He Writes Back

Paul writes: "This guy actually replies to the spam he gets. Read some of the replies and you'll love this guy's wit. I love the one about the peroxide myself. The favorites, top 20, and "My Buddy Kutty" sections are good places to start."

Comments

i replied to spam once

[opermonkey]

and all i get is more spam.

Re:i replied to spam once

[dattaway]

I replied to a spam once, and all I got was this loaded shotgun and a shell casing on the floor.

Re:i replied to spam once

[blang]

Yeah, I can do that for hours, but when they never answer I get bored. Those tin cans are such sensitive crybabies.

Re:i replied to spam once

[hyyx]

Exactly. I agree totally. This guy is making light of spam, which is good, but he is feeding the spammers. A lot of spammers are not that smart, and if even a small amount of people reply, it is doing nothing but to make it look like the spamming industry actually has any business interests or profit.

Re:i replied to spam once

[FurryFeet]

Change "Rames in" for "Ramen is"...

Real sorry about that. The worst part is I actually previewed my post.
(No that's not true. The worst part is that I actually work as a newspaper editor, but that would be too embarrasing to admit.)

Re:i replied to spam once

[Lobsang]

Chances are you'll get more spam not because you replied to spam (since most spammers have either invalid addresses or full mailboxes), but because of the natural (and ever-increasing) exposure of our email addresses.

Sad...

Regards

4 comments and it is already /.ed

[Enigma2175]

TooManyConnectionsTooManyConnections.

How many is too many, 5?

That was quick....

[shyster]

5 comments, and the sites already slashdotted. Here's the only one I could get to load up:

Dear Sirs, Thanks for your continuing interest in TROYRICH INVESTMENT CORPORATION.You/your firm contacted us a while back for funding. We are contacting you to see if you can use additional capital for your business. We have merged with new investors that are very motivated and aggressive in their funding practice. We will be working with them to perform a full thorough evaluation for potential investment into lucrative projects. If you are still interested in us providing funding for you or your company, please forward an UP-DATED VERSION of your Executive Summary/ Proposal to us for a review. Regards, TroyRich Investment Does your business need a creative approach to financing? Do you need capital to "get rolling"?We solve your financial funding needs! I have an excellent opportunity for you to invest in. We're motivated and aggressive, and while we aren't a money-making venture, our service is extremely valuable to America. My name is Colonel Jonathan "Hannibal" Land, and I've assembled a team of mercenaries second to none. Here's a little background on each of the guys: Lieutenant Templeton 'Face' Peck: As you could guess by his nickname, "Face" is a very handsome man. He's also an extremely persuasive smooth talker. He can get his way with anything that can be remotely attracted to a man. If that doesn't work, we put him in a dress. I'm questioning my own feelings about gender and sexuality just talking about him. Anyway, while he's charming the pants off of someone, the rest of the team takes full advantage of catching said person with their pants down to carry out the mission in question. Face is our people person. If I haven't convinced you to invest in my team here, I hope you'd allow Face to take a meeting with you. Captain H.M. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: Everyone has their faults and 'Howling Mad' Murdock is no exception. This guy is literally crazy. So crazy, he's been institutionalized, yet he's an amazing pilot, mechanic and tinkerer of odd contraptions that are wonderful pseudo-weapons which inflict damage but don't hurt anyone. He was MacGuyver before MacGuyver. Now I bet you're thinking, "Crazy guy??? Pilot??? Shouldn't this guy be closely followed by missile-loaded F-16s wherever he goes???" Hell no! He's endearingly crazy, like a toned-down Robin Williams who can actually be likable in small doses. We're talking crazy-brilliant in A Beautiful Mind sort of way, not crazy-crazy like a kamikaze. Sergeant Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: 'B.A.' Baracus is the most distinctive member of our team. Picture a huge, muscular black man with a mohawk, approximately fifty thousand dollars worth of cheap gold chains around his neck, and a facial expression of bitterness that only lemons coated in alimony payments can provide. He also has enough rings on his fingers to make a long-dead Liberace claw his way out of his grave out of pure jealousy. Now you're probably thinking, "Wait, I thought Murdock was the crazy one?" Like I said before, we all have our faults, and Baracus's is merely a terminal lack of taste. He's just flamboyant, and I mean that in the most heterosexual way, that's all. He's our weapons guy, driver and intimidator. He's also a man of great compassion. He pities every last fool out there. Me: I'm the cigar-chomping brains of the outfit. I keep the situation under control, I keep the team in check, and most of all, I love it when a plan comes together. You mention the words "get rolling" in your pitch, which evoked in me and the boys the "let's roll" battle-cry that's been generated by the unfortunate circumstances of September 11th. We might be a team of only four, but we're truly greater than the sum of our parts. We'd like you to finance a trip for us to Iraq so we can take out Saddam Hussein. I assure you we can do this. You'll have to respect our tactics though. This won't be a bloodbath. We'll do stuff like customize a vacuum cleaner to shoot out whole cabbages, and we'll just pelt him until he gives up and knows he's been defeated. We've done it before. I swear it works. We were going to offer our help in Afghanistan, but we wouldn't want to step on toes. Plus, we're all dishonorably discharged military men, and given the amount of military personnel there, laying low would be difficult, and the Osama Bin Laden version of the mission would probably be compromised. So what do you say? Invest in us, and the world will love you! Let's do it! Man, I love it when a plan comes together. Colonel Jonathan "Hannibal" Land

Re:That was quick....

