i used to be a delivery driver for the coca cola company, here in the united states. however, after being brought up on charges of indecent exposure, i was given the choice of being fired or taking up the new route in a small village near the serenghetti.
i'll never forget my first delivery. two small native boys were standing there waiting for me like i was santa clause. the younger one asked his older friend, "what do you think it tastes like?!"
the older boy smiled, "my dad says it's like kissing a girl!"
the boys giggled and watched as i unloaded the first coca cola products to ever make way to their village.
eventually, i finished that particular delivery and readied the truck up for the next one. i looked in my rear-view mirror as i drove away. i'll never forget the heart-warming vision i beheld.
the boys had already run into the store and gotten one bottle of coca cola apiece. the younger one took his first drink and smiled. he plunged his toungue into the long neck and moved it passionately around in the top of the bottle.
his body spasmed with euphoria as he passionately caressed the dripping wet bottle of delight. the older boy watched with excitement.
the young boy dropped to the ground and began rolling around in the tall grass. the last thing i saw was an animated piece of rubber dog feces approaching the boys to ask for directions.
i wiped a single tear from my eye. it's those moments that sustain me as i lay here dying from that hideous ebola virus. somebody should really keep those monkey carcasses out of public areas.
i used to be a delivery driver for the coca cola company, here in the united states. however, after being brought up on charges of indecent exposure, i was given the choice of being fired or taking up the new route in a small village near the serenghetti.
i'll never forget my first delivery. two small native boys were standing there waiting for me like i was santa clause. the younger one asked his older friend, "what do you think it tastes like?!"
the older boy smiled, "my dad says it's like kissing a girl!"
the boys giggled and watched as i unloaded the first coca cola products to ever make way to their village.
eventually, i finished that particular delivery and readied the truck up for the next one. i looked in my rear-view mirror as i drove away. i'll never forget the heart-warming vision i beheld.
the boys had already run into the store and gotten one bottle of coca cola apiece. the younger one took his first drink and smiled. he plunged his toungue into the long neck and moved it passionately around in the top of the bottle.
his body spasmed with euphoria as he passionately caressed the dripping wet bottle of delight. the older boy watched with excitement.
the young boy dropped to the ground and began rolling around in the tall grass. the last thing i saw was an animated piece of rubber dog feces approaching the boys to ask for directions.
i wiped a single tear from my eye. it's those moments that sustain me as i lay here dying from that hideous ebola virus. somebody should really keep those monkey carcasses out of public areas.
my dear slashdot friends, your friend and humble anonymous coward, open source man, has finally cracked.
gasp, i hear you say.
yes. sadly, it's true. let me explain.
i've always been a big fan of movies. any movies! good movies. bad movies. good movies that were meant to be bad. bad movies that were meant to be good. i find humor, inspiration, sadness... whatever... in all of them.
and so, i lay on my futon a mere few hours ago enjoying a particularly nasty abomination of celluloid which detailed the wondrous creation of the band we all know and love: the "village people." i won't go into too much detail about the movie. valerie perrine portrayed a spritely friend of the guys who was instrumental in getting them noticed by the record company. the village people appeared as themselves... as only they could. i must say, the part that took place in the early days of the band's career was powerful, to say the least.
as i watched the film, the images seemed to penetrate into the narcotic-saturated gooiness of my mind and take on an independent form. it wasn't long before i had slipped into a strange world, half real and half dream in which the village people, naked (but not petrified) danced and lured me into helping them rewrite their beloved classic "y.m.c.a." for it's year 2000 comeback.
the haunting lyrics i created for them are reproduced here, as proof of my last shred of sanity floating away forever.
young man, there's no need to feel down i said, young man, look up natalie's gown i said, young man, 'cause she's almost full grown there's no need to be unhappy
young man, there's a girl you should know i said, young man, when you're short on your dough open the source, and i'm sure you will find many ways to have a good time.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman she has everything for young men to enjoy. you can just play with all her toys.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman you can get yourself clean you can have a good meal you can do whatever you feel.
young man, are you listening to me i said, young man, what do you want to be i said, young man, you can make real your dreams, but you've got to know this one thing.
no man, does it all by himself i said, young man, put your pride on the shelf and just join the, open-np project i'm sure they can use your help
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman she has everything for young men to enjoy. you can just play with all her toys.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman you can get yourself clean you can have a good meal you can do whatever you feel.
young man, i was once in your shoes, i said, i was down with the blues i felt, no chick cared if i were alive i felt the whole world was so jive
that's when someone came up to me and said young man take a walk up the street there's a chick there called natalie portman you'll love her firm young buttocks man!
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman she has everything for young men to enjoy. you can just play with all her toys.
nat'lie portman. it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman young man, young man, there's no need to feel down young man, young man, look up natalie's gown
nat'lie portman just open source nat'lie portman young man, young man, i was once in your shoes, young man, young man, i was out with the blues
my dear fellow slashdot readers, your friend and humble "troller," open source man, has finally cracked.
gasp, i hear you say.
yes. sadly, it's true. let me explain.
i've always been a big fan of movies. any movies! good movies. bad movies. good movies that were meant to be bad. bad movies that were meant to be good. i find humor, inspiration, sadness... whatever... in all of them.
and so, i lay on my futon a mere few hours ago enjoying a particularly nasty abomination of celluloid which detailed the wondrous creation of the band we all know and love: the "village people." i won't go into too much detail about the movie. valerie perrine portrayed a spritely friend of the guys who was instrumental in getting them noticed by the record company. the village people appeared as themselves... as only they could. i must say, the part that took place in the early days of the band's career was powerful, to say the least.
as i watched the film, the images seemed to penetrate into the narcotic-saturated gooiness of my mind and take on an independent form. it wasn't long before i had slipped into a strange world, half real and half dream in which the village people, naked (but not petrified) danced and lured me into helping them rewrite their beloved classic "y.m.c.a." for it's year 2000 comeback.
the haunting lyrics i created for them are reproduced here, as proof of my last shred of sanity floating away forever.
young man, there's no need to feel down i said, young man, look up natalie's gown i said, young man, 'cause she's almost full grown there's no need to be unhappy
young man, there's a girl you should know i said, young man, when you're short on your dough open the source, and i'm sure you will find many ways to have a good time.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman she has everything for young men to enjoy. you can just play with all her toys.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman you can get yourself clean you can have a good meal you can do whatever you feel.
young man, are you listening to me i said, young man, what do you want to be i said, young man, you can make real your dreams, but you've got to know this one thing.
no man, does it all by himself i said, young man, put your pride on the shelf and just join the, open-np project i'm sure they can use your help
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman she has everything for young men to enjoy. you can just play with all her toys.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman you can get yourself clean you can have a good meal you can do whatever you feel.
young man, i was once in your shoes, i said, i was down with the blues i felt, no chick cared if i were alive i felt the whole world was so jive
that's when someone came up to me and said young man take a walk up the street there's a chick there called natalie portman you'll love her firm young buttocks man!
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman she has everything for young men to enjoy. you can just play with all her toys.
nat'lie portman. it's fun to open source nat'lie portman it's fun to open source nat'lie portman young man, young man, there's no need to feel down young man, young man, look up natalie's gown
nat'lie portman just open source nat'lie portman young man, young man, i was once in your shoes, young man, young man, i was out with the blues
since charley is fat i reccomend that he mates only with roseanne
fat-time's only sexual encounter was with lubie, his lubricating midget rapid fire pellet gun. that is how he became a superhero. he and lubie were sexually experimenting next to a pool of toxic waste and fell in. roseanne makes my spine crawl.
opensource man: a charge - remain true to your trolling portman is our slut
natalie portman joins the rest of the group at the fan-club headquarters. they are making arrangements for the upcoming final battle.
admiral katzbar: mae ling mak will lead a group to the open source code generator. there, they will deactivate the new sendmail daemon. this will allow us to communicate battle orders to the fan-club members attacking the open source development house and end esr's terrible reign!
the groups divide up and head out for battle. on the way out, matalie notices something is troubling natalie.
matalie: natalie what's wrong?
natalie: matalie... do you remember your mother? your real mother?
matalie: just a little bit. she died when i was very young.
natalie: i have no memory of my mother. i never knew her.
matalie: natalie, tell me, what's troubling you?
natalie: open source man is here, now, near this bunker.
matalie: how do you know?
natalie: i felt his presence. he's come for me. he can feel when i'm near. that's why i have to go. as long as i stay, i'm endagering the group and our mission here. i have to face him.
matalie: why?
natalie: he was the president of my fan club.
matalie: your fan club?!
natalie: there's more. it won't be easy for you to hear it, but you must. if i don't make it back, you're the only hope for the fan-club.
matalie: natalie, don't talk that way. you have a power i don't understand and could never have!
natalie: you're wrong, matalie. you have that power too. in time, you'll learn to use it as i have. being a hot young actress runs in my family. my mother had it. i have it. and... my sister has it.... yes. it's you matalie.
matalie: i know. somehow... i've always known.
they embrace before natalie portman leaves to surrender. mae ling mak approaches natalie portman.
mae ling mak: hey, what's goin' on?
matalie: i... i can't tell you.
