Slashdot Mirror
New Borland/Inprise Linux Developer Survey
We've mentioned the Borland/Inprise Linux Developers Surveys before. Kinda like the The Linux Counter, it's a way for the needs of the community to be codified and show the corporate folks that we really do count - in numbers and in skills. So, check out the latest survey and we'll probably post the results in a few weeks.
Update: 02/15 01:46 by michael : Readers will notice that one of your fellow readers is abusing the system. Take my word for it that CmdrTaco is well aware of the situation and is preparing to Take Steps. It is frankly a shame that Slashdot's loose authentication system which is designed to allow people to participate without providing your name, SSN and mother's maiden name like so many other forums is also subject to abuse. Fixes are at hand in the very near future, so don't e-mail, don't call, don't post complaining that Slashdot is going to the dogs -- we're on it. Well, I'm not on it, but you know what I mean. :)
I hope it's as funny as that other survey they had a while back.
Why do we need to go to them to show that we exist? Aren't they dependant on us enough as it is? Seriously now, it makes me sick.
Why do they care now? I'm sure corel will push them as hard as they can to crush microsoft.
[ c h a d o k e r e ]
ReadThe ReflectionEngine, a cyberpunk style n
--
" It's a ligne Maginot-in-the-sky "
Corel just bought Inprise/Borland, and according to the recent interview with Slashdot Corel really seems to be going all-out for Linux.
I think Corel is really committed to Linux and this isn't just a publicity thing. They really hate MS over there, as would anyone who has tried to compete with MS on a core product. They might be pretty clueless when it comes to the GPL, but give them a chance.
If they become a good member of the Linux community think of what they have to offer. Graphics knowledge from Corel PhotoPaint and Corel Draw. A very good word processing program (I maintain anything with "reveal codes" has to be superior to Word). Good IDEs from Inprise/Borland. They even have some really good hardware knowledge. Remember they're the ones originally behind the Netwinder
I know this is somewhat offtopic, but as an Ottawa resident I'm just hoping that a local company can inspire a little fear in Microsoft and hope we can help them do it instead of just flaming them for their errors.
... I really look forward to the day that Delphi, or C++ Builder, is available for software development on Linux.
And I hope that surveys like this are done honestly by the Linux community - Inprise/Borland have always been a great company for developers, and it can only make sense for them to be involved in the Linux movement.
It seems to me, that with Inprise/Borland on its turf, Linux would be an ideal software development platform. Better than the existing options, anyway.
; -- the corruption of government starts with its secrets. a truly free people keep no secrets. --
criticom???
Be sure to go to their form and in the comments add how BSD is YOUR choice of OS!
And, point out how a BSD-esque licence is a choice.
The last time they asked about Linux, they didn't have checkoffs for BSD. This time they did.
If it was said on slashdot, it MUST be true!
It is 9:34 PM EST. There are about 140 comments on this message. Fully 90 percent of them are very, very lame spam, not even trolls.
When it's in moderation, they're amusing, or at least tolerable. This is just ridiculous though. The slashdot people should think about doing something about this and PRONTO. I like slashdot and I don't like the thought of having to go elsewhere.
Where has all the intelligent life gone?
If you can't figure out how to mail me, don't.
For linux tips: http://www.linuxtipsblog.com
i can't believe you still play console games. what in the world can a dreamcast do that a pc can't? slashdot people scare me
Trollin' for Yu Suzuki
-=United Coalition of Trolls for the Abolition of Moderation=-
Do everyone a favor. if you plan to spam, aim it at the main article and not at this post. If you actually have something to say, reply to this message and change the Subject to whatever you want.
-- Life is like a line of waiting taxi cabs pulled up to the curb in front of a fancy hotel. You never know which raving lunatic is going to get you to your destination - or for that matter, whether you'll get your destination at all." (www.myboot.com)--
I just need my fun for once.
/. opinion"?
The Troll Anti-Defamation League would like to inform you that this is not the way to get it.
My normal account has a karma of around 120, just so you know.
What, am I supposed to give you a prize? Does this really mean anything other than "I post early, I post often, and I parrot the mainstream
If you still don't get it, read this for an explanation.
... This just coming across the news wires.
"Today, an unknown number of cypervandalists have desicrated the venerable Slashdot web site with thousands of posts not related to Borland's survey. Experts have been noted as saying, 'These are the same sort of attacks we have seen used in previous cases, from the RIAA and MPAA, to Denial of Service attacks against E-Trade/eBay/Buy.com, to the break in of computers at the White House by an unknown individual to boost the porn industry.'
Despite being sent an estimated quizillion number of bogus posts, Slashdot for some unknown reason has not crashed. We here at (insert news agency/network) believe this site is run by aliens with far superior technology to anything we have from Redmond, Washington. More to come as we think of it. For (insert name again), this is Fox McCloud."
1083 now :)
This is insane. Well Trolls have finally got my attention. Now what do we all do about it?
allow one IP to post only so many comments in a 2 minute period??????
Gee, it's possible that the most hated troll with the least karma on slashdot might be.... President Clinton. :)
I guess that says something about the Slashdot community...
---
pb Reply or e-mail; don't vaguely moderate.
pb Reply or e-mail; don't vaguely moderate.
MOST TROLLED STORY!
Most spammed story. Don't glorify yourselves. These aren't trolls.
Also, you aren't even the one who came up with the shell scripts. However, I suppose now that they're posted, you and all of your script kiddie friends will be using them.
Read this if you still don't get it.
It's nice to have a survey which might be useful for someone every now and then. It's been a long time since the last one. Usually the questions / alternatives are at least nonsence, if not total garbage.
This time all the questions were "answerable". There were only a small number of questions which didn't have enough choices (like the KDE / GNOME - hey, I don't use either one of them!). Anyway, the general feeling of this questionnaire was rather nice, and I'm glad if my answers can help Borland. Nice job, and it becomes nicer if they really can use the stats gathered.
--
It has to work - rfc1925
...unless this hole is closed and closed quickly.
= -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
For the past few days, the amount of moderation done has been practically non-existant. It's not just a case of moderation posts being wasted on trolls...I haven't seen very much positive moderation either.
CmdrTaco, if you have any desire to save Slashdot, here is what you MUST do:
1) People should get a rating based on the TIME they have been a Slashdot, not just this "karma". New members posts start at -1, no exceptions. After three months, they start at 0. After three more months, they start at 1. This means that if a troll wants to troll, he'll have to put in his dues for six months. If he then wants to blow it all on a single, grand, troll parade...fine. He can start all over.
2) Karma needs to weigh much, much more. People with karma over 50 should start posting at 2. People with karma over 100 should start posting at 3. People with karma over 200 should start posting at 4 and people with karma over 500 (if they exist) must be worth reading.
3) Each post takes exponentially longer to be posted to the system. First post takes one second to reach the forum. The next takes two seconds. The following takes four. Then eight, sixteen and so forth. In the end, if someone really wants to post more than 20 messages in a single day, they'll have to wait until tomorror for people to see them. That way these floods STOP.
4) More moderation. I'd much rather see a war of moderation than a war of trolls. Give anyone with karma over 100 permanent moderation status. The only way it gets revoked is if them make a posting, and then it is revoked for twenty-four hours (thought on that article permanently).
The fact is that there aren't enough moderators to keep the trolls in -1 land and put READABLE (I don't care if they suck at this point...so long as they aren't trolls) post at 3 or higher. 90% of the posts in the past few days have been 0 and maybe another 5% are the 1's and 2's that regular folks are awarded.
It has to stop.
- JoeShmoe
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-- I wonder which will go down in history as the bigger failure: the War on Drugs or the War on Filesharing
Well, I saw it coming. I wrote an auto-first-posting script a while back, actually, but I never used it because of the extra load on Slashdot. (it's slow enough as it is, and the problem doesn't seem to be the bandwidth. I can ping it just fine, so...)
---
pb Reply or e-mail; don't vaguely moderate.
pb Reply or e-mail; don't vaguely moderate.
add features
.exe, or even worse an .ocx...
/. trolls posting here, without their knowledge. Forget just banning IP's at that point. We now have a Distributed Troll DDoS attack.
Like have it parse the front page for new ?sid= values to post to.
Have it randomly generate new user id's to post under after several posts.
port it to languages like perl
Even more devious? A Win32
Get it in circulation via outlook express or some MS browser bug, one of the multitude of holes that allows WinX machines to execute arbitrary code behind the users' back.
Get it into wide circulation and have a million
What I just described made me shudder. Rob and gang, PLEASE tighten up posting - PLEASE!
Can't sleep, clown will eat me.
Must fill out linux survey to stay awake.
Physical threats on a web forum like Slashdot? BWAHAHAAA! This has got to be the single saddest thing I have ever seen on this site.
Cmon geek boy, who you kiddin? You'd get stuffed in a garbage can, just like high school.
dark alley...hehe, geeks are so cute when they're angry.
Actually, despite sucking for many, many years, Microsoft seems to have got their act together, and the latest version of Word is actually pretty good. That's not to say it's perfect, but overall I prefer it to WordPerfect. Much of that, though, is simply due to the interface. Easy access to styles makes for a less stressful word processing experience.
Where WordPerfect really comes into its own (apart from the fact that I can run it under Linux :-) is foreign language support. I *can't* do my family tree in Word because it won't let me insert Polish accented characters. WordPerfect under Linux does let me do so. Whether that's an issue with Windows or Word, I don't know, but to a certain extent I don't care. WP lets me do it, so that's what I use.
"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike." -- Delos B. McKown
It will probably ship in the third quarter of this year - or maybe the fourth (that's from the newsgroups)
The command line C++/Object Pascal compiler is working now.
It will use Qt as a toolkit (not my choice, but at least it's not Motif!) (That's from an interview at www.linuxjournal.com here with Dale Fuller - Borland CEO - done just after the merger)
It seems likely that the compilers will be a free download (and maybe even open source) - and perhaps even a free "Entry Level" version of Kylix will be available.
They aren't sure about the licencing for the VCL yet.
Btw, the Interbase open source project is still going along nicely. A new company has been set up to run it. See here for more news.
