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Sally Struthers Asks You to Save the Dot-Coms
warland writes "Right now, all over the world, dot-coms are suffering. All that is needed is someone who will look into the eyes of a needy dot-com and say, "Yes, I will help." Someone like you."
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And then they came for the people with no sense of humor.
:)
:\
Oh, wait, that's you?
Lighten up. It's not like we don't know the Holocaust was a serious event or anything. A little humor never killed anyone.
BilldaCat
Here is a test example.
Old Way:
Bob and sally open up a lemonade stand and sell cups of a secret recipe of yellow liquid handed down for generations at 25 cents a pop, with a profit of about 17 cents per cup. Bob and sally save that profit and before long are able to put their savings into a small local store front where they sell lemonade and cookies and turn a small profit. After a while people decide the the unique flavor of lemonade and the unmatched goodness of cookies provided by Bob and Sally can no longer be hidden from the rest of the state -- and a state wide franchise is started....followed soon by Bob & Sally Worldwide. Bob & Sally retire at age 60 with a nice big bank account.
New Way (Internet Age):
Bob and Sally want to start a world wide lemonade and cookie distribution network...as soon as they can find some VC to finance the idea that the world will love the yet untested coolness of their yet undetmined product. After a year of struggling to convince the world to purchase their product online (koolaid and oreo's) for a price comparible to that of ones local grocery store...Bob and Sally having recentlly burned through a couple of million of VC, and after having gone public 6 months earlier on the idea that the general public (at least the "plugged in" general public) had never tried the unique combination of KoolAid and Oreo's...Bob and Sally are left with stock proces less than $1 a share, and they are bleeding red...and they wonder what went wrong..
Hmmm....
(+1 Funny) only if I laugh out loud.
Customer: I wish to register a complaint about this stock, what I purchased not half hour ago from this very brokerage.
Broker: Oh yes, the Dot-Com, what's aah, what's wrong with it?
Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Broker: No, no, 'e's ah... he's strategizing.
Customer : Look, matey, I know a dead Dot-Com when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Broker : No no, h-he's not dead, he's, he's strategizin'!
Customer : Strategizin'?
Broker : Y-yeah, Strategizin.'
Remarkable stock, the Dot-Com, isn't it, eh? Beautiful website!
Customer : The website don't enter into it. It's stone dead!
Broker : Nononono, no, no! 'E's
strategizin!
Customer : All right then,
if he's strategizing, I'll wake him
up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Dotty! Mister Dot-Comie! I've got a lovely fresh IPO for you if you wake up, Mr. Dot-Com...
Broker : There, he moved!
Customer : No, he didn't, that was you sending out a press release!
Broker : I never!!
Customer : Yes, you did!
Broker : I never, never....
Customer : 'ELLO DOTTAAAAAAAY! DOTT-EE! DOT-COM! WAKE UP!
TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR ANNUAL REPORT!
DOT-EEEEEEE!
Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Broker: No, no.... No, he's reorganizing.
Customer : REORGANIZING?
Broker : Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Dot-Coms stun easily, major.
Customer : Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That Dot-Com is
definitely deceased, and when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that
its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long
martket expansion.
Broker : Well, he's... he's, ah... probably developin' a patent portfolio.
Customer : DEVELOPIN' a PATENT PORTFOLIO? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall
flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Broker : The Dot-Com prefers kippin' new marketin strategies! Remarkable stock, isn't it, guv, eh? Lovely website!
Customer : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that stock when I got
it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on the market in
the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Broker : Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that stock down, it
would have nuzzled up to those markets, bent 'em apart with its little B2B sales force, and VOOM!
Customer : "VOOM?"
Customer : Look matey, this stock wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand venture capitalists through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Broker : It's not! I-It's patenting!
Customer : It's not patenetin,' it's passed on! This company is no more! It has ceased
to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late stock! It's a stiff!
Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him up with venture capital he would be
pushing up the daisies! Its business processes are of interest only to historians!
It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's run down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an F*CKED-COMPANY!
Broker : Well, I'd better replace it, then.
Arrogance is Confidence which lacks integrity. -- me
between a .com VC and a pigeon?
The pigeon can still leave a deposit on a BMW.
[this joke is 100% recycled humor from the '87 crash]
try { do() || do_not(); } catch (JediException err) { yoda(err); }
Um, you mean Tears For Fears right?
That's probably why I forgot. Even the name of the band sucked. But thanks for the info (I probably could have found it if I looked in the jacket on the CD anyway).
Bite my yammer.
So what. I bitched myself down to 125. Only 75 more to go before I reach equilibrium.
If tits were wings it'd be flying around.
> Accepted: a poor takeoff on www.fuckedcompany.com.
News flash: Nerds like to laugh, too.
Not all news reports have to detail bad and horrible things that are happening in the world, you know.
Lighten up. I think it's good that Slashdot isn't totally a doom-and-gloom site. You want that, go flip open a newspaper sometime.
First they came for the Boos,
but I did not speak out,
because I did not shop there.
Then they came for the free-www-providers,
but I did not speak out,
because I had a cable modem.
Then they came for the petstores,
but I did not speak out,
because I did not own a pet.
Then they came for the movie sites,
but I did not speak out,
because I was busy boycotting Hollywood.
Then they came for VA Linux and Slashdot,
and there was no one left to speak for me.