mae ling mak: did you tell natalie? is that who you could tell?!
mae ling mak begins to leave, then hesitates.
mae ling mak: i'm sorry.
matalie: hold me!
mae ling mak and matalie embrace.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
two random open source developers enter the cat-walk holding natalie portman in chains.
random open source developer #1: this is the hot young actress who surrendered to us. although she denies it, i believe there may be more of them and i request permission to conduct a search of the area. she was armed only with this.
the random open source developer hands open source man a spray-can of mace.
open source man: good work coder. leave us. conduct your search and bring her companions to me.
the random open source developers leave.
open source man: esr has been expecting you.
natalie portman: i know, president.
open source man: so... you've accepted the truth!
natalie portman: i've accepted the truth that you were once anonymous coward... president of my fan club.
open source man: that name no longer holds any meaning for me!
natalie portman: it's the name of your true self. you've only forgotten. i know there is good in you! esr hasn't driven it from you fully! that was why you couldn't bludgeon me before. that's why you won't bring me to esr now.
open source man seems distracted by natalie's firm buttocks.
open source man: i see your figure has filled out. your development is complete. indeed you are alluring as esr has forseen.
natalie is unsure of what open source man plans on doing. she is a bit nervous.
natalie portman: come with me.
open source man: my girlfriend once thought as you do. you don't know the power of open source! i must obey esr!
natalie portman: i will not be open sourced. and you will be forced to bludgeon me with the open source gnu sausage.
open source man: if that is your destiny...
natalie portman: search your feelings, anonymous. you can't do this! i feel the conflict within you! let go of your lust!
open source man: it is too late for me, natalie.
open source man motions for an open source developer.
open source man: esr will show you the true nature of open source. he is your master now!
dissappointed, natalie nods her head.
natalie portman: then the president of my fan club is truly dead.
as the open source developer takes natalie away, open source man gazes longingly at her buttocks. he turns to look out the window, harkening back to his innocent youth, when he was president of the natalie portman fan-club. he sighs, deeply.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
back outside, mae ling mak, matalie portman, alan cox, c3-rms, linus-d2 and some natalie portman fan-club members are walking across the park, approaching the code generator. they run into a biker gang of lubricating midgets. they befriend the midgets and convince them to help in the attack. the midgets decide to wait in the bushes surrounding the bunker to ambush any unforseen open source developers which may show up.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
open source man and natalie portman enter esr's throne-room. esr is sitting in a chair at the top of a platform. open source man and natalie portman approach.
esr: welcome, hot young actress, i've been expecting you. you'll no longer need those.
esr waves a finger and natalie's hand-cuffs fall off.
esr: guards... leave us.
the gaurds leave.
esr: i am looking forward to completing your sexual development. in time, you will call me master.
natalie portman: you're gravely mistaken. you won't open source me.
esr: oh no, my hot young actress, you will find it is you who are mistaken... about a great many things.
open source man: her can of mace.
esr: ah yes. a hot young actresses weapon. much like the ones that have been used on me time and again. by now you must know your old fan-club president can never be turned from the open-source side. so will it be with you.
natalie portman: you're wrong. soon i'll be dead and you with me.
esr:laughs. perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of your fans. yes. i assure you, we are quite safe from your fans here.
natalie portman: your overconfidence is your weakness.
esr: your faith in your fans is yours.
open source man: it is pointless to resist, natalie.
esr: everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. your fans are walking into a trap. it was i who allowed the natalie portman fan club to know the location of the code generator. i assure you, it is quite safe from your pitiful little band. an entire legion of my best coders await them. oh... i'm afraid the sendmail daemon will be quite operational when your fans arrive!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
mae ling mak, matalie, alan cox and several natalie portman fans storm the code generator bunker, taking everyone prisoner.
mae ling mak: all right! up! move! come on! quickly! quickly, alan!
the natalie portman fans herd the generator programmers away from their panels. matalie glances at a display screen.
matalie: mae! hurry! the fan club will be here any moment!
mae ling mak: charges! come on! come on!
outside, c3-rms watches from the bushes. he sees several open source developers storm into the bunker.
c3-rms: oh, my! they'll be captured!
lubie chatters something as he takes off into the forest.
c3-rms: wait! come back! linus, stay with me...
back inside the bunker, mae ling mak looks up just as an open source developer enters.
open source developer: freeze! you groovy chick!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
the natalie portman fan club is storming down the highway, close to esr's palace.
natalie portman fan #1: sir! we still don't have email contact with headquarters!
fan club president: retreat! all fans retreat! the sendmail daemon is still operational!
the fans turn and try to escape. an enormous wave of open source developers attack from the side.
fan club president: it's a trap!
a vicious battle ensues.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
inside esr's throne room, a large window allows easy viewing of the battle going on outside.
esr: come, girl, see for yourself. from here you will witness the final destruction of your fan-club and the end of your insignificant chastity.
natalie is in torment. she glances at her can of mace sitting next to esr's hand.
esr: you want this, don't you? the lust is swelling in you now. take your hot young actress weapon. strike me down with it. give in to your sexuality. with each passing moment, you make yourself more my love-slave.
natalie portman: no!
esr: it is unavoidable. it is your destiny. you, like open source man, are now mine!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
back outside the open source code generator bunker, the open source developers have brought mae ling mak, matalie, alan cox and the natalie portman fans outside. c3-rms and linus-d2 appear from the bushes.
c3-rms: hello! i say, over there! were you looking for me?!
the open source developers look up. while they are distracted, a mass of lubricating midgets attacks. a massive battle breaks out. the lubricating midgets begin painting the open source developers with melted oleo. they slide over each other. they become so aroused that they begin a giant orgy. mae ling mak, matalie, alan cox and the natalie portman fans take advantage of the opportunity to return to the bunker and deactivate the sendmail daemon.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
esr: your fans have lost. and your friends at the open source code generator bunker will not survive. there is no escape, my young sex-slave. the natalie portman fan club will die... as will your friends.
natalie loses control and grabs her mace. open source man sheilds esr from the spray. natalie runs and hides.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
though outnumbered, the natalie portman fan club is winning the battle. the open source developers are so exhausted from overwork that they are practically useless in battle. not to mention that the natalie portman fans are energized at the thought of meeting natalie portman face-to-face once they take control of the building. the natalie portman fan club president suddenly gets a mail message from the fan club headquarters.
fan club president: i've got mail! the sendmail daemon is down! commence attack on the open source development house!
the natalie portman fans roar with excitement as they beat back the few remaining open source developers and head toward the building.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
natalie portman is hiding in esr's throne room. open source man is trying to locate her.
open source man: you cannot hide forever, natalie.
natalie portman: i will not be open sourced.
open source man: give yourself to the open source community. it is the only way you can save your friends.
natalie portman strains to contain her thoughts.
open source man: ah yes, your thoughts betray you. your feelings for them are strong. especially for... sister. so... you have a twin sister! now your feelings have betrayed her too. your parents were wise to hide her from me. now their failure is complete! if you will not be open sourced, then perhaps she will!
natalie portman jumps out from behind a mainframe, wielding a can of mace. she begins beating open source man back with it.
natalie portman: noooooooo!
natalie portman sprays open source man in the face with the self-protection spray. he crumples to the ground, holding his arm out to protect his face from another attack.
natalie portman is crazed with the power of open source.
esr cackles evilly as he steps down from his platform toward natalie.
esr: good. good! your open-sourcedness has made you powerful. now, release your sexuality and take open source man's place at my side.
natalie looks down at the fallen open source man, breathing heavily as his sinuses sting from the mace. she harkens back to her youthful obsession with a hot young actor.
natalie portman: never. i'll never turn to the open source side. you failed your highness. i am chaste, like open source man before me!
esr: so be it, closed-source girl. if you will not be open sourced, then you will be bludgeoned with the open source sausage!
esr grabs a giant sausage with a taxidermied gnu's head mounted on the end of it. he begins to beat natalie with it.
esr: hot young actress... only now, at the end, do you understand! you have paid the price for your lack of vision!
esr thrashes some more... open source man shakes off the mace.
esr: your hot young femininity is no match for the power of open source!
esr beats natalie again. open source man pulls himself to his feet and stands next to esr.
esr: and now, young portman, you will feel the full wrath of the gnu!
natalie portman screams in horror as esr thrashes her harder.
natalie portman: aaaargghghghghgh! open source man! please! help me!
open source man looks fondly upon natalie's firm young buttocks. he looks at esr. with a final surge of passion for the hot young actress, open source man lifts esr over his head and carries him to the window. open source man tosses esr into the blackness of night, but not before esr gets several good whacks in with the open source sausage.
open source man collapses to the floor. natalie portman crawls over to him and holds his head gently in her arms...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
outside, the fan club has beaten back the open source developers. the few remaining developers are rounded up and taken prisoner. the fan club members have penetrated the development house and have begun dismantling it. they are tearing it apart with their bare hands.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
natalie portman drags open source man through the development house. esr writings are flying around everywhere in the turmoil. the building is about to collapse from the attack of the natalie portman fan-club alliance. natalie is trying to reach a cart to drive her and open source man out to safety.
open source man: natalie, help me take these pants off.