[shyster]

Maybe that's the best way to fight spam - post the URL here and let the ./ effect overload their servers/pipe. Bandwidth costs money, so this approach might persuade them the cost of untargetted advertising is too high. Maybe we could even automate this?

Funny you should mention that as a reply to me. Here's a story I submitted recently:

2002-02-27 21:47:57 The SPAMdot Effect (articles,news) (rejected)

After a spam telling me how to increase traffic to my site, slashdot.org, I figured that the best way to show them what kind of traffic Slashdot already gets would be to slashdot them! Oh well, guess the editors didn't agree....

another one

[Account 10]

Subject: Re: New Pill makes your semen taste sweet-she'll swallow and love it
To: 0sandmn0@w150.aone.net.au, 01bb932d.0fe13750@startpuntwoning.nl
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/20/2002

Men, Do You Want to Increase the Amount of Oral Sex You Receive by 5 to 10 Times?

Now, Make Oral Sex a Treat . . . Instead of a Job!

SweetenZe is a new all herbal pill that can make your semen actually taste sweet.

No more salty or bitter taste. 98% of women say they would perform more oral sex and even swallow, if there partners semen tasted better.

Now with a single pill that makes you taste sweet, you can increase the amount of oral sex you receive by 10 times or more. Women all over the world are finally loving performing oral sex on there men.

There's nothing better than that intense feeling you get as your lover swallows every last drop. Try a bottle of SweetenZe if your not completely satisfied we'll refund 100% of your money. or Call 626-440-1747

This sounds like an interesting product, but it creates an intriguing dilemma for me.

I'm a highly disgruntled teenage employee of a Dunkin' Donuts in a location I probably shouldn't disclose. Even though it would appear that I have my whole life ahead of me, the present looks very bleak. I'm earning $5.50 an hour, working about 10 hours a week after school and on weekends selling donuts and coffee to a surly, unpleasant group of adults who should be laying off the high carbs. How these dangerously obese tight-asses gain such a thrill being nasty and mean while not allowing that to interfere with their passion for eating is beyond me. Long story short: I hate it here. Sure I could get another job, but with the hours I have to give being a high school student, it would just wind up being another fast food place because I'm not taking up elderly booty wiping duty.

Of course, if my parents just gave me a reasonable allowance, which they can afford to do, I wouldn't have to waste my time in this doughy hell with these horrible, doughy people. Unfortunately my folks don't want me to be spoiled and they're trying to show me the benefits of earning money. I can't say that I've learned that particular lesson. The only thing I have learned that there is no such thing as satisfaction for a job well done when your job itself is completely unsatisfying.

So I'm stuck here. That combined with the fact that I'm a 16-year-old virgin with a woody that just wont quit and demoralizing acne that might as well spell out: "kill me" tends to build up a little bile. For the last few months, I've been choosing to exorcise this bile with a hefty side-dish of semen, straight into the donut batter when no one's been looking.

Now, the donuts definitely taste funny according to a few customer complaints, so I'm undoubtedly going to be caught soon. If I could "sweeten the deal" with your product, that would totally rock, but I don't know if I'd get the same satisfaction out of doing it, even though I could probably get away with doing it for way longer. But what if they start liking the donuts more than they used to?

Sure they're still gobbling down my boys, but if there's no remote clue like the current twinge of funk, it just isn't the same for me. I need to be able to think, "yeah, take THAT, jerkoff!", and not be swarmed by a hungry mob, Night of the Living Dead-style, feasting for more of my sweatmeat, chanting "mmmm... jizznuts... jiiiiizzznuuuutsss". This totally might backfire, causing my particular Dunkin' Donuts to become wildly popular, and forcing me into being overworked on my shitty salary!

So before I buy this stuff from you, I would need to know exactly what effect the outcome (and oh, do I mean out-come) might be in the donut batter. Would the donuts taste better than donuts with standard-issue semen, and worse than an untainted donut, or would such a heavenly delicacy be created that I could probably consider "going legit" and opening a franchise of my own featuring my special secret ingredient?

Personally, I just can't wait to walk up to the sophomore I have an eye on and use the "Hey little girl, want to have some candy?" line when propositioning her.

