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Perl Mongers Perl Magazine
howardjp writes: "The Perl Mongers have announced that they are starting a new magazine called The Perl Review (not to be confused with the literary journal Pearl). Its first issue was published on 1 February in PDF-only format, but the article 'Extreme Publishing' describes the process by which they plan to expand. With The Perl Journal's future still somewhat in doubt, this is welcome news."
i am SO powerful! my penis is HUGE!
visit the hwky website for a lyrical genius infusion.
Yes, dear people, it's like that, who did not want to travel to the US sometimes and do it anally there? Indeed, everyone has played several times with this thought already.
Many may be deterred now by intensified controls at the airports before flights with US airlines. These would be extremely well suited to benefit during the flight from hard anal sex.
You may also ask yourself now, what else the USians do, apart from having anal parties? Jaaa, they plug their US flags into their anuses! After that some of them have been astonished, why the stars are suddenly brown instead of white! Oh shit, the USians then cry, and launch a few F-16s to demonstrate they can also do it at supersonic speeds... and from behind!!
This inventor spirit is unique in the world and should be rewarded with a heavy load in the ass. But nevertheless, not here in Germany; why, such a ripped apart USian is a disturbance, and only available to people over 18. In the sales compartment behind the curtain, of course. For the real fanatics there is the same model also with a swastika, tattood on the balls, if there still are some. And who hasn't experienced an anal orgasm yet? If not, dial into the Telekom network and ask behind the backdoor of the dragon around the corner!
Happy holidays, and keep your eggs warm, it's Easter time soon!
--hb
Human Resources Representative: Good afternoon, Stuart.
Stuart: Hi.
HR: As you may have heard, we have been conducting interviews with certain personnel lately. In the current economic climate, our company is looking to reduce costs wherever possible. This may also, unfortunately, include "right-sizing" in certain departments head counts. In order to be absolutely fair, we are giving the persons whose positions are being considered for right-sizing the opportunity to justify their current positions worth. Do you understand?
Stuart: You're going to fire me?
HR:No, Stuart. "Right-sizing" is not about firing people. Based on your answers to a few questions, your departments head count will be evaluated. This may include shifting of positions and responsibilities, adjustments to salaries, and in some cases individuals may be released from employment. Does this help you understand?
Stuart: I guess so...
HR: Alright, lets begin. According to our files, your present position is Unix Systems Administrator, is that correct?
Stuart: Uhh, yeah.
HR: And what responsibilities, in your view, does your position entail?
Stuart: I administer to the Unix systems, which includes 4 GNU/Linux Samba servers, 8 load-balanced GNU/Linux Apache web servers, and a FreeBSD firewall... Hey, if you're looking to fi.. err, "right-size" somebody, why don't you look at the two NT admin guys? After all, they have much less experience than me; they're just a bunch of paper MCSEs, which just means you memorized a bunch of stuff and passed a test. They don't have any real admin experience, like with a GNU/Linux system.
HR: We'll get to that in just a moment. In what ways would you say your expertise is vital to the continued operation of these servers?
Stuart: Well, I know just about everything there is to know about GNU/Linux and the associated operating system utilities.
HR: Mmmhmmm. In this email from the director of IS, he tells me that the company is considering the elimination of Linux from the environment in order to lower our TCO -- total cost of operation, I think? No, total cost of ownership. He says we are considering replacing these servers with Windows 2000 Advanced Server, running IIS 5. What do you think about this?
Stuart: That's a stupid idea. Winbl... err, Windows is extremely difficult to administer. You have to keep up with new security patches coming out every 2 hours, and on top of all that you have to deal with the Blue Screen of Death every day, and Microsoft charges you like 500 bucks every time you call them.
HR: So Windows is much harder to administer than Linux?
Stuart: That's right. As a matter of fact, if you just got rid of the Microsl... err, Microsoft boxen, you could replace them with GNU/Linux and save some money on the licenses right there.
HR: Explain this to me. If Windows is so difficult to administer, why are the NT administrators able to support twice as many servers, given their limited "real world" experience, and the fact that they are only "paper MCSEs"?
Stuart: Err, they're probably just not doing their job. After all, my FreeBSD box has a 279 day uptime. Their Microsh... err, Microsoft boxen are up and down every week because of security patches.
HR: Yes, the FreeBSD firewall is an interesting topic. We had an outside security consultant come in, and he found that the FreeBSD firewall had not been patched for a vulnerability in a program called "Open SSH". The NT servers were up-to-date on patches, and properly secured. In addition, a large proportion of helpdesk tickets are called in because of issues with the Samba file servers. How do you respond to this?
Stuart: What? Gaah, the OpenSSH exploit was only a local root exploit!! There's no reason to take down a server with almost 300 days uptime to patch it!! And those people just have problems because they are running Windows 2000 on their PCs!! Microsoft deliberately changed the SMB standard to cripple open source competitors!! If the users weren't so obsessed with using their Outlook calendars and their Powerpoint presentations, they could just use Mandrake or something with StarOffice, and everything would be fine!!
HR: There's no reason to get excited, Stuart. These are just questions we have to ask. Now, given that you say Linux is far easier to administer than Windows, is there any reason to believe that if we bring on another NT administrator, he or she would be unable to support the Linux and BSD systems until they get migrated to Windows 2000?
Stuart: No... err, YES. It is easier, but... they just wouldn't understand!! There is a lot you have to know!! It's not just all point and click and all that kiddie stuff!!! It's really hard, you have to be able to compile kernels and edit conf files!! They couldn't do what I do!!!
HR: OK, Stuart, I can understand your anxiety. We'll move away from that subject. Now, is there any possibility that you see for us to use your skills in another position? For instance, would you be interested in earning your MCSE to become a junior administrator when we roll out the new Windows 2000 servers?
Stuart: NO!! I DON'T USE THAT MICROTRASH!! IT'S NOT LIKE I'M INTERESTED IN GETTING A BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH EVERY 2 SECONDS AND SPENDING THE REST OF THE TIME LISTENING TO STUPID USERS ASKING IDIOT QUESTIONS. OPEN SOURCE DOES EVERYTHING I NEED IT TO.
HR: Well, that tells us just about everything we need to know. Stuart, your input is of course appreciated, and we will be taking all your comments under advisement. Your department head will be contacting you soon to let you know about any change in your employment status. Thank you for your time.
Stuart: BYE. <slams door>
It was bought by CMP, the same folks behind Sysadmin, so things are very much stable. http://www.tpj.com
--
# Canmephians for a better Linux Kernel
$Stalag99{"URL"}="http://stalag99.net";
I can see wealthy jewelry aficionados buying this magazine and wondering why there aren't any pictures of pearls, and why people keep misspelling "pearl".
-- Dan
The Perl Mongers have announced
that they are starting a new
magazine called The Perl Review
(not to be confused with the
literary journal Pearl, or pearls,
the precious white stones found
deep in the ocean, or Minnie Pearl
(Eddie Vedder's grandmother), or
the color pearl, or the alternative
rock group Pearl Jam, or Pearl the
drum company, or...).
If you celebrate Xmas, befriend me (538
inteligent writing is hard to find in general, and so this is very welcome news.
"It is a greater offense to steal men's labor, than their clothes"
Oh, and mod this howver the fuck you want. My karma's shot to hell anyways. If it drops below zero, I'll just register a new name.
Fuck you all (no, I'm not bitter, just horny),
Dupperisky
You filthy muslim, I demand that you SUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Yes, dear people, it's like that, who did not want to travel to the US sometimes and do it anally there? Indeed, everyone has played several times with this thought already.
Many may be deterred now by intensified controls at the airports before flights with US airlines. These would be extremely well suited for anyone wanting to benefit during the flight from hard anal sex.
You may also ask yourself now, what else the USians do, apart from having anal parties? Jaaa, they plug their US flags into their anuses! After that some of them have been astonished, why the stars are suddenly brown instead of white! Oh shit, the USians then cry, and launch a few F-16s to demonstrate they can also do it at supersonic speeds... and from behind!!
This inventor spirit is unique in the world and should be rewarded with a heavy load in the ass. But nevertheless, not here in Germany; why, such a ripped apart USian is a disturbance, and only available to people over 18. In the sales compartment behind the curtain, of course. For the real fanatics there is the same model also with a swastika, tattood on the balls, if there still are some. And who hasn't experienced an anal orgasm yet? If not, dial into the Telekom network and ask behind the backdoor of the dragon around the corner!
Happy holidays, and keep your eggs warm, it's Easter time soon!
--hb
The linux-fag gets the boot, and the NT heroes get the raise! I LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING!!!
Yes, dear people, it's like that, who did not want to travel to the US sometimes and do it anally there? Indeed, everyone has played several times with this thought already.