natalie portman: but you'll make a mess all over the floor!
open source man: nothing can stop that now. just for once, let me love you with my own genitalia.
natalie nods in agreement. she removes open source man's pants. he smiles with relief. natalie gazes upon the pale, disfigured genitalia with pity.
open source man: now... go. leave me!
natalie portman: i'll not leave you. i've got to let you open source me!
open source man: you already have! you were hot! you were hot, natalie! tell your sister, you were ho...
with that, open source man slips away into a coma of bliss. filled with sorrow and pity, natalie takes one last look at the exposed genitalia. the development house begins to crumble. natalie quickly drags open source man's carcass onto the cart and escapes before the building collapses.
natalie reaches the street-corner. she spots her parents waiting to pick her up as designated. she dumps open source man onto the sidewalk, under a power line. she scribbles her phone number on a piece of paper and lays it on his chest. as she walks away, the tremors from the crumbling of the development house cause the power line to snap. it lands on open source man and ignites him. wistfully, natalie watches as he burns to a crisp.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
matalie and mae ling mak watch as the development house crumbles to the ground.
mae ling mak: i'm sure natalie wasn't in there when it blew.
matalie: she wasn't. i can feel it.
mae ling mak: you love her, don't you?
matalie: well... yes.
mae ling mak: fine. when she comes back... i won't get in the way.
matalie: it's not like that. she's my identical twin sister!
mae ling mak experiences a moment of confusion. then joy as she realizes matalie is all hers. they embrace and kiss.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
natalie portman is at a party with matalie and the members of the fan-club. she harkens back to the previous week when open source man saved her. she looks out the window... open source man's blue-auraed spirit is standing in the front lawn, naked and aroused, warmly smiling at her. standing on either side of him are betty davis and hedy lamar. natalie smiles back before rejoining her friends...
natalie portman has returned to her home town of albany new york to rescue her friend, mae ling mak, from the clutches of the vile gangster, naked & petrified guy.
little does natalie know that the evil open source empire, led by esr, has begun construction on a new sendmail daemon even more powerful than the first dreaded sendmail.
once completed, this new daemon will spell certain doom for the natalie portman fan-club, ending their means of sending fan-mail...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
open source man arrives at the development house. workers are scuttling about attempting to look busy.
project leader: open source man, this is an unexpected pleasure. we are honored by your presence.
open source man: you may dispense with the pleasantries, project leader. i am here to put you back on schedule.
project leader: i assure you, open source man, my men are working as fast as they can.
open source man: perhaps i can find new ways to motivate them!
project leader: the new sendmail daemon will be completed on schedule!
open source man: esr does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.
project leader: but he asks the impossible! i need more volunteers!
open source man: then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives here.
project leader: esr is coming here?!
open source man: that is correct, project leader, and he is most displeased with your apparant lack of progress.
project leader: we shall double our efforts!
open source man: i hope so, project leader, for your sake. esr is not as forgiving as i am.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
c3-rms and linus-d2 are walking down the sidewalk in albany new york, headed for the naked & petrified guy's palace.
c3-rms: of course i'm worried. and you should be, too. lando johansen and poor alan cox never returned from this awful place.
linus-d2: chirp, chirp.
c3-rms: don't be so sure. if i told you half the things i've heard about this naked & petrified guy, you'd probably short-circuit.
the two droids approach the gate of the massive palace.
c3-rms: linus, are you sure this is the right place? i better knock, i suppose.
c3-rms knocks on the iron door. c3-rms: there doesn't seem to be anyone there. let's go back and tell mistress portman.
a small hatch opens in the middle of the door and an aibo head pops out.
aibo head: tnaw uoy od kcuf eht tahw?
c3-rms: goodness gracious me! yug deifirtep & dekan eht ot egassem a evig ot emoc evah ew. smr-3c ma i dna 2d-sunil si siht.
the aibo examines the droids, laughs, then returns to its hole.
c3-rms: i don't think they're going to let us in, linus. we'd better go!
the door opens and linus rushes inside. hesitantly, c3-rms follows.
c3-rms: oh, linus! linus, wait for me!
the giant door slams shut behind the droids. two naked and petrified statue gaurds close in on the droids.
c3-rms: just you deliver mistress portman's message and get us out of here.
out of the darkness, a naked & petrified lacey chabert enters the room.
lacey chabert statue: olleh
c3-rms: oh, my! olleh. we bring a message to your master, the naked & petrified guy.
linus-d2: chirp, beep, chirp.
c3-rms:...and a gift. gift?! what gift?!
lacey shakes her head. lacey holds out her hand toward linus, who chirps in protest as he backs away.
c3-rms: he says that our instructions are to give it only to naked & petrified himself. i'm terribly sorry. i'm afraid he's ever so stubborn about these sorts of things.
lacey motions for the droids to follow her. lacey leads the droids into the naked & petrified guy's throne room. they stand nervously before him.
c3-rms: the message, linus, the message.
a projection of natalie portman beams out from the center of linus' head... the projection speaks...
natalie portman: greetings exalted one. allow me to introduce myself. i am natalie portman, hot young actress and friend to mae ling mak. i know that you are powerful, mighty naked & petrified, and that your lust for mae ling must be equally powerful. i seek an audience with your greatness to bargain for mae ling's life. with your wisdom, i'm sure that we can work out an arrangement which will be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant confrontation. as a token of my goodwill, i present to you a gift: these two droids. both are hardworking and will serve you well.
naked & petrified guy: there will be no bargain! i will not give up my favorite wall decoration. i like mae ling where she is!
the naked and petrified guy points to mae ling mak, naked & petrified and hanging on the wall.
c3-rms: linus, look! it's mae ling! and she's still frozen in carbonite!
the droids are taken away for processing.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
a party is underway in the throne room. larry wall and tom christiansen are topless and chained. the naked & petrified guy holds the chains as the two dance. the naked & petrified guy grows disgusted with the two constantly making sexual advances toward each other. he presses a button on his throne and the two dancers fall into a pit with a giant aibo. the aibo is equipped with a scientifically proven magic petrification ray. the aibo petrifies the two dancers. laughter fills the room full of naked & petrified teen girls.
suddenly, a blast from the hallway interrupts the merriment. a masked figure walks in with a large hairy handcuffed beast.
c3-rms: oh no! alan cox!
naked & petrified guy: at last, we have the mighty alan cox!
the naked & petrified guy motions for c3-rms to come translate. c3-rms complies.
c3-rms: the illustrious naked & petrified guy bids you welcome and will gladly pay you the reward of twenty-five thousand.
bounty hunter: i want fifty thousand. no less.
the naked and petrified guy becomes enraged. he knocks c3-rms back. c3-rms regains his footing.
c3-rms: uh, the mighty naked & petrified guy asks why he must pay fifty thousand.
the bounty hunter holds up a small brown ball.
c3-rms: because he's holding a ball of gnu dung!
naked & petrified guy: this bounty hunter is my kind of scum. fearless and inventive....
c3-rms: the naked & petrified guy offers you the sum of thirty-five and he'll throw in a cute teen girl naked and petrified.
the bounty hunter nods.
c3-rms: he agrees!
the bounty hunter joins in the resumed celebration as alan cox is taken away by a pair of naked and petrified cute teen girls.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
it is dark and quiet in the throne room. all of the cute naked & petrified teen girls are passed out from the drunken festivities. the bounty hunter steps quietly toward the petrified mae ling mak. the bounty hunter flips a switch on one side of mae ling's encasement. the encasement falls to the floor. the bounty hunter pulls a depetrification lever. a bright light shines through the carbonite. mae ling mak's naked body falls out of the shell and onto the floor. the bounty hunter lifts her up. mae ling regains consciousness.
bounty hunter: just relax for a moment. you're free of the carbonite.
mae ling mak: i can't see!
bounty hunter: your eyesight will return in time.
mae ling mak: where am i?
bounty hunter: the naked & petrified guy's palace.
mae ling mak: who are you?
the bounty hunter removes his mask... it's matalie, natalie portman's identical twin sister!
matalie: someone who loves you!
mae ling mak: matalie!
matalie: i gotta get you outta here.
as matalie helps mae ling mak to her feet, a deep cackle booms from a curtain next to them.
mae ling mak: i know that laugh.
the curtain opens to reveal the naked & petrified guy and his cronies, including c3-rms, whose mouth is being covered by lacey chabert, naked and petrified.
mae ling mak: hey, naked and petrified guy, i was just on my way to bring you some cute teen girls, but i got a little sidetracked. it's not my fault!
naked & petrified guy: it's too late for that, mae ling. you may have been a good provider of cute teen girls, but now you're highway pavement!
mae ling mak: look!
naked & petrified guy: take her away!
a couple of naked & petrified cute teen girls grab mae ling mak and drag her off.
mae ling mak: naked & petrified, i'll pay you triple... you're throwing away 24 cute teen girls here. don't be a fool!
mae ling mak is removed from the scene. the naked & petrified guy turns his attentions to matalie.
