Ahhh yes. The classic relationship dilema. While I'm not Ask a Dick I can give you some advice. First off, how's the sex? This is really the only thing that matters. If the sex is good, I suggest doggy style with the keyboard rested across her hips. This way she's getting attention *AND* you can troll Slashdot!
Well I couldn't get on because of some weird firewall shit at work that won't let me onto EFnet. Anyways, if you get bored come to Undernet and look for "cheshrcat".
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Your political party is crazier than a shithouse rat. Please fuck off and die now. You're consuming resources needed by people without their heads up their ass.
Yeah getting klined is pretty lame, but on the other hand I have access to thirty PCs at work and twice that many shell accounts, so its pretty easy for me to survive. I'll try #mindspring someday.
You know, I've found that trolling the stories isn't nearly as much fun as reading some lame jounal entries and posting flames to them. You should give it a whirl sometime.
Oh, sorry about Slashcode fucking up your sig. If it would make you feel better, go to #slashdot on irc.slashnet.org and claim that BSD ripped off their TCP/IP stack from DOS. I've been banned from two Undernet #*nix channels for doing that today!;)
While your intentions are honorable, your method needs a bit of work. I would suggest crapflooding with a particularly long article. I've attatched one below. Read it over and see what you think.
THE ULTIMATE GIF VIEWING ACCESSORY!
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on
some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial
vagina "out of common household products."
Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.)
I was intrigued.
The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a
mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the
balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap
the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the
balloon down the length of the tube.
He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down
and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the
advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up
your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another
time, maybe.
But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable
facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description
made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to
download his file (called IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look
as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think
it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the
PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels
just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy.
You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials & Ingredients
3- Construction
4- How to Use
5- Hints & Techniques
6- Troubleshooting
7- Why I Created PseudoCunt
REGISTRATION:
Ha, ha. Get it? It's software. Real soft. If you figure
out who I am, send me some money. PseudoCunt is not
shareware, by the way. It's recommended for use alone.
MATERIALS & INGREDIENTS:
* Cylindrical container (see below)
* Large pot (3-4 quart capacity)
* Butter or margarine (2-3 tablespoons)
* Vegetable oil (just a drop or two)
* Saran Wrap or equivalent
* Spaghetti or fettucini (lots; two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video,
gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The
best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about
11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice
would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a
mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in
diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work,
with clever modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to
full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of
salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes).
Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most
satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of
vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just
enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and
stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about
1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in
a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the
microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1.
Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in.
This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements
to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole
down the center with something long and moderately thin (I
use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue
packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack
tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and
pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little
hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or
margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an
aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a
few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down
into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close
your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY
like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the
mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or
beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your
full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly
over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the
rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the
obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a
knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each
other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a
12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or
newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your
PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get
carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this
possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two
cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the
other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly
at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your
dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make
sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature.
You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should
be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person.
Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the
jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm,
cuntlike temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a
time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and
undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a
fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles
'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if
you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and
finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at
least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide
enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion
of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the
hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo
jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where
the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when
you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice.
Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating
effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils
actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on
your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely
perfect effect is achieved by adding just a *tiny* amount of
butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before
first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural
lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic
vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines
on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly
fascinating GIF, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the
remote is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is
that it leaves both hands free to work the VCR remote or
languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt
sucking wetly at your dick with each slight movement of your
hips. With careful preparation it's a damned comfortable
position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please,
indulging as many fantasies as your self-control will allow.
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first
penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to
the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly,
and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a
just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a
little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and
incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged.
I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm
just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge
to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep
down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect.
Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a
few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put
on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape
I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the
bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider
trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting
grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are
recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former
girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping
and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may
seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get
hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties
and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your
dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most
likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to
proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get
impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a
snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very
unpleasant surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and
simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly,
make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and
place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom
of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a
microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not
recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated
use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too
squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick
alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could
maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked
and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated
entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep
the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large.
Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-
banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to
clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this
could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by
immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the
spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later,
then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish
the job.
I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is
tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a
towel over the leading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd
rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless
mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your
sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not
recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a
normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should
explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation
techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy
remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk.
One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a
vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain
amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the
risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best
orgasms I've ever had.
Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical
or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help
wondering if the world might not be a better place if more
people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual
fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and
understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean?
If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it
enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine.
If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it
for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting,
why did you read this far?
What other rides has Disney changed? Somethingawful.com reveals all!
1938 - James Pretsche's Fun Times Acre - The park opened in 1880 and closed in 1938 due to pressure from liberal lawmakers, who felt a number of the attractions were racist beyond belief. The list of offending rides included The Negro Oddity Pavilion, The Slant-Eyed Monkey Rocket, and the Porch Ape Whirlwind.
1941 - Disneyland - In 1941 Disney closed its doors on the wildly popular "Hitlarium", caving into the demands of anti-nazi protestors. It was briefly renamed the "Germanarium" but this wasn't fooling anyone and by 1943 the building had been torn down.
The Atomic Fun Pusher is still alive and kicking thanks to StateOg!
1950 - Cedar Point - This popular Ohio theme park was the first to shut down a ride because of prolonged health risk. In 1947 it debuted "The Atomic Fun Pusher", a ride in which a large beam composed of concentrated gamma radiation would push children across a greased floor. Children frequently complained of headaches and shortness of breath and in 1949 a six year old girl suffered from total organ liquefaction. The ride was closed for repairs but when it set five people's faces on fire the very next day it was pronounced unsafe and shut down for good. The device used to "push fun" is actually still in operation in a State Og cosmetics testing facility in Nevada.
1964 - Disneyland - Due to impending legal action Disney closed the wildly popular "Rape Mountain" ride.
1968 - Six Flags - Public hangings were discontinued.
1975 - King's Island - Finally succumbing to the throngs of Jewish protestors outside the entrance, King's Island revamped their "Story of Christ" animatronic adventure. The main point of contention was the final diorama which featured Christ being cannibalized by a trio of Rabbis. Later that year the questionable inclusion of an erect penis on Jesus during the crucifixion was replaced with a more appropriately flaccid member.
1981 - Disneyland - "Detective Frank Spiconi's Lung Cave" was shut down in October after the giant cigarette smoking robot of Spiconi was linked to lung cancer in over 50,000 visitors to the theme park.
1984 - Dollywood - On opening day both the Scorpion Slide and the Cobra Handler's Pit caused multiple fatalities. Surprisingly both attractions continued to operate without interruption for nearly six months, until a raid by federal agents shuts them down for good.
1989 - Disneyworld - A catastrophic meltdown in fission pylon three irradiated a square kilometer of the Epcot Center. FEMA teams moved in, encasing several hundred survivors and the twisted remains of the reactor in ten meter thick concrete.
1993 - Cedar Point - Always quick to bend to the will of the public, Cedar Point became the first amusement park to change the theme of its parade. In March the theme was changed from "Parade of War Atrocities" to "Parade of Giggling Anthropomorphic Animals".
1995 - Dollywood - Good old Pigeon Forge finally gave up on "The Haunted Wet Back Barrio" and the equally offensive "Chief Wampum's Blanket Sale". To this day they still refuse to shut down "Cornpone Coonie's Jazz Music Museum", which features a single photograph of a white man in black face playing a trumpet with the caption "Jazz ain't music ya'll!"
2000 - Disneyland - Not an actual ride closing, but Disney discontinued "Cap'n McShiv's Torso Piercing Hut" as an agreement with the courts in a class action law suit.
Slashdot Mirror
Yeah it is. I have yet to be modded down too, which is nice.
BTW, is that album by Gorillaz any good? I like the single Clint Eastwood. Is it worth buying?
Damn. Well Taco is still a fag who can't write code.
Yes, it is my Christian name. I'm the offspring of Heidi Wall and Signal 11.
Hey baby, you haven't had it until you've had it from Egg Troll. When you gonna be in SF? Awww yeah! I'm the whole $240 worth of pudding baby!
Excuse me, while I kiss the sky!
No problem. BTW, if you ever find some uncensored Hentai, let me know.
Ahhh yes. The classic relationship dilema. While I'm not Ask a Dick I can give you some advice. First off, how's the sex? This is really the only thing that matters. If the sex is good, I suggest doggy style with the keyboard rested across her hips. This way she's getting attention *AND* you can troll Slashdot!
...with some Stileproject Japscat! :)
Does this look to anyone else like Ur U Gay?