I don't understand what things like sex and pseudo president are doing here ? certainly, people have many time to spend on doing nothing, but if you're interested by a subject, you have to read all that non valuable stuff can you explain how the sort is made around a subject ?
Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not[....].Love is not music. Music is the best. FZ
How well thought out is this survey? According to the questions, we can now get IIS and Microsoft SQL Server for Linux, and Basic is a major software development language. Oh well.
"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."
I agree that most of the spam is a nuisance, but even spam can be fun and original. Look at this "President Clinton", for instance. He published his scripts, so he is now an "Open Source" spammer :)
Anyway, the fact that I'm reading and commentig this story is a tribute to the "President Clinton" spammer and the AC with the staircase subject comments. I would never read another story about a so-called "survey", I have seen so many "surveys" done without the necessary statistical rigor, I don't care for another. But look at the comments! 1100+, oh, this must be Troll Day! I can't miss this! So here I am. I might even click an ad banner or two, who knows? I'm a potential customer.
On the other hand, what turns me off are some of the "insightful" and "interesting" comments. I absolutely hate that politically correct bullshit! Those trite long winded sentences are totally void of semantic content if you filter out the PCBS. My sugestion to improve /. is to suppress the "insightful" and "interesting" labels, and add an "original" label instead. If you want a deep discussion on a subject, find the appropriate usenet group and stay there for a few weeks on each thread, carefully dissecting the implications.
The Slashdot owners must decide who they want as readers. If it's the PCBS bunch, too bad, there are so many places that cater to those that /. will be just one more in the crowd. Now, if it's a stand-alone, unique "News for Nerds, Stuff that matters", please keep this place geeky. Geeks *HATE* trite politically correct bullshit. Geeks like original humor, even if it's a bit scatological and absolutely irreverent. And, most important, geeks buy many, many more computer parts than the PCBS lovers do! Remember this, Andover/VALinux
From the /. moderator guidelines: If you can't be deep, be funny
a remark from my time meta-moderating: that's true that 6 out of 10 posts were trolls. that's a sorry loss of moderation points (for moderators, not meta moderators..). seems like slashdot is going through same period as internet did in 1993 - from a subculture it went mainstream, inviting not-so-responsible folk. quality of posts has decreased, yes. pity i can't contribute to it, quality. i like to browse at 4, but my comments rarely reach 2. but that makes sense, however.
God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ --1Thes5:9
See above.
You, my friend, are a member of the "politically correct" Gestapo. While you may not hold all PC views, in this case, you certainly are all too ready to pounce on anything that might discriminate against anything or anyone. Though I disagree with much of JoeSchmoe's proposals, I respect his right to say it. I'll not try to scare any meaningfull discussion away by tossing out words such as "gestapo".
Is the New York Times or the Economist fascist because they don't allow any schmoe write for them? No. Am I fascist because I wish to read something dynamic, more current, and interactice than the Economist (et. al), yet don't have the time to read every flame, troll, and dogmatic post on Slashdot? Because not everyone in this world has anything worthwhile to contribute, moderation and editorial control are necessary.
Trolls are Trolls. When I read a comment,I demand a certain level of effort, coherance, intelligence, and fairness. I don't have to listen to these trolls if I don't want to. Nor should I have to SEE these comments, if it is avoidable.
My problem with JoeSchmoe is that his solutions likely wouldn't be very effective, and might even have the oppositive effect.
I believe the degree of correlation between seniority and quality of posts is nominal. In other words, an individual who posts semi-regularly for a couple months likely isn't a one-time flamer. I would not, however, go beyond that. In my experience the differences between someone with a #xxxx and a #xxxxx ID are barely noticable.
....anyhow, I've got other ideas for moderation, but I don't have time to get into it now...hasta =)
I'll do it for cheesy poofs.
When we reach that point, whatever happened will happen again.
While I agree the whole delay between multiple posts thing has potential, where are these temporary posts going to be kept? In a temp database? Should there be a daemon running that is constantly sorting the database by timestamps and the total number of posts for the day and popping the one of the top into the normal database... I think Slashdot is already slow enough.....
A better answer would be to make a few code improvements that would stop most low level cracks and slow down the more advanced ones. It's obvious that these can still be by-passed but it would take considerable more work.
1) Check to see if the method is a GET or POST. It's much easier to whip up a quick script for a GET since it reads the variables from the URL string.
2) Check the referring URL. Yes, this can be spoofed and you can turn it off in some clients but it's yet another speed bump.
3) Add the users IP into the database for each post (They may already do this..) so it can be used later. If the user is a constant problem, ipchains -J DENY them or their subnet for a while.
Any other suggestions?
--
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
"A mind is a terrible thing to taste."
This is the 'foundation' level package, and is a free download. Also available for Windows and Solaris.
free experimental electronic music netlabel at www.viablehybrid.com
I'm glad to see Borland reiterating their commitment to Linux. I have used Delphi since it came out, and Turbo Pascal before that. I have no problem with C (though C++ makes my skin crawl), but Delphi makes the construction of a UI a minor event, not the majority of the app. That's as it should be.
/. stem from fears on the part of the current community of Linux developers that they will soon be drowned in a sea of Windows emigres. It is a well-founded concern. Many of us developing for Windows would like to be developing for Linux, but as commercial developers, cannot simply drop everything to adopt a new OS, new GUI interface, new compiler, and to build a new tool set.
I wonder whether many of the most negative comments on
Contrary to the ravings of RMS, I don't find anything wrong with being paid for my work. The single most offensive aspect of the Open Source movement is the tendency of its adherents to froth at the mouth over the notion of any software which is not free. I pay for a distribution, because I prefer to do that, rather than to download for the many hours it takes to obtain one for "free".
As a resident of North America, I am steeped in the principles of a reasonably free market, and in the notion that profit for labor and risk is an honorable thing. OSS folk take note: the market will determine whether or not Borland's commercially offered Linux-based tools survive. I believe that once Kylix hits the streets, we will see a tremendous upswing in the use of Linux, and in the availability of applications for the desktop.
Linux socialists: brace yourselves, the deluge is near.
With the success of commercial tools, as well as free ones, we will see the maturity of Linux in the market, and then MS will truly have something to fear.
--- Bill
I'd like to take a minute to break down michael's addendum:
> "Readers will notice that one of your fellow readers is abusing the system."
Right away, the tone is "us vs. them". "One of your fellow readers?" Remember when the Slashdot editors were part of the community that read their site? Now, we're "readers". They're "editors".
I don't care for this tone at all. It sounds too much like an elementary-school teacher -- "One of you students has decided to spoil it for the rest...."
> "Take my word for it that CmdrTaco is well aware of the situation and is preparing to Take Steps."
"Take Steps" with capitalization -- are the editors about to send someone to the principal's office? Is someone going to have to grab ankles while CmdrTaco administers a spanking?
> "It is frankly a shame that Slashdot's loose authentication system which is designed to allow people to participate without providing your name, SSN and mother's maiden name like so many other forums is also subject to abuse."
Translation: "We've built a popular interactive site by not forcing participants to answer intrusive questions. We may have to change this policy now that we're big-time." This sentence is just dripping with anticipation of Bad Things.
Face it, folks. Slashdot is a big-money "portal" site now. The fact that the spambot is being treated as such a crisis is evidence. Slashdot is just like ZDNet or MSNBC with a pronounced pro-Linux bias. The ".org" extension is deceptive and should be dropped.
The spambot is just a simple shell script. It could have been written at any point in Slashdot's life. I'm sure many people who visit this site have had the idea of auto-posting at one point. So why did it happen now?
Slashdot has gone the way of much of the "alternative" media of the 80's/90's generation. It's alternative until it makes money. Then, it becomes mainstream. People didn't care about taking risks before because there was nothing to lose. Now, stockholders and managers depend on "alternative" and they learn to stick with what works.
There's very little that's alternative about Slashdot now.
"News for Nerds?" -- Only if you define "nerd" as a Linux zealot prone to knee-jerk outrage against corporations and government.
"Stuff that matters" -- If your entire life revolves around computers and the internet.
Welcome to the mainstream, Slashdot. It was fun but now it's time to grow up.
-- In the future, everyone will code Perl for 15 minutes. --
I think the Gimp is actually a better, if less mature, program than Corel PhotoPaint. Likewise, I think Emacs is a better IDE than what Inprise/Borland have to offer.
Those commercial Windows-based tools have been designed to appear simple to learn and use. But they reach their limits quickly when it comes to customizability and scripting. The risk is that more and more Linux users will go the "easy" route, get the "free entry level" commercial tools and never learn what Linux and UNIX are all about.
I suppose that a Windows-like environment with a working POSIX-compliant kernel and modular GUI toolkit is still better than a Windows-like environment with a Win32 API, but I think there is a lot more to Linux/UNIX than just that, and this influx of commercial tools threatens it.
My management has been making noises for a number of years about porting from AIX to Win NT to enjoy a cost savings. Three points seem to be escaping their attention:
Capturing some portion of the market porting from high-end Unix systems to less expensive hardware running Linux or FreeBSD could be a big win. Oracle already has a head start in this because in many cases the applications are already using Oracle, and they have ported their software to Linux.
I realize this instead Borland/Inprise's native market, but if they can ease this transition, there may be potential sales for them.
Also, the survey mentioned localization into a variety of languages. These days, there are a lot of market niches that require support for the local language. And supporting a few of the big ones may not be enough. I'd rather see a mechanism that allows developers or end users to drop in translations to accomplish their own localization. Using gettext would be an excellent idea. But if there is a licensing issue with that, at least use a mechanism that will support
I have to agree with points 1, 2 and 4. The trolling is getting tiring. Karma and devotion to this site ought to count for something.
:-)
Issue 3, exponential delays for posting, might
be a bit tough to implement. Perhaps not nearly as important as newbies starting at -1.
Anyway, looks like Slashdot is in for a little DDoS of its own.
Disclaimer: I am a fool. IANALBTANSTAAFL
It seems bizarre to use a system where everyone and anyone is considered irrelevant until proven meaningful.
Instead, it should be that you are <B>meaningful until proven irrelevant</B>.
How about changing the point range to -5 and +3.
Everyone's posts start at +1 max, decreasing over time as they are moderated down. Persistently Irrelevant Posters (PIPs) would soon end up posting at -5.
