There's a saying in Autistic circles -- if you've met one Autistic person, you've met...one Autistic person.:)
And no, we aren't robots. However, while we may be able to learn social skills, they don't get completely ingrained the way they do for neurotypical people. It's always a conscious process for us. That's where the limitation comes in. The conscious processing of social situations is slower and takes more effort/energy than the subconscious processing neurotypicals generally do. Additionally, the problem with social interaction is that there is far more nuance than Autistics can pick up on and process in the short time required. To compound matters, these nuances are often contradictory to one another, and a lot of people have a tendency to say what they don't mean, even when their body language says something else. This results in a great deal of confusion and second-guessing going on, even while trying to process what the person has said and formulate a response. Even in what appears to be a simple conversation, there can be four different things going on in one's head in an effort to process and understand all the little "between the lines" things that are going on in the situation.
While this seems like a good idea from a neurotypical standpoint, it doesn't work as well in practice with a lot of Autistics. Being able to recognize how he communicates is a good piece of advice, though.
A good therapist should be providing immediate feedback, so the failing likely isn't there. Rather, "wild" interactions don't often have that immediate feedback, which is where it gets challenging. The parent can help on that front by providing immediate feedback outside of therapy sessions to help reinforce what the child learned. It's still not perfect, but it can help.
I only partially agree with the "ding" thing and subsequent advice. Certain repetitive habits (aka "stims") serve a vital purpose to an Autistic. As long as they're not harming themselves or others (or breaking things, etc), then it's not a behavior that needs to be stopped and can, in fact, be detrimental if forced away (if you can get the person to stop stimming altogether, most will end up developing something else). If the behavior is destructive or harmful, then certainly, it needs to be redirected.
However, cues can be helpful for other things. Volume modulation is often a weak area for Autistics, so cues to indicate that they're speaking too loudly or too softly are often helpful. Providing feedback for proper sentence structure is also useful.
Your tactical advice examples are also problematic. Looking someone in the eye is physically difficult for many Autistics. It's very unnatural to us and makes us very uncomfortable and can inhibit our ability to process the conversation. There's also a lot more nuance to the "look people in the eye" part of interactions than most people are aware of, because it's usually done subconsciously. As a result, the "look people in the eye" advice can backfire and make the person come off creepy. The better advice would be about when it's most advantageous to look someone in the eye (such as introductions or as a show of power) and how to look at them in ways that show you're paying attention, but still allow you to process the situation as best you can.
"Never lie to a friend" is also one that fails in reality, again due to nuances that most people take for granted. Remember, Autistics will take that to extremes that most people would consider absurd. Even "white lies" told to make a person feel better are considered lies and will be considered a bad thing to an Autistic taught to "never lie to a friend."
"How to Make Friends and Influence People" is a decent guide, but do keep in mind that it was written for neurotypicals by neurotypicals. As a result, the effects will be far more limited. It can help, but don't expect it to help an Autistic as much as it would a neurotypical.
First, let me say that I'm sorry for all the trollish responses. Unfortunately, that's part and parcel when dealing with ASD, especially the high functioning end. You'll probably get a better response, and better signal to noise ratio, from an ASD-specific site, such as http://aspiescentral.com/ . I encourage you to ask there, as well.
Unfortunately, I was not diagnosed until I was in my 20s (Asperger's wasn't in the DSM when I was of prime age for someone catching it, and I'm a woman and considered "gifted," which made me even more likely to fall through the cracks of the system), so I didn't get the early interventions. However, I can share my experiences from *not* having those services available to me.
Without knowing to what level your son is Autistic, and without knowing him personally, it's hard to say whether he's benefiting from the interventions. However, I would say that they're likely better for him than informal playdates. Keep in mind, though, that he may be benefiting, but doesn't have a way to demonstrate his understanding. Additionally, he may benefit in the long run from the things he's learning now.