naked & petrified guy: bring her to me!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
all is dark and quiet in the entranceway to the naked & petrified guy's palace. the main gate raises to let in a bright white light from outside. the silhouetted figure of natalie portman enters the palace. two naked & petrified cute teen girls try to bar natalie's progress. natalie raises her hand and the guards fall back. natalie proceeds on to the naked & petrified guy's throne room. natalie portman enters the throne room and the naked & petrified guy awakes.
natalie portman lifts her skirt as her twin sister watches.
natalie portman: you will bring mae ling mak and alan cox to me.
naked & petrified guy: your sexual powers will not work on me, girl!
natalie portman: nevertheless, i am taking mae ling and her friends. you can either profit by this or be destroyed. it's your choice. but i warn you not to underestimate the powers of my hot young body.
the naked and petrified guy glares at natalie portman smugly. he presses the button to the trapdoor.
naked & petrified guy: there will be no bargain, young actress. i shall enjoy admiring you nude and imobile.
natalie portman falls into the pit with the giant aibo, equipped with the scientifically proven magic petrification ray. the aibo's ray warms up and it begins to fire, but not before natalie pulls a mirror from her purse and holds it up to the aibo. the ray reflects from the mirror and petrifies the aibo.
a naked and petrified cmdr taco and hemos come into the chamber. they are devastated at the loss of the aibo.
the naked & petrified guy is also infuriated.
naked & petrified guy: bring me mak and cox! they will all suffer for this outrage!
several naked & petrified cute teen girls scramble about. mae ling mak, alan cox and natalie portman are brought before the naked & petrified guy. c3-rms translates.
c3-rms: oh dear. his high exaltedness, the great naked & petrified guy, has decreed that you are to be terminated immediately.
mae ling mak: good, i hate long waits.
c3-rms: you will therefore be taken to the dune sea and cast into a pit of hot grits.
mae ling mak: doesn't sound so bad.
c3-rms: there you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as your are slowly digested over a thousand years.
mae ling mak: on second thought, let's pass on that.
natalie portman: you should have bargained, naked & petrified guy. that's the last mistake you'll ever make!
the naked & petrified guy cackles evilly as the prisoners are hearded off.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
at the pit of hot grits, natalie portman, alan cox and mae ling mak are moved into position to be pushed into the pit from a small sail barge. matalie and linus-d2 watch from the naked & petrified guy's larger sail barge.
a naked & petrified cute teen girl moves natalie portman into position. natalie portman nods to lando johansen and linus-d2. they indicate acknowledgement of the signal. natalie is pushed over the plank, but she grabs onto it as she falls and bounces back. at the same moment, linus-d2 ejects a can of mace from a compartment in his head. natalie uses the mace to send various naked & petrified teen girls carreening into the pit of hot grits. the grits bubble in delight.
matalie takes advantage of the chaos. she grabs the chain connecting her to the naked & petrified guy and uses it to strangle him.
lando johansen frees mae ling mak and alan cox, who join natalie portman in the fight. natalie makes her way to the main sail barge, while matalie is freed by linus-d2.
linus-d2 and c3-rms dive into the sand. natalie portman grabs her twin sister and jumps back onto the smaller sail barge with lando johansen, mae ling mak and alan cox after setting off the large petrification ray on the main sail barge.
as the smaller sail barge collects the droids and flies away, the entire large sail barge is petrified and collapses under its own weight.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
open source man and the sendmail project leader kneal at the entranceway of the development shop. esr enters the room.
esr: rise my friend.
open source man and the project leader rise and walk alongside esr.
open source man: the sendmail daemon will be completed on schedule.
esr: you have done well, open source man. and now i sense you wish to continue your quest to open source young natalie portman.
open source man: yes, my master.
esr: patience, my friend. in time she will seek you out. and when she does, you must bring her before me. she has developed nicely. only together can we turn her to the open source side.
open source man: as you wish.
esr: everything is proceeding as i have foreseen.
esr laughes as they walk down the hallway.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
linus-d2 waits outside in the rain. natalie portman is inside a small hut with betty davis.
betty davis: hmmm. that face you make. look i so old to young eyes?
natalie portman: no... of course not.
betty davis: i do, yes, i do! sick have i become. old and weak. when nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not! soon i will rest. yes, forever sleep. earned it i have.
natalie portman: mistress davis, you can't die.
betty davis: strong am i with femininity. but not that strong! twilight is upon me and soon night must fall. that is the way of things... the way of the hot young actress.
natalie portman: but i need your help. i've come back to complete the training.
betty davis: no more training do you require. already know you that which you need.
natalie portman: then i am a hot young actress?
betty davis: ohhhh. not yet. one thing remains: open source man. you must confront open source man. only then a hot young actress will you be. and confront him you will.
natalie portman: mistress davis.... was open source man the president of my fan club?
betty davis: mmmm... rest i need. yes... rest.
natalie portman: betty, i must know.
betty davis: the president of your fan club he was. told you did he?
natalie portman: yes.
betty davis: unexpected this is. and unfortunate.
natalie portman: unfortunate that i know the truth?
betty davis: no. unfortunate that you rushed to face him... that incomplete was your hotness. not ready for a sexual relationship were you. remember, a hot young actress's strength flows from her hot young buttocks. but beware. anger, fear, agression. the open source side are they. once you start down the open source path, forever will it dominate your destiny. consume you it will. natalie... natalie... do not... do not underestimate the powers of esr, or suffer open source man's fate you will. natalie, when gone am i, the last of the hot young actresses will you be. natalie, hotness is strong in your family. pass on what you have learned. natalie... there is... another.... port... port... man.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
natalie portman wanders back outside. she is depressed.
natalie portman: i can't do it linus. i can't go on alone.
hedy lamar: betty davis will always be with you.
natalie looks up and sees the spirit of hedy lamar. hedy approaches natalie and they sit together on a tree trunk.
natalie portman: hedy lamar! why didn't you tell me? you told me open source man tied up and bludgeoned the president of my fan club!
hedy lamar: the president of your fan club was seduced by the open source community. he ceased to be anonymous coward and became open source man. when that happened, the good man who was the president of your fan club was destroyed. so what i have told you was true... from a certain point of view.
natalie portman: a certain point of view!
hedy lamar: natalie, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. anonymous was a good friend. when i first knew him, anonymous was already a great fan of yours. i was amazed at how obsessed he was with you. i took it upon myself to train him as the president of your fan club. i thought i could instruct him just as well as betty davis. i was wrong.
natalie portman: there's still good in him.
hedy lamar: he is more machine now than man. horny and desperate.
natalie portman: i can't do it, hedy. i can't kill the president of my own fan club.
hedy lamar: then esr has already won. you were our only hope.
natalie portman: betty spoke of another.
hedy lamar: the other she spoke of is your identical twin sister.
natalie portman: but i have no sister.
hedy lamar: to protect you both from esr, you were hidden from him when you were born.
natalie portman: matalie! matalie's my sister!
hedy lamar: your insight serves you well. bury your feelings deep down, natalie. they do you credit. but they could be made to serve esr.
The subjects of this article really seemed like a joke. Some of the recountings reminded me of something out of a bad movie... a REALLY bad movie, like "Teen Witch" where you just cringe while you watch it. Some of the things these "professional namers" said were frightening. I wonder if they really believe their own words, or were they just making a sales pitch? Jesus. I don't know how the writer actually managed to interview these people while keeping a straight face (assuming she did keep a straight face). This may be a symptom of why we're having protests in Seattle... business is just so out of touch with real people.
I remember my last year of school (not my senior year, since I quit and took the GED exam). I had ended up in this class called "Intrapersonal Communication" or some such. Basically it was a class where we "shared our feelings with the group." There were about 20 people in the class and toward the end of the year, we each had to sit there while the teacher went around the circle and let each and every person comment on what they thought of us. Everyone pretty much got rave reviews... until it was my turn. I had to sit there and listen to about 20 people tell me how many different ways I sucked. I couldn't get up and leave, I couldn't tell them to piss off, I had to just sit there and take it... 20 times. This was just the cherry on top of the "dysfunctional home," the "bullying," etc. and that particular teacher said I had problems and I couldn't accept criticism when I left the class telling them they could all "f$%k off." That was the last day I ever attended high school. Some people just need to get a clue. How much abuse do they expect kids to take? This profiling just serves to further isolate them.
It makes good business sense for Intel to have as many operating systems as possible supporting its chips. I see this as a good thing for the Linux community at large. I wouldn't think of it as a bloody battle so much as stiff competition... which leads to innovation. That's the way the market is supposed to work (unless you're based in Redmond, Washington).
