He Writes Back

Paul writes: "This guy actually replies to the spam he gets. Read some of the replies and you'll love this guy's wit. I love the one about the peroxide myself. The favorites, top 20, and "My Buddy Kutty" sections are good places to start."

Comments

4 comments and it is already /.ed

[Enigma2175]

TooManyConnectionsTooManyConnections.

How many is too many, 5?

That was quick....

[shyster]

5 comments, and the sites already slashdotted. Here's the only one I could get to load up:

Dear Sirs, Thanks for your continuing interest in TROYRICH INVESTMENT CORPORATION.You/your firm contacted us a while back for funding. We are contacting you to see if you can use additional capital for your business. We have merged with new investors that are very motivated and aggressive in their funding practice. We will be working with them to perform a full thorough evaluation for potential investment into lucrative projects. If you are still interested in us providing funding for you or your company, please forward an UP-DATED VERSION of your Executive Summary/ Proposal to us for a review. Regards, TroyRich Investment Does your business need a creative approach to financing? Do you need capital to "get rolling"?We solve your financial funding needs! I have an excellent opportunity for you to invest in. We're motivated and aggressive, and while we aren't a money-making venture, our service is extremely valuable to America. My name is Colonel Jonathan "Hannibal" Land, and I've assembled a team of mercenaries second to none. Here's a little background on each of the guys: Lieutenant Templeton 'Face' Peck: As you could guess by his nickname, "Face" is a very handsome man. He's also an extremely persuasive smooth talker. He can get his way with anything that can be remotely attracted to a man. If that doesn't work, we put him in a dress. I'm questioning my own feelings about gender and sexuality just talking about him. Anyway, while he's charming the pants off of someone, the rest of the team takes full advantage of catching said person with their pants down to carry out the mission in question. Face is our people person. If I haven't convinced you to invest in my team here, I hope you'd allow Face to take a meeting with you. Captain H.M. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: Everyone has their faults and 'Howling Mad' Murdock is no exception. This guy is literally crazy. So crazy, he's been institutionalized, yet he's an amazing pilot, mechanic and tinkerer of odd contraptions that are wonderful pseudo-weapons which inflict damage but don't hurt anyone. He was MacGuyver before MacGuyver. Now I bet you're thinking, "Crazy guy??? Pilot??? Shouldn't this guy be closely followed by missile-loaded F-16s wherever he goes???" Hell no! He's endearingly crazy, like a toned-down Robin Williams who can actually be likable in small doses. We're talking crazy-brilliant in A Beautiful Mind sort of way, not crazy-crazy like a kamikaze. Sergeant Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: 'B.A.' Baracus is the most distinctive member of our team. Picture a huge, muscular black man with a mohawk, approximately fifty thousand dollars worth of cheap gold chains around his neck, and a facial expression of bitterness that only lemons coated in alimony payments can provide. He also has enough rings on his fingers to make a long-dead Liberace claw his way out of his grave out of pure jealousy. Now you're probably thinking, "Wait, I thought Murdock was the crazy one?" Like I said before, we all have our faults, and Baracus's is merely a terminal lack of taste. He's just flamboyant, and I mean that in the most heterosexual way, that's all. He's our weapons guy, driver and intimidator. He's also a man of great compassion. He pities every last fool out there. Me: I'm the cigar-chomping brains of the outfit. I keep the situation under control, I keep the team in check, and most of all, I love it when a plan comes together. You mention the words "get rolling" in your pitch, which evoked in me and the boys the "let's roll" battle-cry that's been generated by the unfortunate circumstances of September 11th. We might be a team of only four, but we're truly greater than the sum of our parts. We'd like you to finance a trip for us to Iraq so we can take out Saddam Hussein. I assure you we can do this. You'll have to respect our tactics though. This won't be a bloodbath. We'll do stuff like customize a vacuum cleaner to shoot out whole cabbages, and we'll just pelt him until he gives up and knows he's been defeated. We've done it before. I swear it works. We were going to offer our help in Afghanistan, but we wouldn't want to step on toes. Plus, we're all dishonorably discharged military men, and given the amount of military personnel there, laying low would be difficult, and the Osama Bin Laden version of the mission would probably be compromised. So what do you say? Invest in us, and the world will love you! Let's do it! Man, I love it when a plan comes together. Colonel Jonathan "Hannibal" Land

another one

[Account 10]

Subject: Re: New Pill makes your semen taste sweet-she'll swallow and love it
To: 0sandmn0@w150.aone.net.au, 01bb932d.0fe13750@startpuntwoning.nl
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/20/2002

Men, Do You Want to Increase the Amount of Oral Sex You Receive by 5 to 10 Times?