Another idea: anonymous posters must enter a name and email address <B>at the time of posting</B> if they do not log in. If you want to constantly post garbage, you'll have to spend time rotating your name spoof over and over.
To share the moderation load, you should be able to view only unmoderated comments, i.e. ones that need your touch.
I do not believe anyone should get any automatic bonuses. But it should be very common for people to get automatic penalties.
Disclaimer: I am a fool. IANALATANSTAAFL
I doubt they'll see it here ....
A problem for me is this: Now that there are some registered users with high Karma, there's no way to differentiate between (1) posts that were moderated up because they deserved it, and (2) posts made by high-Karma posters that wouldn't have scored as high if they had started out at 0 or +1.
I find that this considerably reduces the usefulness of the scoring system. I hate to suggest adding any more clutter to the display, but perhaps something like:
might help?And may I point out that the problem gets worse over time if the paradigm of "moderate up, not down" is the rule. If everybody's Karma is 2000, how do you tell the signal from the noise?
Thanks for the link. I hadn't seen it.
Maybe the phrase you're searching for is "pissing in the soup."I browse at 0, relying on the moderation to clear the junk out (which it seems to do pretty successfully), but for me the higher scores have become meaningless. (See my comment here). Some of your other comments in this thread seem to indicate that we're in agreement about that.
werrrrd!!!
stupid troll
ssjsjsjsj sjsjskj jksj s
hi there
(Moderation suggestion: +4529, Insightful)
When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
(Moderation suggestion: +4465, Insightful)
Schapiro's Explanation:
The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
because they use more manure.
(Moderation suggestion: +4680, Insightful)
USER, n.:
The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
(Moderation suggestion: +5203, Insightful)
Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the
dollar!
(Moderation suggestion: +5097, Insightful)
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
(Moderation suggestion: +5124, Insightful)
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
(Moderation suggestion: +5331, Insightful)
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
(Moderation suggestion: +4936, Insightful)
Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
-- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7
(Moderation suggestion: +4999, Insightful)
You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how you
feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels too. Don't press. If
the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
-- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
(Moderation suggestion: +5125, Insightful)
Portable, adj.:
Survives system reboot.
(Moderation suggestion: +5731, Insightful)
Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
he can do is to Shut Up!
-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
(Moderation suggestion: +5871, Insightful)
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
____BODY!
-- from "Cerebus" #82
(Moderation suggestion: +6085, Insightful)
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
-- Andrew Jackson
(Moderation suggestion: +5974, Insightful)
...
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints
So far, I've had no complaints.
-- Dorothy Parker
(Moderation suggestion: +6655, Insightful)
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
leaks out.
(Moderation suggestion: +6822, Insightful)
I've built a better model than the one at Data General
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
-- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
"Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
by Gilbert & Sullivan)
(Moderation suggestion: +6664, Insightful)
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
(Moderation suggestion: +6280, Insightful)
Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
out of the market.
(Moderation suggestion: +16124, Insightful)
Uncompressing...done
Associate wid well-mannered sucka's an' yo' manners gots'ta improve.
Run wid decent folk an' yo' own decent instincts gots'ta be
strengthened. Ah be baaad... Keep de company uh bums an' ya' gots'ta become uh bum.
Hang aroun' wid rich sucka's an' ya' gots'ta en' by pickin' down de check
an' dyin' broke. Ya' know?
-- Stanley Walka'
(Moderation suggestion: +16271, Insightful)
Uncompressing...done
Don't hate yourself in de mo'nin' -- sleep till noon. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +16520, Insightful)
Uncompressing...done
If you's right 90% uh de time, why quibble about de remainin' 3%?
(Moderation suggestion: +16638, Insightful)
Uncompressing...done
Magpie, n.:
A bird whose deivish disposishun suggested t' someone dat it
might be taught t' rap.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "De Devil's Dictionary"
(Moderation suggestion: +16754, Insightful)
Uncompressing...done
Uh-oh -- WHY am ah' suddenly dinkin' of uh VENERABLE religious leada'
frolickin' on uh FORT LAUDERDALE weeken'?
(Moderation suggestion: +16871, Insightful)
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"He flung himself on his ho'se an' rode madly off in all directions"
(Moderation suggestion: +17029, Insightful)
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We didn't hook down today.
(Moderation suggestion: +17147, Insightful)
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"If God lived on Earth, sucka's would knock out all His windows."
-- Yiddish sayin'
(Moderation suggestion: +17310, Insightful)
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Know whut ah' hate mos'? Rheto'ical questions.
-- Henry N. Camp
(Moderation suggestion: +17466, Insightful)
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BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
(Moderation suggestion: +17597, Insightful)
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Hacking's plum sum oth' wo'd fo' nothin' left t' kludge.
(Moderation suggestion: +17729, Insightful)
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Pure drivel tends t' roll o'dinary drivel off de TV screen. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +17872, Insightful)
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I gots in late today.
(Moderation suggestion: +18013, Insightful)
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I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +18157, Insightful)
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I've gotten started on de fust one, it's not too bad-ass. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +18310, Insightful)
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I ain't really looked at de secon' one 'sept t' see dat it's pretty damn
long. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +18453, Insightful)
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Nasrudin been carryin' home uh piece uh liva' an' de recipe fo' liva'
pie. Suddenly some bird uh prey swooped waaay down an' snatched de piece uh
meat fum his han'. Ya' know? As de bird flew off, Nasrudin called afta' it,
"Foolish bird! Hell yeah! All o' ya gots' de liva', but whut kin ya' do wid it without
de damn recipe?"
(Moderation suggestion: +18595, Insightful)
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I'll probably snatch uh eyeball it tonight, an' we'll all hook down tomo'row. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +18713, Insightful)
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There's no room in de drug wo'ld fo' amateurs. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +18870, Insightful)
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Plato, by de way, wanted t' banish all poets fum his proposed Utopia
cuz' dey wuz liars. What it is, Mama! De truth wuz dat Plato knowed philosophers
couldn't compete successfully wid poets.
-- Kilgo'e Trout (Philip J. Farma') "Venus on de Half
Shell"
(Moderation suggestion: +19018, Insightful)
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Where you is.
(Moderation suggestion: +19139, Insightful)
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The priSnow Flake requisite fo' any new tax law be fo' it t' 'esempt enough
voters t' win de next elecshun. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +19287, Insightful)
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Murphy's Law uh Research:
Enough fumblin' gots'ta ten' t' suppo't yo' deo'y. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +19429, Insightful)
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I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +19569, Insightful)
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Bug, n.:
An aspect of uh clunker honky code which 'esists cuz' de
programma' wuz dinkin' about Jumbo Buckwheats o' stock options when s/he
wrote de honky code.
Fo'tunately, de damn second-to-last bug gots' plum been fixed. Man!
-- Ray Simard
(Moderation suggestion: +19685, Insightful)
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"Whut are we goin' t' do?"
"Me, I's gots'ta be 'esaminin' de majo' Western religions. Ah be baaad... I's gots'ta be lookin' fo'
sump'n dat's soft on mo'ality, generous wid holidays, an' gots' uh
sho't initiashun puh'iod."
(Moderation suggestion: +19825, Insightful)
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I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +19965, Insightful)
..."
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"If plum one piece uh mail gits lost, sheeeit, dey'll plum dink dey
fo'got t' t'row it. But if *two* pieces uh mail git lost, hell, dey'll
plum dink de otha' sucka' hasn't gotten aroun' t' answerin' his mail. What it is, Mama!
An' if *fifty* pieces uh mail git lost, kin ya' imagine it, if *fifty*
pieces uh mail git lost, why dey'll dink someone *else* be broke! Hell yeah!
An' if 1Gb uh mail gits lost, dey'll plum *know* dat Arpa be waaay down an'
dink it's some conspiracy t' keep dem fum deir God given right t'
receive Net Mail
-- Leith (Casey) Leedom
(Moderation suggestion: +20122, Insightful)
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I ain't really looked at de secon' one 'sept t' see dat it's pretty damn
long. Ah be baaad...
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... In uh free society
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The noshun dat de church, de press, an' de universities should
serve de state be essentially some Communist noshun
dese institutions must be wholly free -- which be t' say dat deir
funcshun be t' serve as checks upon de state. 'S coo', bro.
-- Alan Barth
(Moderation suggestion: +20354, Insightful)
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No matta' whut otha' nations may say about de United States,
immigrashun be still de sincerest fo'm uh flattery. What it is, Mama!
(Moderation suggestion: +20493, Insightful)
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I ain't really looked at de secon' one 'sept t' see dat it's pretty damn
long. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +20634, Insightful)
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You are uh real redundant sucka', dat's whut kind'a sucka' ya' are. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +20775, Insightful)
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Don't kiss an elephant on de lips today. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +20916, Insightful)
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Am Ah' in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
(Moderation suggestion: +21032, Insightful)
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Hell hath no fury likes uh bureaucrat sco'ned. Ah be baaad...
-- Milton Friedman
(Moderation suggestion: +21172, Insightful)
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Where you is.
(Moderation suggestion: +21313, Insightful)
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We didn't hook down today.
(Moderation suggestion: +21453, Insightful)
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A Riverside, Califo'nia, health o'dinance states dat two sucka's may
not kiss each otha' without fust wipin' deir lips wid carbolized
rosewata'.
(Moderation suggestion: +21595, Insightful)
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I've gotten started on de fust one, it's not too bad-ass. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +21736, Insightful)
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I ain't really looked at de secon' one 'sept t' see dat it's pretty damn
long. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +21893, Insightful)
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... Now, it's time t' "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
(Moderation suggestion: +22033, Insightful)
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I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +22173, Insightful)
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Any little-ass object dat be accidentally dropped gots'ta hide unda' uh larga'
object. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +22289, Insightful)
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Underlyin' Principle uh Socio-Genetics:
Supuh'io'ity be recessive. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +22429, Insightful)
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I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +22571, Insightful)
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I gots in late today.
(Moderation suggestion: +22711, Insightful)
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We didn't hook down today.
(Moderation suggestion: +22851, Insightful)
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"Stealin' uh rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. Ah be baaad..."