Jon

yet another

[redink1]

Wow, that went down fast. Here is one of them that I managed to glimpse at:

Dear Madam/Sir Hydrogen Peroxide AS (HPAS) is leading producer of all concentrations of Hydrogen Peroxide at its state of art production facilities in Turkey. Our production capacity is 20 000 Tons per year on a 100% concentration basis. If you can inform us of your requirements such as packing, quantity and any other commercial preferences we would like to offer you our competitive prices with the higest quality hydrogen peroxide. If you would like to get further information about our company and products please visit our web site at: www.hydrogenperoxide-tr.com Please do not hesitate to contact me through my mail : hgulec@comnet.com.tr Ask HPAS hydrogen peroxide from your chemical importes/supplier Sincerely yours. H. GULEC

You, my friend, have made a very wise decision in contacting me, but I assume you must already know that given who I am. Just in case you merely got lucky: The name's Jonathan Land, and I made headlines in newspapers all over the US as the world's largest importer of Hydrogen Peroxide back in the 80's. I manufactured "Imitation Swede" girls at my club The Swede Den. Back then people with a Swede tooth just loved the velvety-soft feel of Swede. Do you remember the Swedish Bikini Team from the Budweiser ads? Well, they were the Harlem Boys Choir before I got to them. That's an extreme example, but it was a challenge, and I'm proud we were able to pull it off. Our only other African-American male to Swedish female transformation was a member of the Jackson 5. He only went partially through the process and then had a change of heart. I dare not reveal his name because I don't want to take responsibility for the incomplete work. Anyhoo, we pumped pure Hydrogen Peroxide through the mandatory thrice-daily showers and we used Sharpie markers to make the future Swedes' eyes blue. It was so cute when they stumbled around. Unfortunately the business eventually failed because of the mental capacity of the girls who wanted to become Imitation Swedes in the first place. Most of the girls' idea of a Swedish accent is going "ya, ya, oh yaaaah" over and over. They forgot to capture the forlorn depression and emotional wear from binge drinking in "the dark months". Even though they were never advertised as anything more than "Swedishish", people were still let down by the lack of authenticity. The irony is that these girls came to California because they think they can be actresses. Fast forward to today: I'm now on a Mission. I founded the Church of Our Mistress of the Perpetual Blonde in Hollywood last year to make girls' dreams come true, or at the very least start them on a downward spiral that will thoroughly shatter their dreams once and for all. We take runaways and young actresses that can't find representation and give them everything they need to "make it" as a star. By "star" I mean Cinemax B-movie queen or stripper. We have a working partnership with Back Alley Bargain Breast Implants. The turnout of girls who lash out at their parents and/or can't get work has been phenomenal lately, and I and my staff can't turn them out as starlets fast enough. Our blonding process (known as The Baptism) is essentially throwing a girl in a Hydrogen Peroxide-filled bathtub for three days with a snorkel and an i.v. but there's currently a Hydrogen Peroxide shortage in California, and we've already drained all of the local drug stores. We've had a complete drought for a month. Right now we have about 300 girls with inch-long dark roots shivering in a corner of the basement, hiding in fear that they'll be seen and exposed as frauds. I bought them a few cans of yellow spray paint to tide them over, but they keep breaking their nails while trying to braid the hair like that. So I can really use your service right about now. I'll need A LOT of the stuff. Approximately 500 gallons a month. I don't care how you send it to us. How much would that run me? Father Figure Jonathan Land Church of Our Mistress of the Perpetual Blonde

what?

[Quasar1999]

If I had enough time to reply to even 1/10th the spam I get, there would be 45 hours in a day!

Another one...

[Anonymous Coward]

Subject: Re: Do You Come Too Quickly in Bed?? To: PleasureSex@dnafrica.co.za, eraseus@yahoo.com From: Jonathan Land Date: 01/19/2001

Do You Come Too Quickly in Bed??

Get your S E X Life Roaring with IMPULSE http://www.cosmoseffect.com/impulse.html

I'm so glad you asked that, because I do, but -get this- it's only in my bed at home. I'm assuming you're some sort of doctor like the one pictured on your very professional-looking website, so maybe you can help me out here.

I've been married to the same woman now for 12 years, and after all this time and all that sex with the same woman over and over again , I still reach the point of orgasm in under 5 minutes. Hell, I've watched her give birth 3 times, and after you've seen that, well you're a doctor, you wouldn't know how that looks to a regular guy, but trust me, you live your life riddled with fear that there's something worse in there, like a bear trap or something, ready to de-peepee you at any moment, I don't know. I don't know much about woman-specific-parts like vaginas or fingernails or long hair or stuff like that, so I don't know if women can actually develop stuff like bear traps or anything metallic and sharp at all in the womb, but you get what I'm saying... it's possible. You hear about stuff like that all the time.

Anyway, there is another major factor that makes my sexual efficiency at home a particularly strange fact.

The factor: I have tons of sex all the time, with my secretary, the customers at the auto body shop, the cleaning lady, her cleaning lady, my brother's girlfriend, even hot cheerleaders from several private high schools in the area, and it lasts a really long time. Upwards of an hour or so, but even after a long night of making love to a couple of strippers, if I do it with my wife right afterwards, it's over, and it's not like I can say "Well, Dear, you wouldn't be laughing and pointing if you saw my sexual performance earlier this afternoon". I just pray to God that her sister won't tell her about my sexual performance earlier this afternoon either, and so I'll just let her think I'm sexually incompetent. What else can I do? I CAN'T WIN!