Many may be deterred now by intensified controls at the airports before flights with US airlines. These would be extremely well suited for anyone wanting to benefit during the flight from hard anal sex.
You may also ask yourself now, what else the USians do, apart from having anal parties? Jaaa, they plug their US flags into their anuses! After that some of them have been astonished, why the stars are suddenly brown instead of white! Oh shit, the USians then cry, and launch a few F-16s to demonstrate they can also do it at supersonic speeds... and from behind!!
This inventor spirit is unique in the world and should be rewarded with a heavy load in the ass. But nevertheless, not here in Germany; why, such a ripped apart USian is a disturbance, and only available to people over 18. In the sales compartment behind the curtain, of course. For the real fanatics there is the same model also with a swastika, tattood on the balls, if there still are some. And who hasn't experienced an anal orgasm yet? If not, dial into the Telekom network and ask behind the backdoor of the dragon around the corner!
Happy holidays, and keep your eggs warm, it's Easter time soon!
--hb
My nigger and I'll paint him any color I want.
Perl is dead...
Except for those lifeless geeks that have nothing else the 'latch' onto in their feeble useless lives.
Yes, dear people, it's like that, who did not want to travel to the US sometimes and do it anally there? Indeed, everyone has played several times with this thought already.
Many may be deterred now by intensified controls at the airports before flights with US airlines. These would be extremely well suited for anyone wanting to benefit from hard anal sex during the flight.
You may also ask yourself now, what else the USians do, apart from having anal parties? Jaaa, they plug their US flags into their anuses! After that some of them have been astonished, why the stars are suddenly brown instead of white! Oh shit, the USians then cry, and launch a few F-16s to demonstrate they can also do it at supersonic speeds... and from behind!!
This inventor spirit is unique in the world and should be rewarded with a heavy load in the ass. But nevertheless, not here in Germany; why, such a ripped apart USian is a disturbance, and only available to people over 18. In the sales compartment behind the curtain, of course. For the real fanatics there is the same model also with a swastika, tattooed on the balls, if there still are some. And who hasn't experienced an anal orgasm yet? If not, dial into the Telekom network and ask behind the backdoor of the dragon around the corner!
Happy holidays, and keep your eggs warm, it's Easter time soon!
--hb
poopie butts
penis pot pie
Yes, dear people, it's like that, who did not want to travel to the US sometimes and do it anally there? Indeed, everyone has played several times with this thought already.
Many may be deterred now by intensified controls at the airports before flights with US airlines. These would be extremely well suited for anyone wanting to benefit from hard anal sex during the flight.
You may also ask yourself now, what else the USians do, apart from having anal parties? Jaaa, they plug their US flags into their anuses! After that some of them have been astonished, why the stars are suddenly brown instead of white! Oh shit, the USians then cry, and launch a few F-16s to demonstrate they can also do it at supersonic speeds... and from behind!!
This inventor spirit is unique in the world and should be rewarded with a heavy load in the ass. But nevertheless, not here in Germany; why, such a ripped apart USian is a disturbance, and only available to people over 18. In the sales compartment behind the curtain, of course. For the real fanatics there is the same model also with a swastika, tattooed on the balls, if there still are some. And who hasn't experienced an anal orgasm yet? If not, dial into the Telekom network and ask behind the backdoor of the dragon around the corner!
Happy holidays, and keep your eggs warm, it's Easter time soon!
--hb
3
5
2
6
78
4
6
478
9
2
8
3
8
2
7
32
8
3
6
3
8
2
2
9
21
78
4
2
3
3
7
8
1
7
9
23
984
8
5
3
76
8
47
3
4
78
5
8
2
8
3
7
4
22
8
9
4
674
Take note of the contest at the end: convert a base 36 number to base 10 in an interesting way (ie, short, clever, etc). Sounds like an interesting challenge.
Ceci n'est pas un post
I thought now that TPJ was a supplement to SysAdmin magazine, it's future wasn't so cloudy. I've only gotten one bundled issue so far but I think it's doing all right.
But another Perl mag is fine by me.
And I must say, Brian Foy's obsession with how his name is typeset gets old really fast.
Awsome troll. It must be the work of egg-troll.
I suspect that over time this effort will die and Perl.com will become the de facto route for publishing articles that perl users need to read.
You can't mention Perl anymore without someone saying, "You should be using Python instead" (the opposite is true, too, I guess). It seems to me that there is a much smaller Python community, for what is a rapidly growing userbase. There are few O'Reilly Python titles when compared to Perl (although that's not exactly suprising since Larry, you know, works there and stuff).
Is it merely that larger-scale Python stuff is under the average Perl user's radar, or is there just not a lot of Python "media"?
ZOMG I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS ON MACINTOSH VERSUS WINDOWS, VI VERSUS EMACS, AND HOW YOU'RE NOT A DORK
+1, funny, +1 true
What do you all see here?
It's not just the folks behind Sysadmin, it's been folded into Sysadmin. And I was disappointed with the resulting magazine, at least what I've seen of it so far. It just didn't seem to have the depth and quality of the old TPJ. In fact, my sub is now up for renewal, and I decided not to spend the money for another year -- even though I'm not at all a penny-pincher and subscribe to *lots* of magazines and for-fee services. I just didn't see it providing any real value in its current form.
"Biped! Good cranial development. Evidently considerable human ancestry."
That gibberish equals glorious ascii characters. You are now the official maintainer of the kernel source. Use your powers for good, not evil!
This magazine should be pretty easy to write for! I can code in perl with one step:
:)
/dev/urand > perlmagazine.txt
Two builders from New Zealand, called Phil and Mick, are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says
"I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go".
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end and balance it"
"Are You sure Mick?"
"Yep, no worries mate"
"100 %?"
"YES!"
So out goes Phil to take a piss, but before he's finished the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank.
Phil of course, is a goner.
Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a New Zealander are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective Nations chase women the hardest.
Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates trying to crack on the Sheila's!"
Pierre, the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We French shase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affecktion. Eet eez us for sure"
Bob the New Zealander sits laughing "No no, you blokes are both wrong. The other month I was walking past a building site in New Zealand followingt these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this NZ builder came plummeting from the top of the high rise building with his dick in his hand screaming:
"CUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTTT!!!"
Since it has been folded into SysAdmin, TPJ has pretty much sucked. 2 or 3 articles, once every 3 months is really sad. I appreciate what Jon Orwant and others have done, but TPJ is not what it used to be.
I wish Perl Mongers success with their efforts.
I would like to have a magazine covering
more scripting languages. besides Perl and Python
it should also focus on Ruby, my favourite langauge. Ruby is becoming more and more popular and I think it has the potential to become the Number 1 scripting language within the next 5 years. and Perl and Python will also continue to grow. (the losers will be C/C++ and maybe also Java/C# because they are not very productive languages as are most languages which are compiled seperately). so a magazin covering Ruby, Perl, Python and maybe PHP would be a great thing for many programmers out there.
is that it does not use my favorite ASCII character nearly enough "~".
this is why am i creating a fork off of perl where the only valid variable name, function name or module name is "~".
Not freebies that are sent to you "for a limited time only" for the last 2+ years. Actually bought from a shop.
For me its... well not since the internet ramped up from a technical articles perspective about 5 years ago. Why destroy trees or have a big "lump" every month when an incremental approach gets you back to the site every day or so, gives you the ability to search for old articles.
PDF ? Paper ? Lets be radical, join the 1990s and USE A WEBSITE.
An Eye for an Eye will make the whole world blind - Gandhi
See the perl golf tournament on the base 36 problem at perlmonks.org.
"sweet dreams are made of this..."
This is not redundant. Grow up, moderators.
It's hard work pimping your own parents, but at least I can afford my subscription to Red Carpet now.
"Why did they cancel my favorite Sci-Fi show? I downloaded ALL the episodes!"
Rob Malda's Wild "Open Sauce" Geek Adventure by Metrollica
Summary:
Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda finds out just how interesting an "open sauce" Linux geek's life can really be.
Warning:
Contains sex between members of the same sex. If this subject matter offends you whatsoever DO NOT continue reading.
Contains information of Rob Malda and other geek's personal life which may or may not be true.