Now, Make Oral Sex a Treat . . . Instead of a Job!

SweetenZe is a new all herbal pill that can make your semen actually taste sweet.

No more salty or bitter taste. 98% of women say they would perform more oral sex and even swallow, if there partners semen tasted better.

Now with a single pill that makes you taste sweet, you can increase the amount of oral sex you receive by 10 times or more. Women all over the world are finally loving performing oral sex on there men.

There's nothing better than that intense feeling you get as your lover swallows every last drop. Try a bottle of SweetenZe if your not completely satisfied we'll refund 100% of your money. or Call 626-440-1747

This sounds like an interesting product, but it creates an intriguing dilemma for me.

I'm a highly disgruntled teenage employee of a Dunkin' Donuts in a location I probably shouldn't disclose. Even though it would appear that I have my whole life ahead of me, the present looks very bleak. I'm earning $5.50 an hour, working about 10 hours a week after school and on weekends selling donuts and coffee to a surly, unpleasant group of adults who should be laying off the high carbs. How these dangerously obese tight-asses gain such a thrill being nasty and mean while not allowing that to interfere with their passion for eating is beyond me. Long story short: I hate it here. Sure I could get another job, but with the hours I have to give being a high school student, it would just wind up being another fast food place because I'm not taking up elderly booty wiping duty.

Of course, if my parents just gave me a reasonable allowance, which they can afford to do, I wouldn't have to waste my time in this doughy hell with these horrible, doughy people. Unfortunately my folks don't want me to be spoiled and they're trying to show me the benefits of earning money. I can't say that I've learned that particular lesson. The only thing I have learned that there is no such thing as satisfaction for a job well done when your job itself is completely unsatisfying.

So I'm stuck here. That combined with the fact that I'm a 16-year-old virgin with a woody that just wont quit and demoralizing acne that might as well spell out: "kill me" tends to build up a little bile. For the last few months, I've been choosing to exorcise this bile with a hefty side-dish of semen, straight into the donut batter when no one's been looking.

Now, the donuts definitely taste funny according to a few customer complaints, so I'm undoubtedly going to be caught soon. If I could "sweeten the deal" with your product, that would totally rock, but I don't know if I'd get the same satisfaction out of doing it, even though I could probably get away with doing it for way longer. But what if they start liking the donuts more than they used to?

Sure they're still gobbling down my boys, but if there's no remote clue like the current twinge of funk, it just isn't the same for me. I need to be able to think, "yeah, take THAT, jerkoff!", and not be swarmed by a hungry mob, Night of the Living Dead-style, feasting for more of my sweatmeat, chanting "mmmm... jizznuts... jiiiiizzznuuuutsss". This totally might backfire, causing my particular Dunkin' Donuts to become wildly popular, and forcing me into being overworked on my shitty salary!

So before I buy this stuff from you, I would need to know exactly what effect the outcome (and oh, do I mean out-come) might be in the donut batter. Would the donuts taste better than donuts with standard-issue semen, and worse than an untainted donut, or would such a heavenly delicacy be created that I could probably consider "going legit" and opening a franchise of my own featuring my special secret ingredient?

Personally, I just can't wait to walk up to the sophomore I have an eye on and use the "Hey little girl, want to have some candy?" line when propositioning her.

Jon

Another one...

[Anonymous Coward]

Subject: Re: Do You Come Too Quickly in Bed?? To: PleasureSex@dnafrica.co.za, eraseus@yahoo.com From: Jonathan Land Date: 01/19/2001

Do You Come Too Quickly in Bed??

Get your S E X Life Roaring with IMPULSE http://www.cosmoseffect.com/impulse.html

I'm so glad you asked that, because I do, but -get this- it's only in my bed at home. I'm assuming you're some sort of doctor like the one pictured on your very professional-looking website, so maybe you can help me out here.

I've been married to the same woman now for 12 years, and after all this time and all that sex with the same woman over and over again , I still reach the point of orgasm in under 5 minutes. Hell, I've watched her give birth 3 times, and after you've seen that, well you're a doctor, you wouldn't know how that looks to a regular guy, but trust me, you live your life riddled with fear that there's something worse in there, like a bear trap or something, ready to de-peepee you at any moment, I don't know. I don't know much about woman-specific-parts like vaginas or fingernails or long hair or stuff like that, so I don't know if women can actually develop stuff like bear traps or anything metallic and sharp at all in the womb, but you get what I'm saying... it's possible. You hear about stuff like that all the time.