Now, I wouldn't call myself a "stud", or a "hustler", or a "sex maniac", or a "sex freak", or a "sex addict", or a "sexaholic", or a "rat cheating bastard", or even an " aggressive philanderer", but I've had more than my share of sex and you'd think that my stamina would go straight across the board, whether we're talking about the glory-hole in the men's room at the weird bar downtown, or my wife! Right? (By the way, how do they get those women in on the other side of the glory-hole. I never see a woman come into the men's room, but there's someone there. Now that's what I call magic.)

So I've come to the conclusion that it must be the bed. That's the only place we have sex, every third Thursday of the month. I was trying to test my theory by having sex with her on the floor, but I came instantly once again, so it must be some kind of electro-magnetic or radiation field generated from the bed. When we have sex again in a few weeks I'm going to suggest we do it in the basement. I just re-insulated it for the winter, and the bed's on the 2nd floor, so hopefully that'll help block out the bed's gamma rays, or whatever they are. I used Thinsulate, and that stuff's the best, although I don't know if I applied the scientific method properly to this whole situation. I also have one of those big Persian rugs on the floor above. it's real heavy, it has to be bouncing out the direct rays from the ceiling above.

Anyhoo, just as I was considering shopping for a new bed, your email came and, hell, since you're a professional I thought I'd ask. I rarely open up like this.

The only other possible explanation I've been kicking around is that I somehow love my wife and we have some sort of bond so deep that only my subconscious and basic motor skills respond to it, but I don't believe in all that psychic-esp stuff so that's a little too X-Files for me. I'm a pretty bright guy, If I thought I still loved her, I'd know. right?

I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say,

Jonathan Land

IMPULSE for MEN: Intensifies Pleasure and Satisfaction Increases Energy and Endurance Longer Lasting and Firmer Erections

IMPULSE for WOMEN: Formula Designed Especially for Women by Women Intensifies Pleasure, Enhances Orgasms Revitalizes S E X Drive Enhances Vaginal Lubrication

It's Fun, Safe, and Effective. and you don't even need a perscription.

Get more information NOW Go to: http://www.cosmoseffect.com/impulse.html

Re:Why?

[Account 10]

He's not replying in order to communicate with the spammer ... it's a hobby, or a job - at any rate it's getting him publicity and work

TheSpamLetters.com has been featured in The Washington Post, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, The Houston Chronicle, WCCO-TV, Bizarre Magazine, and almost 200 various websites.

He [Jonathan Land] has made appearances on an E.P. with one-hit wonders (in America, at least) Chumbawamba, and on a compilation of reworked pieces from Fiddler on the Roof for Knitting Factory Works records.

Newest addition to his list...

[Akardam]

To: webmaster@slashdot.org
Subject: Re: Re: Increase your hits!
Date: 03/23/2002

Dear Webmaster,

Have you heard about our wonderfull new marketing tool, the Slashdot Effect?

*snip*

I don't want more hits, already! You've given me enough! Fuck off!

Google Cache

[bdigit]

Google Cache

Re:Google Cache

[Oink.NET]

i just wish it would be possible to browse within the cache

You can browse within the cache at archive.org... Try this.

Re:Google Cache

[instinctdesign]

Yeah, there's not much there in the google cache. I checked over at the Internet Wayback Machine and there is an older listing for the site, but heck... every little bit helps I guess.

Job Application

[EricKrout.com]

Here's one. Please don't mod this redundant when (if?) the site ever gets back online.
---
Author's Note: Brilliant suggestions for this one were made by Kate Guttman. Subject: Re: Re: Re: job application
To: perumal perumal
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/20/2001

At 12:36 PM +0000 2/20/01, perumal perumal wrote:
Dear Mr. Jonathan Land

Well received your e-mail tks noted. this my reply for your questions.

Question 1) your company professionalitic approch and adharence to latest technology, really attracted me. Also you are Quench to finout the real reasonce behind every event (happening) has made my options simple and easy.

Yes, we do pride ourselves in being ahead of the curve in everything from new technology to abstract stitching theory. There's no point in being professionalitic if you're keeping your behind in the times. Good eye, my boy!

Question 2) My professional qualifications in garment manufacturing technology and 4 long years of work experience incatering the neeeds of world renowmad brand's like Wal-Mart, Jc-Penney, Tommy Hilfiger,Total kidswear, Hudson Bay, etc., extensive connectings with leading spinning & knitting mills, leading quality manufacturing production units in India.

When you say "4 long years", I'm not sure what you mean. Are "long years" a different measurement on the Indian calendar? How many American years is one Indian long year? Are you guys on some sort of metric system there (10 days to a week, 10 weeks to a month, 10 months to a year)?