Well I couldn't get on because of some weird firewall shit at work that won't let me onto EFnet. Anyways, if you get bored come to Undernet and look for "cheshrcat".
Slow Down Cowboy!
Slashdot requires you to wait 2 minutes between each successful posting of a comment to allow everyone a fair chance at posting a comment.
It's been 1 minute since you last successfully posted a comment
If you this error seems to be incorrect, please provide the following in your report to Source Forge:
Browser type
User ID/Nickname or AC
What steps caused this error
Whether or not you know your ISP to be using a proxy or some sort of service that gives you an IP that others are using simultaneously.
How many posts to this form you successfully submitted during the day
* Please choose 'formkeys' for the category!
Thank you.
...with a handful of rocks!
I haven't been on EFNet in ages. I'm bored so perhaps I'll go there now. #mindspring, you say?
Your political party is crazier than a shithouse rat. Please fuck off and die now. You're consuming resources needed by people without their heads up their ass.
Thank you.
Yeah getting klined is pretty lame, but on the other hand I have access to thirty PCs at work and twice that many shell accounts, so its pretty easy for me to survive. I'll try #mindspring someday.
You know, I've found that trolling the stories isn't nearly as much fun as reading some lame jounal entries and posting flames to them. You should give it a whirl sometime.
;)
Oh, sorry about Slashcode fucking up your sig. If it would make you feel better, go to #slashdot on irc.slashnet.org and claim that BSD ripped off their TCP/IP stack from DOS. I've been banned from two Undernet #*nix channels for doing that today!
http://www.guntruths.com/Resource/Posters/what_par t_of_europe_are_you_from.htm
Ahhhh! True, true! I hadn't noticed that before. Congrats on your creativity. I salute you!
THE ULTIMATE GIF VIEWING ACCESSORY!
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on
some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial
vagina "out of common household products."
Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.)
I was intrigued.
The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a
mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the
balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap
the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the
balloon down the length of the tube.
He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down
and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the
advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up
your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another
time, maybe.
But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable
facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description
made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to
download his file (called IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look
as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think
it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the
PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels
just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy.
You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials & Ingredients
3- Construction
4- How to Use
5- Hints & Techniques
6- Troubleshooting
7- Why I Created PseudoCunt
REGISTRATION:
Ha, ha. Get it? It's software. Real soft. If you figure
out who I am, send me some money. PseudoCunt is not
shareware, by the way. It's recommended for use alone.
MATERIALS & INGREDIENTS:
* Cylindrical container (see below)
* Large pot (3-4 quart capacity)
* Butter or margarine (2-3 tablespoons)
* Vegetable oil (just a drop or two)
* Saran Wrap or equivalent
* Spaghetti or fettucini (lots; two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video,
gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The
best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about
11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice
would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a
mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in
diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work,
with clever modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to
full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of
salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes).
Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most
satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of
vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just
enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and
stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about
1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in
a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the
microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1.
Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in.
This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements
to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole
down the center with something long and moderately thin (I
use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue
packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack
tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and
pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little
hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or
margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an
aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a
few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down
into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close
your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY
like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the
mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or
beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your
full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly
over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the
rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the
obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a
knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each
other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a
12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or
newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your
PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get
carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this
possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two
cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the
other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly
at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your
dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make
sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature.
You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should
be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person.
Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the
jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm,
cuntlike temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a
time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and
undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a
fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles
'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if
you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and
finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at
least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide
enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion
of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the
hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo
jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where
the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when
you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice.
Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating
effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils
actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on
your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely
perfect effect is achieved by adding just a *tiny* amount of
butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before
first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural
lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic
vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines
on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly
fascinating GIF, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the
remote is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is
that it leaves both hands free to work the VCR remote or
languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt
sucking wetly at your dick with each slight movement of your
hips. With careful preparation it's a damned comfortable
position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please,
indulging as many fantasies as your self-control will allow.
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first
penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to
the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly,
and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a
just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a
little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and
incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged.
I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm
just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge
to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep
down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect.
Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a
few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put
on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape
I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the
bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider
trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting
grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are
recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former
girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping
and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may
seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get
hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties
and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your
dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most
likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to
proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get
impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a
snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very
unpleasant surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and
simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly,
make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and
place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom
of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a
microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not
recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated
use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too
squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick
alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could
maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked
and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated
entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep
the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large.
Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-
banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to
clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this
could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by
immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the
spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later,
then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish
the job.
I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is
tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a
towel over the leading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd
rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless
mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your
sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not
recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a
normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should
explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation
techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy
remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk.
One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a
vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain
amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the
risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best
orgasms I've ever had.
Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical
or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help
wondering if the world might not be a better place if more
people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual
fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and
understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean?
If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it
enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine.
If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it
for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting,
why did you read this far?
Good lord, are you still around? I thought you fucked off long ago. Please do so now.
I honestly can't tell if this is a troll or not. If it is, I salute you! If its not, I salute you for being so fucked up! Either way, bravo!
Testify brother troll, testify!
Oh yeah! Now this is what I'm looking for. A little bestiality makes my day. Any chance you can find one with some bondage thrown into it? Mmmm.....
Bwahahahaha! That's quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen on Slashdot!
Nope, still no dog fucking. Work on it some more and come back when you've gotten it done.
I thought the dog was going to fuck you. Now that it didn't, I'm just awfully disappointed :~~(
What other rides has Disney changed? Somethingawful.com reveals all!
1938 - James Pretsche's Fun Times Acre - The park opened in 1880 and closed in 1938 due to pressure from liberal lawmakers, who felt a number of the attractions were racist beyond belief. The list of offending rides included The Negro Oddity Pavilion, The Slant-Eyed Monkey Rocket, and the Porch Ape Whirlwind.
1941 - Disneyland - In 1941 Disney closed its doors on the wildly popular "Hitlarium", caving into the demands of anti-nazi protestors. It was briefly renamed the "Germanarium" but this wasn't fooling anyone and by 1943 the building had been torn down.
The Atomic Fun Pusher is still alive and kicking thanks to StateOg!
1950 - Cedar Point - This popular Ohio theme park was the first to shut down a ride because of prolonged health risk. In 1947 it debuted "The Atomic Fun Pusher", a ride in which a large beam composed of concentrated gamma radiation would push children across a greased floor. Children frequently complained of headaches and shortness of breath and in 1949 a six year old girl suffered from total organ liquefaction. The ride was closed for repairs but when it set five people's faces on fire the very next day it was pronounced unsafe and shut down for good. The device used to "push fun" is actually still in operation in a State Og cosmetics testing facility in Nevada.
1964 - Disneyland - Due to impending legal action Disney closed the wildly popular "Rape Mountain" ride.
1968 - Six Flags - Public hangings were discontinued.
1975 - King's Island - Finally succumbing to the throngs of Jewish protestors outside the entrance, King's Island revamped their "Story of Christ" animatronic adventure. The main point of contention was the final diorama which featured Christ being cannibalized by a trio of Rabbis. Later that year the questionable inclusion of an erect penis on Jesus during the crucifixion was replaced with a more appropriately flaccid member.
1981 - Disneyland - "Detective Frank Spiconi's Lung Cave" was shut down in October after the giant cigarette smoking robot of Spiconi was linked to lung cancer in over 50,000 visitors to the theme park.
1984 - Dollywood - On opening day both the Scorpion Slide and the Cobra Handler's Pit caused multiple fatalities. Surprisingly both attractions continued to operate without interruption for nearly six months, until a raid by federal agents shuts them down for good.
1989 - Disneyworld - A catastrophic meltdown in fission pylon three irradiated a square kilometer of the Epcot Center. FEMA teams moved in, encasing several hundred survivors and the twisted remains of the reactor in ten meter thick concrete.
1993 - Cedar Point - Always quick to bend to the will of the public, Cedar Point became the first amusement park to change the theme of its parade. In March the theme was changed from "Parade of War Atrocities" to "Parade of Giggling Anthropomorphic Animals".
1995 - Dollywood - Good old Pigeon Forge finally gave up on "The Haunted Wet Back Barrio" and the equally offensive "Chief Wampum's Blanket Sale". To this day they still refuse to shut down "Cornpone Coonie's Jazz Music Museum", which features a single photograph of a white man in black face playing a trumpet with the caption "Jazz ain't music ya'll!"
2000 - Disneyland - Not an actual ride closing, but Disney discontinued "Cap'n McShiv's Torso Piercing Hut" as an agreement with the courts in a class action law suit.