Cast of Characters:
Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda [CmdrShithead] - Creator of the popular Microsoft bashing technology website Slashdot
Jon "Rat Bastard" Katz - Rat bastard who just won't quit his job at Slashdot
Michael Sims - Linux homo-geek
Timothy Lord - Linux homo-geek
Linus Torvalds [Linux Toreballs] - Creator and hacker of the Linux kernel
Richard Stallman [Dirty Bearded GNU Hippie] - Pioneer of the open source movement and GNU project
Steve Ballmer - Chief Executive of Microsoft
Bill Gates - Chairman of Microsoft
Jamie McCarthy - Linux homo-geek
Alan Cox [Anal Cocks] - Linux kernel hacker
Jeff "Hemos" Bates [Homos] - Linux homo-geek
Robin "Roblimo" Miller [Roblowme] - Linux homo-geek
Jonathan "CowboyNeal" Pater [CoiboiKneel] - Linux homo-geek
Mrs. Malda - Very affectionate mother of Rob and user of Windows
Part 1 - Section 1
Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda sat back in his chair gently massaging his cock late on a Friday night. He was flipping through the latest issue of the Geek House porn catalog, contemplating which video he was going to buy next. The jerk-off factor of each video decreased after a few weeks, so he had to continually update his collection.
Malda often spent late night hours at his Slashdot office like this. The rest of the Slashdot crew always thought he was working late improving Slashdot; he was notoriously slow in finishing the next Slashcode revision. Or doing work on the latest Slashdot story submission. The Slashdot crew thought correctly that Malda had no personal life.
"Hmmm, should I get 'Killer Cumshots' or 'Ass Eating Insanity'? Or maybe I...Ooohhh..." moaned Malda when he turned the page to the all-boys section; his cock throbbing with lust. "OK, how about 'Hung Uncut Hunks', 'Babes with Balls', and 'Chix with Dix', you little freak," he said to his cock as he started to pump it a little harder. He reached for the lube in his bottom drawer, slathering his hand and cock with the slippery stuff. He closely examined each small picture on the page. He especially liked the really muscular young guy in 'Boot Camp Boys'. Oh, to run his hands up and down that smooth, muscular stomach as he knelt in front of him, pulling that huge cock into his mouth...
Malda arched his back and groaned as he came, shooting cum all over his desk and keyboard. He slumped back down into the chair as his breathing slowed to normal. "I'm definitely going to order 'Hung Uncut Hunks' and 'Boot Camp Boys'."
After a few minutes he pushed his cock back into his pants and wiped up the lube and cum with some tissues. This had become a nightly ritual as far back as he could remember. Probably even before Jon Katz's time. Malda wondered if that old rat bastard would ever quit his job at Slashdot.
"I wonder if any of these videos star brunettes with green eyes?" Malda said thoughtfully as he flipped back through his catalog. "Or petite redheads?" He chuckled as he looked at the ad for 'Clit Licking Lezzies'.
Malda then started to daydream about Michael Sims and Timothy Lord 69'ing each other. "Not again," he groaned as he leaned back to pull his erection out of his pants. He got into a great rhythm. The subjects of his daydream morphed from two homosexual men to two other homosexual men--Richard Stallman and Linus Torvalds sucking each other's cocks.
"Yeah, that's it. That's it!" he panted, imagining himself sliding deftly in between those two geek hunks. He wanted nothing more than to be on his hands and knees sucking Stallman's cock with Torvalds fucking his ass.
"Uh...uh..." whimpered Malda; he could feel the cum ready to explode out of his cock when the door to the office slammed open and heavy footsteps, belonging to 2 people, pounded on the floor. Before he could cry out or even identify the intruders a heavy, black hood was shoved over his head and he was hauled roughly to his feet.
Part 2
*Damn. What the hell was I doing with my back to the door?* Malda thought angrily, kicking himself mentally. He had swivelled his chair to face the wall to give himself more room for the urgent thrusting his raging hormones had screamed out for and now he was paying the price for his lack of self-control.
"Hey, can we talk about this?" he pleaded before an open hand to the side of his head convinced him to be silent. His silent assailants manouvered him away from his desk, positioning him in the small space between the desk and open door.
His hands were pulled behind his back and secured with soft leather cuffs. One gloved hand brushed his neck, a leathery thumb carressing his neck, finding the exact spot that caused spasms of pleasure to ripple through his body.
A heavy thump sounded to his right, followed by the rusty squeal of a zipper. He sensed someone kneeling next to him, could feel warm breath on his still exposed cock. Noises of items being removed from what he guessed was an army style duffel bag fired his imagination, setting in motion a hundred and one images from his fantasy filled brain.
His pants were unzipped and pulled down along with his 'Star Wars: The Phantom Menace' boxers, drawing a snicker from the two men in the room. Once he was naked from the waist down, he was startled to feel cold liquid being sprayed on his feet and legs and then his feet lifted one at a time into what felt like vinyl boots. No...more like a wet-suit, slick and body-hugging. The body suit was worked slowly upwards, with more lubricating oil applied to ease the journey.
When his legs were fully covered, more scented oil was applied liberally to his cock and balls, before they too were enveloped in a tight vinyl sheath. He felt the nozzle of the spray bottle placed gently between his buttocks, inserting a large dollop of grease inside his anus. He tried to impale himself on the intruder, to gain release form the mounting pressure in his balls, but firm hands on his hips held him still, denying him what he needed most.
The nozzle was removed and quickly replaced by a medium-sized butt plug, not big enough to hurt or tear him, but enough to stretch and fill him. Then the suit was quickly rolled up his backside, holding the plug firmly inside of him.
He had an idea who his mysterious assailants might be and since they had yet to cause him harm, he put up no resistance to their preparations. Indeed it was as if they had read his thoughts, had climbed inside one of his favourite fantasies and were recreating it for him and only him.
As the dressing continued, Malda grew very relaxed and peaceful, the oil warming against his skin, congealing to pull the body suit even tighter, until he could no longer tell where his flesh ended and the material began. His exposed flesh was massaged by the sprayer, alternating between feather-light fingertip touches and whole hand carresses, before the oil was applied and then the slick vinyl covered another inch, creeping upwards at a steady rate, like some form of living creature. He didn't even remember when they removed his shirt and tie so they could fit his arms into the tight sleeves.
However he did begin to panic when he felt the vinyl reach his throat, certain that they would continue until he was fully encased in shiny black, unable to see, to breathe, to call out. The hood was claustrophobic enough, the full mask he envisioned them using was utterly terrifying.
He must have been visisbly shaking with fear, for he was suddenly embraced from behind and in front, sandwiched between two strong, solid bodies. Two rigid erections pressing against him, soothing whispers in his ears, comforting him, letting him know that he was not in danger.
And then the hood was removed and Malda felt his erection deflate as he stared at the naked, pasty-white body of Steve Ballmer.
Part 3
"Damn," Malda muttered, not even wanting to look at who was behind him. "What are you doing here bothering me?" he whined.
"Shut up, Malda," Ballmer said as he grabbed the upper flaps of the suit to shake Malda. "Who did you expect? A certain kernel hacker? Torvalds ain't here, but Bill Gates is," he said as he nodded to Gates standing behind Malda.
Malda turned to look, and saw that Gates was completely naked already. He looked very strong, barrel-chested and stocky, like a heavyweight boxer. Gates took hold of Malda's suit to turn him around. He had waited for this moment for a couple of years now, ever since Malda created Slashdot.org, running crude editor biased stories on Microsoft.
"Malda, listen to me - and DON'T interrupt," Gates said as Malda opened his mouth to protest. "You caused Ballmer and I a lot of trouble and embarrassment these past years. And frankly, you'd been nothing but trouble the whole time you have been running Slashdot. I'm not like Torvalds - I don't put up with that kind of crap. If they give me trouble, I put them in their place immediately. Isn't that right, Steve?" Gates asked.
"Yes, sir."
"And how do I enforce discipline, Steve? How did I handle that little incident you and I had last week?"
"You fucked me, sir," Ballmer replied.
"What was that?" Gates asked.
"You fucked me like I deserved to be fucked," Ballmer said quietly, averting his eyes from Malda's inquiring gaze.
"That's right. You screw me over, or my company, and you get screwed. Literally. I've only known one person who never got punished the way he deserved. Do you know who that is, Malda?" Gates shook Malda to punctuate his remark.
"Uh, me, sir," mumbled Malda, already dreading where this was going.
"That's right. And do you know why you never felt my wrath, Malda?"
"No, sir."
"Because of that damn Linux geek culture backing you up! It seems they had plans for you - I think sex slave comes closest to explaining it. It was going to be the ultimate reward for your efforts to destroy Microsoft by making you a lovely, obedient sex slave."
"Really?"
"This is payback time. And, I figured since poor little Ballmer here suffered quite a bit from Slashdot as well, I thought he should get a little compensation too. He's turned out to be quite the tip-top chief executive - it only took a couple of ass-fucks on top of my desk to improve his performance."
"I don't think Torvalds would appreciate you treating his friends this way," said Malda in a desperate attempt to save himself.