Question 3) As a loyal exployee have to be faithful to my employer, hence i will try my level best traceout the culprit. I will not revel my employer's instructions to anybody in the organisations or outside. It wil be kept as confidencial mater.

Question 4) " 1 " ( i don't want to be behind of anybody)

Well, then you should have said "10" because you will now be earning 1 dollar an hour. I'd like to point out that this is perfectly legal, and contractually binding, by the way.

Question 5) I would like to spend my timing for the young orphance who are denied the love and care of the parents.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????!!!!! How the fuck did you fucking find the fuck out that I'm a fucking orphan? FUCK!!! People around here think my bloodline is rich with both aristocracy and nobility. Your intense research into the company has crossed the line now that it's delved into my personal life.

Well here's the rest of the story... the part that they didn't publish in the papers. It was one of your people that took my parents away. It was a dark and stormy night back when I was only 7 years old. They took me down to the "Little India" part of New York City around 27th and Lexington to score some coke from Niketu Kothadia, one of the notorious leaders of the Indian Mafia Boyz, an outfit so well organized that they even have a website. Can you dig it? Here they are flaunting the success of their various businesses, each one more illegal than its predecessor, each one fronting a market blacker than the next: http://members.tripod.com/digitalbiz/chill.html

Anyway, Kothadia got a fresh batch of stuff in so of course, mommy and daddy had to try it... what wasn't known was that it was cut with pure yellow curry. I dropped my beanie and my large spiral lollypop on the floor looking at something shiny. By the time I adjusted my back brace into the upright position, I saw mommy and daddy foaming at the nose and mouth, it was a dark, dark yellow, darker than the most scorching urine or most dark yellowist of beers. Then the rebel forces barged in and shot everyone... except me.

Needless to say I'm scarred for life. When they do a news story on that new curry-alternative to mustard gas, I cringe. When I see a movie with Tim Curry, I gasp (but really, who doesn't). When I curry favor, I have a flashback that makes LSD look as effective as a food stamp.

I have a restraining order from every Indian restaurant in a 100 mile radius.

Are you happy now???? ARE YOU HAPPY? I'm an orphan... wooo!!!

Watch your back. If I ever catch up with you, I'm going to go all Bruce Wayne on your ass!

We're not hiring at this point in time, Nosy Nelly,

Jonathan Land

Re:Why?

[blang]

I write messages to their webmasters instead,
hoping that it'll show up in their error logs. They're probably never read, but it's nice to vent.

Something like:
http://spammer.com/index.html.IDontWantAnyF rikkinT highCream.IfYoureAWebmasterForTheseFraudsISuggestY ouGetYourselfArealJobYouDespcicableMoron

einsturzende neubauten renamed "fluffy bunnies"

[Dr. Awktagon]

*LOL* that was the first one I read. Where he wanted to buy steel for the band's instruments. Then the slashdot effect kicked in. oh well

Now keep in mind, MANY spammers don't know the full impact of what they are doing. They are simply small businesses who have been approached by spamming companies promising a "great way to reach customers". The businessman doesn't know much about the internet and figures that this is just like direct mail only cheaper. So occasionally this guy is messing with legit small businesses. Not that there's anything wrong with that..

I somehow was able to read another one...

[EricKrout.com]

Again, please don't mod this redundant when (if?) his site gets back online....
---

Author's Note: Thanks to Jeff Hobbs for sharing his bounty. I know it's not spam, but misdirected email is good enough for me. All the comments and replies are from Jeff, I chime in as Bubs. Subject: A word about Jayson
To: Amos304@aol.com
From: Jeff Hobbs / Jonathan Land
Date: 05/19/2001

I've been getting misdirected email from this girl for a while:

> hey stranger. sorry it has taken me soooo long to write back. I have been a
> very very busy crazy woman. I did go out last week. and had a lot of fun.
> oh, by the way we're all going out next Saturday to celebrate my birthday,
> Stella's birthday, and Courtney's (nurse in family medicine) birthday. but
> mainly for my 30th. if you're not doing anything you're more than welcome to
> come on down. i'm having a slumber party at my house for those that can't
> drive home or that live too far away.
> How are you and your girlfriend getting along? is it any better? I sure
> hope so. you are such a sweet good looking guy. you shouldn't have problems
> like these already in life. Life is tooo short. Well my ex and i pretty
> much don't speak at all to one another any more. or should i say since
> easter. i don't know what his problem is. one minute he tells me we have to
> get along for emily's sake and we'll be friends. the next he's telling to
> get the hell out of the house and not come back. see, i still have a lot of
> stuff still at the house. because when i moved out he told me that it might
> be only for a short period and that way i wouldn't have so much to move back
> if we decided to get back together. well needless to say we decided not to
> get back together. which really i have never been happier. he just makes it
> tough for me because like i said one minute he says i can depend on him
> (which at times i really don't want to feel like i have to depend on him, i
> want to be able to do on my own) and then i have to wait and wait until he
> can do something for me at his convienece. I have pretty much stopped doing
> that. and it has made it easier. for example like changing the oil in my
> car.
> Every other weekend he has emily. and at least one night my girlfriend
> and i go out. and i hear flack from him about that. he doesn't believe in
> going out especially to bars!!!! you know me, I'm a people person. actually
> i don;t go out to drink, you can ask tracey when we're out people will ask
> where i'm at and tracey will point to the dance floor. that's what i love to
> do is DANCE!!!! it's also good exercise. ha ha. so, has your company sent
> you anyplace else lately? i better go for now it's getting late. email me
> soon. if you would like to come down for the party let me know and we can
> celebrate your birthday too. Tracey and Karen(from work) are going to have a
> big cookout at my house before we go out so no one goes out on an empty
> stomach. and of course we'll be drinking before we go out. Karen talked
> about making Jell-o shots. who knows what will happen, this should make for
> an interesting evening to say the least. Stella is coming down from PA.
> anyway just let me know and if you want to stay as well you're more than
> welcome. talk to you soon.
>
> Love,
> Amy
>