(Moderation suggestion: +22968, Insightful)
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Wheneva' anyone says, "deo'etically", dey really mean, "not really".
-- Dave Parnas
(Moderation suggestion: +23084, Insightful)
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The early bird who catches de wo'm wo'ks fo' someone who comes in late
an' owns de wo'm farm. What it is, Mama!
-- Travis McGee
(Moderation suggestion: +23224, Insightful)
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Maybe tomo'row.
(Moderation suggestion: +23364, Insightful)
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Real Users neva' use de Help key. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +23480, Insightful)
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A sense uh humo' keen enough t' show uh dude his own absurdities gots'ta
keep him fum de commission uh all sins, o' nearly all, save them
dat are wo'th committin'. What it is, Mama!
-- Samuel Butla'
(Moderation suggestion: +23625, Insightful)
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It be one uh de supuh'stitions uh de human min' t' have imagined dat
virginity could be uh virtue.
-- Voltaire
(Moderation suggestion: +23765, Insightful)
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Characta' Density, n.:
De numba' uh real weird sucka's in de office. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +23905, Insightful)
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We didn't hook down today.
(Moderation suggestion: +24046, Insightful)
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I ain't really looked at de secon' one 'sept t' see dat it's pretty damn
long. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +24186, Insightful)
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All dings are possible, 'sept skiin' t'ru uh revolvin' doo'. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +24328, Insightful)
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Where you is.
(Moderation suggestion: +24468, Insightful)
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Like Ah' always say -- nothin' kin whup' de BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
(Moderation suggestion: +24585, Insightful)
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Plumbin' be one uh de easia' uh do-it-yourself activities,
requirin' only uh few simple tools an' uh willingness t' stick yo' arm
on inta' uh clogged toilet. In fact, ya' kin solve many home plumbin'
problems, such as annoyin' faucet drip, merely by turnin' down de
transista'. Ya' know? But befo'e we git on inta' specific techniques, let's eyeball how
plumbin' wo'ks. 'S coo', bro.
A plumbin' sys'm be real much likes yo' electrical sys'm,
'sept dat 'stead uh electricity, it gots' booze, an' 'stead uh wires,
it gots' pipes, an' 'stead uh radios an' waffle irons, it gots' faucets
an' toilets. 'S coo', bro. So de truth be dat yo' plumbin' systems be nothin' at
all likes yo' electrical sys'm, which be baaaad, cuz' electricity kin
kill ya'. What it is, Mama!
-- Dave Barry, "De Tamin' uh de Screw"
(Moderation suggestion: +24713, Insightful)
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Procrastinato's do it tomo'row.
(Moderation suggestion: +24853, Insightful)
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I've gotten started on de fust one, it's not too bad-ass. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +24971, Insightful)
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God gives us relatives; dank goodness we kin chose our friends.
(Moderation suggestion: +25111, Insightful)
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I'll probably snatch uh eyeball it tonight, an' we'll all hook down tomo'row. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +25227, Insightful)
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The Preacha', de Politician, de Teacha',
Were each uh dem once uh kiddie.
A child, indeed, be some wonderful creature. Man!
Do ah' wants one? God Fo'biddie!
-- Ogden Nash
(Moderation suggestion: +25358, Insightful)
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Used staples are baaaad wid SOY SAUCE!
(Moderation suggestion: +25498, Insightful)
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Where you is.
(Moderation suggestion: +25638, Insightful)
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"In sho't, _N be Richardian if, an' only if, _N ain't Richardian."
(Moderation suggestion: +25754, Insightful)
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"De National Associashun uh Deata' Concessionaires repo'ted dat in
1986, 60% uh all candy sold in movie deaters been sold t' Roga' Ebert. Ah be baaad..."
-- D. Letterman
(Moderation suggestion: +25894, Insightful)
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Where you is.
(Moderation suggestion: +26012, Insightful)
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Once at uh social gatherin', Gladstone said t' Disraeli, "Ah' predict,
Sir, dat ya' gots'ta die eitha' by hangin' o' uh some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "Dat all depends upon whetha' ah' embrace yo'
principals o' yo' mistress".
(Moderation suggestion: +26152, Insightful)
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Maybe tomo'row.
(Moderation suggestion: +26292, Insightful)
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Don't cook tonight -- starve uh rat today! Hell yeah!
(Moderation suggestion: +26432, Insightful)
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Histo'y be curious stuff
You'd dink by now we had enough
Yet de fact remains ah' fear
Dey make mo'e uh it every year. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +26572, Insightful)
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Maybe tomo'row.
(Moderation suggestion: +26713, Insightful)
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We didn't hook down today.
(Moderation suggestion: +26854, Insightful)
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I ain't really looked at de secon' one 'sept t' see dat it's pretty damn
long. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +26994, Insightful)
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I gots' discovered de art uh deceivin' diplomats. Ah be baaad... Ah' tell dem de truth
an' dey neva' rekon' me.
-- Camillo Di Cavour
(Moderation suggestion: +27138, Insightful)
/usr/news/crypt. Ah be baaad...
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New crypt. See
(Moderation suggestion: +27279, Insightful)
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I realize dat today ya' gots' uh numba' uh top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who kin run likes dea' an' bench-press Chevrolet
trucks. Ah be baaad... But t' be brutally frank, honky chicks as uh group gots' uh long way t'
go befo'e dey reach de damn level uh intensity an' dedicashun t' spo'ts
dat enables dudes t' be such incredible jerks about it. Man!
-- Dave Barry, "Spo'ts be uh Drag"
(Moderation suggestion: +27395, Insightful)
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A sense uh humo' keen enough t' show uh dude his own absurdities gots'ta
keep him fum de commission uh all sins, o' nearly all, save them
dat are wo'th committin'. What it is, Mama!
-- Samuel Butla'
(Moderation suggestion: +27535, Insightful)
Uncompressing...done
We didn't hook down today.
(Moderation suggestion: +27675, Insightful)
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Always bo'row bre'd fum uh pessimist; he duzn't 'espect t' be paid
back. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +27817, Insightful)
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I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +27957, Insightful)
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Death, when unnecessary, be uh tragic thang. Ah be baaad...
-- Flint, "Requiem fo' Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
(Moderation suggestion: +28073, Insightful)
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The gods gave dude fire an' he invented fire engines. Dey gave him
love an' he invented marriage. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +28213, Insightful)
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I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +28353, Insightful)
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I gots' mo'e humility in mah' little-ass finga' dan ya' gots' in yo' whole
____BODY!
-- fum "Cerebus" #82
(Moderation suggestion: +28495, Insightful)
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I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +28635, Insightful)
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Fo' mah' son, Leroy, dis be provin' t' be de high-point uh his entire
life t' date. Ah be baaad... He gots' had his pajamas on fo' two, maybe t'ree days
now. What it is, Mama! He gots' de sense uh joyful independence some 5-year-old child gits
when he suddenly realizes dat he could be opuh'tin' an acetylene to'ch
in de coat closet an' neitha' parent [because uh de flu] would gots'
de strength t' object. 'S coo', bro. He gots' been fo'agin' fo' his own food, which
means his diet consists entirely uh "food" substances which are
advertised only on Saturday-mo'nin' cartoon shows; substances dat are
de colo' uh jukebox lights an' dat, fo' legal reasons, gots' deir
names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
("part uh dis complete breakfast").
-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
(Moderation suggestion: +28777, Insightful)
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When you's away, I's gots'ta be restless, lonely,
Wretched, bo'ed, dejected; only
Here's de rub, mah' darlin' dear
ah' feel de same when ya' are near. What it is, Mama!
-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You's Away"
(Moderation suggestion: +28932, Insightful)
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People who claim dey duzn't let little-ass dings botha' dem gots' neva'
slept in uh room wid uh single mosquito. What it is, Mama!
(Moderation suggestion: +29051, Insightful)
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Grabel's Law:
2 ain't equal t' 3 -- not even fo' large values uh 2.
(Moderation suggestion: +29191, Insightful)
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I'll probably snatch uh eyeball it tonight, an' we'll all hook down tomo'row. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +29307, Insightful)
...
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Everyone knows dat dragons duzn't 'esist. But while dis simplistic
fo'mulashun may satisfy de layman, it duzn't suffice fo' de
scientific min'. De School uh Higha' Neantical Nillity be in fact
wholly unconcerned wid whut ____does 'esist. Indeed, de banality uh
'esistence gots' been so's amply demonstrated, dere be no need fo' us t'
discuss it any furtha' here. Ya' know? De brilliant Cerebron, attackin' de
problem analytically, discovered t'ree distinct kinds uh dragon: de
mah'thical, de damn chimerical, an' de purely hypothetical. Dey wuz all,
one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
(Moderation suggestion: +29448, Insightful)
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Is dis goin' t' involve RAW human ecstasy?
(Moderation suggestion: +29590, Insightful)
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Maybe tomo'row.
(Moderation suggestion: +29731, Insightful)
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I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +29847, Insightful)
..."
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"Adopted kids are such uh pain -- ya' gots'ta teach dem how t' eyeball
likes ya'
-- Gilda Radna'
(Moderation suggestion: +29963, Insightful)
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NEWARK gots' been REZONED!! DES MOINES gots' been REZONED!!
(Moderation suggestion: +30080, Insightful)
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In Denva' it be unlawful t' len' yo' vacuum cleana' t' yo' next-doo'
neighbo'.
(Moderation suggestion: +30220, Insightful)
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I gots in late today.
(Moderation suggestion: +30360, Insightful)
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A pretty yung lady named Vogel
Once sat herself waaay down on uh molehill. Ah be baaad...
A curious mole
Nosed on inta' ha' hole --
Ms. What it is, Mama! Vogel's coo', but de mole's ill.
(Moderation suggestion: +30491, Insightful)
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PL/1, "de fatal disease", belongs mo'e t' de problem set dan t' de
solushun set.
-- E. W. Dijkstra
(Moderation suggestion: +30631, Insightful)
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I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +30771, Insightful)
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Receivin' uh million dollars tax free gots'ta make ya' feel betta' dan
bein' flat broke an' havin' uh stomach ache. What it is, Mama!