Gates shook Malda violently. "Don't mention that man's name in my presence again! The only thing that would have made this evening turn out perfect was to have Torvalds here. You see, we had plans for him too." Gates pointed to another vinyl suit, much like Malda's, spilling out of the duffel bag.
"Ballmer, get the gag."
"Yes, sir," replied Ballmer as he picked up the second duffel bag. He pulled out a gag that had a short but thick dildo attached to it. He brought it over to Gates. Malda didn't say a word; he watched Ballmer in mute fascination.
Gates took it and was about to shove it into Malda's mouth, but he stopped.
"I've changed my mind. Steve, take off the suit." Gates grabbed Malda by what little hair he had and pushed him back onto his desk. Ballmer unzipped the suit and peeled it off of Malda. Gates held Malda's arms down once they were free of the suit. "Get the handcuffs."
Ballmer removed a pair of leather cuffs from the bag. "Cuff Malda's arms behind his back," Gates said as he flipped Malda over. Ballmer attached the cuffs. Gates grabbed Malda by his hair and dragged him off the desk until he was kneeling down, naked and still shiny from the spray.
Part 4
"Malda, it's time that you started making your apologies to Ballmer. Steve, you can lean against the desk." Gates took Malda's head and pushed it into Ballmer's crotch. "Malda, I'm only going to tell you this once. You will give Steve the best cock-sucking he has ever had, or we're going to put you back in the suit and make an example out of you to all the other open source advocates. You got that?" Gates asked, shaking Malda's head.
"Yeah, I got it," grumbled Malda. Suck Ballmer's cock! Ugh. After his great fantasies of Torvalds and Stallman, to be faced with the reality of the little pink worm in front of him - it was too disappointing.
"Do it!" demanded Gates.
"Ok, ok, don't shout," Malda said as he moved forward to get comfortable.
Malda tentatively ran his tongue up the length of Ballmer's still-soft cock. Ballmer let out a little moan and put his hand on Malda's head. His cock began to swell as Malda continued to lick up and down the shaft. Once it stood straight, Malda took the length of into his mouth. He couldn't believe he was doing this. His own cock even began to swell as he attacked Ballmer's cock more hungrily. Fully erect it wasn't half bad - he might get through this night after all. Of course Ballmer had to ruin it by talking.
"I have dreamed about this moment Malda. The thought of you on your knees in front of me, servicing me! And I'm going to have a momento of this occasion too," he said pointing to Gates who was videotaping the whole scene.
Malda tried to pull back to protest, but Ballmer grabbed his head with both hands and began to fuck his face. Malda stunned himself by getting into the rhythm as Ballmer let go of his head. Malda let go of the cock, ran his tongue down the underside, and onto and around Ballmer's balls.
"Wow, you're really getting into this, ain't you Malda? You like it? You like to suck cock?" said Ballmer as Malda returned to deep throating his cock.
"No wonder Torvalds wanted you to be with the open source Linux community," Gates said. "He didn't want to lose such a good cocksucker."
"Shut up," said Malda as he let go of the cock for a moment.
"Ooohh, I'm going to cum!" cried Ballmer as he started to jerk his hips forward.
"Malda, stop!" yelled Gates. "Steve, blow your wad on your chest and stomach!"
"What?!" cried Ballmer.
"Just do it!"
"OK!" Ballmer grabbed his cock from Malda's mouth, gave it a few quick jerks, and shot his cum all over his torso. He continued to finger the head of his cock as his breathing slowed.
"Why did you want me to do that?" Ballmer asked.
"Malda, I want you to lick Steve's chest clean."
"No!" yelled Malda, attempting to stand up. Gates grabbed his hair and shoved him back down.
"You heard me! Do it!" He shook Malda's head again.
"Stop doing that! That really hurts!"
"Obey me then."
Malda shot Gates a deadly look, then turned his attention to Ballmer. Ballmer half-sat on the desk, his chest and stomach dripping cum. Malda shuffled his way forward and started quickly licking.
"I said slowly," growled Gates from behind the video camera.
Malda slowed down, running his tongue over Ballmer's stomach. His own cock was beginning to throb as he thought about what he was doing. He lingered on Ballmer's navel, then slowly worked his way up. The final bit of cum was on the left nipple; he took a long time cleaning that area off, nibbling and licking at the nipple for a while. He couldn't believe he was doing this! And with Ballmer! When he finished, he sat back on his ankles, looking down at his own erection.
"It looks like you really liked that Malda," Gates said softly as he walked over to Malda. He wrapped his fingers in Malda's hair, pulled his head back, and began to kiss Malda. At first Malda resisted, but he soon found himself returning the kiss, running his tongue inside the Gates' mouth, savoring the flavor.
"Gates?"
"Yeah, Steve," replied Gates after slowing withdrawing from Malda's mouth.
"You need to see this."
"What is it?" Gates said as he turned around. Ballmer was pointing to to a nudist magazine that was partly obscured by the numerous skin mags on Malda's desk. Keeping his pudgy fingers firmly entwined in his captive's thick hair, Gates used his free hand to pull the magazine off the desk. It fell open to a well used page, the small amount of text partially obscured with dried cum. It was a centerfold showing a scene which immediately fired Gates's sadistic imagination and his anger that he was not the focus of the altered picture.
*That can soon be amended,* he thought.
"So, you're into all that back-to-nature crap, Malda?" Gates sneered, holding the triple-length centerfold up to reveal all its artistic glory. "Grown men dancing naked around camp-fires, chanting gibberish and banging their drums before fucking each other senseless?"
Malda's face turned red as he saw what picture Gates was referring to.
"I am a horse's ass," he muttered, hanging his head to hide his humiliation. He had doctored the picture with old archived photos he had found of Torvalds, Stallman, and himself on Google. He had pasted face shots of his two lovers to the muscular bodies of the Tarzan-like male models posing around the bonfire. They were on their knees in dutiful worship at the base of his throne, gazing up at him in utter adulation, ready and willing to cater to his every whim. *Why couldn't it be like that in reality, why was he the one who lived only to serve his masters, no matter what they required of him* Only in the late night privacy of his deserted office did he allow himself to fantasize the situation reversed, never having the courage to demand equality in the very one-sided relationship he shared with Linus and Richard.
"Did I give you permission to speak?" Gates barked, backhanding Malda across the face and sending him crashing to the floor.
"No." Malda struggled to rise to his knees, not looking at either of his captors, sending a silent plea for rescue to his lovers and his partner.
Out of the corner of one eye, Malda saw Gates raise his hand to deliver another blow and knew what he was waiting for. "No, Sir."
The blow came anyway but somehow he managed to stay upright, his vision blurred and teary.
"Call me Master, boy and maybe you won't have to warm Steve's bed tonight."
Malda looked up to see Ballmer eyeing him lustfully and he almost threw up at the prospect of being fucked by the weasel who had tried to destroy his open source advocacy group.
"Yes, Master."
Ballmer was clearly upset that Malda had chosen to obey his new Master rather than allow himself to be his sex-toy for the night. He brushed up against Gates, rubbing himself on the older man's body like a bitch-in-heat.
"But you promised he would be mine for the whole night..."
Gates swatted Ballmer aside like an annoying blowfly, focusing his attention on how they could get Malda out of the building without raising unwanted attention. He walked over to where the duffel bags lay on the carpet and upended the largest one, spilling its contents.
"Gag him, Ballmer and put him in the bag," he ordered with a malicious gleam in his dark eyes.
Before Malda could react, Ballmer shoved the dildo-gag into his mouth, securing the leather straps painfully tight. He gripped Malda under the arms and hauled him to his feet and over to the canvas coffin. A swift kick to his shins soon had him lying on his side, his lanky legs folded up so that his chin rested on his knees. He quickly secured Malda's ankles with duct tape and drew the sides of the bag up and over the captive. He was about to zip up the body-bag when inspiration struck and he shoved his smelly underwear and socks into the bag.
Gates was busy jerking himself off over Malda's 'Got Root?' ThinkGeek t-shirt when he heard an embarrassed cough. He turned to find Ballmer struggling to lift the bag off the floor. Not even trying to hide his disgust, he stormed out of the office, returning minutes later with a large wheely-bin. He laid it on the floor on its side and together they managed to cram the duffel inside and lift the bin upright. They shared a satisfied smile as they heard Malda groaning in his upside-down position.
"Come, boy. Let's take out the garbage."
Malda tried desperately to wriggle around so that he was somewhat upright and had almost succeeded when a series of violent bumps jolted his rapidly bruising body. It took a few long seconds before he realized what was happening. At 6pm all the elevators automatically shut down, leaving the stairs as the only way of moving from floor to floor. His captors were doing little to smooth the wild ride he was experiencing and Malda tried to concentrate on how he would exact his revenge when he got himself out of his present predicament.