Slashdot Mirror
i used to be a delivery driver for the coca cola company, here in the united states. however, after being brought up on charges of indecent exposure, i was given the choice of being fired or taking up the new route in a small village near the serenghetti.
i'll never forget my first delivery. two small native boys were standing there waiting for me like i was santa clause. the younger one asked his older friend, "what do you think it tastes like?!"
the older boy smiled, "my dad says it's like kissing a girl!"
the boys giggled and watched as i unloaded the first coca cola products to ever make way to their village.
eventually, i finished that particular delivery and readied the truck up for the next one. i looked in my rear-view mirror as i drove away. i'll never forget the heart-warming vision i beheld.
the boys had already run into the store and gotten one bottle of coca cola apiece. the younger one took his first drink and smiled. he plunged his toungue into the long neck and moved it passionately around in the top of the bottle.
his body spasmed with euphoria as he passionately caressed the dripping wet bottle of delight. the older boy watched with excitement.
the young boy dropped to the ground and began rolling around in the tall grass. the last thing i saw was an animated piece of rubber dog feces approaching the boys to ask for directions.
i wiped a single tear from my eye. it's those moments that sustain me as i lay here dying from that hideous ebola virus. somebody should really keep those monkey carcasses out of public areas.
thank you.
i used to be a delivery driver for the coca cola company, here in the united states. however, after being brought up on charges of indecent exposure, i was given the choice of being fired or taking up the new route in a small village near the serenghetti.
i'll never forget my first delivery. two small native boys were standing there waiting for me like i was santa clause. the younger one asked his older friend, "what do you think it tastes like?!"
the older boy smiled, "my dad says it's like kissing a girl!"
the boys giggled and watched as i unloaded the first coca cola products to ever make way to their village.
eventually, i finished that particular delivery and readied the truck up for the next one. i looked in my rear-view mirror as i drove away. i'll never forget the heart-warming vision i beheld.
the boys had already run into the store and gotten one bottle of coca cola apiece. the younger one took his first drink and smiled. he plunged his toungue into the long neck and moved it passionately around in the top of the bottle.
his body spasmed with euphoria as he passionately caressed the dripping wet bottle of delight. the older boy watched with excitement.
the young boy dropped to the ground and began rolling around in the tall grass. the last thing i saw was an animated piece of rubber dog feces approaching the boys to ask for directions.
i wiped a single tear from my eye. it's those moments that sustain me as i lay here dying from that hideous ebola virus. somebody should really keep those monkey carcasses out of public areas.
thank you.
gasp, i hear you say.
yes. sadly, it's true. let me explain.
i've always been a big fan of movies. any movies! good movies. bad movies. good movies that were meant to be bad. bad movies that were meant to be good. i find humor, inspiration, sadness... whatever... in all of them.
and so, i lay on my futon a mere few hours ago enjoying a particularly nasty abomination of celluloid which detailed the wondrous creation of the band we all know and love: the "village people." i won't go into too much detail about the movie. valerie perrine portrayed a spritely friend of the guys who was instrumental in getting them noticed by the record company. the village people appeared as themselves... as only they could. i must say, the part that took place in the early days of the band's career was powerful, to say the least.
as i watched the film, the images seemed to penetrate into the narcotic-saturated gooiness of my mind and take on an independent form. it wasn't long before i had slipped into a strange world, half real and half dream in which the village people, naked (but not petrified) danced and lured me into helping them rewrite their beloved classic "y.m.c.a." for it's year 2000 comeback.
the haunting lyrics i created for them are reproduced here, as proof of my last shred of sanity floating away forever.
young man, there's no need to feel down
i said, young man, look up natalie's gown
i said, young man, 'cause she's almost full grown
there's no need to be unhappy
young man, there's a girl you should know
i said, young man, when you're short on your dough
open the source, and i'm sure you will find
many ways to have a good time.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
she has everything for young men to enjoy.
you can just play with all her toys.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
you can get yourself clean
you can have a good meal
you can do whatever you feel.
young man, are you listening to me
i said, young man, what do you want to be
i said, young man, you can make real your dreams,
but you've got to know this one thing.
no man, does it all by himself
i said, young man, put your pride on the shelf
and just join the, open-np project
i'm sure they can use your help
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
she has everything for young men to enjoy.
you can just play with all her toys.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
you can get yourself clean
you can have a good meal
you can do whatever you feel.
young man, i was once in your shoes,
i said, i was down with the blues
i felt, no chick cared if i were alive
i felt the whole world was so jive
that's when someone came up to me
and said young man take a walk up the street
there's a chick there called natalie portman
you'll love her firm young buttocks man!
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
she has everything for young men to enjoy.
you can just play with all her toys.
nat'lie portman.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
young man, young man, there's no need to feel down
young man, young man, look up natalie's gown
nat'lie portman
just open source nat'lie portman
young man, young man, i was once in your shoes,
young man, young man, i was out with the blues
nat'lie portman
nat'lie portman
nat'lie portman
nat'lie portman
thank you.
gasp, i hear you say.
yes. sadly, it's true. let me explain.
i've always been a big fan of movies. any movies! good movies. bad movies. good movies that were meant to be bad. bad movies that were meant to be good. i find humor, inspiration, sadness... whatever... in all of them.
and so, i lay on my futon a mere few hours ago enjoying a particularly nasty abomination of celluloid which detailed the wondrous creation of the band we all know and love: the "village people." i won't go into too much detail about the movie. valerie perrine portrayed a spritely friend of the guys who was instrumental in getting them noticed by the record company. the village people appeared as themselves... as only they could. i must say, the part that took place in the early days of the band's career was powerful, to say the least.
as i watched the film, the images seemed to penetrate into the narcotic-saturated gooiness of my mind and take on an independent form. it wasn't long before i had slipped into a strange world, half real and half dream in which the village people, naked (but not petrified) danced and lured me into helping them rewrite their beloved classic "y.m.c.a." for it's year 2000 comeback.
the haunting lyrics i created for them are reproduced here, as proof of my last shred of sanity floating away forever.
young man, there's no need to feel down
i said, young man, look up natalie's gown
i said, young man, 'cause she's almost full grown
there's no need to be unhappy
young man, there's a girl you should know
i said, young man, when you're short on your dough
open the source, and i'm sure you will find
many ways to have a good time.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
she has everything for young men to enjoy.
you can just play with all her toys.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
you can get yourself clean
you can have a good meal
you can do whatever you feel.
young man, are you listening to me
i said, young man, what do you want to be
i said, young man, you can make real your dreams,
but you've got to know this one thing.
no man, does it all by himself
i said, young man, put your pride on the shelf
and just join the, open-np project
i'm sure they can use your help
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
she has everything for young men to enjoy.
you can just play with all her toys.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
you can get yourself clean
you can have a good meal
you can do whatever you feel.
young man, i was once in your shoes,
i said, i was down with the blues
i felt, no chick cared if i were alive
i felt the whole world was so jive
that's when someone came up to me
and said young man take a walk up the street
there's a chick there called natalie portman
you'll love her firm young buttocks man!
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
she has everything for young men to enjoy.
you can just play with all her toys.
nat'lie portman.
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
it's fun to open source nat'lie portman
young man, young man, there's no need to feel down
young man, young man, look up natalie's gown
nat'lie portman
just open source nat'lie portman
young man, young man, i was once in your shoes,
young man, young man, i was out with the blues
nat'lie portman
nat'lie portman
nat'lie portman
nat'lie portman
thank you.
since charley is fat
i reccomend that he mates
only with roseanne
fat-time's only sexual encounter was with lubie, his lubricating midget rapid fire pellet gun. that is how he became a superhero. he and lubie were sexually experimenting next to a pool of toxic waste and fell in. roseanne makes my spine crawl.
opensource man: a charge -
remain true to your trolling
portman is our slut
uhmmmm... hehe... ?
offtopic are you,
nothing new there.
down goes your precious karma,
my precious karma?! are you high?!
like yoda speak I
lol.
You know, I checked out CmdrTaco's web site. Do you think he would be interested in illustrating fat-time for me?!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
natalie portman joins the rest of the group at the fan-club headquarters. they are making arrangements for the upcoming final battle.
admiral katzbar: mae ling mak will lead a group to the open source code generator. there, they will deactivate the new sendmail daemon. this will allow us to communicate battle orders to the fan-club members attacking the open source development house and end esr's terrible reign!
the groups divide up and head out for battle. on the way out, matalie notices something is troubling natalie.
matalie: natalie what's wrong?
natalie: matalie... do you remember your mother? your real mother?
matalie: just a little bit. she died when i was very young.
natalie: i have no memory of my mother. i never knew her.
matalie: natalie, tell me, what's troubling you?
natalie: open source man is here, now, near this bunker.
matalie: how do you know?
natalie: i felt his presence. he's come for me. he can feel when i'm near. that's why i have to go. as long as i stay, i'm endagering the group and our mission here. i have to face him.
matalie: why?
natalie: he was the president of my fan club.
matalie: your fan club?!
natalie: there's more. it won't be easy for you to hear it, but you must. if i don't make it back, you're the only hope for the fan-club.
matalie: natalie, don't talk that way. you have a power i don't understand and could never have!
natalie: you're wrong, matalie. you have that power too. in time, you'll learn to use it as i have. being a hot young actress runs in my family. my mother had it. i have it. and... my sister has it.... yes. it's you matalie.
matalie: i know. somehow... i've always known.
they embrace before natalie portman leaves to surrender. mae ling mak approaches natalie portman.
mae ling mak: hey, what's goin' on?
matalie: i... i can't tell you.
mae ling mak: did you tell natalie? is that who you could tell?!
mae ling mak begins to leave, then hesitates.
mae ling mak: i'm sorry.
matalie: hold me!
mae ling mak and matalie embrace.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
two random open source developers enter the cat-walk holding natalie portman in chains.