-- Dolph Sharp, "I's gots'ta be O.K., You's Not So Hot"
(Moderation suggestion: +30887, Insightful)
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I gots' discovered de art uh deceivin' diplomats. Ah be baaad... Ah' tell dem de truth
an' dey neva' rekon' me.
-- Camillo Di Cavour
(Moderation suggestion: +31027, Insightful)
Uncompressing...done
I been kinda hopin' t' git in on dat well-Hin' acshun, yaknow. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +31168, Insightful)
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Where you is.
(Moderation suggestion: +31309, Insightful)
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I've gotten started on de fust one, it's not too bad-ass. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +31450, Insightful)
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I ain't really looked at de secon' one 'sept t' see dat it's pretty damn
long. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +31590, Insightful)
/
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panic: can't fin'
(Moderation suggestion: +31706, Insightful)
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"If ya' gots'ta hate, hate gently"
(Moderation suggestion: +31823, Insightful)
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In India, "cold weatha'" be merely uh conventional phrase an' have come
on inta' use t'rough de necessity uh havin' some way t' distinguish
between weatha' which gots'ta melt uh brass doo'-knob an' weatha' which
gots'ta only make it mushy.
-- AmosTwain
(Moderation suggestion: +31940, Insightful)
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Fairy Tale, n.:
A ho'ro' sto'y t' prepare children fo' de newspapuh's. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +32080, Insightful)
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I gots in late today.
(Moderation suggestion: +32238, Insightful)
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Like de ski reradical girls lookin' fo' husbands an' husbands lookin'
fo' girls, de situashun ain't as symmetrical as it might seem. What it is, Mama!
-- Alan McKay
(Moderation suggestion: +32354, Insightful)
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The fact dat boys are allowed t' 'esist at all be evidence of uh
remarkable Christian fo'bearance among dudes.
-- Ambrose Bierce
(Moderation suggestion: +32494, Insightful)
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I ain't really looked at de secon' one 'sept t' see dat it's pretty damn
long. Ah be baaad...
(Moderation suggestion: +32610, Insightful)
Uncompressing...done
Everythin' you've learned in farm as "obvious" becomes less an' less
obvious as ya' begin t' study de universe. Ah be baaad... Fo' 'esample, dere are no
solids in de universe. Dere's not even some suggesshun of uh solid. Man!
Dere are no absolute continuums. Ya' know? Dere are no surfaces. 'S coo', bro. Dere are no
straight lines. 'S coo', bro.
-- R. Buckminsta' Fulla'
(Moderation suggestion: +32751, Insightful)
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I am havin' FUN... ah' wonda' if it's NET FUN o' GROSS FUN?
(Moderation suggestion: +124, Insightful)
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"I's gots'ta be uh creationist; ah' refuse t' rekon' dat ah' could gots' evolved fum
dude. Ah be baaad..."
(Moderation suggestion: +264, Insightful)
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I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! Whut's dat SIGNPOST down a'haid? Where's ROD
STERLING when ya' really need him?
(Moderation suggestion: +404, Insightful)
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Overdrawn? But ah' still gots' checks left!
(Moderation suggestion: +545, Insightful)
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Maybe tomo'row.
(Moderation suggestion: +685, Insightful)
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We didn't hook down today.
(Moderation suggestion: +812, Insightful)
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AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
All o' ya brute! Knock befo'e enterin' uh ladies room!
(Moderation suggestion: +972, Insightful)
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An' as we stan' on de edge uh darkness
Let our chant fill de void
Dat others may knows
In de lan' uh de night
De ship uh de damn sun
Is drawn by
De grateful wasted. Man!
-- Tibetan "Book uh de Dead," ca. 'S coo', bro. 4000 BC.
(Moderation suggestion: +1082, Insightful)
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
(Moderation suggestion: +1083, Insightful)
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
(Moderation suggestion: +27652, Insightful)
I steal.
-- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
-- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
(Moderation suggestion: +1267, Insightful)
Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
(Moderation suggestion: +1349, Insightful)
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
(Moderation suggestion: +1456, Insightful)
... Let's not talk again ____REAL ..."
"I'm really enjoying not talking to you
soon
(Moderation suggestion: +1541, Insightful)
"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."
-- George Saunders' dying words
(Moderation suggestion: +28039, Insightful)
Kludge, n.:
An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
distressing whole.
-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
(Moderation suggestion: +28533, Insightful)
Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
(Moderation suggestion: +1711, Insightful)
Johnson's First Law:
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
most inconvenient possible time.
(Moderation suggestion: +28845, Insightful)
Magpie, n.:
A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
(Moderation suggestion: +1973, Insightful)
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
(Moderation suggestion: +29127, Insightful)
Genius, n.:
A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright."
(Moderation suggestion: +2176, Insightful)
Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
-- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
(Moderation suggestion: +29385, Insightful)
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways
and it was always snowing.
(Moderation suggestion: +2340, Insightful)
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
(Moderation suggestion: +29884, Insightful)
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
(Moderation suggestion: +2502, Insightful)
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
(Moderation suggestion: +30246, Insightful)
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
(Moderation suggestion: +2664, Insightful)
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
(Moderation suggestion: +30531, Insightful)
Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
a delicious dessert.
(Moderation suggestion: +2843, Insightful)
It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
-- Havelock Ellis
(Moderation suggestion: +30813, Insightful)
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
-- Kingsley Amis
(Moderation suggestion: +3008, Insightful)
"You've got to think about tomorrow!"
"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
(Moderation suggestion: +31229, Insightful)
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire
(Moderation suggestion: +3171, Insightful)
Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
(Moderation suggestion: +31604, Insightful)
Variables don't; constants aren't.
(Moderation suggestion: +3335, Insightful)
...
Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user
(Moderation suggestion: +31943, Insightful)
Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
as good as any other.
-- Philippe De Remi
(Moderation suggestion: +3514, Insightful)
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
(Moderation suggestion: +32217, Insightful)
... or is it?"
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question
(Moderation suggestion: +3676, Insightful)
It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
(Moderation suggestion: +32636, Insightful)
"Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin."
-- Michael O'Donohugh
(Moderation suggestion: +3841, Insightful)
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
(Moderation suggestion: +265, Insightful)
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
-- Groucho Marx
(Moderation suggestion: +4023, Insightful)
I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
MONTALBAN!
(Moderation suggestion: +571, Insightful)
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
(Moderation suggestion: +4202, Insightful)
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
it.
(Moderation suggestion: +881, Insightful)
Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
(Moderation suggestion: +4367, Insightful)
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
-- Prof. Steiner
(Moderation suggestion: +1239, Insightful)
Lunatic Asylum, n.:
The place where optimism most flourishes.
(Moderation suggestion: +4532, Insightful)
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
(Moderation suggestion: +1719, Insightful)
One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment, or
about the veracity of a given experimenter, but, taking all the supportive
experiments together, the weight of evidence is so strong as readily to
merit a wise man's reflection.
- Professor William Tiller, parapsychologist, Standford University,
commenting on psi research
(Moderation suggestion: +4694, Insightful)
The camel has a single hump;
The dromedary two;
Or else the other way around.
I'm never sure. Are you?
-- Ogden Nash
(Moderation suggestion: +2025, Insightful)
Too much is not enough.
(Moderation suggestion: +4870, Insightful)
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
(Moderation suggestion: +2319, Insightful)
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
(Moderation suggestion: +5049, Insightful)
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
The looks that melt, the claws that and through
catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back.
He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
(Moderation suggestion: +2589, Insightful)
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
(Moderation suggestion: +5214, Insightful)
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
(Moderation suggestion: +3065, Insightful)
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
(Moderation suggestion: +5376, Insightful)
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
is right.
(Moderation suggestion: +3440, Insightful)
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
-- Emo Phillips
(Moderation suggestion: +5539, Insightful)
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
(Moderation suggestion: +3721, Insightful)
It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
(Moderation suggestion: +5716, Insightful)
If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
bit surprised.
-- Dorothy Parker
(Moderation suggestion: +4005, Insightful)
I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
can't be measured in monetary terms.
Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
understand his long delay.
(Moderation suggestion: +5881, Insightful)
Croll's Query:
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
(Moderation suggestion: +4436, Insightful)
A day without sunshine is like night.
(Moderation suggestion: +6063, Insightful)
Randel, n.:
A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
for farting at a friend.
-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
Preposterous Words
(Moderation suggestion: +4828, Insightful)
The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
with Basil.
-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
(Moderation suggestion: +6228, Insightful)
Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
(Moderation suggestion: +5158, Insightful)
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
pole in a complex plane."
(Moderation suggestion: +6406, Insightful)
Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
your fuses regularly.
Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
table, etc.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
(Moderation suggestion: +5450, Insightful)
The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
-- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
(Moderation suggestion: +6569, Insightful)
Parsley
is gharsley.
-- Ogden Nash
(Moderation suggestion: +5852, Insightful)
Optimization hinders evolution.
(Moderation suggestion: +6733, Insightful)
Fresco's Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
(Moderation suggestion: +6254, Insightful)
Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
(Moderation suggestion: +6895, Insightful)
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
-- Voltaire
(Moderation suggestion: +6556, Insightful)
The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
(Moderation suggestion: +7072, Insightful)
No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
-- Fran Lebowitz
(Moderation suggestion: +6829, Insightful)
user, n.:
The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
(Moderation suggestion: +7234, Insightful)
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
(Moderation suggestion: +7206, Insightful)
Backed up the system lately?
(Moderation suggestion: +7481, Insightful)
You speak of courage. Obviously you do not know the difference between
courage and foolhardiness. Always it is the brave ones who die, the
soldiers.
-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
stardate 3201.7
(Moderation suggestion: +7685, Insightful)
But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
(Moderation suggestion: +7645, Insightful)
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
paid may disregard this fortune).
(Moderation suggestion: +7995, Insightful)
You had mail. Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
(Moderation suggestion: +7811, Insightful)
Veni, Vidi, Visa.
(Moderation suggestion: +8282, Insightful)
Immortality consists largely of boredom.
-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
(Moderation suggestion: +7990, Insightful)
Vail's Second Axiom:
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
amount of work already completed.
