Bonsaikitten Eaten By Carnivore

Two nuggets from the FBI today - this: "Freedom of speech apparently doesn't apply to some topics. Take cute animals, for example. If it had been BonsaiSloth.com, we probably wouldn't seeing this." And this: "It seems that the FBI is changing Carnivore's name to "DCS1000" apparently because it 'made the system sound like a predatory device made to invade people's privacy'. I'm sure a snide remark about "truth in advertising" fits here."

Comments

Spider kitten

[BSOD Bitch]

I have recently learned the art of the Bonsai Kitten taught to me by my grandfather Tai Mai Choo. This method has allowed me to develop many of my own.

My primary method is what I call the Spider Kitten. In this method, the kittens' feet are tied with four nylon strings. The end of each string is streched to a point in which 4 small 5 foot high posts reside. There are four posts total; for each leg. The kittens' paws are tied to each of these posts for a period of 3 weeks. However, you must tighten the strings a little each day to avoid the legs from growing above the kittens' heads'. Proper feeding is required. After the 3 week period is up, the kitten is set free.

We have sucess fully grown kittens with legs up to 48 inches per leg. The cat can now almost stand face to face with it's master. It is a very painless process for the kitten. And I hope these cats will be adored and loved in your home.

WARNING: These kittens are NOT recommended to people with large quantaties of furniture. This is due to the fact that these kittens have an unusual way of marking their territory with their claws.

We also recommend that you keep these kittens on a leash, for the tend to run very fast, and are hard to catch.

Re:Sigh...

[Fervent]

Kleinbottle.com is real. The structures that they sell aren't true klein bottles, but they're as close as you can come in three dimensions. Great gifts.

Yes, nothing says to your girlfriend "your sexy" like giving her a Klein bottle for Valentine's Day.

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Carmack is an elitist, pseudonerd bastard.

Bah!

[Fist Prost]

Here's one that's already ready already:
Squirrel Fishing.

Fist Prost

"We're talking about a planet of helpdesks."

Re:Bullshit...

[MrGrendel]

These people certainly have the right to post whatever they want on the web, regardless of its poor taste, so long as there is no real animal cruelty going on (I suspect there isn't). This isn't really a matter of offending people, though, and they aren't being investigated for simply being offensive. I'm guessing that many of the people who think this site is funny think so because it is outrageous to the point of being unrealistic. Unfortunately, many of us have personal experience with people who have actually done outrageous things like this to animals. When you know people who would take this kind of site seriously, but think it's a clever idea for a new method of torture rather than offensive, then this isn't quite so funny. It also isn't obvious that this is a complete fabrication rather than sick people bragging and joking about their animal torture exploits.

I grew up in a small town where people didn't just make off-color jokes about flaming cats being thrown off bridges, some of them had really done it. Two guys who had dowsed a cat in gasoline, lit it on fire, and threw it off a 300 foot bridge were caught (they bragged in public) and eventually sentenced to 6 months (the max). Two years later they were both convicted for murder after breaking into a farm house and raping, torturing (for over a day), and killing the occupants. I knew people who bragged about beating cats in burlap bags with baseball bats. A friend had a cat that returned home one night with a plastic bag over its head, tied at the neck. It was hacking up blood and died on the way to the vet. The people responsible for that also thought it was pretty funny and got quite a few laughs out of it. People like this really would try to grow a cat in a jar if they were a little more creative.

Now, after that rant, let me say it again: if this is just a joke, they have every right to offend me with it. I don't have to look. But it is not at all obvious to me that this is entirely a joke, and for that reason it warrants investigation.

My Cats will bloody well climb into anything...

[Bonker]

Jeez... anybody with cats know that they'll get into any container, no matter how big, just to see what's inside!

Why do you think there's such a problem with people accidentally killing their pets by locking them in the fridge or the dryer?

This is a funny site, that pokes much needed fun at breeders and collectors alike. If you *don't* get it and think this guy needs to be punished, then you have obviously never owned a cat.

Re:My Cats will bloody well climb into anything...