which I generally ignore and you can probably tell why. Then I get this last week:

> Jayson,
>
> hey you. whatcha been upto? i haven't heard back from you in ages. just
> worried about you. i figure your busy. just checking on you. you haven't
> been to the office since you went to florida. did they keep you down there?
> or probably had too much fun. so, how have you been doing? oh, by the way
> "HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY"!!!!! how was your birthday. mine to say the least
> was interesting. HA HA!!! the girls at the office were asking if i had heard
> from you anymore and you hadn't been in the office. see, we keep track of the
> good reps that come in. better go for now. keep in touch.
>
> Amy

So in a fit of random evil, I send her this:

> Amy,
>
> The reason you haven't heard from me in a while is I've been in jail. I really
> don't want to talk about it, and if you ever ask me about it in person, I'll
> completely deny it.
>
>Jayson

and I sort of forgot about it until I got this today:

> Jayson,
>
> i'm sorry to here that. no problem. i was just concerned that's all. i
> won't pressure you, but if you ever need to talk i'm always here. and i mean
> that.
>
> sincerely,
> Amy

so I'm thinking that instead of just being moderately evil and fucking with this guy Jayson's life, I could be all out evil and ask The Master, Jon Land, if he would compose a short missive to Amy and maybe explain his jail time a bit more.

Or is that too much? I don't know anymore. Anyway, Jon, I'll forget that 10$ if you whip out a letter to Amy.

~Jeff

Dear Amy,

I'm not a particularly jealous man, but I couldn't help notice the highly sexual tones of your correspondence with Jayson. I know I shouldn't be reading his email, but when the warden called him out of the library for a cigarette deal, he had me fight off all the other inmates who were vying for the computer he was using, and I just couldn't help myself.

Since Jayson is my roommate, my best friend, and my lover (better known to folks on the outside as "prison bitch"), I am very protective of the special relationship that we have.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Bubs, it's short for Bubba, you know, like the President... although theoretically there should be a new President in office by now. By the time all the news gets edited and shown to us (we're consistently 2 years behind the times) a lot changes in the world.... we might as well have been living in Sweden! Just because we're in the psych ward, they think we can't handle it, but we can FUCKING HANDLE IT!!! WE FUCKING CAN!

I really am worried that as soon as Jayjay gets out of here he'll forget me and return to women. His return to a life of crime is a given. I can't imagine that the Italians that he used to get his stuff from would touch him with a 10-foot pole though. I know he's into chicks and he's just with me for the power, and I've tried to make myself more feminine for him. Unfortunately, while the fatty foods that they feed us to keep us sluggish and docile have formed supple man-boobs on my doughy, tender flesh, I think he's... whatever the male, prison equivalent of "lesbian until graduation" is, and I'm concerned that my efforts are in vain.

But something deep within me thinks I can change him, and the best shot I have is if you leave him the hell alone. Jayson won't tell me anything about you, but I know you'll work your vagina voodoo and take him from me. Please give me my chance. I love him. I really do.

He's coming back. Bye,
Bubs

Here's another - "How do you capture ..."

[Bowfinger]

I thought this one was pretty good:

We have spent many painstaking hours trying to capture the pride of the American spirit since the 9-11-01 tragedy that struck the WTC. While watching the news we noticed how the American Spirit unites in these times of pain and loss.

This is why we present to you the 9-11 Commemorative Mouse Pads and T-Shirts.

(Followed by pictures of mousepads and t-shirts with 9/11 theme ...)

I haven't seen t-shirts demonstrating this sort of artistry and tactical business savvy since the OJ Simpson trial!

Well, God Bless America, and it is the Land of Opportunity and all that jazz, but I have one small suggestion I'd like to make about your merchandise. A lot of people might be hesitant to purchase 9/11-oriented products if they don't at least say that a portion of the proceeds will go to charity.

If you're going to capitalize, you've got to do it right, and I can help you!