Anyway, there is another major factor that makes my sexual efficiency at home a particularly strange fact.

The factor: I have tons of sex all the time, with my secretary, the customers at the auto body shop, the cleaning lady, her cleaning lady, my brother's girlfriend, even hot cheerleaders from several private high schools in the area, and it lasts a really long time. Upwards of an hour or so, but even after a long night of making love to a couple of strippers, if I do it with my wife right afterwards, it's over, and it's not like I can say "Well, Dear, you wouldn't be laughing and pointing if you saw my sexual performance earlier this afternoon". I just pray to God that her sister won't tell her about my sexual performance earlier this afternoon either, and so I'll just let her think I'm sexually incompetent. What else can I do? I CAN'T WIN!

Now, I wouldn't call myself a "stud", or a "hustler", or a "sex maniac", or a "sex freak", or a "sex addict", or a "sexaholic", or a "rat cheating bastard", or even an " aggressive philanderer", but I've had more than my share of sex and you'd think that my stamina would go straight across the board, whether we're talking about the glory-hole in the men's room at the weird bar downtown, or my wife! Right? (By the way, how do they get those women in on the other side of the glory-hole. I never see a woman come into the men's room, but there's someone there. Now that's what I call magic.)

So I've come to the conclusion that it must be the bed. That's the only place we have sex, every third Thursday of the month. I was trying to test my theory by having sex with her on the floor, but I came instantly once again, so it must be some kind of electro-magnetic or radiation field generated from the bed. When we have sex again in a few weeks I'm going to suggest we do it in the basement. I just re-insulated it for the winter, and the bed's on the 2nd floor, so hopefully that'll help block out the bed's gamma rays, or whatever they are. I used Thinsulate, and that stuff's the best, although I don't know if I applied the scientific method properly to this whole situation. I also have one of those big Persian rugs on the floor above. it's real heavy, it has to be bouncing out the direct rays from the ceiling above.

Anyhoo, just as I was considering shopping for a new bed, your email came and, hell, since you're a professional I thought I'd ask. I rarely open up like this.

The only other possible explanation I've been kicking around is that I somehow love my wife and we have some sort of bond so deep that only my subconscious and basic motor skills respond to it, but I don't believe in all that psychic-esp stuff so that's a little too X-Files for me. I'm a pretty bright guy, If I thought I still loved her, I'd know. right?

I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say,

Jonathan Land

IMPULSE for MEN: Intensifies Pleasure and Satisfaction Increases Energy and Endurance Longer Lasting and Firmer Erections

IMPULSE for WOMEN: Formula Designed Especially for Women by Women Intensifies Pleasure, Enhances Orgasms Revitalizes S E X Drive Enhances Vaginal Lubrication

It's Fun, Safe, and Effective. and you don't even need a perscription.

Get more information NOW Go to: http://www.cosmoseffect.com/impulse.html

Re:Why?

[Account 10]

He's not replying in order to communicate with the spammer ... it's a hobby, or a job - at any rate it's getting him publicity and work

TheSpamLetters.com has been featured in The Washington Post, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, The Houston Chronicle, WCCO-TV, Bizarre Magazine, and almost 200 various websites.

He [Jonathan Land] has made appearances on an E.P. with one-hit wonders (in America, at least) Chumbawamba, and on a compilation of reworked pieces from Fiddler on the Roof for Knitting Factory Works records.

Newest addition to his list...

[Akardam]

To: webmaster@slashdot.org
Subject: Re: Re: Increase your hits!
Date: 03/23/2002

Dear Webmaster,

Have you heard about our wonderfull new marketing tool, the Slashdot Effect?

*snip*

I don't want more hits, already! You've given me enough! Fuck off!

Google Cache

[bdigit]

Google Cache

Re:Why?

[blang]

I write messages to their webmasters instead,
hoping that it'll show up in their error logs. They're probably never read, but it's nice to vent.

Something like:
http://spammer.com/index.html.IDontWantAnyF rikkinT highCream.IfYoureAWebmasterForTheseFraudsISuggestY ouGetYourselfArealJobYouDespcicableMoron

I somehow was able to read another one...

