Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is good for only so many beats & that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it's just the opposite. It's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat & eat more fruits & vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay & corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass - green leafy vegetables! And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Are beer & wine bad for me?
A: Look, this goes to the earlier point about fruits & vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral & vegetable. We all know that beer & wine are not animal, & they're not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger & a beer & enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, & you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; however, if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program (you pervert!)
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sorry... can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain - No Pain. And remember, if you want to stay in shape, round IS a shape.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had regarding food & exercise. Now go be good to yourself. Be healthy & happy. Have a steak, drink some booze, then take a nap.
Slashdot Mirror
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is good for only so many beats & that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it's just the opposite. It's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat & eat more fruits & vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay & corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass - green leafy vegetables! And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Are beer & wine bad for me? A: Look, this goes to the earlier point about fruits & vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral & vegetable. We all know that beer & wine are not animal, & they're not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger & a beer & enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, & you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; however, if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program (you pervert!) Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Sorry ... can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain - No Pain. And remember, if you want to stay in shape, round IS a shape.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had regarding food & exercise. Now go be good to yourself. Be healthy & happy. Have a steak, drink some booze, then take a nap.