The problem with informal playdates is that they lack the structure needed for an Autistic child to learn from the encounters. Very often, such situations (as with school if a child goes undiagnosed or the school doesn't accommodate the child) result in confusion and stress, because the situation seems more chaotic to an Autistic than it does to a Neurotypical. Most Autistics have some level of sensory processing delay, and interactions such as playdates (especially if there is more than one other person) leads to the Autistic to get overwhelmed more easily and various mental faculties simply cease working as intended.
This sensory processing delay also means that social situations are going to always be a struggle in one form or another. Some of us can get fairly good at it, while others struggle for the rest of their lives. Even the best of us have our limits, though, before it starts becoming too much, so make sure you're not expecting the therapists to give him the social ease and grace of a neurotypical child. In other words, make sure your expectations are in line with what he's really capable of achieving right now.
Additionally, Autistics generally thrive on structure, routine, and general predictability. The intervention therapies help provide that, because they know how to handle the children who need it and can adapt to the child's needs. Playdates can't do that (however, more structured things, such as the suggestion in a previous response for martial arts, may work better, due to their enforced structure).
On the other hand, what is his schedule like? Does he have sufficient time to spend doing the activities that recharge him? Is he provided time to spend on his special interest or to do what he chooses, by himself? From the list you provided, it seems his schedule may be pretty busy. If so, make sure he has these times to himself, as that is when he'll process all that input he's received, as well as relax and unwind from all the stimulation. If it's not as busy as it sounds, then structured therapy and other activities (such as less structured playdates) don't have to be mutually exclusive. He can start to learn to apply what he learns in therapy to social interactions with peers -- ideally with someone who understands and accepts him and wants to help him.
That said, if you don't think the therapists you have access to are working, definitely consider different ones. Have you worked with your local school district? The public school may be a better fit for him than the private school, depending on availability of resources. For example, my school district has a great special needs program that is available free of cost to my son, and has helped tremendously.
Finally, don't necessarily get caught up in getting him to communicate or do things the same ways you do, but help him find ways
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There's a saying in Autistic circles -- if you've met one Autistic person, you've met...one Autistic person. :)
And no, we aren't robots. However, while we may be able to learn social skills, they don't get completely ingrained the way they do for neurotypical people. It's always a conscious process for us. That's where the limitation comes in. The conscious processing of social situations is slower and takes more effort/energy than the subconscious processing neurotypicals generally do. Additionally, the problem with social interaction is that there is far more nuance than Autistics can pick up on and process in the short time required. To compound matters, these nuances are often contradictory to one another, and a lot of people have a tendency to say what they don't mean, even when their body language says something else. This results in a great deal of confusion and second-guessing going on, even while trying to process what the person has said and formulate a response. Even in what appears to be a simple conversation, there can be four different things going on in one's head in an effort to process and understand all the little "between the lines" things that are going on in the situation.
While this seems like a good idea from a neurotypical standpoint, it doesn't work as well in practice with a lot of Autistics. Being able to recognize how he communicates is a good piece of advice, though.
A good therapist should be providing immediate feedback, so the failing likely isn't there. Rather, "wild" interactions don't often have that immediate feedback, which is where it gets challenging. The parent can help on that front by providing immediate feedback outside of therapy sessions to help reinforce what the child learned. It's still not perfect, but it can help.
I only partially agree with the "ding" thing and subsequent advice. Certain repetitive habits (aka "stims") serve a vital purpose to an Autistic. As long as they're not harming themselves or others (or breaking things, etc), then it's not a behavior that needs to be stopped and can, in fact, be detrimental if forced away (if you can get the person to stop stimming altogether, most will end up developing something else). If the behavior is destructive or harmful, then certainly, it needs to be redirected.
However, cues can be helpful for other things. Volume modulation is often a weak area for Autistics, so cues to indicate that they're speaking too loudly or too softly are often helpful. Providing feedback for proper sentence structure is also useful.
