Lincoln used to write harsh letters to people who deserved it-- like his sluggish generals-- then place them in his desk for a day before sending them. He almost never sent them.
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Punching pillows doesn't work because pillows feel no pain. The psychological satisfaction from violent expressions of anger stems primarily from the fact that you are inflicting suffering upon the object of your anger.
That's why the best anger-management strategy involves careful planning, a good mask, rubber gloves, and a solid alibi.
Some people even now state that bottling them up is better.
Sounds like one of my favorite Marge Simpson quotes, from the Episode "Moaning Lisa":
"It doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the outside that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you. And happiness will follow."
I used to think that ignoring someone's email was the worst you could do to that person. In fact, I used to write lengthy replies with a quite aggressive tone to people doing really stupid things; having ignored them would have been 1000 times easier for me. I wasn't angry at all (I have rarely done anything on the lines of e-venting), but didn't find any other way to communicate with people not able to understand the simplest idea (e.g., spammer continue spamming after you say that are not interested in these products).
The results were really bad. I came to the sad conclusion that there are quite a few people with not much self-respect, who just look for any excuse to blow everything out of proportion and evade all responsibility for their actions (e.g., "why are you screaming to me?", "because you screamed to me before", "I don't care! You cannot scream to me!").
Now I am always using the easiest alternative (although I still think that it is the most aggressive and disrespectful one): I plainly ignore people showing nonsensical behaviours.
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If that's the only type of email you get from this person, add their email address to your killfile and never see their ranting again.
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Recovering angry e-mailer here. I used to do this all the time, particularly when I got upset at a loved one. It's easier for me to organize and lay out my thoughts coherently in writing than verbally. Unfortunately, I've often done more damage than good by hitting send, but I have a patient and loving GF who has, over time, convinced me NOT to hit Send, and just read them to her in person. That's given me the instant feedback they talk about in the article, and I can tell when I've gone too far, or when something I've said has been misinterpreted. And of course, I can omit things that I would never say to her face, because I recognize that they're just person attacks that are hurtful and harmful.
I hate admitting when I'm wrong, but I forwarded this article to her so she could feel vindicated by science. She deserves it.
Anyway, enough sincerity.. how 'bout them local sports teams?
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If you can do that politely, you are a better man than me.
"First they came for the slanderers and i said nothing."
Newton Hightower's book Anger Busters contains a great overview of anger management techniques that work and anger management techniques that don't work. Venting doesn't work. It just reinforces the neural pathways that are involved in anger. Sure you feel great, but it makes it harder to avoid the angry outburst next time, when you might really need to. Meanwhile, if you had prevented yourself from expressing anger, you could have instead been training your brain to devote its efforts to problem solving, instead.
I did a lot of anger management work a few years ago and as a result I discovered solutions to lots of my problems. As a result I'm much much happier with every aspect of my life, because I've been able to actually fix the problems that were frustrating me.
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