BilldaCat
--
Uh, why not just have a user-customized threshold of -1 for stories for the whiners in question?
IT's always amazed me how many of those startups could never succeed in any way to begin with. Think .. selling overpriced silvery running shoes on the web. Think .... group buying ... let's group and get huge rebate on a VCR the 20 of us, when your average supermarket is buying millions at a time and will certainly never get such a huge rebate ... Think ... let's make a portal, it will only be the 58454th on the market.
--
"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free." -- Goethe
The fact is that much of our back-slapping and pride in having built the internet is - well, not delusional exactly, but let's face facts, we are NOT the ones making big money from the Web. In my company the PR and marketing people, and the strategic-level suits, are the ones making real money. Oh, of course, we're well paid by the standards of the 'normal' economy; but let's not kid ourselves that this is anything but the suits tossing us whatever relatively minor rewards it takes to keep us at the twelve-hour days.
"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free." -- Goethe
Yeah, you're probably right. I've only been playing instruments since I was about seven, and now have in my experience:
1. Violin
2. Viola
3. Cello
4. Guitar
5. Upright and electric bass
6. Saxophone
7. Piano
8. Harmonica
9. Trumpet
10. Drums
And I've basically absorbed every bit of music I can stomache. Needless to say, the bullshit that's on the radio very rarely impresses me. So if I don't like Tears For Fears, yeah, your probably right, I don't know much about music or anything else. Thanks for clearing that up for me. Now I feel that my life is complete.
Bite my yammer.
the one career out of the list that stuck out in my head was "Gun repair". Sally Struthers advertising for GUN REPAIR careers? What about the childeren?
there were a lot of *us* working 80 hour weeks and to unreasonable deadlines with relatively poorer salaries in the vain expectation that the stock options would eventually pay off. After all, we all knew, or knew someone who knew, someone who cashed in big on stock options and retired with millions in his or her early 20s.
While we yuk and guffaw at the suits watching their paper castles crash to the floor, remember that for each of these there was a back room where techs worked underpaid 12 hour days to support these 8 hour day clowns who were most certainly NOT underpaid.
I never benefited from the dot com boom. Am I bitter? Slightly. Do I celebrate the demise? Not really. Yeah, it's hubris, but a lot of people got crushed. Especially investors who bought high on margin.
--- Jump!! Fire!! Bullet time!! - Lego version of the Matrix
They just emailed me to say they think they fixed it. Apparently, we /.ed them ....
...
Oh well
--- Will in Seattle - What are you doing to fight the War?
Where Your Vote Should Go
great comedy company.
I was walking down the street just the other day when Dot Com came up to me and said... "Big Issue Sir?"
Every morning I drive by drkoop.com and think about how they could use just a few pennies out of your pocket. They have nothing but a heartless, uncaring highway passing them by while their stock price is left out in the cold, without even the simplest of convienences, like fresh running espresso. Abandoned by investors, they are reduced to begging for venture capital at the highway intersections of US 183, holding up heart-wrenching singns with slogans such as "WILL PORTAL FOR T1 FEED" and "HOMEPAGELESS, PLEASE GIVE, GOD BLESS". Is this some third world country? No, this is happening RIGHT HERE, in AMERICA. A mere three dollars a share can get them back on the road to recovery. Won't you please see it in your hearts to give to those in need?
--
"Open source is good." - Steve Jobs
"Open source is evil." - Microsoft
I feel I should give something back to the Internet community, so I have reached a decision: I will lend my internet and economical expertise to any dot-com startup who cares to ask, and all I ask in return is one small thing: control of the
Think about it...
Michael
...another comment from Michael Tandy.
"Goodness me, how unlike the FBI to abuse the trust of the American public." -- The Onion
Shoot them now. Put them out of their misery.
Start with Amazon
My intention wasn't to impress. My intention was to make clear that music is one thing that I do know quite a bit about. While I'm not about to claim I'm perfect, when someone attacks one of the things that truly is important to me, I will point out how wrong they are. Although I'm sure no one here believes it. God forbid someone on slashdot be taken at the word, especially not when someone willing to give a real email address is trying to prove something to an AC. God knows, the AC has to be right.
Bite my yammer.
Of course, the whole thing generated a marketing storm that shoked the existing industry and lit the box office on fire. Can't blame their marketing department for trying to resurect the idea. Even if its an old one.
If done correctly, the entire IPO might be tax deductable.
I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.
Just imagine how pissed Bill's going to be when his accountant tells him his charitable donation to Corel isn't tax deductible.
What's a sig?
RhetoricalQuestion.com is one of these dot-coms in need of your help.
Our e-comm concept of having people pay us to intentionally not answer their questions has not paid off.
Our writers, in frustration, no longer spend their days ranting on the site, but go off and rant FOR FREE on slashdot.
Only you can make a difference.
If you'd prefer to donate to us directly, please email your VISA or Mastercard number to who@rhetoricalquestion.com
I can spell. I just can't type.
This one sucked. It wasn't funny, it didn't have anything useful to say, and it just didn't deserve to be a story on slashdot like yours did.
I mean, for goodness sake(this is off-topic, sue me) but creating false information news sites as "action news six" is a sick, sad thing to do. Or does anyone care if they are lied to anymore?
-Ben