[TandyMasterControl]

I don't think the guy "needs to be punished" but I am sort of glad that the FBI would take this seriously as a interstate crime if real. I went to the site having seen a link to it through eightball (or something) I cringed, I felt nauseous and I realized- after a while of reading- that it had to be a joke. Hopefully. 99% positive. And though it continue(s,d) to disturb the hell out of me, I resolved not to lose any sleep over it. That's the end of it. For me.
But that's not the way the FBI works. They made the usual inquiries about the website's operator just doing their job even though I am sure the investigators had already arrived at a conclusion that this was a hoax and that no real conspiracy to harm animals existed. But that isn't the end of their interest, because although the MIT student was not serious about this horrible "practice" some of the people coming to the site were. The FBI would be interested in people who seriously requested more information from Bonsaikitten, Inc. on the "product". Such people may be just following a joke out a little further than the average person, or they may themselves be engaged in real interstate traffic in controlled animals, illegal animal products, or mistreated animals.
And if so I want them caught and punished.
Of course there is always an On the Other Hand to that - the FBI may become suspicious of people who are not mistreating animals but who are merely weird, the kind of person who might leave a prospectus or brochure for BonsaiKitten on their coffee table, the way someone might have a collection of Angola State Prison Rodeo Programs in their office. Not sick but just possessed of a sick sense of humor. And whatever associated weirdnesses they engage in, may fall under inordinate suspicion from the Bureau next year.
Moreover, someone who asked for Bonsai kitten literature may not prove to be hurting animals at all, but they could be the kind of person -so Bureau logic could go- more likely to be involved in drug trade of the herbacious and hallucinatory kind, or more likely to be involved in kitty pr0n. By their online behavior they are self-selecting themselves for Jedgar's disproportionate scrutiny - just by visiting a "suspect site" and not fleeing in horror like good citizens. As the inventor of profiling methodology at the Hoover Institute for Inspecting People's Underwear used to explain: to identify arsonists you have local law enforcement take pictures of the crowds that show up at good-sized fires. The arsonists are the ones urinating in their pants or beating off with their hands in their pockets. They didn't start this fire perhaps, and maybe they've never started any dangerous fire yet, but they'll be the guys responsible for the next ones. No doubt using this method they will catch some arsonists and some kitty mistreaters. But some of the people identified here and now as future suspects of future crime in this way may actually just have been fishing for their keys, or were sprayed by the firetruck. These people could possibly suffer real consequences for crimes only imagined to have happened by the secret police.

And yeah back to one of your points, many cat breeders need to be forced into mason jars themselves. I'd request more info on that!

The Right Wing America has won people.

[SpanishInquisition]

Now the government wants to prevent you from watching pussies.

(and eating meat is bad if I understand well)

Bullshit...

[Karma Sink]

Snopes had a page on this not too long ago, and I'be been watching it ever since... There are a goodly number of groups that are trying to fight this. All of them are fucking ridiculous, but what can you do.

If you want a place to troll the fuck out of, I highly suggest This message board, a group devoted to the love of kitties, and how bonzaikitten.com is evil, how would they like to be stuffed in jars, etc...

It's fucking ridiculous. It's exactly what was said in Farenheit 451... Society got to the point where we couldn't offend anyone, the Irish, Jewish, Cat-lovers, Dog-lovers, etc, etc... Until finally, we had to censor everything, and everything had to turn to tapioca bullshit just to make everyone happy.

Fuck that. This site is fucking hilarious, and needs to stay.

Better Proof for "People are Stupid in Masses"?

[portege00]

...I can't think of a better example myself. It's almost amusing and at the same time sad to see how people feel that jokes like this are somehow real and/or enourage others to commit acts of cruelty

If you're sick enough to put cats in a bottle, then I seriously doubt you were of sound mind and judgement before you saw this web site. If you actually believed this was real, then you're gulliable. People, come on, lighten up.

It's almost ironic how pictures of people being beaten, tortured, brutally killed, and dead on autopsy tables can be readily found on the Internet, but put a fake picture of a kitty on a bottle up and you've got hell. This is a very clear indication of the backward priorities and lack of critical thought our society possesses.

Offensive, but protected

[bnenning]

I'm a big cat person. I like them, and they for the most part like me. I get along with them much better than, say, human beings. This site is not funny at all to me, and I can easily understand why people are upset about it. Having said that, I must defend their right to publish this material. There is no right not to be offended, and any law that prohibits mere depictions of animal cruelty is blatantly unconstitutional (much like the fake kiddie porn law).

Of course, this assumes that there is no actual cruelty occuring. If that is not the case, then an appropriate punishment for those responsible would involve a locked room and several hungry tigers.

This beats any /. troll

[sparcv9]

These guys trolled the FBI! I came across the Bonsai Kitten site a while ago, and just by reading the text, I was able too see that this site was a joke. The massive amounts of hate mail this site gets (which was also funneled to a mailing for site fans to read) is just indicative of how many stupid and/or gullible people there are surfing the Web. But for the FBI to take this site seriously, that is just an embarrassment.

I heard DCS1000 stands for...

[VValdo]

Disguised Carnivore System

Ie, I'm not going to let them get away with that name change.

W
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Sigh...

[kaphka]

Count the FBI among the many visitors to bonsaikitten.com who are anything but amused at the descriptions of how to use muscle relaxant, feeding tubes and Klein bottles to shape a perfect Bonsai Cat.