Part 5
After what seemed like hours, his journey resumed on level ground. He could hear the muffled sounds of cleaners and other people moving around and conversing, but there was nothing he could do alert them to his dilemma.
A few minutes later and the bin came to a halt as he heard Gates address someone, but he couldn't decipher what was being said. However he heard Ballmer when the lid was lifted up and something hot landed on his upturned backside, something that quickly began to burn through the canvas of his prison.
The stench of a cigar quickly filled the confined space of the bin and then the sizzle of a lighted match caused Malda to scream with all his might.
The duffel bag was on fire.
"You idiot!" roared Gates as he ran for the fire extinguisher hanging on the wall. "You damn well knew he was in there!" Ballmer was struggling to get the bin onto its side so he could pull Malda out.
Gates succeeded in putting out the fire, and he and Ballmer pulled a weakly struggling Malda out of the duffel bag.
Inside the duffel bag Malda was trying to calm himself down. He could barely breath in his hysteria because of the gag in his mouth.
Malda started struggling again as he felt hands trying to pull him out of the bag.
"Malda, stay still," an indistinct voice said. "We'll never get you out of there if you keep squirming."
Malda managed to stay still long enough to be pulled free of the duffel bag. He couldn't get his eyes to focus yet, but he felt someone release the gag. He sat gasping for air, on the edge of crying. It had finally dawned on him that he was free from the fire, and he began sobbing.
"Malda, it's ok. The fire is out," Richard Stallman said as he pulled Malda over to his chest to hug him. "You'll be fine. I'll take care of you."
Malda groaned when he heard his voice. Richard!
When Malda calmed down, he lifted his head off of Richard's chest and looked around. He saw that Gates and Ballmer had been trussed up; they were lying face down on the pavement. A pudgy, pasty white skinned figure in ThinkGeek clothing stood over them brandishing an iPaq stylus.
"Good job, Jamie McCarthy," said Stallman.
"I hope your closed source henchmen find you before some open source geeks do!" Richard Stallman called out to Gates and Ballmer as he grabbed Rob Malda passionately around the waist and ran off with him.
Part 6
Being alone now Rob fell into Stallman's strong arms, inhaling the musky scent of his lover, one of beer, nuts, and B.O. He found the other man's mouth and attacked with fury, forcing the lips apart so he could push his tongue deeply inside. He wanted to taste and feel every part of his lover he could. This seemed only like a dream to Malda, because only in his dreams did Richard let him take control, to be the hunter and not the prey. His tongue worked its way deep down Richard's throat until they were both gagging and had to break apart.
"Come, Rob. Let's get you home." Richard said and grabbed Malda's arm and led him over to the biggest motor-cycle Rob had ever seen. A shiny silver and chrome Harley Davidson stood in the moonlight, it's powerful engine purring like a lion.
Richard took a long leather coat out of one of the saddle-bags and put it on, leaving Rob shivering in the cool night air. He climbed onto the seat, his muscular legs straddling the machine and opened his coat in invitation to Malda.
"Well, aren't you going to move forward, Richard?" He asked.
"No. This is your seat right here, my little Robling." Richard patted the tiny area of seat in front of him. His cock was rock hard and at attention just waiting for Rob. "My little 'Freddy' is cold. It's your job to keep him warm."
Malda considered his options, decided he didn't have any and climbed onto the bike, lowering himself onto Richard's huge cock, silently thanking Gates and Ballmer that he was lubricated and stretched. When Richard started the bike, the vibrating engine against his cock and balls almost sent him over the edge.
Stallman saw how close his pet was to releasing his seed over the machine he had spent all afternoon washing and polishing and pulled a small metal ring from one of his pockets. He slipped it over his lover's cock, smiling at the groan of frustration that the action caused.
He pulled the coat around both of them encasing them in its fur lined warmth and steered the bike out of the parking lot and onto the highway.
Malda felt as if he was trapped somewhere between heaven and hell. Richard's cock stretching and filling his anus was ecstasy, sending ever greater waves of sweet pleasure surging through his body, warming him up from the inside out, from the tips of his toes to the top of his head.
The road they were on was smooth and well maintained except for the occasional pot-hole or gravel patch. Richard did nothing to avoid these hazards. Instead he deliberately rode over them which would momentarily lift Rob up a fraction only to slam him down on the massive cock with enough force to cause him to cry out and arch his back against Richard's chest, driving them both crazy with lust and desire.
Rob had to use both hands just to hold onto Richard's legs during the wild ride. He felt his lover snuggle up behind him, his gloved hands roaming his back and neck, sliding around to pinch sensitive nipples which soon hardened into little pebbles.
*If Richard's hands are doing what my brain tells me they are, then who the hell is steering this thing?*
"OH SHIT!!!!!!!"
He realized the answer and grabbed the handle bars just before they came to a tight left curve that was at the top of a long, steep cliff. Having never ridden a motorbike he almost oversteered which would sent them crashing to their deaths down a deep narrow canyon. Luckily no vehicles were coming towards them so he had the whole two lanes to correct his mistake.
Richard gave no sign of realizing how close they had come to death, just hugging his lover tighter and pressing passionate kisses into Rob's neck. The adrenaline rush was amazing, the fear and desire that he could smell flowing of Rob only heightened his own senses and he longed to ravage his co-rider more than just the kisses and caresses he was bestowing.
Confident that Rob had control of the bike, Richard placed his hands on Rob's hips and drew him upwards so that the cold wind rushing by bathed most of Freddy. To his credit, Rob didn't take his eyes of the road, allowing Richard to move him up and down, off and onto his cock with ever increasing force, ramming and slamming his arse onto his cock, over and over until both men were sweating profusely and Rob was shaking with the incredible need for release. Richard had come a couple of times, depositing his seed deep inside Rob, feeling it coat his cock and drip out of his lover's rectum to pool in the coat. He scooped some up with one hand and after removing the cock ring, smothered his lover's cock and balls.
They were on a long, flat stretch of road with no cars visible for as far as the eye could see. Tall ancient trees grew along both sides of the highway. Deer and rabbits appeared at the side of the road, staring into the bike's powerful headlight before scampering back into the forest.
"Take my glove off, love, so I can make you feel real good."
Rob gripped the soft leather in his teeth and pulled, revealing Richard's long slim fingers. He spat the glove out of his mouth and took two fingers into his mouth suckling and nibbling and licking, like a babe at its mother's breast.
Just the thought of Richard's hands on his genitals was almost enough to push him over the edge, but the reality was a thousand times better than any of his fantasies. The hand was withdrawn and he felt its wet warmth envelop his balls, first one and then the other. His cock was totally ignored, letting him know that this was not going to be a quick jerk session. Instead it was turning out to be a infuriatingly slow seduction, designed to drive him crazy. He wanted to direct Richard's touches where he needed the most relief but Richard squeezed one ball savagely hard when he took a hand of the handle bar.
"Uh uh, Rob. Just sit back and enjoy the ride." He felt Richard's warm breath in his ear, his moist tongue flicking out to suck the lobe.
"Please, Richard. I can't take this much longer." Malda pleaded, though he knew it would not have any effect on Richard's plans.
"C'mon. It's only been half an hour. You've lasted much longer. You can last all night and tomorrow if that's what I want." Richard placed his thumb on the tip of Rob's cock, tracing tiny circles around the head, knowing it would drive his lover crazy.
"But I've been like this for hours with Gates and Ballmer."
Rob was sobbing in frustration now, tears streaming down his face and obscuring his vision. He was certain that he would never ejaculate again, that he would be kept trapped in this hell for the rest of his life. He didn't see the oil slick up ahead, and even if he had, he lacked the knowledge of how to control the huge machine. As soon as the front tire hit the slick, the bike slid sideways, sending them into a terrifying spin, one that took them careening towards the edge of the cliff. He felt Richard try to regain control, but it was too late, and then men and machine, leather and metal, were airborne.
Continued in Section 2
Rob Malda's Wild "Open Sauce" Geek Adventure by Metrollica
Summary:
Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda finds out just how interesting an "open sauce" Linux geek's life can really be.
Warning:
Contains sex between members of the same sex. If this subject matter offends you whatsoever DO NOT continue reading.
Contains information of Rob Malda and other geek's personal life which may or may not be true.