(Moderation suggestion: +8564, Insightful)
There is no opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
(Moderation suggestion: +8154, Insightful)
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
(Moderation suggestion: +9032, Insightful)
There are bad times just around the corner,
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
And it's no good whining
About a silver lining
For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
-- Noel Coward
(Moderation suggestion: +8316, Insightful)
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
now.
(Moderation suggestion: +9403, Insightful)
Better dead than mellow.
(Moderation suggestion: +8479, Insightful)
"The pyramid is opening!"
"Which one?"
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
(Moderation suggestion: +9685, Insightful)
...It is sad to find him belaboring the science community for its united
opposition to ignorant creationists who want teachers and textbooks to
give equal time to crank arguments that have advanced not a step beyond
the flyblown rhetoric of Bishop Wilberforce and William Jennings Bryan.
- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life",
The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131
(Moderation suggestion: +8658, Insightful)
All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
(Moderation suggestion: +9967, Insightful)
The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
predictive power.
-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
Thinking"
(Moderation suggestion: +8821, Insightful)
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.
(Moderation suggestion: +10380, Insightful)
Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
-- William Faulkner
(Moderation suggestion: +8986, Insightful)
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
(Moderation suggestion: +10773, Insightful)
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill,
belonging to it.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
(Moderation suggestion: +9150, Insightful)
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
smurfette."
-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
(Moderation suggestion: +11093, Insightful)
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
(Moderation suggestion: +11383, Insightful)
Schapiro's Explanation:
The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
because they use more manure.
(Moderation suggestion: +9329, Insightful)
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
(Moderation suggestion: +9491, Insightful)
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
Planning."
(Moderation suggestion: +11791, Insightful)
Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
Oh wait...
I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
Never mind.
(Moderation suggestion: +9655, Insightful)
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.
-- George Burns
(Moderation suggestion: +12193, Insightful)
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
it took seven others to beat him!
(Moderation suggestion: +9817, Insightful)
Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
(Moderation suggestion: +12484, Insightful)
Maryann's Law:
You can always find what you're not looking for.
(Moderation suggestion: +9981, Insightful)
PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
(Moderation suggestion: +12754, Insightful)
Those who can't write, write manuals.
(Moderation suggestion: +10160, Insightful)
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
-- Mark Twain
(Moderation suggestion: +13140, Insightful)
This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like.
-- Forbes Burkowski, CS 454, University of Washington
(Moderation suggestion: +10324, Insightful)
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
-- Henry Kissinger
(Moderation suggestion: +13618, Insightful)
Ignore previous fortune.
(Moderation suggestion: +10498, Insightful)
Yow! Am I having fun yet?
(Moderation suggestion: +13931, Insightful)
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
(Moderation suggestion: +10662, Insightful)
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
-- Arnold Bennett
(Moderation suggestion: +14203, Insightful)
We can predict everything, except the future.
(Moderation suggestion: +10839, Insightful)
Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
-- Patrick Sky
(Moderation suggestion: +14477, Insightful)
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after
that begins to bunch them.
-- Mencken
(Moderation suggestion: +11001, Insightful)
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
(Moderation suggestion: +14971, Insightful)
Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
(Moderation suggestion: +11166, Insightful)
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
(Moderation suggestion: +15336, Insightful)
Why are you so hard to ignore?
(Moderation suggestion: +11329, Insightful)
A hard man is good to find.
(Moderation suggestion: +15620, Insightful)
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing
golf with his boss.
(Moderation suggestion: +11508, Insightful)
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
Alley!!
(Moderation suggestion: +15907, Insightful)
Kington's Law of Perforation:
If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
part of the paper.
(Moderation suggestion: +11670, Insightful)
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
-- Nicol Williamson
(Moderation suggestion: +16341, Insightful)
"If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy."
-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir
(Moderation suggestion: +11834, Insightful)
...
FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS
(Moderation suggestion: +16722, Insightful)
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
-- W. C. Fields
(Moderation suggestion: +11996, Insightful)
... like a state of
"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions
sheer terror."
-- W. K. Hartmann
(Moderation suggestion: +17032, Insightful)
HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 1
proof by example:
The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it
contains most of the ideas of the general proof.
proof by intimidation:
'Trivial'.
proof by vigorous handwaving:
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
(Moderation suggestion: +12161, Insightful)
Bumper sticker:
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"
(Moderation suggestion: +17318, Insightful)
To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say
"I don't know."
(Moderation suggestion: +12340, Insightful)
Bubble Memory, n.:
A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
(Moderation suggestion: +17716, Insightful)
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
and never be our destiny.
-- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
(Moderation suggestion: +12507, Insightful)
...
DETERIORATA
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss -- and when.
Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
You are a fluke of the universe
You have no right to be here.
Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
Is laughing behind your back.
-- National Lampoon
(Moderation suggestion: +18103, Insightful)
Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
-- Kernighan
(Moderation suggestion: +12669, Insightful)
...
Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit
back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
no need to improve
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
(Moderation suggestion: +18397, Insightful)
You have no real enemies.
(Moderation suggestion: +12833, Insightful)
...
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of
HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT
(Moderation suggestion: +18719, Insightful)
It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
-- Havelock Ellis
(Moderation suggestion: +13010, Insightful)
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
-- Sydney J. Harris
(Moderation suggestion: +19080, Insightful)
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
(Moderation suggestion: +13234, Insightful)
Many Myths are based on truth
-- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3
(Moderation suggestion: +19548, Insightful)
Proposed Country & Western Song Titles
I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
Breaking My Heart
Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
With You Is the Pits
I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
-- "Wordplay"
(Moderation suggestion: +13418, Insightful)
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
(Moderation suggestion: +19849, Insightful)
No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon lectures which are
really worth the attending.
-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
(Moderation suggestion: +13582, Insightful)
I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is
going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother
and father.
-- Frank Zappa
(Moderation suggestion: +20139, Insightful)
A Hen Brooding Kittens
A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
-- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
(Moderation suggestion: +13749, Insightful)
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
-- W. Somerset Maugham
(Moderation suggestion: +20409, Insightful)
As to Jesus of Nazareth...I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
divinity.
- Benjamin Franklin
(Moderation suggestion: +13911, Insightful)
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
(Moderation suggestion: +20894, Insightful)
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
(Moderation suggestion: +14075, Insightful)
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
(Moderation suggestion: +21277, Insightful)
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
(Moderation suggestion: +14237, Insightful)
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
-- Will Durant
(Moderation suggestion: +21562, Insightful)
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
-- Ted Turner
(Moderation suggestion: +14457, Insightful)
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
than the estimate the job will cost.
(Moderation suggestion: +21848, Insightful)
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then
you clearly don't understand the situation.
(Moderation suggestion: +14763, Insightful)
"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
and to his imagination for his facts."
-- Sheridan
(Moderation suggestion: +22256, Insightful)
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We'll fix it in software.
Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The application can work around it.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The user can figure it out.
(Moderation suggestion: +14967, Insightful)
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
hands for masturbation."
-- Lily Tomlin
(Moderation suggestion: +22634, Insightful)
Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
"I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window...
-- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
(Moderation suggestion: +15151, Insightful)
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.
They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They
used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used
finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used
fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints.
They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile.
They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And
what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
Tick-Tock Man"
(Moderation suggestion: +22959, Insightful)
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
really hate is lousy programmers.
-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
(Moderation suggestion: +15316, Insightful)
Spelling is a lossed art.
(Moderation suggestion: +23254, Insightful)
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
And I wish I'd never met him.
-- Dorothy Parker, part 1
(Moderation suggestion: +15493, Insightful)
There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
(Moderation suggestion: +23669, Insightful)
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
(Moderation suggestion: +24044, Insightful)
Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
best at, that's what I say.
-- Doctor Who
(Moderation suggestion: +15821, Insightful)
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
(Moderation suggestion: +24345, Insightful)
Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingness
to make it when necessary.
-- Frederick Dunn
(Moderation suggestion: +15985, Insightful)
... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
Kids, don't gross me off
carried too FAR!
(Moderation suggestion: +24619, Insightful)
Troll sat alone on his seat of stone,
And munched and mumbled a bare old bone;
For many a year he had gnawed it near,
For meat was hard to come by.
Done by! Gum by!
In a cave in the hills he dwelt alone,
And meat was hard to come by.
Up came Tom with his big boots on.
Said he to Troll: "Pray, what is youn?
For it looks like the shin o' my nuncle Tim,
As should be a-lyin in graveyard.
Caveyard! Paveyard!
This many a year has Tim been gone,
And I thought he were lyin' in graveyard."
"My lad," said Troll, "this bone I stole.
But what be bones that lie in a hole?
Thy nuncle was dead as a lump o' lead,
Afore I found his shinbone.
Tinbone! Thinbone!
He can spare a share for a poor old troll
For he don't need his shinbone."
Said Tom: "I don't see why the likes o' thee
Without axin' leave should go makin' free
With the shank or the shin o' my father's kin;
So hand the old bone over!
Rover! Trover!
Though dead he be, it belongs to he;
So hand the old bnone over!"
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
(Moderation suggestion: +16165, Insightful)
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
(Moderation suggestion: +16327, Insightful)
There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
this?
Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
(Moderation suggestion: +25004, Insightful)
A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
(Moderation suggestion: +25487, Insightful)
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
they make a law it's a joke.
-- Will Rogers
(Moderation suggestion: +16491, Insightful)
... ...
We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
Haggard song at a French restaurant.
I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
what men must do.
"Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
quiet and peace I will never forget.
"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
tollway belle's for thee."
The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
Competition
(Moderation suggestion: +16655, Insightful)
I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
(Moderation suggestion: +25782, Insightful)
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
(Moderation suggestion: +16821, Insightful)
Of all the words of witch's doom
There's none so bad as which and whom.
The man who kills both which and whom
Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
-- Fletcher Knebel
(Moderation suggestion: +26073, Insightful)
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
-- Redd Foxx
(Moderation suggestion: +16983, Insightful)
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
minutes of my life!
(Moderation suggestion: +26350, Insightful)
You don't have to explain something you never said.
-- Calvin Coolidge
(Moderation suggestion: +17148, Insightful)
Yow! Are we wet yet?
(Moderation suggestion: +26825, Insightful)
The road to Hades is easy to travel.
