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I met Psychiatrist Anita Hirsch at Mission Oaks Behavioral Health Unit
in July 1985.
I required no more than ten minutes to understand in quite a deep and
detailed way that she was floridly delusional.
It is well-known that the worst kinds of alcoholics never stop
drinking until they hit bottom. That's true of all of the worst kinds
of mental illnesses.
Last night I required no more that a twenty minute chat to completely
convince a Los Gatos police officer to put Dr. Hirsch under a suicide
watch. One more our and he and I were able to convince a half dozen
of his colleagues to join him.
I want Doctor Hirsch admitted involuntarily to a psychiatric hospital
you see. I don't want to murder her.
All I will require is a hardcopy of the following webpage and a brief
cover letter to have Dr. Hirsch' license to practice medicine
completely revoked within one week. It will only take as long as that
because the California Medical Board of course has the sense to fully
investigate claims such as mine:
      What I Learned at the California Institute of Technology
      http://www.softwareproblem.org/hallucinogenic-drugs.html
Perhaps you'll begin to understand why I worked so hard to make Doctor
Hirsch hit bottom so very hard because the first half of that entire
essay is about her special Mission of Healing devote to yours truly,
during which Doctor Hirsch committed the following felonies:
- Four Counts Attempted Murder
- One Count Child Endangerment
- Multiple Counts Criminally Negligent Medical Malpractice
And everyone at K5 thought I got so pissed of at her because she told
me something I didn't want to hear.
Your Servant,
Jonathan Swift

Jonathan Swift
swift@softwareproblem.org

April 14, 2010

While I was correct when I knew that you would all piss yourselves laughing when I finally told you what The Secret was, I was not only quite mistaken as to The Secret's true nature, but denying the very existence of The Secret in the most batshit psychotic way.

I won't tell you quite yet what The Secret I was really referring to was, but when I finally do you will agree that I made the right decision to post it at PRQ AB.

But when you read the rest of this essay, not only will you have found that not only have I asked Rusty to close my K5 account in a way that puts Mindpixel's route out the building completely to shame, you will struggle desperately to get all those Scandinavian folks to award me the Nobel Prize in Suicide before I no longer have the ability to appreciate the fact that I had finally won the Nobel Prize I always wanted.

You will regard my delusion that I am The Second Coming of Christ as no delusion when I go on to explain how I will explain in a transparently simply and obvious way why all blonde people will point out to you that they will award me both the Peace and Medicine prizes instead.

The Navajo Code Talkers were cryptologists during World War II who were able to conceal allied communications from the Nazis just by chatting over radios in the Navajo language.

The language I refer to as The Language of the Gods might be more lucidly described as Speaking in Code.

Psychotics speak in code in a way that makes no sense to anyone. Every Psychotic's encoded speech leads every Sane person to regard every Psychotic as delusional.

The Sane speak in code in a way that makes no sense to Psychotic people. The encoded speech of the sane leads every Psychotic to regard every Sane person as delusional.

It is for this reason that Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski devoted two decades or so to eluding capture by law enforcement while sending letter bombs with which he murdered several University professors and grievously crippled several others. Each such bomb was accompanied by a detailed explanation of just why he sent each such bomb to that specific University professor. The most famous such detailed explanation is now known as The Unabomber Manifesto.

All Ted hoped to achieve was to point out the errors of their ways to the Academic Community: he regarded Modern Technology as a threat to the natural environment. By murdering University professors, he hoped to bring about the salvation of the natural environment by restoring Sanity to those who Theodore Kaczynski knew were the most floridly delusional kinds of people.

Neurotics speak in code in a way that no one notices.

Psychotherapists understand both kinds of code.

Psychotherapists can speak code to psychotics in a way that they make complete sense to each other.

Psychotherapists can hear what neurotics are really talking about, then say what the neurotics have been in incredible pain since the earliest days of their childhood because their parents are so viciously and sadistically cruel that they refuse to say it to them.

Child psychologist Alice Miller's short, simple, lucidly written book Drama of the Gifted Child explains that psychotherapists learn to speak in code because their parent's great suffering enables them to start teaching their children that code from the earliest days of their infancy.

Just mentioning Drama of the Gifted Child to my psychotherapist Dr. I. led her to become overwhelmed with grief.

This also leads to the bizarre phenomenon that psychotherapists often take their lives in the most spectacular ways, and that sometimes they murder their own clients during a therapy session before they a final, fatal end to their own fifty-minute hour.

This is a work in progress, but I regard what I have written so far as being worthy of publication all on its own. -- Jon

Jonathan Swift
swift@softwareproblem.org

April 14, 2010

While I was correct when I knew that you would all piss yourselves laughing when I finally told you what The Secret was, I was not only quite mistaken as to The Secret's true nature, but denying the very existence of The Secret in the most batshit psychotic way.