I just so happens that I established the "Heroic Tribute To Heroic American Heros Fund" before you could say "Look, the second tower fell!" On the paperwork I claim that it's for some brave act to be performed in honor of the fallen (whatever that means), but it's really intended to put the "F" "U" back in "fund"! There are enough legit organizations out there anyway, and there's way too much cash being donated than is needed for these folks who claim to be "affected" by this tragedy.

So if we can work out an arrangement where you throw in a portion of your proceeds to my fund (say 5%), It'll also make would-be customers think you're on the level, and not the cashing-in sort of hack your advertisement and website make you out to be. Your sales will skyrocket, making your investment in me worth it!

Trust me, this is a golden opportunity. Are you in or are you going to be selling these t-shirts for a buck a pop along with those "Y2K - The World Blew Up And All The Cockroaches Found Was This Lousy T-shirt!" t-shirts?

I'm looking forward to doing business with you,

Jonathan Land

Dear Spammer..

[ZaneMcAuley]

I send them back spam, i fill out every form I can find with their ISP and their(if i can get it) REAL address.

And a picture taken from the mail headers using the following tools...

eMailTrackerPro and VisualRoute

http://www.visualware.com/emailtrackerpro/index. ht ml

http://www.visualware.com/visualroute/index.html

Not a good idea

[Monkeyman334]

I think this does more to further spam, not just for himself, but for everyone. Especially if more people take up his strategy. If X company decides they wants to announce their product, and Y spammer says "Oh, we get 30% replies to all our email marketing." Then I think X company is a lot more likely to send out more spam because they think it's working. I think it's best never to buy anything from spammers for that reason. If it's really something you're interested in, and just desperately need, make sure not to give the spam credit for the sale. Say a friend referred you, and get your friend some bucks.

Re:Not a good idea

[Megs]

And Y spammer would never lie about the number of replies received. That would be downright scummy, and we all know that people who send bulk email hold themselves to a higher standard.
</sarcasm>

Also, I'm pretty sure very few of us have the time to reply creatively to a lot of spam, or want to make that our new time-sucking hobby. I doubt it would be statistically significant.

So far, I have yet to be spammed for anything I want: I don't want hot teens or any variation thereof, I don't have a penis to lengthen or keep erect, I'm earning a real degree that will come with a much nicer diploma, I don't have credit card debt or want to morgage anything, and I definitely don't need to boost Windows speed (I run OS X). I'm not really worried about being tempted by any of the ludicrous and shady offers that come via my old Hotmail account.

Meghan

Fun with Snail Mail...

[phraktyl]

When AOL used to fit on a floppy (wow---that was quite a while ago...) and people generally had 30 of them just laying around the house, I would send the AOL floppies back to any company I got junk mail from in their own postage-paid return envelopes.

To bad the CDs don't fit as well.

Re:Fun with Snail Mail...

[fliplap]

I used todo the same thing, and I got all disappointed when they started mailing CDs. Now i just cut the CDs in half and stick em in the envelope. In fact, you can usually fit most of AOL's packing material in there as well.

Re:Fun with Snail Mail...

[spike hay]

Put the CD in a microwave. It looks really cool when it comes out.

Here are the directions.

Why not?

[NanoGator]

People post here all the time and never get noticed... *G*

/.ed....here is one i got

[AsnFkr]

Subject: Re: New Pill makes your semen taste sweet-she'll swallow and love it
To: 0sandmn0@w150.aone.net.au, 01bb932d.0fe13750@startpuntwoning.nl
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/20/2002

Men, Do You Want to Increase the Amount of Oral Sex You Receive by 5 to 10 Times?

Now, Make Oral Sex a Treat . . . Instead of a Job!

SweetenZe is a new all herbal pill that can make your semen actually taste sweet.

No more salty or bitter taste. 98% of women say they would perform more oral sex and even swallow, if there partners semen tasted better.

Now with a single pill that makes you taste sweet, you can increase the amount of oral sex you receive by 10 times or more. Women all over the world are finally loving performing oral sex on there men.

There's nothing better than that intense feeling you get as your lover swallows every last drop. Try a bottle of SweetenZe if your not completely satisfied we'll refund 100% of your money. or Call 626-440-1747

This sounds like an interesting product, but it creates an intriguing dilemma for me.

I'm a highly disgruntled teenage employee of a Dunkin' Donuts in a location I probably shouldn't disclose. Even though it would appear that I have my whole life ahead of me, the present looks very bleak. I'm earning $5.50 an hour, working about 10 hours a week after school and on weekends selling donuts and coffee to a surly, unpleasant group of adults who should be laying off the high carbs. How these dangerously obese tight-asses gain such a thrill being nasty and mean while not allowing that to interfere with their passion for eating is beyond me. Long story short: I hate it here. Sure I could get another job, but with the hours I have to give being a high school student, it would just wind up being another fast food place because I'm not taking up elderly booty wiping duty.

Of course, if my parents just gave me a reasonable allowance, which they can afford to do, I wouldn't have to waste my time in this doughy hell with these horrible, doughy people. Unfortunately my folks don't want me to be spoiled and they're trying to show me the benefits of earning money. I can't say that I've learned that particular lesson. The only thing I have learned that there is no such thing as satisfaction for a job well done when your job itself is completely unsatisfying.