random open source developer #1: this is the hot young actress who surrendered to us. although she denies it, i believe there may be more of them and i request permission to conduct a search of the area. she was armed only with this.
the random open source developer hands open source man a spray-can of mace.
open source man: good work coder. leave us. conduct your search and bring her companions to me.
the random open source developers leave.
open source man: esr has been expecting you.
natalie portman: i know, president.
open source man: so... you've accepted the truth!
natalie portman: i've accepted the truth that you were once anonymous coward... president of my fan club.
open source man: that name no longer holds any meaning for me!
natalie portman: it's the name of your true self. you've only forgotten. i know there is good in you! esr hasn't driven it from you fully! that was why you couldn't bludgeon me before. that's why you won't bring me to esr now.
open source man seems distracted by natalie's firm buttocks.
open source man: i see your figure has filled out. your development is complete. indeed you are alluring as esr has forseen.
natalie is unsure of what open source man plans on doing. she is a bit nervous.
natalie portman: come with me.
open source man: my girlfriend once thought as you do. you don't know the power of open source! i must obey esr!
natalie portman: i will not be open sourced. and you will be forced to bludgeon me with the open source gnu sausage.
open source man: if that is your destiny...
natalie portman: search your feelings, anonymous. you can't do this! i feel the conflict within you! let go of your lust!
open source man: it is too late for me, natalie.
open source man motions for an open source developer.
open source man: esr will show you the true nature of open source. he is your master now!
dissappointed, natalie nods her head.
natalie portman: then the president of my fan club is truly dead.
as the open source developer takes natalie away, open source man gazes longingly at her buttocks. he turns to look out the window, harkening back to his innocent youth, when he was president of the natalie portman fan-club. he sighs, deeply.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
back outside, mae ling mak, matalie portman, alan cox, c3-rms, linus-d2 and some natalie portman fan-club members are walking across the park, approaching the code generator. they run into a biker gang of lubricating midgets. they befriend the midgets and convince them to help in the attack. the midgets decide to wait in the bushes surrounding the bunker to ambush any unforseen open source developers which may show up.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
open source man and natalie portman enter esr's throne-room. esr is sitting in a chair at the top of a platform. open source man and natalie portman approach.
esr: welcome, hot young actress, i've been expecting you. you'll no longer need those.
esr waves a finger and natalie's hand-cuffs fall off.
esr: guards... leave us.
the gaurds leave.
esr: i am looking forward to completing your sexual development. in time, you will call me master.
natalie portman: you're gravely mistaken. you won't open source me.
esr: oh no, my hot young actress, you will find it is you who are mistaken... about a great many things.
open source man: her can of mace.
esr: ah yes. a hot young actresses weapon. much like the ones that have been used on me time and again. by now you must know your old fan-club president can never be turned from the open-source side. so will it be with you.
natalie portman: you're wrong. soon i'll be dead and you with me.
esr: laughs. perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of your fans. yes. i assure you, we are quite safe from your fans here.
natalie portman: your overconfidence is your weakness.
esr: your faith in your fans is yours.
open source man: it is pointless to resist, natalie.
esr: everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. your fans are walking into a trap. it was i who allowed the natalie portman fan club to know the location of the code generator. i assure you, it is quite safe from your pitiful little band. an entire legion of my best coders await them. oh... i'm afraid the sendmail daemon will be quite operational when your fans arrive!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
mae ling mak, matalie, alan cox and several natalie portman fans storm the code generator bunker, taking everyone prisoner.
mae ling mak: all right! up! move! come on! quickly! quickly, alan!
the natalie portman fans herd the generator programmers away from their panels. matalie glances at a display screen.
matalie: mae! hurry! the fan club will be here any moment!
mae ling mak: charges! come on! come on!
outside, c3-rms watches from the bushes. he sees several open source developers storm into the bunker.
c3-rms: oh, my! they'll be captured!
lubie chatters something as he takes off into the forest.
c3-rms: wait! come back! linus, stay with me...
back inside the bunker, mae ling mak looks up just as an open source developer enters.
open source developer: freeze! you groovy chick!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
the natalie portman fan club is storming down the highway, close to esr's palace.
natalie portman fan #1: sir! we still don't have email contact with headquarters!
fan club president: retreat! all fans retreat! the sendmail daemon is still operational!
the fans turn and try to escape. an enormous wave of open source developers attack from the side.
fan club president: it's a trap!
a vicious battle ensues.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
inside esr's throne room, a large window allows easy viewing of the battle going on outside.
esr: come, girl, see for yourself. from here you will witness the final destruction of your fan-club and the end of your insignificant chastity.
natalie is in torment. she glances at her can of mace sitting next to esr's hand.
esr: you want this, don't you? the lust is swelling in you now. take your hot young actress weapon. strike me down with it. give in to your sexuality. with each passing moment, you make yourself more my love-slave.
natalie portman: no!
esr: it is unavoidable. it is your destiny. you, like open source man, are now mine!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
back outside the open source code generator bunker, the open source developers have brought mae ling mak, matalie, alan cox and the natalie portman fans outside. c3-rms and linus-d2 appear from the bushes.
c3-rms: hello! i say, over there! were you looking for me?!
the open source developers look up. while they are distracted, a mass of lubricating midgets attacks. a massive battle breaks out. the lubricating midgets begin painting the open source developers with melted oleo. they slide over each other. they become so aroused that they begin a giant orgy. mae ling mak, matalie, alan cox and the natalie portman fans take advantage of the opportunity to return to the bunker and deactivate the sendmail daemon.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
esr: your fans have lost. and your friends at the open source code generator bunker will not survive. there is no escape, my young sex-slave. the natalie portman fan club will die... as will your friends.
natalie loses control and grabs her mace. open source man sheilds esr from the spray. natalie runs and hides.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
though outnumbered, the natalie portman fan club is winning the battle. the open source developers are so exhausted from overwork that they are practically useless in battle. not to mention that the natalie portman fans are energized at the thought of meeting natalie portman face-to-face once they take control of the building. the natalie portman fan club president suddenly gets a mail message from the fan club headquarters.
fan club president: i've got mail! the sendmail daemon is down! commence attack on the open source development house!
the natalie portman fans roar with excitement as they beat back the few remaining open source developers and head toward the building.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
natalie portman is hiding in esr's throne room. open source man is trying to locate her.
open source man: you cannot hide forever, natalie.
natalie portman: i will not be open sourced.
open source man: give yourself to the open source community. it is the only way you can save your friends.
natalie portman strains to contain her thoughts.
open source man: ah yes, your thoughts betray you. your feelings for them are strong. especially for... sister. so... you have a twin sister! now your feelings have betrayed her too. your parents were wise to hide her from me. now their failure is complete! if you will not be open sourced, then perhaps she will!
natalie portman jumps out from behind a mainframe, wielding a can of mace. she begins beating open source man back with it.
natalie portman: noooooooo!
natalie portman sprays open source man in the face with the self-protection spray. he crumples to the ground, holding his arm out to protect his face from another attack.
natalie portman is crazed with the power of open source.
esr cackles evilly as he steps down from his platform toward natalie.
esr: good. good! your open-sourcedness has made you powerful. now, release your sexuality and take open source man's place at my side.
natalie looks down at the fallen open source man, breathing heavily as his sinuses sting from the mace. she harkens back to her youthful obsession with a hot young actor.
natalie portman: never. i'll never turn to the open source side. you failed your highness. i am chaste, like open source man before me!
esr: so be it, closed-source girl. if you will not be open sourced, then you will be bludgeoned with the open source sausage!
esr grabs a giant sausage with a taxidermied gnu's head mounted on the end of it. he begins to beat natalie with it.
esr: hot young actress... only now, at the end, do you understand! you have paid the price for your lack of vision!
esr thrashes some more... open source man shakes off the mace.
esr: your hot young femininity is no match for the power of open source!
esr beats natalie again. open source man pulls himself to his feet and stands next to esr.
esr: and now, young portman, you will feel the full wrath of the gnu!
natalie portman screams in horror as esr thrashes her harder.
natalie portman: aaaargghghghghgh! open source man! please! help me!
open source man looks fondly upon natalie's firm young buttocks. he looks at esr. with a final surge of passion for the hot young actress, open source man lifts esr over his head and carries him to the window. open source man tosses esr into the blackness of night, but not before esr gets several good whacks in with the open source sausage.
open source man collapses to the floor. natalie portman crawls over to him and holds his head gently in her arms...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
outside, the fan club has beaten back the open source developers. the few remaining developers are rounded up and taken prisoner. the fan club members have penetrated the development house and have begun dismantling it. they are tearing it apart with their bare hands.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
natalie portman drags open source man through the development house. esr writings are flying around everywhere in the turmoil. the building is about to collapse from the attack of the natalie portman fan-club alliance. natalie is trying to reach a cart to drive her and open source man out to safety.
open source man: natalie, help me take these pants off.
natalie portman: but you'll make a mess all over the floor!
open source man: nothing can stop that now. just for once, let me love you with my own genitalia.
natalie nods in agreement. she removes open source man's pants. he smiles with relief. natalie gazes upon the pale, disfigured genitalia with pity.