-- Bion
(Moderation suggestion: +17311, Insightful)
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
(Moderation suggestion: +27187, Insightful)
Your good nature will bring unbounded happiness.
(Moderation suggestion: +17475, Insightful)
"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
is from the wrong kind of tree."
-- Professor W.
(Moderation suggestion: +27472, Insightful)
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
to pay income taxes, too?
-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
(Moderation suggestion: +17653, Insightful)
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
(Moderation suggestion: +27754, Insightful)
It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
attention, the harder the task.
-- Sydney J. Harris
(Moderation suggestion: +17817, Insightful)
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
(Moderation suggestion: +28164, Insightful)
There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.
-- Anatole France
(Moderation suggestion: +17979, Insightful)
You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
independence.
-- Charles A. Beard
(Moderation suggestion: +28557, Insightful)
Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
(Moderation suggestion: +18143, Insightful)
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
the United States.
-- Vic Gold
(Moderation suggestion: +28871, Insightful)
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
house."
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
but not in the House."
(Moderation suggestion: +18310, Insightful)
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
(Moderation suggestion: +29162, Insightful)
Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody
speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
than I am.
I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
that she didn't recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
(Moderation suggestion: +18475, Insightful)
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
him.
-- Ed Howe
(Moderation suggestion: +29563, Insightful)
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to
mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.
-- H.L. Mencken
(Moderation suggestion: +18638, Insightful)
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
(Moderation suggestion: +29964, Insightful)
Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
-- Oscar Hammerstein II
(Moderation suggestion: +18800, Insightful)
The Three Major Kind of Tools
* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
bludgeons, and truncheons.)
* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
(Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
(Moderation suggestion: +30253, Insightful)
... they couldn't
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back
get parts.
(Moderation suggestion: +19052, Insightful)
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
get a prompt, type like hell.
(Moderation suggestion: +30529, Insightful)
Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
-- Julius Caesar
(Moderation suggestion: +19222, Insightful)
It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
offense consists in doubting it.
-- Justice Robert H. Jackson
(Moderation suggestion: +30933, Insightful)
Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.
(Moderation suggestion: +19386, Insightful)
"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
(Moderation suggestion: +31426, Insightful)
Everything you know is wrong!
(Moderation suggestion: +19561, Insightful)
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
(Moderation suggestion: +31748, Insightful)
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
(Moderation suggestion: +19741, Insightful)
I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
my PAJAMA POCKET??
(Moderation suggestion: +32036, Insightful)
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
(Moderation suggestion: +19903, Insightful)
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
-- Laurence J. Peter
(Moderation suggestion: +32292, Insightful)
And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
he shouted out, "YOPP!"
And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
"How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
them. No matter how small-ish!"
-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
(Moderation suggestion: +20067, Insightful)
Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
- Hellman's Mayonnaise
(Moderation suggestion: +28, Insightful)
This was the most unkindest cut of all.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
(Moderation suggestion: +20229, Insightful)
flowchart, n. & v.:
[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
(Moderation suggestion: +402, Insightful)
When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
-- S. Johnson
(Moderation suggestion: +20391, Insightful)
The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it
is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
social function of expressing true distaste.
-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
(Moderation suggestion: +692, Insightful)
When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter knob.
-- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
(Moderation suggestion: +20572, Insightful)
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
(Moderation suggestion: +975, Insightful)
Wilcox's Law:
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
(Moderation suggestion: +20768, Insightful)
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
-- Ken Thompson
(Moderation suggestion: +1404, Insightful)
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
(Moderation suggestion: +20937, Insightful)
... only much, much
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now
better.
-- Laurie Anderson
(Moderation suggestion: +1791, Insightful)
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
to erase it.
-- Glaser and Way
(Moderation suggestion: +21115, Insightful)
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
-- Hal Hickman
(Moderation suggestion: +2110, Insightful)
I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
STRANGER?
(Moderation suggestion: +21294, Insightful)
Death is only a state of mind.
Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
(Moderation suggestion: +2395, Insightful)
VI:
A hungry dog hunts best.
A hungrier dog hunts even better.
VII:
Decreased business base increases overhead.
So does increased business base.
VIII:
The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
is fifth grade arithmetic.
IX:
Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
X:
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
-- Norman Augustine
(Moderation suggestion: +21456, Insightful)
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
(Moderation suggestion: +2797, Insightful)
QOTD:
Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
-- Goodstein, States of Matter
(Moderation suggestion: +21620, Insightful)
I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
(Moderation suggestion: +3185, Insightful)
Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
(Moderation suggestion: +21782, Insightful)
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
(Moderation suggestion: +3491, Insightful)
Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
(Moderation suggestion: +21949, Insightful)
The First Commandment for Technicians:
Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
untechnician-like manner.
(Moderation suggestion: +3770, Insightful)
"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station."
(Moderation suggestion: +22112, Insightful)
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
biology.
(Moderation suggestion: +4158, Insightful)
"Ninety percent of baseball is half mental."
-- Yogi Berra
(Moderation suggestion: +22276, Insightful)
The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
and have since BIRTH!!
(Moderation suggestion: +4643, Insightful)
Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
(Moderation suggestion: +22439, Insightful)
Lowery's Law:
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.
(Moderation suggestion: +4945, Insightful)
He has shown you, o man, what is good. And what does the Lord ask of you,
but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly before your God?
(Moderation suggestion: +22603, Insightful)
"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray,
Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage
(Moderation suggestion: +5230, Insightful)
Armor's Axiom:
Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
(Moderation suggestion: +22769, Insightful)
... JUGULAR ...
I feel
(Moderation suggestion: +5506, Insightful)
Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
(Moderation suggestion: +22934, Insightful)
Vulcans do not approve of violence.
-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
(Moderation suggestion: +5986, Insightful)
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
the laundromat. This is a myth.
Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
(Moderation suggestion: +23096, Insightful)
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
(Moderation suggestion: +6390, Insightful)
Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
"I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window...
-- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
(Moderation suggestion: +23259, Insightful)
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
(Moderation suggestion: +6674, Insightful)
... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
entertainment is all about
-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
(Moderation suggestion: +23509, Insightful)
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
(Moderation suggestion: +6956, Insightful)
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
(Moderation suggestion: +23676, Insightful)
George Orwell was an optimist.
(Moderation suggestion: +7354, Insightful)
During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a fair wind; batten
down during a storm; hail all passing ships; and fly your colors proudly.
(Moderation suggestion: +23852, Insightful)
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
people refuse to see it.
-- James Michener, "Space"
(Moderation suggestion: +7751, Insightful)
Biz is better.
(Moderation suggestion: +24016, Insightful)
"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
(Moderation suggestion: +8073, Insightful)
Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
(Moderation suggestion: +24194, Insightful)
Canonical, adj.:
The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true
story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a
point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used
the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
Stallman: "What did he say?"
Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
(Moderation suggestion: +8370, Insightful)
The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
(Moderation suggestion: +24360, Insightful)
Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
-- Winston Churchill
(Moderation suggestion: +8786, Insightful)
You are going to have a new love affair.
(Moderation suggestion: +24525, Insightful)
Gnagloot, n.:
A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
impress people.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
(Moderation suggestion: +9168, Insightful)
If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
As well as by traffic and crime,
Consider how worry-free gophers are,
Though living on burrowed time.
-- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
(Moderation suggestion: +24688, Insightful)
"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
which is the exact opposite."
-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
(Moderation suggestion: +9488, Insightful)
A snake lurks in the grass.
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
(Moderation suggestion: +24865, Insightful)
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
at the stake while the votes were being counted.
-- Thomas B. Reed
(Moderation suggestion: +9781, Insightful)
But you shall not escape my iambics.
-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
(Moderation suggestion: +25108, Insightful)
... the Dragon is on ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream
the wing in the Sky
(Moderation suggestion: +10180, Insightful)
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
-- Groucho Marx
(Moderation suggestion: +25273, Insightful)
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
(Moderation suggestion: +10663, Insightful)
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-- Woody Allen
(Moderation suggestion: +25436, Insightful)
Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
(Moderation suggestion: +10988, Insightful)
... the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
(Moderation suggestion: +25601, Insightful)
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
(Moderation suggestion: +11281, Insightful)
There are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, and
those who can't. There is a constant pitched battle between the two.
(From one of the post-1.1.54 kernel update messages posted to c.o.l.a)
(Moderation suggestion: +25780, Insightful)
"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away."
(Moderation suggestion: +11557, Insightful)
MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
(Moderation suggestion: +25943, Insightful)
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
(Moderation suggestion: +12033, Insightful)
mixed emotions:
Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
With five empty seats.
(Moderation suggestion: +26107, Insightful)
Antonym, n.:
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
(Moderation suggestion: +12404, Insightful)
When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
-- David Pryce-Jones
(Moderation suggestion: +26269, Insightful)
"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
-- Napolean
(Moderation suggestion: +12690, Insightful)
When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
(Moderation suggestion: +26448, Insightful)
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
home."
-- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
Convention, 1977
(Moderation suggestion: +12978, Insightful)
to be nobody but yourself in a world
which is doing its best night and day
to make you like everybody else
means to fight the hardest battle
any human being can fight and
never stop fighting.
-- e.e. cummings
(Moderation suggestion: +26611, Insightful)
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
(Moderation suggestion: +13398, Insightful)
Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
combination of beauty and power. Few have
excelled him in the use of the English language,
or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
single poem ever written."
Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
bungling and greed of President
Roosevelt.
... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
(Moderation suggestion: +26776, Insightful)
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
(Moderation suggestion: +13786, Insightful)
To teach is to learn.
(Moderation suggestion: +26939, Insightful)
Pascal, n.:
A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
(Moderation suggestion: +14123, Insightful)
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
(Moderation suggestion: +27119, Insightful)
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
people refuse to see it.
-- James Michener, "Space"
(Moderation suggestion: +14404, Insightful)
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
(Moderation suggestion: +27282, Insightful)
Snacktrek, n.:
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
materialized.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
(Moderation suggestion: +14810, Insightful)
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
-- Charles Edward Montague
(Moderation suggestion: +27446, Insightful)
"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
name."
-- Gore Vidal
(Moderation suggestion: +15211, Insightful)
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
(Moderation suggestion: +27608, Insightful)
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
$19.95.