Your tactical advice examples are also problematic. Looking someone in the eye is physically difficult for many Autistics. It's very unnatural to us and makes us very uncomfortable and can inhibit our ability to process the conversation. There's also a lot more nuance to the "look people in the eye" part of interactions than most people are aware of, because it's usually done subconsciously. As a result, the "look people in the eye" advice can backfire and make the person come off creepy. The better advice would be about when it's most advantageous to look someone in the eye (such as introductions or as a show of power) and how to look at them in ways that show you're paying attention, but still allow you to process the situation as best you can.
"Never lie to a friend" is also one that fails in reality, again due to nuances that most people take for granted. Remember, Autistics will take that to extremes that most people would consider absurd. Even "white lies" told to make a person feel better are considered lies and will be considered a bad thing to an Autistic taught to "never lie to a friend."
"How to Make Friends and Influence People" is a decent guide, but do keep in mind that it was written for neurotypicals by neurotypicals. As a result, the effects will be far more limited. It can help, but don't expect it to help an Autistic as much as it would a neurotypical.
First, let me say that I'm sorry for all the trollish responses. Unfortunately, that's part and parcel when dealing with ASD, especially the high functioning end. You'll probably get a better response, and better signal to noise ratio, from an ASD-specific site, such as http://aspiescentral.com/ . I encourage you to ask there, as well.
Unfortunately, I was not diagnosed until I was in my 20s (Asperger's wasn't in the DSM when I was of prime age for someone catching it, and I'm a woman and considered "gifted," which made me even more likely to fall through the cracks of the system), so I didn't get the early interventions. However, I can share my experiences from *not* having those services available to me.
Without knowing to what level your son is Autistic, and without knowing him personally, it's hard to say whether he's benefiting from the interventions. However, I would say that they're likely better for him than informal playdates. Keep in mind, though, that he may be benefiting, but doesn't have a way to demonstrate his understanding. Additionally, he may benefit in the long run from the things he's learning now.
The problem with informal playdates is that they lack the structure needed for an Autistic child to learn from the encounters. Very often, such situations (as with school if a child goes undiagnosed or the school doesn't accommodate the child) result in confusion and stress, because the situation seems more chaotic to an Autistic than it does to a Neurotypical. Most Autistics have some level of sensory processing delay, and interactions such as playdates (especially if there is more than one other person) leads to the Autistic to get overwhelmed more easily and various mental faculties simply cease working as intended.
This sensory processing delay also means that social situations are going to always be a struggle in one form or another. Some of us can get fairly good at it, while others struggle for the rest of their lives. Even the best of us have our limits, though, before it starts becoming too much, so make sure you're not expecting the therapists to give him the social ease and grace of a neurotypical child. In other words, make sure your expectations are in line with what he's really capable of achieving right now.
Additionally, Autistics generally thrive on structure, routine, and general predictability. The intervention therapies help provide that, because they know how to handle the children who need it and can adapt to the child's needs. Playdates can't do that (however, more structured things, such as the suggestion in a previous response for martial arts, may work better, due to their enforced structure).
On the other hand, what is his schedule like? Does he have sufficient time to spend doing the activities that recharge him? Is he provided time to spend on his special interest or to do what he chooses, by himself? From the list you provided, it seems his schedule may be pretty busy. If so, make sure he has these times to himself, as that is when he'll process all that input he's received, as well as relax and unwind from all the stimulation. If it's not as busy as it sounds, then structured therapy and other activities (such as less structured playdates) don't have to be mutually exclusive. He can start to learn to apply what he learns in therapy to social interactions with peers -- ideally with someone who understands and accepts him and wants to help him.
That said, if you don't think the therapists you have access to are working, definitely consider different ones. Have you worked with your local school district? The public school may be a better fit for him than the private school, depending on availability of resources. For example, my school district has a great special needs program that is available free of cost to my son, and has helped tremendously.
Finally, don't necessarily get caught up in getting him to communicate or do things the same ways you do, but help him find ways