Cast of Characters:
Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda [CmdrShithead] - Creator of the popular Microsoft bashing technology website Slashdot
Jon "Rat Bastard" Katz - Rat bastard who just won't quit his job at Slashdot
Michael Sims - Linux homo-geek
Timothy Lord - Linux homo-geek
Linus Torvalds [Linux Toreballs] - Creator and hacker of the Linux kernel
Richard Stallman [Dirty Bearded GNU Hippie] - Pioneer of the open source movement and GNU project
Steve Ballmer - Chief Executive of Microsoft
Bill Gates - Chairman of Microsoft
Jamie McCarthy - Linux homo-geek
Alan Cox [Anal Cocks] - Linux kernel hacker
Jeff "Hemos" Bates [Homos] - Linux homo-geek
Robin "Roblimo" Miller [Roblowme] - Linux homo-geek
Jonathan "CowboyNeal" Pater [CoiboiKneel] - Linux homo-geek
Mrs. Malda - Very affectionate mother of Rob and user of Windows
Part 1 - Section 1
Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda sat back in his chair gently massaging his cock late on a Friday night. He was flipping through the latest issue of the Geek House porn catalog, contemplating which video he was going to buy next. The jerk-off factor of each video decreased after a few weeks, so he had to continually update his collection.
Malda often spent late night hours at his Slashdot office like this. The rest of the Slashdot crew always thought he was working late improving Slashdot; he was notoriously slow in finishing the next Slashcode revision. Or doing work on the latest Slashdot story submission. The Slashdot crew thought correctly that Malda had no personal life.
"Hmmm, should I get 'Killer Cumshots' or 'Ass Eating Insanity'? Or maybe I...Ooohhh..." moaned Malda when he turned the page to the all-boys section; his cock throbbing with lust. "OK, how about 'Hung Uncut Hunks', 'Babes with Balls', and 'Chix with Dix', you little freak," he said to his cock as he started to pump it a little harder. He reached for the lube in his bottom drawer, slathering his hand and cock with the slippery stuff. He closely examined each small picture on the page. He especially liked the really muscular young guy in 'Boot Camp Boys'. Oh, to run his hands up and down that smooth, muscular stomach as he knelt in front of him, pulling that huge cock into his mouth...
Malda arched his back and groaned as he came, shooting cum all over his desk and keyboard. He slumped back down into the chair as his breathing slowed to normal. "I'm definitely going to order 'Hung Uncut Hunks' and 'Boot Camp Boys'."
After a few minutes he pushed his cock back into his pants and wiped up the lube and cum with some tissues. This had become a nightly ritual as far back as he could remember. Probably even before Jon Katz's time. Malda wondered if that old rat bastard would ever quit his job at Slashdot.
"I wonder if any of these videos star brunettes with green eyes?" Malda said thoughtfully as he flipped back through his catalog. "Or petite redheads?" He chuckled as he looked at the ad for 'Clit Licking Lezzies'.
Malda then started to daydream about Michael Sims and Timothy Lord 69'ing each other. "Not again," he groaned as he leaned back to pull his erection out of his pants. He got into a great rhythm. The subjects of his daydream morphed from two homosexual men to two other homosexual men--Richard Stallman and Linus Torvalds sucking each other's cocks.
"Yeah, that's it. That's it!" he panted, imagining himself sliding deftly in between those two geek hunks. He wanted nothing more than to be on his hands and knees sucking Stallman's cock with Torvalds fucking his ass.
"Uh...uh..." whimpered Malda; he could feel the cum ready to explode out of his cock when the door to the office slammed open and heavy footsteps, belonging to 2 people, pounded on the floor. Before he could cry out or even identify the intruders a heavy, black hood was shoved over his head and he was hauled roughly to his feet.
Part 2
*Damn. What the hell was I doing with my back to the door?* Malda thought angrily, kicking himself mentally. He had swivelled his chair to face the wall to give himself more room for the urgent thrusting his raging hormones had screamed out for and now he was paying the price for his lack of self-control.
"Hey, can we talk about this?" he pleaded before an open hand to the side of his head convinced him to be silent. His silent assailants manouvered him away from his desk, positioning him in the small space between the desk and open door.
His hands were pulled behind his back and secured with soft leather cuffs. One gloved hand brushed his neck, a leathery thumb carressing his neck, finding the exact spot that caused spasms of pleasure to ripple through his body.
A heavy thump sounded to his right, followed by the rusty squeal of a zipper. He sensed someone kneeling next to him, could feel warm breath on his still exposed cock. Noises of items being removed from what he guessed was an army style duffel bag fired his imagination, setting in motion a hundred and one images from his fantasy filled brain.
His pants were unzipped and pulled down along with his 'Star Wars: The Phantom Menace' boxers, drawing a snicker from the two men in the room. Once he was naked from the waist down, he was startled to feel cold liquid being sprayed on his feet and legs and then his feet lifted one at a time into what felt like vinyl boots. No...more like a wet-suit, slick and body-hugging. The body suit was worked slowly upwards, with more lubricating oil applied to ease the journey.
When his legs were fully covered, more scented oil was applied liberally to his cock and balls, before they too were enveloped in a tight vinyl sheath. He felt the nozzle of the spray bottle placed gently between his buttocks, inserting a large dollop of grease inside his anus. He tried to impale himself on the intruder, to gain release form the mounting pressure in his balls, but firm hands on his hips held him still, denying him what he needed most.
The nozzle was removed and quickly replaced by a medium-sized butt plug, not big enough to hurt or tear him, but enough to stretch and fill him. Then the suit was quickly rolled up his backside, holding the plug firmly inside of him.
He had an idea who his mysterious assailants might be and since they had yet to cause him harm, he put up no resistance to their preparations. Indeed it was as if they had read his thoughts, had climbed inside one of his favourite fantasies and were recreating it for him and only him.
As the dressing continued, Malda grew very relaxed and peaceful, the oil warming against his skin, congealing to pull the body suit even tighter, until he could no longer tell where his flesh ended and the material began. His exposed flesh was massaged by the sprayer, alternating between feather-light fingertip touches and whole hand carresses, before the oil was applied and then the slick vinyl covered another inch, creeping upwards at a steady rate, like some form of living creature. He didn't even remember when they removed his shirt and tie so they could fit his arms into the tight sleeves.
However he did begin to panic when he felt the vinyl reach his throat, certain that they would continue until he was fully encased in shiny black, unable to see, to breathe, to call out. The hood was claustrophobic enough, the full mask he envisioned them using was utterly terrifying.
He must have been visisbly shaking with fear, for he was suddenly embraced from behind and in front, sandwiched between two strong, solid bodies. Two rigid erections pressing against him, soothing whispers in his ears, comforting him, letting him know that he was not in danger.
And then the hood was removed and Malda felt his erection deflate as he stared at the naked, pasty-white body of Steve Ballmer.
Part 3
"Damn," Malda muttered, not even wanting to look at who was behind him. "What are you doing here bothering me?" he whined.
"Shut up, Malda," Ballmer said as he grabbed the upper flaps of the suit to shake Malda. "Who did you expect? A certain kernel hacker? Torvalds ain't here, but Bill Gates is," he said as he nodded to Gates standing behind Malda.
Malda turned to look, and saw that Gates was completely naked already. He looked very strong, barrel-chested and stocky, like a heavyweight boxer. Gates took hold of Malda's suit to turn him around. He had waited for this moment for a couple of years now, ever since Malda created Slashdot.org, running crude editor biased stories on Microsoft.
"Malda, listen to me - and DON'T interrupt," Gates said as Malda opened his mouth to protest. "You caused Ballmer and I a lot of trouble and embarrassment these past years. And frankly, you'd been nothing but trouble the whole time you have been running Slashdot. I'm not like Torvalds - I don't put up with that kind of crap. If they give me trouble, I put them in their place immediately. Isn't that right, Steve?" Gates asked.
"Yes, sir."
"And how do I enforce discipline, Steve? How did I handle that little incident you and I had last week?"
"You fucked me, sir," Ballmer replied.
"What was that?" Gates asked.
"You fucked me like I deserved to be fucked," Ballmer said quietly, averting his eyes from Malda's inquiring gaze.
"That's right. You screw me over, or my company, and you get screwed. Literally. I've only known one person who never got punished the way he deserved. Do you know who that is, Malda?" Gates shook Malda to punctuate his remark.
"Uh, me, sir," mumbled Malda, already dreading where this was going.
"That's right. And do you know why you never felt my wrath, Malda?"
"No, sir."
"Because of that damn Linux geek culture backing you up! It seems they had plans for you - I think sex slave comes closest to explaining it. It was going to be the ultimate reward for your efforts to destroy Microsoft by making you a lovely, obedient sex slave."
"Really?"
"This is payback time. And, I figured since poor little Ballmer here suffered quite a bit from Slashdot as well, I thought he should get a little compensation too. He's turned out to be quite the tip-top chief executive - it only took a couple of ass-fucks on top of my desk to improve his performance."