For those of you who aren't clued in (i.e. the FBI and Wired, apparently,) Klein bottles cannot exist in our universe. That kinda makes it unlikely that they are being used to abuse kittens.

Er, since I'm addressing the humor-impaired, I should probably point out that http://www.kleinbottle.com is a joke as well.

Re:Sigh...

[AaronStJ]

Er, since I'm addressing the humor-impaired, I should probably point out that http://www.kleinbottle.com is a joke as well.

Err, are you sure. His website makes it fairly clear that he really is selling Klein bottles:

Are you serious, or is this some kind of joke?

I do sell glass Klein Bottles. I fill orders quickly and guarantee satisfaction. Over a hundred presumably happy mathematicians now own my Klein Bottles.

He explains all about the topology of a klein bottle, admits that what he makes aren't klein bottles in the truest sense, but merely a 3d immersion of a klein bottle. I'd have to say that you're wrong, this guy really is seelinf klein bottles. And he even accepts paypal.

Re:Sigh...

[Detritus]

Three dimensional version of a moebius strip.

See this page.

Sentiment in literature

[blonde rser]

Salinger sights R. H. Blyth's definition of sentimentallity as "when we give to a thing more tenderness than God gives to it." Salinger's example is then given as "God undoubtedly loves kittens, but not, in all probability, with Technicolor booties on their paws."

(try not to get too caught up in the word God... this does not have to be a religious statement) Basicly all I'm trying to say with Salinger's words (because he does have the ability to be a lot more straight forward than myself) is that when it comes to kittens many people lose the ability to observe things rationally. But before you judge these people too hard think if you do the same thing yourself. Did Pay it Forward "move" you? Or did you believe that Traffic was a "powerful" movie?

If so then you have fallen for the same crime. Pay it Forward seemed to move you because it kills a child in the last 5 minutes which the audience responds to with sentiment. And Traffic associates itself with a very important argument but in itself does not have a strong plot, characters, or pasing but because we see strength in the argument we see strengths in the movie which simply aren't there. All I'm trying to point out is that we all show a lack of objectivity at times when it comes to sentiment but that doesn't mean we should be chastized for it. Ofcourse there are those who will over react to images of kittens so lets point out their error and move on. And maybe we can even learn from their mistakes.

Ofcourse if they try to defend themselves then we can flame them.

Re:Guestbook fun

[peccary]

Didn't you recognize the guestbook entry by the esteemed ex MIT professor, Dr. Lirpa? Dr. Lirpa has made a great number of breakthroughs, including in the field of hydrodynamics, audiodynamics, political theology, and aerodynamics, among others. Dr. Lirpa is not a force to be trifled with.

it's funny. period.

[thex23]

This is from the bonsaikitty.com site:

At only a few weeks of age, a kitten's bones have not yet hardened and become osseous. They are extremely soft and springy. In fact, if you take a week-old kitten and throw it to the floor, it will actually bounce! We do not recommend that you try this at home. The kitten may bounce under the furniture and be difficult to retrieve, as well as covered in unsightly household dust

I actually laughed out loud when I read this. I mean, come ON! How stupid do you have to be not to see this is a joke? Could it be any more deadpan?

And I don't for a second buy the argument that parody invites people to harm their pets. The REAL problem with pets these days are owners who don't take care of them properly, let them get hurt, breed indescriminately, and generally treat them as poorly as they treat their human pets, er.. children.

I found cat-drowing scenes in the movie Gummo to be truly disturbing, but I didn't for a SECOND think that the film should be banned and the producers brought to trial. How ridiculous!

The animal rights people can't develop a functioning sense of humour, they should at least be a little more tolerant.
The FBI needs to get a fucking grip.

We thieves, we liars, we vandals, and poets. Networked agents of Cthulhu Borealis.

Re:I do hope that was a parody

[Skyhawk_Dreamer]

No it is not a parody. It is called "satire". But regardless if you have never heard this term, I'm really trying to get a handle on the degree of stupidity necessary for one to truely believe the US Government issues Kitticulture Permits for the express purpose of "shaping" kittens by inserting them into Klein jars that have no opening using a shoehorn. Is the government secrety contaminating the water again?

Remember back in your younger days when we all had to read A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift, http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html where the author proposes the solution of cooking and eating Irish babies? There was no indication that this was a "satire" making fun of lessor proposals at that time to deal with the Irish "problem".

I suggest learning what satire is, and how it has been used in literature, art, and media for ages. The Bonsai Kitten site makes fun of those who wish to twist, shape, and modify nature to suite our whims and convenience - even our vanity!!