I won't tell you quite yet what The Secret I was really referring to was, but when I finally do you will agree that I made the right decision to post it at PRQ AB.

But when you read the rest of this essay, not only will you have found that not only have I asked Rusty to close my K5 account in a way that puts Mindpixel's route out the building completely to shame, you will struggle desperately to get all those Scandinavian folks to award me the Nobel Prize in Suicide before I no longer have the ability to appreciate the fact that I had finally won the Nobel Prize I always wanted.

You will regard my delusion that I am The Second Coming of Christ as no delusion when I go on to explain how I will explain in a transparently simply and obvious way why all blonde people will point out to you that they will award me both the Peace and Medicine prizes instead.

The Navajo Code Talkers were cryptologists during World War II who were able to conceal allied communications from the Nazis just by chatting over radios in the Navajo language.

The language I refer to as The Language of the Gods might be more lucidly described as Speaking in Code.

Psychotics speak in code in a way that makes no sense to anyone. Every Psychotic's encoded speech leads every Sane person to regard every Psychotic as delusional.

The Sane speak in code in a way that makes no sense to Psychotic people. The encoded speech of the sane leads every Psychotic to regard every Sane person as delusional.

It is for this reason that Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski devoted two decades or so to eluding capture by law enforcement while sending letter bombs with which he murdered several University professors and grievously crippled several others. Each such bomb was accompanied by a detailed explanation of just why he sent each such bomb to that specific University professor. The most famous such detailed explanation is now known as The Unabomber Manifesto.

All Ted hoped to achieve was to point out the errors of their ways to the Academic Community: he regarded Modern Technology as a threat to the natural environment. By murdering University professors, he hoped to bring about the salvation of the natural environment by restoring Sanity to those who Theodore Kaczynski knew were the most floridly delusional kinds of people.

Neurotics speak in code in a way that no one notices.

Psychotherapists understand both kinds of code.

Psychotherapists can speak code to psychotics in a way that they make complete sense to each other.

Psychotherapists can hear what neurotics are really talking about, then say what the neurotics have been in incredible pain since the earliest days of their childhood because their parents are so viciously and sadistically cruel that they refuse to say it to them.

Child psychologist Alice Miller's short, simple, lucidly written book Drama of the Gifted Child explains that psychotherapists learn to speak in code because their parent's great suffering enables them to start teaching their children that code from the earliest days of their infancy.

Just mentioning Drama of the Gifted Child to my psychotherapist Dr. I. led her to become overwhelmed with grief.

This also leads to the bizarre phenomenon that psychotherapists often take their liv

it's just text posted from http://www.softwareproblem.org/solution/catch-me-if-you-can.html

No doubt you all know that my piece just blew a smoking crater into the voting queue because I was so floridly delusional when I wrote it.

My question is: while I was not angry with you, but merely irritated enough to point out the error of your ways to you, not only was I not delusional I was as sober as the Pope and as clear-headed as a fighter pilot the whole time I worked on it.

I took great care to write it just the way I did, that I myself regard it as the very best piece I have written in my life, while that other lucidly written and informative piece I dropped into Edit a few hours later, merely helpful and informative but not in any way important.

I'd like to take up the question of how, after making just two small edits, I might resubmit only to have you blast it to Front Page.

My psychiatrist Dr. Hugh Maquire of Truro, Nova Scotia once speculated that Schizophrenia could be cured through nothing more than weekly Psychotherapy.

I now know him to be correct. Solving the Software Problem is the textbook, with HOWTO Move a Dungeon Master to Furious Anger being the first really lucidly written chapter of that textbook.

The drugs that treat Schizophrenia can cause horrible side effects. I have experienced many of those same side effects over the years.

Tardive Dyskenesia can put you in a wheelchair. Risperdal gave me a mild but very obvious case. I continue to take it anyway, while my Psychiatrist took up watching me like a hawk as he carefully adjusted my dose up and down so I never had to take more than I absolutely required.

The case of Dystonia I got a little over a year ago leads me to bend my right foot to the right. I can relax it, but only when I apply continuous mental effort to doing so.

Eventually I asked Dr. G. if he could look into how I might avoid breaking my own ankle. He continued to prescribe Zyprexa, but also Cogentin. No more explanation required. Cogentin is just a bit more effective, but the over the counter antihistamine Benadryl works nearly as well should I run out in the middle of the night.

The whole time I was in Nova Scotia, I visited the Emergency Room on a regular basis because a phenomenon known as Brain Plasticity had made the Risperdal which was once very effective for me, almost completely usefuless.

I was floridly delusional when I was admitted to Dominical in Soquel in April 1994. All I required to be discharged four days later was two milligrams of Zyprexa.

In December 2003, I knew that I was but days away from making Bonita a widow: three, maybe four more days and The Thought Police wouldn't arrest me, but I would finally grow weary of my life on the run and turn myself in.