"I don't think Torvalds would appreciate you treating his friends this way," said Malda in a desperate attempt to save himself.
Gates shook Malda violently. "Don't mention that man's name in my presence again! The only thing that would have made this evening turn out perfect was to have Torvalds here. You see, we had plans for him too." Gates pointed to another vinyl suit, much like Malda's, spilling out of the duffel bag.
"Ballmer, get the gag."
"Yes, sir," replied Ballmer as he picked up the second duffel bag. He pulled out a gag that had a short but thick dildo attached to it. He brought it over to Gates. Malda didn't say a word; he watched Ballmer in mute fascination.
Gates took it and was about to shove it into Malda's mouth, but he stopped.
"I've changed my mind. Steve, take off the suit." Gates grabbed Malda by what little hair he had and pushed him back onto his desk. Ballmer unzipped the suit and peeled it off of Malda. Gates held Malda's arms down once they were free of the suit. "Get the handcuffs."
Ballmer removed a pair of leather cuffs from the bag. "Cuff Malda's arms behind his back," Gates said as he flipped Malda over. Ballmer attached the cuffs. Gates grabbed Malda by his hair and dragged him off the desk until he was kneeling down, naked and still shiny from the spray.
Part 4
"Malda, it's time that you started making your apologies to Ballmer. Steve, you can lean against the desk." Gates took Malda's head and pushed it into Ballmer's crotch. "Malda, I'm only going to tell you this once. You will give Steve the best cock-sucking he has ever had, or we're going to put you back in the suit and make an example out of you to all the other open source advocates. You got that?" Gates asked, shaking Malda's head.
"Yeah, I got it," grumbled Malda. Suck Ballmer's cock! Ugh. After his great fantasies of Torvalds and Stallman, to be faced with the reality of the little pink worm in front of him - it was too disappointing.
"Do it!" demanded Gates.
"Ok, ok, don't shout," Malda said as he moved forward to get comfortable.
Malda tentatively ran his tongue up the length of Ballmer's still-soft cock. Ballmer let out a little moan and put his hand on Malda's head. His cock began to swell as Malda continued to lick up and down the shaft. Once it stood straight, Malda took the length of into his mouth. He couldn't believe he was doing this. His own cock even began to swell as he attacked Ballmer's cock more hungrily. Fully erect it wasn't half bad - he might get through this night after all. Of course Ballmer had to ruin it by talking.
"I have dreamed about this moment Malda. The thought of you on your knees in front of me, servicing me! And I'm going to have a momento of this occasion too," he said pointing to Gates who was videotaping the whole scene.
Malda tried to pull back to protest, but Ballmer grabbed his head with both hands and began to fuck his face. Malda stunned himself by getting into the rhythm as Ballmer let go of his head. Malda let go of the cock, ran his tongue down the underside, and onto and around Ballmer's balls.
"Wow, you're really getting into this, ain't you Malda? You like it? You like to suck cock?" said Ballmer as Malda returned to deep throating his cock.
"No wonder Torvalds wanted you to be with the open source Linux community," Gates said. "He didn't want to lose such a good cocksucker."
"Shut up," said Malda as he let go of the cock for a moment.
"Ooohh, I'm going to cum!" cried Ballmer as he started to jerk his hips forward.
"Malda, stop!" yelled Gates. "Steve, blow your wad on your chest and stomach!"
"What?!" cried Ballmer.
"Just do it!"
"OK!" Ballmer grabbed his cock from Malda's mouth, gave it a few quick jerks, and shot his cum all over his torso. He continued to finger the head of his cock as his breathing slowed.
"Why did you want me to do that?" Ballmer asked.
"Malda, I want you to lick Steve's chest clean."
"No!" yelled Malda, attempting to stand up. Gates grabbed his hair and shoved him back down.
"You heard me! Do it!" He shook Malda's head again.
"Stop doing that! That really hurts!"
"Obey me then."
Malda shot Gates a deadly look, then turned his attention to Ballmer. Ballmer half-sat on the desk, his chest and stomach dripping cum. Malda shuffled his way forward and started quickly licking.
"I said slowly," growled Gates from behind the video camera.
Malda slowed down, running his tongue over Ballmer's stomach. His own cock was beginning to throb as he thought about what he was doing. He lingered on Ballmer's navel, then slowly worked his way up. The final bit of cum was on the left nipple; he took a long time cleaning that area off, nibbling and licking at the nipple for a while. He couldn't believe he was doing this! And with Ballmer! When he finished, he sat back on his ankles, looking down at his own erection.
"It looks like you really liked that Malda," Gates said softly as he walked over to Malda. He wrapped his fingers in Malda's hair, pulled his head back, and began to kiss Malda. At first Malda resisted, but he soon found himself returning the kiss, running his tongue inside the Gates' mouth, savoring the flavor.
"Gates?"
"Yeah, Steve," replied Gates after slowing withdrawing from Malda's mouth.
"You need to see this."
"What is it?" Gates said as he turned around. Ballmer was pointing to to a nudist magazine that was partly obscured by the numerous skin mags on Malda's desk. Keeping his pudgy fingers firmly entwined in his captive's thick hair, Gates used his free hand to pull the magazine off the desk. It fell open to a well used page, the small amount of text partially obscured with dried cum. It was a centerfold showing a scene which immediately fired Gates's sadistic imagination and his anger that he was not the focus of the altered picture.
*That can soon be amended,* he thought.
"So, you're into all that back-to-nature crap, Malda?" Gates sneered, holding the triple-length centerfold up to reveal all its artistic glory. "Grown men dancing naked around camp-fires, chanting gibberish and banging their drums before fucking each other senseless?"
Malda's face turned red as he saw what picture Gates was referring to.
"I am a horse's ass," he muttered, hanging his head to hide his humiliation. He had doctored the picture with old archived photos he had found of Torvalds, Stallman, and himself on Google. He had pasted face shots of his two lovers to the muscular bodies of the Tarzan-like male models posing around the bonfire. They were on their knees in dutiful worship at the base of his throne, gazing up at him in utter adulation, ready and willing to cater to his every whim. *Why couldn't it be like that in reality, why was he the one who lived only to serve his masters, no matter what they required of him* Only in the late night privacy of his deserted office did he allow himself to fantasize the situation reversed, never having the courage to demand equality in the very one-sided relationship he shared with Linus and Richard.
"Did I give you permission to speak?" Gates barked, backhanding Malda across the face and sending him crashing to the floor.
"No." Malda struggled to rise to his knees, not looking at either of his captors, sending a silent plea for rescue to his lovers and his partner.
Out of the corner of one eye, Malda saw Gates raise his hand to deliver another blow and knew what he was waiting for. "No, Sir."
The blow came anyway but somehow he managed to stay upright, his vision blurred and teary.
"Call me Master, boy and maybe you won't have to warm Steve's bed tonight."
Malda looked up to see Ballmer eyeing him lustfully and he almost threw up at the prospect of being fucked by the weasel who had tried to destroy his open source advocacy group.
"Yes, Master."
Ballmer was clearly upset that Malda had chosen to obey his new Master rather than allow himself to be his sex-toy for the night. He brushed up against Gates, rubbing himself on the older man's body like a bitch-in-heat.
"But you promised he would be mine for the whole night..."
Gates swatted Ballmer aside like an annoying blowfly, focusing his attention on how they could get Malda out of the building without raising unwanted attention. He walked over to where the duffel bags lay on the carpet and upended the largest one, spilling its contents.
"Gag him, Ballmer and put him in the bag," he ordered with a malicious gleam in his dark eyes.
Before Malda could react, Ballmer shoved the dildo-gag into his mouth, securing the leather straps painfully tight. He gripped Malda under the arms and hauled him to his feet and over to the canvas coffin. A swift kick to his shins soon had him lying on his side, his lanky legs folded up so that his chin rested on his knees. He quickly secured Malda's ankles with duct tape and drew the sides of the bag up and over the captive. He was about to zip up the body-bag when inspiration struck and he shoved his smelly underwear and socks into the bag.
Gates was busy jerking himself off over Malda's 'Got Root?' ThinkGeek t-shirt when he heard an embarrassed cough. He turned to find Ballmer struggling to lift the bag off the floor. Not even trying to hide his disgust, he stormed out of the office, returning minutes later with a large wheely-bin. He laid it on the floor on its side and together they managed to cram the duffel inside and lift the bin upright. They shared a satisfied smile as they heard Malda groaning in his upside-down position.
"Come, boy. Let's take out the garbage."