open source man: now... go. leave me!
natalie portman: i'll not leave you. i've got to let you open source me!
open source man: you already have! you were hot! you were hot, natalie! tell your sister, you were ho...
with that, open source man slips away into a coma of bliss. filled with sorrow and pity, natalie takes one last look at the exposed genitalia. the development house begins to crumble. natalie quickly drags open source man's carcass onto the cart and escapes before the building collapses.
natalie reaches the street-corner. she spots her parents waiting to pick her up as designated. she dumps open source man onto the sidewalk, under a power line. she scribbles her phone number on a piece of paper and lays it on his chest. as she walks away, the tremors from the crumbling of the development house cause the power line to snap. it lands on open source man and ignites him. wistfully, natalie watches as he burns to a crisp.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
matalie and mae ling mak watch as the development house crumbles to the ground.
mae ling mak: i'm sure natalie wasn't in there when it blew.
matalie: she wasn't. i can feel it.
mae ling mak: you love her, don't you?
matalie: well... yes.
mae ling mak: fine. when she comes back... i won't get in the way.
matalie: it's not like that. she's my identical twin sister!
mae ling mak experiences a moment of confusion. then joy as she realizes matalie is all hers. they embrace and kiss.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
natalie portman is at a party with matalie and the members of the fan-club. she harkens back to the previous week when open source man saved her. she looks out the window... open source man's blue-auraed spirit is standing in the front lawn, naked and aroused, warmly smiling at her. standing on either side of him are betty davis and hedy lamar. natalie smiles back before rejoining her friends...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
the end.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
starring
open source man
anonymous coward
natalie portman
natalie portman
matalie (natalie portman's identical twin sister)
natalie portman
esr
esr
naked & petrified guy
anonymous coward
lacey chabert naked & petrified
lacey chabert naked & petrified
mae ling mak naked & petrified
mae ling mak naked & petrified
mae ling mak clothed & mobile
mae ling mak clothed & mobile
c3-rms
richard m. stallman
linus-d2
linus torvalds
open source gnu sausage
farmland national headquarters mascot sausage + taxidermied gnu's head
with special appearances by
tom christiansen (sweaty topless male dancer #1)
larry wall (sweaty topless male dancer #2)
produced by
anonymous coward
directed by
anonymous coward
written by
anonymous coward
special visual effects
anonymous coward
sound design
anonymous coward
music
anonymous coward
key grip
anonymous coward
sausage wrangler
anonymous coward
thank you.
STAR (as in hot young actress) WARS
...and a gift. gift?! what gift?!
chapter vi
a story of tender love
natalie portman has returned to her home town of albany new york to rescue her friend, mae ling mak, from the clutches of the vile gangster, naked & petrified guy.
little does natalie know that the evil open source empire, led by esr, has begun construction on a new sendmail daemon even more powerful than the first dreaded sendmail.
once completed, this new daemon will spell certain doom for the natalie portman fan-club, ending their means of sending fan-mail...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
open source man arrives at the development house. workers are scuttling about attempting to look busy.
project leader: open source man, this is an unexpected pleasure. we are honored by your presence.
open source man: you may dispense with the pleasantries, project leader. i am here to put you back on schedule.
project leader: i assure you, open source man, my men are working as fast as they can.
open source man: perhaps i can find new ways to motivate them!
project leader: the new sendmail daemon will be completed on schedule!
open source man: esr does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.
project leader: but he asks the impossible! i need more volunteers!
open source man: then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives here.
project leader: esr is coming here?!
open source man: that is correct, project leader, and he is most displeased with your apparant lack of progress.
project leader: we shall double our efforts!
open source man: i hope so, project leader, for your sake. esr is not as forgiving as i am.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
c3-rms and linus-d2 are walking down the sidewalk in albany new york, headed for the naked & petrified guy's palace.
c3-rms: of course i'm worried. and you should be, too. lando johansen and poor alan cox never returned from this awful place.
linus-d2: chirp, chirp.
c3-rms: don't be so sure. if i told you half the things i've heard about this naked & petrified guy, you'd probably short-circuit.
the two droids approach the gate of the massive palace.
c3-rms: linus, are you sure this is the right place? i better knock, i suppose.
c3-rms knocks on the iron door.
c3-rms: there doesn't seem to be anyone there. let's go back and tell mistress portman.
a small hatch opens in the middle of the door and an aibo head pops out.
aibo head: tnaw uoy od kcuf eht tahw?
c3-rms: goodness gracious me! yug deifirtep & dekan eht ot egassem a evig ot emoc evah ew. smr-3c ma i dna 2d-sunil si siht.
the aibo examines the droids, laughs, then returns to its hole.
c3-rms: i don't think they're going to let us in, linus. we'd better go!
the door opens and linus rushes inside. hesitantly, c3-rms follows.
c3-rms: oh, linus! linus, wait for me!
the giant door slams shut behind the droids. two naked and petrified statue gaurds close in on the droids.
c3-rms: just you deliver mistress portman's message and get us out of here.
out of the darkness, a naked & petrified lacey chabert enters the room.
lacey chabert statue: olleh
c3-rms: oh, my! olleh. we bring a message to your master, the naked & petrified guy.
linus-d2: chirp, beep, chirp.
c3-rms:
lacey shakes her head. lacey holds out her hand toward linus, who chirps in protest as he backs away.
c3-rms: he says that our instructions are to give it only to naked & petrified himself. i'm terribly sorry. i'm afraid he's ever so stubborn about these sorts of things.
lacey motions for the droids to follow her. lacey leads the droids into the naked & petrified guy's throne room. they stand nervously before him.
c3-rms: the message, linus, the message.
a projection of natalie portman beams out from the center of linus' head... the projection speaks...
natalie portman: greetings exalted one. allow me to introduce myself. i am natalie portman, hot young actress and friend to mae ling mak. i know that you are powerful, mighty naked & petrified, and that your lust for mae ling must be equally powerful. i seek an audience with your greatness to bargain for mae ling's life. with your wisdom, i'm sure that we can work out an arrangement which will be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant confrontation. as a token of my goodwill, i present to you a gift: these two droids. both are hardworking and will serve you well.
naked & petrified guy: there will be no bargain! i will not give up my favorite wall decoration. i like mae ling where she is!
the naked and petrified guy points to mae ling mak, naked & petrified and hanging on the wall.
c3-rms: linus, look! it's mae ling! and she's still frozen in carbonite!
the droids are taken away for processing.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
a party is underway in the throne room. larry wall and tom christiansen are topless and chained. the naked & petrified guy holds the chains as the two dance. the naked & petrified guy grows disgusted with the two constantly making sexual advances toward each other. he presses a button on his throne and the two dancers fall into a pit with a giant aibo. the aibo is equipped with a scientifically proven magic petrification ray. the aibo petrifies the two dancers. laughter fills the room full of naked & petrified teen girls.
suddenly, a blast from the hallway interrupts the merriment. a masked figure walks in with a large hairy handcuffed beast.
c3-rms: oh no! alan cox!
naked & petrified guy: at last, we have the mighty alan cox!
the naked & petrified guy motions for c3-rms to come translate. c3-rms complies.
c3-rms: the illustrious naked & petrified guy bids you welcome and will gladly pay you the reward of twenty-five thousand.
bounty hunter: i want fifty thousand. no less.
the naked and petrified guy becomes enraged. he knocks c3-rms back. c3-rms regains his footing.
c3-rms: uh, the mighty naked & petrified guy asks why he must pay fifty thousand.
the bounty hunter holds up a small brown ball.
c3-rms: because he's holding a ball of gnu dung!
naked & petrified guy: this bounty hunter is my kind of scum. fearless and inventive....
c3-rms: the naked & petrified guy offers you the sum of thirty-five and he'll throw in a cute teen girl naked and petrified.
the bounty hunter nods.
c3-rms: he agrees!
the bounty hunter joins in the resumed celebration as alan cox is taken away by a pair of naked and petrified cute teen girls.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
it is dark and quiet in the throne room. all of the cute naked & petrified teen girls are passed out from the drunken festivities. the bounty hunter steps quietly toward the petrified mae ling mak. the bounty hunter flips a switch on one side of mae ling's encasement. the encasement falls to the floor. the bounty hunter pulls a depetrification lever. a bright light shines through the carbonite. mae ling mak's naked body falls out of the shell and onto the floor. the bounty hunter lifts her up. mae ling regains consciousness.
bounty hunter: just relax for a moment. you're free of the carbonite.
mae ling mak: i can't see!
bounty hunter: your eyesight will return in time.
mae ling mak: where am i?
bounty hunter: the naked & petrified guy's palace.
mae ling mak: who are you?
the bounty hunter removes his mask... it's matalie, natalie portman's identical twin sister!
matalie: someone who loves you!
mae ling mak: matalie!
matalie: i gotta get you outta here.
as matalie helps mae ling mak to her feet, a deep cackle booms from a curtain next to them.
mae ling mak: i know that laugh.
the curtain opens to reveal the naked & petrified guy and his cronies, including c3-rms, whose mouth is being covered by lacey chabert, naked and petrified.