[EricKrout.com]

Again, please don't mod this redundant when (if?) his site gets back online....
---

Author's Note: Thanks to Jeff Hobbs for sharing his bounty. I know it's not spam, but misdirected email is good enough for me. All the comments and replies are from Jeff, I chime in as Bubs. Subject: A word about Jayson
To: Amos304@aol.com
From: Jeff Hobbs / Jonathan Land
Date: 05/19/2001

I've been getting misdirected email from this girl for a while:

> hey stranger. sorry it has taken me soooo long to write back. I have been a
> very very busy crazy woman. I did go out last week. and had a lot of fun.
> oh, by the way we're all going out next Saturday to celebrate my birthday,
> Stella's birthday, and Courtney's (nurse in family medicine) birthday. but
> mainly for my 30th. if you're not doing anything you're more than welcome to
> come on down. i'm having a slumber party at my house for those that can't
> drive home or that live too far away.
> How are you and your girlfriend getting along? is it any better? I sure
> hope so. you are such a sweet good looking guy. you shouldn't have problems
> like these already in life. Life is tooo short. Well my ex and i pretty
> much don't speak at all to one another any more. or should i say since
> easter. i don't know what his problem is. one minute he tells me we have to
> get along for emily's sake and we'll be friends. the next he's telling to
> get the hell out of the house and not come back. see, i still have a lot of
> stuff still at the house. because when i moved out he told me that it might
> be only for a short period and that way i wouldn't have so much to move back
> if we decided to get back together. well needless to say we decided not to
> get back together. which really i have never been happier. he just makes it
> tough for me because like i said one minute he says i can depend on him
> (which at times i really don't want to feel like i have to depend on him, i
> want to be able to do on my own) and then i have to wait and wait until he
> can do something for me at his convienece. I have pretty much stopped doing
> that. and it has made it easier. for example like changing the oil in my
> car.
> Every other weekend he has emily. and at least one night my girlfriend
> and i go out. and i hear flack from him about that. he doesn't believe in
> going out especially to bars!!!! you know me, I'm a people person. actually
> i don;t go out to drink, you can ask tracey when we're out people will ask
> where i'm at and tracey will point to the dance floor. that's what i love to
> do is DANCE!!!! it's also good exercise. ha ha. so, has your company sent
> you anyplace else lately? i better go for now it's getting late. email me
> soon. if you would like to come down for the party let me know and we can
> celebrate your birthday too. Tracey and Karen(from work) are going to have a
> big cookout at my house before we go out so no one goes out on an empty
> stomach. and of course we'll be drinking before we go out. Karen talked
> about making Jell-o shots. who knows what will happen, this should make for
> an interesting evening to say the least. Stella is coming down from PA.
> anyway just let me know and if you want to stay as well you're more than
> welcome. talk to you soon.
>
> Love,
> Amy
>

which I generally ignore and you can probably tell why. Then I get this last week:

> Jayson,
>
> hey you. whatcha been upto? i haven't heard back from you in ages. just
> worried about you. i figure your busy. just checking on you. you haven't
> been to the office since you went to florida. did they keep you down there?
> or probably had too much fun. so, how have you been doing? oh, by the way
> "HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY"!!!!! how was your birthday. mine to say the least
> was interesting. HA HA!!! the girls at the office were asking if i had heard
> from you anymore and you hadn't been in the office. see, we keep track of the
> good reps that come in. better go for now. keep in touch.
>
> Amy

So in a fit of random evil, I send her this:

> Amy,
>
> The reason you haven't heard from me in a while is I've been in jail. I really
> don't want to talk about it, and if you ever ask me about it in person, I'll
> completely deny it.
>
>Jayson

and I sort of forgot about it until I got this today:

> Jayson,
>
> i'm sorry to here that. no problem. i was just concerned that's all. i
> won't pressure you, but if you ever need to talk i'm always here. and i mean
> that.
>
> sincerely,
> Amy

so I'm thinking that instead of just being moderately evil and fucking with this guy Jayson's life, I could be all out evil and ask The Master, Jon Land, if he would compose a short missive to Amy and maybe explain his jail time a bit more.

Or is that too much? I don't know anymore. Anyway, Jon, I'll forget that 10$ if you whip out a letter to Amy.