(Moderation suggestion: +15504, Insightful)
What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
(Moderation suggestion: +27771, Insightful)
Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also
easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
improve.
(Moderation suggestion: +15776, Insightful)
Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
And I answer them most mysteriously:
"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
-- Bob Dylan
(Moderation suggestion: +27951, Insightful)
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
(Moderation suggestion: +16186, Insightful)
**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. Tired of
being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how to be a little
phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're beginning to avoid
people? Have you touched so many people that they're all beginning to
feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? Are perfect orgasms
beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, not to express a
feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at all? Come to us. We
promise to relieve you of the burden of your great potential.
(Moderation suggestion: +28115, Insightful)
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
(Moderation suggestion: +28289, Insightful)
If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
-- T. Cheatham
(Moderation suggestion: +16961, Insightful)
The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
(Moderation suggestion: +28454, Insightful)
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
(Moderation suggestion: +17241, Insightful)
Out of sight is out of mind.
-- Arthur Clough
(Moderation suggestion: +28631, Insightful)
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.
-- Daniel Webster
(Moderation suggestion: +17511, Insightful)
What's this script do?
unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep
Hint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes you're
in a sleeping bag, camping out.
(Contributed by Frans van der Zande.)
(Moderation suggestion: +28793, Insightful)
A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
up with yesterday.
(Moderation suggestion: +17983, Insightful)
If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
-- Harry Blackstone
(Moderation suggestion: +28958, Insightful)
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
perversion."
-- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
(Moderation suggestion: +18352, Insightful)
If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a
guru at all?
-- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
(Moderation suggestion: +29126, Insightful)
The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
(Moderation suggestion: +18636, Insightful)
Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
-- Camus
(Moderation suggestion: +29292, Insightful)
... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR
I'm young
REGIONS!
(Moderation suggestion: +18920, Insightful)
Wake up and smell the coffee.
-- Ann Landers
(Moderation suggestion: +29454, Insightful)
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
(Moderation suggestion: +19332, Insightful)
Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
-- Harlan Ellison
(Moderation suggestion: +29618, Insightful)
Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
blazer.
(Moderation suggestion: +19718, Insightful)
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
-- Joseph C. Goulden
(Moderation suggestion: +29784, Insightful)
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
(Moderation suggestion: +20021, Insightful)
"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it."
-- Mark Twain
(Moderation suggestion: +29948, Insightful)
Do I have a lifestyle yet?
(Moderation suggestion: +20310, Insightful)
If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine
times out of ten!
(Moderation suggestion: +30129, Insightful)
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
(Moderation suggestion: +20723, Insightful)
There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
-- Walt Kelly
(Moderation suggestion: +30302, Insightful)
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
(Moderation suggestion: +21109, Insightful)
Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is
to a cockatoo.
-- George Bernard Shaw
(Moderation suggestion: +30465, Insightful)
...
AMAZING BUT TRUE
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
(Moderation suggestion: +21408, Insightful)
senility, n.:
The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree.
(Moderation suggestion: +30627, Insightful)
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
(Moderation suggestion: +21688, Insightful)
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."
-- Dave Parnas
(Moderation suggestion: +30887, Insightful)
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
(Moderation suggestion: +31049, Insightful)
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
(Moderation suggestion: +22077, Insightful)
Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
-- Bob "Mountain" Beck
(Moderation suggestion: +31217, Insightful)
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
child, was propounded to me by my father:
"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
whistles?"
I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
gave up.
"A herring," said my father.
"A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
"So hang it there."
"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
"Paint it."
"But a herring isn't wet."
"If its just painted its still wet."
"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
doesn't whistle!!"
"Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
hard."
-- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
(Moderation suggestion: +22554, Insightful)
Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise?
(Moderation suggestion: +31382, Insightful)
When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
metaphysics.
-- Voltaire
(Moderation suggestion: +22857, Insightful)
Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
-- Valerie Solanas
(Moderation suggestion: +31549, Insightful)
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
(Moderation suggestion: +23144, Insightful)
The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
out on the water, round. Usurper.
-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
(Moderation suggestion: +31711, Insightful)
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
-- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
(Moderation suggestion: +23414, Insightful)
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
(Moderation suggestion: +31875, Insightful)
Condense soup, not books!
(Moderation suggestion: +23894, Insightful)
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
(Moderation suggestion: +32038, Insightful)
The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
"Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
-- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
(Moderation suggestion: +24258, Insightful)
Johnson's law:
Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
(Moderation suggestion: +32223, Insightful)
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
-- Arlo Guthrie
(Moderation suggestion: +24540, Insightful)
IBM:
[International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
(Moderation suggestion: +32386, Insightful)
Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
(Moderation suggestion: +24847, Insightful)
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
(Moderation suggestion: +32550, Insightful)
A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more
Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
(Moderation suggestion: +25292, Insightful)
This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered
french toast in the renaissance.
- Steven Wright, comedian
(Moderation suggestion: +32725, Insightful)
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
(Moderation suggestion: +25707, Insightful)
My brain is my second favorite organ.
-- Woody Allen
(Moderation suggestion: +144, Insightful)
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
-- Matthew 5:37
(Moderation suggestion: +26069, Insightful)
To be awake is to be alive. -- Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden"
(Moderation suggestion: +324, Insightful)
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World
War II!
(Moderation suggestion: +26366, Insightful)
Variables don't; constants aren't.
(Moderation suggestion: +487, Insightful)
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
(Moderation suggestion: +26783, Insightful)
/earth: file system full.
(Moderation suggestion: +27157, Insightful)
The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
-- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
(Moderation suggestion: +813, Insightful)
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
-- Hilaire Belloc
(Moderation suggestion: +27459, Insightful)
Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
seized this one for the fair form
that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
seized me so strongly with delight in him,
that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
Love brought us to one death.
-- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
(Moderation suggestion: +983, Insightful)
"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove."
(Moderation suggestion: +27726, Insightful)
Above all things, reverence yourself.
(Moderation suggestion: +1146, Insightful)
... early and often!
Chicago, n.:
Where the dead still vote
(Moderation suggestion: +28105, Insightful)
Dime is money.
(Moderation suggestion: +1310, Insightful)
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
use to oneself.
-- Oscar Wilde
(Moderation suggestion: +28617, Insightful)
The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
(Moderation suggestion: +1473, Insightful)
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
(Moderation suggestion: +28916, Insightful)
Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the
window.
(Moderation suggestion: +1653, Insightful)
To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
-- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
Phones?"
(Moderation suggestion: +29207, Insightful)
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
-- Carl Sagan
(Moderation suggestion: +1817, Insightful)
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
-- Bertold Brecht
(Moderation suggestion: +29492, Insightful)
Never give an inch!
(Moderation suggestion: +1982, Insightful)
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
(Moderation suggestion: +30021, Insightful)
Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being.
(Moderation suggestion: +2145, Insightful)
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
and dying broke.
-- Stanley Walker
(Moderation suggestion: +30369, Insightful)
Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
"and some cigarettes."
(Moderation suggestion: +2307, Insightful)
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
(Moderation suggestion: +30667, Insightful)
Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
-- Henri Estienne
(Moderation suggestion: +2474, Insightful)
UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
mistake!!!
(Moderation suggestion: +30950, Insightful)
This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.
(Moderation suggestion: +2638, Insightful)
"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
University of Tennessee at Knoxville
(Moderation suggestion: +31714, Insightful)
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do
you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
(Moderation suggestion: +2800, Insightful)
Man, n.:
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which,
however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole
habitable earth and Canada.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
(Moderation suggestion: +32094, Insightful)
Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
(Moderation suggestion: +2964, Insightful)
Coronation, n.:
The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
(Moderation suggestion: +32377, Insightful)
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
they make a law it's a joke.
-- Will Rogers
(Moderation suggestion: +3131, Insightful)
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
(Moderation suggestion: +32662, Insightful)
Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
Mental Anguish. You would sue:
* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
in there".
* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
cretin like yourself.
* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
a large cash settlement anyway.
-- Dave Barry
(Moderation suggestion: +3325, Insightful)
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
(Moderation suggestion: +328, Insightful)
Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
-- Muad'dib [Frank Herbert, "Dune"]
(Moderation suggestion: +3498, Insightful)
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
always spell better than they pronounce.
-- Mark Twain
(Moderation suggestion: +768, Insightful)
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
(Moderation suggestion: +3667, Insightful)
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
(Moderation suggestion: +1065, Insightful)
Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
-- Winston Churchill
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
satisfying as an income tax refund.
-- F.J. Raymond
(Moderation suggestion: +3917, Insightful)
Oregon, n.:
Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
night.
(Moderation suggestion: +1360, Insightful)
We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
-- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
(Moderation suggestion: +4084, Insightful)
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
(Moderation suggestion: +1809, Insightful)
"I've seen the forgeries I've sent out."
-- John F. Haugh II (jfh@rpp386.Dallas.TX.US), about forging net news articles
(Moderation suggestion: +4250, Insightful)
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
-- Jules Feiffer
(Moderation suggestion: +2217, Insightful)
comment:
A superfluous element of a source program included so the
programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according
to those who think they aren't.
(Moderation suggestion: +4425, Insightful)
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
(Moderation suggestion: +4590, Insightful)
Great minds run in great circles.
(Moderation suggestion: +2867, Insightful)
Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
(Moderation suggestion: +4769, Insightful)
..."
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
keys
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for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
(Moderation suggestion: +3287, Insightful)
A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
he is able to answer.
-- Ronald Colman
(Moderation suggestion: +5105, Insightful)
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
(Moderation suggestion: +3716, Insightful)
Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
-- Mae West
(Moderation suggestion: +5274, Insightful)
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
(Moderation suggestion: +4054, Insightful)
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
-- Wilson Mizner
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I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
(Moderation suggestion: +4377, Insightful)
C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
(Moderation suggestion: +5620, Insightful)
... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
(Moderation suggestion: +4811, Insightful)
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
-- John Keats
(Moderation suggestion: +5789, Insightful)
Randel, n.:
A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
for farting at a friend.
-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
Preposterous Words
(Moderation suggestion: +5955, Insightful)
... And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man
-- A. E. Housman
no posts in over 3 hours.... looks like they fixed it