mae ling mak: hey, naked and petrified guy, i was just on my way to bring you some cute teen girls, but i got a little sidetracked. it's not my fault!
naked & petrified guy: it's too late for that, mae ling. you may have been a good provider of cute teen girls, but now you're highway pavement!
mae ling mak: look!
naked & petrified guy: take her away!
a couple of naked & petrified cute teen girls grab mae ling mak and drag her off.
mae ling mak: naked & petrified, i'll pay you triple... you're throwing away 24 cute teen girls here. don't be a fool!
mae ling mak is removed from the scene. the naked & petrified guy turns his attentions to matalie.
naked & petrified guy: bring her to me!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
all is dark and quiet in the entranceway to the naked & petrified guy's palace. the main gate raises to let in a bright white light from outside. the silhouetted figure of natalie portman enters the palace. two naked & petrified cute teen girls try to bar natalie's progress. natalie raises her hand and the guards fall back. natalie proceeds on to the naked & petrified guy's throne room. natalie portman enters the throne room and the naked & petrified guy awakes.
natalie portman lifts her skirt as her twin sister watches.
natalie portman: you will bring mae ling mak and alan cox to me.
naked & petrified guy: your sexual powers will not work on me, girl!
natalie portman: nevertheless, i am taking mae ling and her friends. you can either profit by this or be destroyed. it's your choice. but i warn you not to underestimate the powers of my hot young body.
the naked and petrified guy glares at natalie portman smugly. he presses the button to the trapdoor.
naked & petrified guy: there will be no bargain, young actress. i shall enjoy admiring you nude and imobile.
natalie portman falls into the pit with the giant aibo, equipped with the scientifically proven magic petrification ray. the aibo's ray warms up and it begins to fire, but not before natalie pulls a mirror from her purse and holds it up to the aibo. the ray reflects from the mirror and petrifies the aibo.
a naked and petrified cmdr taco and hemos come into the chamber. they are devastated at the loss of the aibo.
the naked & petrified guy is also infuriated.
naked & petrified guy: bring me mak and cox! they will all suffer for this outrage!
several naked & petrified cute teen girls scramble about. mae ling mak, alan cox and natalie portman are brought before the naked & petrified guy. c3-rms translates.
c3-rms: oh dear. his high exaltedness, the great naked & petrified guy, has decreed that you are to be terminated immediately.
mae ling mak: good, i hate long waits.
c3-rms: you will therefore be taken to the dune sea and cast into a pit of hot grits.
mae ling mak: doesn't sound so bad.
c3-rms: there you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as your are slowly digested over a thousand years.
mae ling mak: on second thought, let's pass on that.
natalie portman: you should have bargained, naked & petrified guy. that's the last mistake you'll ever make!
the naked & petrified guy cackles evilly as the prisoners are hearded off.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
at the pit of hot grits, natalie portman, alan cox and mae ling mak are moved into position to be pushed into the pit from a small sail barge. matalie and linus-d2 watch from the naked & petrified guy's larger sail barge.
a naked & petrified cute teen girl moves natalie portman into position. natalie portman nods to lando johansen and linus-d2. they indicate acknowledgement of the signal. natalie is pushed over the plank, but she grabs onto it as she falls and bounces back. at the same moment, linus-d2 ejects a can of mace from a compartment in his head. natalie uses the mace to send various naked & petrified teen girls carreening into the pit of hot grits. the grits bubble in delight.
matalie takes advantage of the chaos. she grabs the chain connecting her to the naked & petrified guy and uses it to strangle him.
lando johansen frees mae ling mak and alan cox, who join natalie portman in the fight. natalie makes her way to the main sail barge, while matalie is freed by linus-d2.
linus-d2 and c3-rms dive into the sand. natalie portman grabs her twin sister and jumps back onto the smaller sail barge with lando johansen, mae ling mak and alan cox after setting off the large petrification ray on the main sail barge.
as the smaller sail barge collects the droids and flies away, the entire large sail barge is petrified and collapses under its own weight.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
open source man and the sendmail project leader kneal at the entranceway of the development shop. esr enters the room.
esr: rise my friend.
open source man and the project leader rise and walk alongside esr.
open source man: the sendmail daemon will be completed on schedule.
esr: you have done well, open source man. and now i sense you wish to continue your quest to open source young natalie portman.
open source man: yes, my master.
esr: patience, my friend. in time she will seek you out. and when she does, you must bring her before me. she has developed nicely. only together can we turn her to the open source side.
open source man: as you wish.
esr: everything is proceeding as i have foreseen.
esr laughes as they walk down the hallway.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
linus-d2 waits outside in the rain. natalie portman is inside a small hut with betty davis.
betty davis: hmmm. that face you make. look i so old to young eyes?
natalie portman: no... of course not.
betty davis: i do, yes, i do! sick have i become. old and weak. when nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not! soon i will rest. yes, forever sleep. earned it i have.
natalie portman: mistress davis, you can't die.
betty davis: strong am i with femininity. but not that strong! twilight is upon me and soon night must fall. that is the way of things... the way of the hot young actress.
natalie portman: but i need your help. i've come back to complete the training.
betty davis: no more training do you require. already know you that which you need.
natalie portman: then i am a hot young actress?
betty davis: ohhhh. not yet. one thing remains: open source man. you must confront open source man. only then a hot young actress will you be. and confront him you will.
natalie portman: mistress davis.... was open source man the president of my fan club?
betty davis: mmmm... rest i need. yes... rest.
natalie portman: betty, i must know.
betty davis: the president of your fan club he was. told you did he?
natalie portman: yes.
betty davis: unexpected this is. and unfortunate.
natalie portman: unfortunate that i know the truth?
betty davis: no. unfortunate that you rushed to face him... that incomplete was your hotness. not ready for a sexual relationship were you. remember, a hot young actress's strength flows from her hot young buttocks. but beware. anger, fear, agression. the open source side are they. once you start down the open source path, forever will it dominate your destiny. consume you it will. natalie... natalie... do not... do not underestimate the powers of esr, or suffer open source man's fate you will. natalie, when gone am i, the last of the hot young actresses will you be. natalie, hotness is strong in your family. pass on what you have learned. natalie... there is... another.... port... port... man.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
natalie portman wanders back outside. she is depressed.
natalie portman: i can't do it linus. i can't go on alone.
hedy lamar: betty davis will always be with you.
natalie looks up and sees the spirit of hedy lamar. hedy approaches natalie and they sit together on a tree trunk.
natalie portman: hedy lamar! why didn't you tell me? you told me open source man tied up and bludgeoned the president of my fan club!
hedy lamar: the president of your fan club was seduced by the open source community. he ceased to be anonymous coward and became open source man. when that happened, the good man who was the president of your fan club was destroyed. so what i have told you was true... from a certain point of view.
natalie portman: a certain point of view!
hedy lamar: natalie, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. anonymous was a good friend. when i first knew him, anonymous was already a great fan of yours. i was amazed at how obsessed he was with you. i took it upon myself to train him as the president of your fan club. i thought i could instruct him just as well as betty davis. i was wrong.
natalie portman: there's still good in him.
hedy lamar: he is more machine now than man. horny and desperate.
natalie portman: i can't do it, hedy. i can't kill the president of my own fan club.
hedy lamar: then esr has already won. you were our only hope.
natalie portman: betty spoke of another.
hedy lamar: the other she spoke of is your identical twin sister.
natalie portman: but i have no sister.
hedy lamar: to protect you both from esr, you were hidden from him when you were born.
natalie portman: matalie! matalie's my sister!
hedy lamar: your insight serves you well. bury your feelings deep down, natalie. they do you credit. but they could be made to serve esr.
The subjects of this article really seemed like a joke. Some of the recountings reminded me of something out of a bad movie... a REALLY bad movie, like "Teen Witch" where you just cringe while you watch it.
Some of the things these "professional namers" said were frightening. I wonder if they really believe their own words, or were they just making a sales pitch? Jesus.
I don't know how the writer actually managed to interview these people while keeping a straight face (assuming she did keep a straight face).
This may be a symptom of why we're having protests in Seattle... business is just so out of touch with real people.
I remember my last year of school (not my senior year, since I quit and took the GED exam). I had ended up in this class called "Intrapersonal Communication" or some such. Basically it was a class where we "shared our feelings with the group."
There were about 20 people in the class and toward the end of the year, we each had to sit there while the teacher went around the circle and let each and every person comment on what they thought of us. Everyone pretty much got rave reviews... until it was my turn.
I had to sit there and listen to about 20 people tell me how many different ways I sucked. I couldn't get up and leave, I couldn't tell them to piss off, I had to just sit there and take it... 20 times.
This was just the cherry on top of the "dysfunctional home," the "bullying," etc. and that particular teacher said I had problems and I couldn't accept criticism when I left the class telling them they could all "f$%k off."
That was the last day I ever attended high school. Some people just need to get a clue. How much abuse do they expect kids to take? This profiling just serves to further isolate them.
It makes good business sense for Intel to have as many operating systems as possible supporting its chips. I see this as a good thing for the Linux community at large. I wouldn't think of it as a bloody battle so much as stiff competition... which leads to innovation. That's the way the market is supposed to work (unless you're based in Redmond, Washington).