~Jeff

Dear Amy,

I'm not a particularly jealous man, but I couldn't help notice the highly sexual tones of your correspondence with Jayson. I know I shouldn't be reading his email, but when the warden called him out of the library for a cigarette deal, he had me fight off all the other inmates who were vying for the computer he was using, and I just couldn't help myself.

Since Jayson is my roommate, my best friend, and my lover (better known to folks on the outside as "prison bitch"), I am very protective of the special relationship that we have.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Bubs, it's short for Bubba, you know, like the President... although theoretically there should be a new President in office by now. By the time all the news gets edited and shown to us (we're consistently 2 years behind the times) a lot changes in the world.... we might as well have been living in Sweden! Just because we're in the psych ward, they think we can't handle it, but we can FUCKING HANDLE IT!!! WE FUCKING CAN!

I really am worried that as soon as Jayjay gets out of here he'll forget me and return to women. His return to a life of crime is a given. I can't imagine that the Italians that he used to get his stuff from would touch him with a 10-foot pole though. I know he's into chicks and he's just with me for the power, and I've tried to make myself more feminine for him. Unfortunately, while the fatty foods that they feed us to keep us sluggish and docile have formed supple man-boobs on my doughy, tender flesh, I think he's... whatever the male, prison equivalent of "lesbian until graduation" is, and I'm concerned that my efforts are in vain.

But something deep within me thinks I can change him, and the best shot I have is if you leave him the hell alone. Jayson won't tell me anything about you, but I know you'll work your vagina voodoo and take him from me. Please give me my chance. I love him. I really do.

He's coming back. Bye,
Bubs

Come on...

[mlknowle]

I write comments on Slashdot.... is it really that much different?

At least the automated replies *acknowledge* that they don't read what I write...

Large sterilizer for sale - $9,875

[Oink.NET]

Subject: Re: Large sterilizer for sale - $9,875
To: pemed@wperfect.com
From: Joan Land <joan@incomplete.net>
Date: 11/14/2001

Amsco model "Full VAC" large steam and vacuum sterilizer for sale, $9,875. Features: 24 x 36 x 48" chamber
single door
circular strip chart recorder
new in 1977, under full maintenance until removal
automatic operation
self contained high volume vacuum pump

Hi, I have 2 questions about your sterilizer. 1). Is it permanent? 2). What are the side effects? I really want to have my husband sterilized but I still want to use him for my non-reproductive womanly needs. I love the big lummox, but if the man had children branded with his dna, it would be like littering. Once I asked him to get a vasectomy. He asked me why, and I told him it was because the thought of him reproducing made me fear for humanity. Then he assured me that the process of him copying his cds onto mp3 wasn't contributing to the decline of modern civilization, except he stated it as "Yo, I ain't hurtin' no one!" Do you see what I mean? He's not going to go peacefully, so I figured I can throw a pie into the middle of your machine as a trap, wait until he wanders in, close the door behind him, and then do the ol' zap zap. God I hope this'll work,
Joan Land

For full information. please see our website http://www.pemed.com and look under the "autoclave" section. Thank you for your time and attention. Mark Zirinsky
Production Engineering - Medical Equipment Division
Denver, Colorado USA
1-303-393-7800
1-303-393-1482 (fax)
markz@pemed.com
http://www.pemed.com
If you don't want our email, please let us know.

this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[rnd()]

When telemarketers call, I find that the following approach works quite well:

Repeat the word "cornflakes" over and over again until they hang up. My record is 28.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[stuffman64]

My method for dealing with telemarketers:

Is this Mr ?
Yup.
This is from corporation. We are calling to inform you of .

I let them talk to me for like a minute, then interupt:

Hey, I'm kind of in a hurry. I have this comedy routine tonight and I need to practice. Say, you want to hear a joke?

For some reason, most answer yes to this. I also try to be a little more smooth than that. Usually I bust out a few short jokes before leading up to this:

How many telemarketers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2. One to change the lightbulb and another to screw an old lady out of her life savings! Did you know telemarketers don't call other telemarketers? Yea, it's called professional courtesy.

I used to have a few more that I can't remember, ever since I switched to my cell phone and let the answering machine pick up my home calls, I haven't done this in a few years.

Re:Why?

[shogun]

Whats even more fun is to put HTML tags in your request, ie:

http://spammer.com/<font color=Red size=+3>IDoNotWantToBuyYourLameProducts</fon t>

Then when they go and view their web log reports with a web-based reporting/analysis tool it stands out a little. You could probably be creative with javascript popups etc too..