Malda tried desperately to wriggle around so that he was somewhat upright and had almost succeeded when a series of violent bumps jolted his rapidly bruising body. It took a few long seconds before he realized what was happening. At 6pm all the elevators automatically shut down, leaving the stairs as the only way of moving from floor to floor. His captors were doing little to smooth the wild ride he was experiencing and Malda tried to concentrate on how he would exact his revenge when he got himself out of his present predicament.
Part 5
After what seemed like hours, his journey resumed on level ground. He could hear the muffled sounds of cleaners and other people moving around and conversing, but there was nothing he could do alert them to his dilemma.
A few minutes later and the bin came to a halt as he heard Gates address someone, but he couldn't decipher what was being said. However he heard Ballmer when the lid was lifted up and something hot landed on his upturned backside, something that quickly began to burn through the canvas of his prison.
The stench of a cigar quickly filled the confined space of the bin and then the sizzle of a lighted match caused Malda to scream with all his might.
The duffel bag was on fire.
"You idiot!" roared Gates as he ran for the fire extinguisher hanging on the wall. "You damn well knew he was in there!" Ballmer was struggling to get the bin onto its side so he could pull Malda out.
Gates succeeded in putting out the fire, and he and Ballmer pulled a weakly struggling Malda out of the duffel bag.
Inside the duffel bag Malda was trying to calm himself down. He could barely breath in his hysteria because of the gag in his mouth.
Malda started struggling again as he felt hands trying to pull him out of the bag.
"Malda, stay still," an indistinct voice said. "We'll never get you out of there if you keep squirming."
Malda managed to stay still long enough to be pulled free of the duffel bag. He couldn't get his eyes to focus yet, but he felt someone release the gag. He sat gasping for air, on the edge of crying. It had finally dawned on him that he was free from the fire, and he began sobbing.
"Malda, it's ok. The fire is out," Richard Stallman said as he pulled Malda over to his chest to hug him. "You'll be fine. I'll take care of you."
Malda groaned when he heard his voice. Richard!
When Malda calmed down, he lifted his head off of Richard's chest and looked around. He saw that Gates and Ballmer had been trussed up; they were lying face down on the pavement. A pudgy, pasty white skinned figure in ThinkGeek clothing stood over them brandishing an iPaq stylus.
"Good job, Jamie McCarthy," said Stallman.
"I hope your closed source henchmen find you before some open source geeks do!" Richard Stallman called out to Gates and Ballmer as he grabbed Rob Malda passionately around the waist and ran off with him.
Part 6
Being alone now Rob fell into Stallman's strong arms, inhaling the musky scent of his lover, one of beer, nuts, and B.O. He found the other man's mouth and attacked with fury, forcing the lips apart so he could push his tongue deeply inside. He wanted to taste and feel every part of his lover he could. This seemed only like a dream to Malda, because only in his dreams did Richard let him take control, to be the hunter and not the prey. His tongue worked its way deep down Richard's throat until they were both gagging and had to break apart.
"Come, Rob. Let's get you home." Richard said and grabbed Malda's arm and led him over to the biggest motor-cycle Rob had ever seen. A shiny silver and chrome Harley Davidson stood in the moonlight, it's powerful engine purring like a lion.
Richard took a long leather coat out of one of the saddle-bags and put it on, leaving Rob shivering in the cool night air. He climbed onto the seat, his muscular legs straddling the machine and opened his coat in invitation to Malda.
"Well, aren't you going to move forward, Richard?" He asked.
"No. This is your seat right here, my little Robling." Richard patted the tiny area of seat in front of him. His cock was rock hard and at attention just waiting for Rob. "My little 'Freddy' is cold. It's your job to keep him warm."
Malda considered his options, decided he didn't have any and climbed onto the bike, lowering himself onto Richard's huge cock, silently thanking Gates and Ballmer that he was lubricated and stretched. When Richard started the bike, the vibrating engine against his cock and balls almost sent him over the edge.
Stallman saw how close his pet was to releasing his seed over the machine he had spent all afternoon washing and polishing and pulled a small metal ring from one of his pockets. He slipped it over his lover's cock, smiling at the groan of frustration that the action caused.
He pulled the coat around both of them encasing them in its fur lined warmth and steered the bike out of the parking lot and onto the highway.
Malda felt as if he was trapped somewhere between heaven and hell. Richard's cock stretching and filling his anus was ecstasy, sending ever greater waves of sweet pleasure surging through his body, warming him up from the inside out, from the tips of his toes to the top of his head.
The road they were on was smooth and well maintained except for the occasional pot-hole or gravel patch. Richard did nothing to avoid these hazards. Instead he deliberately rode over them which would momentarily lift Rob up a fraction only to slam him down on the massive cock with enough force to cause him to cry out and arch his back against Richard's chest, driving them both crazy with lust and desire.
Rob had to use both hands just to hold onto Richard's legs during the wild ride. He felt his lover snuggle up behind him, his gloved hands roaming his back and neck, sliding around to pinch sensitive nipples which soon hardened into little pebbles.
*If Richard's hands are doing what my brain tells me they are, then who the hell is steering this thing?*
"OH SHIT!!!!!!!"
He realized the answer and grabbed the handle bars just before they came to a tight left curve that was at the top of a long, steep cliff. Having never ridden a motorbike he almost oversteered which would sent them crashing to their deaths down a deep narrow canyon. Luckily no vehicles were coming towards them so he had the whole two lanes to correct his mistake.
Richard gave no sign of realizing how close they had come to death, just hugging his lover tighter and pressing passionate kisses into Rob's neck. The adrenaline rush was amazing, the fear and desire that he could smell flowing of Rob only heightened his own senses and he longed to ravage his co-rider more than just the kisses and caresses he was bestowing.
Confident that Rob had control of the bike, Richard placed his hands on Rob's hips and drew him upwards so that the cold wind rushing by bathed most of Freddy. To his credit, Rob didn't take his eyes of the road, allowing Richard to move him up and down, off and onto his cock with ever increasing force, ramming and slamming his arse onto his cock, over and over until both men were sweating profusely and Rob was shaking with the incredible need for release. Richard had come a couple of times, depositing his seed deep inside Rob, feeling it coat his cock and drip out of his lover's rectum to pool in the coat. He scooped some up with one hand and after removing the cock ring, smothered his lover's cock and balls.
They were on a long, flat stretch of road with no cars visible for as far as the eye could see. Tall ancient trees grew along both sides of the highway. Deer and rabbits appeared at the side of the road, staring into the bike's powerful headlight before scampering back into the forest.
"Take my glove off, love, so I can make you feel real good."
Rob gripped the soft leather in his teeth and pulled, revealing Richard's long slim fingers. He spat the glove out of his mouth and took two fingers into his mouth suckling and nibbling and licking, like a babe at its mother's breast.
Just the thought of Richard's hands on his genitals was almost enough to push him over the edge, but the reality was a thousand times better than any of his fantasies. The hand was withdrawn and he felt its wet warmth envelop his balls, first one and then the other. His cock was totally ignored, letting him know that this was not going to be a quick jerk session. Instead it was turning out to be a infuriatingly slow seduction, designed to drive him crazy. He wanted to direct Richard's touches where he needed the most relief but Richard squeezed one ball savagely hard when he took a hand of the handle bar.
"Uh uh, Rob. Just sit back and enjoy the ride." He felt Richard's warm breath in his ear, his moist tongue flicking out to suck the lobe.
"Please, Richard. I can't take this much longer." Malda pleaded, though he knew it would not have any effect on Richard's plans.
"C'mon. It's only been half an hour. You've lasted much longer. You can last all night and tomorrow if that's what I want." Richard placed his thumb on the tip of Rob's cock, tracing tiny circles around the head, knowing it would drive his lover crazy.
"But I've been like this for hours with Gates and Ballmer."
Rob was sobbing in frustration now, tears streaming down his face and obscuring his vision. He was certain that he would never ejaculate again, that he would be kept trapped in this hell for the rest of his life. He didn't see the oil slick up ahead, and even if he had, he lacked the knowledge of how to control the huge machine. As soon as the front tire hit the slick, the bike slid sideways, sending them into a terrifying spin, one that took them careening towards the edge of the cliff. He felt Richard try to regain control, but it was too late, and then men and machine, leather and metal, were airborne.
Continued in Section 2
Look at Larry Wall's Apocalypse articles. They are at least as long as the Cozens article.
"scripting languages" ??
Shell languages are scripting. Perl and Python are not.
"C/C++...Java...not very productive" ??
Can I have your dealer's pager number. I need some crack too.
this just in The Perl REview has been sited to be horribly illegible and incoherent due to the fact that it was written by a bunch of perl hackers
*groan* I hate pdf files. Could they offer it as a Perl script that I can download and execute? Now that would be cool!
Maybe create a module:
use Perl::Review;
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