I turned up at the Emergency Room at the advice of the Mental Health Center receptionist. I asked the Good Doctor there if he could look into the question of how I might avoid slaying one of Truro's finest with his own service pistol.

"Glad you asked," he smiled. "But it's after hours. You're going to need to wait a while."

I smiled. "I know all about Emergency Rooms. I didn't set foot in this place until I figured out which book to bring with me."

How to Want What You Have by Cognitive Psychotherapist Timothy Miller. It's not in print anymore but not at all hard to find used. Don't let the Sun set until you've ordered your copy from Alibris.

Eventually an incredibly hot young blonde Russian Psychiatry resident from the teaching hospital in Halifax turned up. She wore a tiny red cocktail dress and black fishnet stockings.

The instant she introduced herself with a thick Slavic accent as Marina Sokolenko, I charmed the socks right off her... well, black fishnet stockings anyway... by speaking just a few words of completely unaccented Russian.

Had I ever done well at my Russian studies at Tech, Bonita wo

I ask you to puzzle over the following questions:

No doubt you all know that my piece just blew a smoking crater into the voting queue because I was so floridly delusional when I wrote it.

My question is: while I was not angry with you, but merely irritated enough to point out the error of your ways to you, not only was I not delusional I was as sober as the Pope and as clear-headed as a fighter pilot the whole time I worked on it.

I took great care to write it just the way I did, that I myself regard it as the very best piece I have written in my life, while that other lucidly written and informative piece I dropped into Edit a few hours later, merely helpful and informative but not in any way important.

I'd like to take up the question of how, after making just two small edits, I might resubmit only to have you blast it to Front Page.

My psychiatrist Dr. Hugh Maquire of Truro, Nova Scotia once speculated that Schizophrenia could be cured through nothing more than weekly Psychotherapy.

I now know him to be correct. Solving the Software Problem is the textbook, with HOWTO Move a Dungeon Master to Furious Anger being the first really lucidly written chapter of that textbook.

The drugs that treat Schizophrenia can cause horrible side effects. I have experienced many of those same side effects over the years.

Tardive Dyskenesia can put you in a wheelchair. Risperdal gave me a mild but very obvious case. I continue to take it anyway, while my Psychiatrist took up watching me like a hawk as he carefully adjusted my dose up and down so I never had to take more than I absolutely required.

The case of Dystonia I got a little over a year ago leads me to bend my right foot to the right. I can relax it, but only when I apply continuous mental effort to doing so.

Eventually I asked Dr. G. if he could look into how I might avoid breaking my own ankle. He continued to prescribe Zyprexa, but also Cogentin. No more explanation required. Cogentin is just a bit more effective, but the over the counter antihistamine Benadryl works nearly as well should I run out in the middle of the night.

The whole time I was in Nova Scotia, I visited the Emergency Room on a regular basis because a phenomenon known as Brain Plasticity had made the Risperdal which was once very effective for me, almost completely usefuless.

I was floridly delusional when I was admitted to Dominical in Soquel in April 1994. All I required to be discharged four days later was two milligrams of Zyprexa.

In December 2003, I knew that I was but days away from making Bonita a widow: three, maybe four more days and The Thought Police wouldn't arrest me, but I would finally grow weary of my life on the run and turn myself in.

I turned up at the Emergency Room at the advice of the Mental Health Center receptionist. I asked the Good Doctor there if he could look into the question of how I might avoid slaying one of Truro's finest with his own service pistol.

"Glad you asked," he smiled. "But it's after hours. You're going to need to wait a while."

I smiled. "I know all about Emergency Rooms. I didn't set foot in this place until I figured out which book to bring with me."

How to Want What You Have by Cognitive Psychotherapist Timothy Miller. It's not in print anymore but not at all hard to find used. Don't let the Sun set until you've ordered your copy from Alibris.

Eventually an incredibly hot young blonde Russian Psychiatry resident from the teaching hospital in Halifax turned up. She wore a tiny red cocktail dress and black fishnet stockings.

The instant she introduced herself with a thick Slavic accent as Marina Sokolenko, I charmed the socks right off her... well, black fishnet stockings anyway... by speaking just a few words of completely unaccented Russian.

Had I ever done well at my Russian studies at Tech,

Don't worry, Michael Crawford (aka Super Debugger aka Jonathan Swift aka Jesus h-Bar Christ aka hotcoder@gmail.com) will solve the software problem. Solve it? Yes. He's one of the best (if not the greatest) debuggers ever. He can find most bugs by merely reading the source code.

Software failure is not a technical problem but a human problem. Michael Crawford realized this and has developed the Crawfordian Psychoanalysis Manifesto which will end the software problem once and for all. He will fix not just bugs in code but bugs in the mind

I am absolutely serious.