So I'm stuck here. That combined with the fact that I'm a 16-year-old virgin with a woody that just wont quit and demoralizing acne that might as well spell out: "kill me" tends to build up a little bile. For the last few months, I've been choosing to exorcise this bile with a hefty side-dish of semen, straight into the donut batter when no one's been looking.

Now, the donuts definitely taste funny according to a few customer complaints, so I'm undoubtedly going to be caught soon. If I could "sweeten the deal" with your product, that would totally rock, but I don't know if I'd get the same satisfaction out of doing it, even though I could probably get away with doing it for way longer. But what if they start liking the donuts more than they used to?

Sure they're still gobbling down my boys, but if there's no remote clue like the current twinge of funk, it just isn't the same for me. I need to be able to think, "yeah, take THAT, jerkoff!", and not be swarmed by a hungry mob, Night of the Living Dead-style, feasting for more of my sweatmeat, chanting "mmmm... jizznuts... jiiiiizzznuuuutsss". This totally might backfire, causing my particular Dunkin' Donuts to become wildly popular, and forcing me into being overworked on my shitty salary!

So before I buy this stuff from you, I would need to know exactly what effect the outcome (and oh, do I mean out-come) might be in the donut batter. Would the donuts taste better than donuts with standard-issue semen, and worse than an untainted donut, or would such a heavenly delicacy be created that I could probably consider "going legit" and opening a franchise of my own featuring my special secret ingredient?

Personally, I just can't wait to walk up to the sophomore I have an eye on and use the "Hey little girl, want to have some candy?" line when propositioning her.

Jon

Isn't this

[nzhavok]

going to result in the guy getting more and more spam? So he replies so spam ensuring that he gets placed back onto spam lists, which means he gets more spam, more replies more spam lists...

Mabye I should forward him some of my spam, although I wonder if he speaks Korean, shit I don't but those koreans are persistant little bastards!

Oh well you gotta love the replies though, "My father died of a horrible kidney disease" becomes "welcome to darwinism in progess" lol.

Here's an older collection of spam responses

[cecil36]

Shifman Is a Moron Spammer

I think we all can enjoy another good laugh at the idiocity of one Bernard Shifman. I'm surprised he was still spamming as of 2/16.

Re:Here's an older collection of spam responses

[Tuzanor]

This is my favorite one from this link:

Mr. Spammer, you swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you my not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.

You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

In other words, go away.

Re:Here's an older collection of spam responses

[Rogerborg]

The part that really concerns me about Moron Shifman is that if you listen to his stalker voicemails (before he loses the plot) he actually comes across as the kind of slimy but plausible motherfucker that clueless management actually does like to give money to, in lieu of spending ten seconds finding someone who has half an idea what they are talking abobut.

It disturbs me that Shifman is actually a genuine consulatant, and that he's making living money. The problem isn't really with him, it's with the lazy ignorant idiots who actually buy his arrogant drawling presentation style. Similarly with spam in general, the problem is that if even one out of a million victims bite, the spammer comes out ahead of the game.

Re:/. 'd already..

[rehannan]

The time zone is set in your user preferences somewhere. Have a look.

http://slashdot.org/users.pl?op=edithome

I got one more (it's about bowling)

[EricKrout.com]

Please don't mod this as redundant when (if?) the guy's site comes back to life. Thanks.

Author's Note: Spam donated by Jeff Hobbs. Subject: Re: Are You a BOWLER? Check Out the HOTTEST NEW BOWLING BALL!
To: joebowler@skybiz.com, itstrikes@bigfoot.com
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/13/2002

How would you like to be the first in your bowling league to get your hands on the newest bowling ball from this innovative company? This new ball comes with a multi-density weight block with 800 grit sanded surface. This ball is so versatile, you can use it out of the box for heavy oil, or it can be shined to combat any condition. This ball has a very controlled break-point, which means higher scores and predictability.

Just some technical data for the serious bowler:

Radius of Gyration - Medium (2.530)
Differential - Medium (.050)
Hook Potential - 20 / 14 Dull/ Shiny on a scale of 1-20
Track Flare Potential - 6.5
Factory Finish Length - 6 on a scale of 1-10
Factory Finish Back-End - 8 on a scale of 1-10
Composition - Highly Reactive Urethane
Color - Lemon / Lime .......Very Attractive!
D-Scale - 76-78 Hardness

So if you would like some more information on this brand new product and want to be the envy of all your league bowlers, simply contact us at itstrikes@bigfoot.com and put "More Info Wanted" in the subject line and we will send along a website and some information about how to reserve yours today!

Hello,

I'd like to counter your proposition with another: How would YOU like to be the first in YOUR industry to get a piece of the newest innovative sport: Extreme Vertical Bowling.

We're looking for a manufacturer for league balls. These will have to be custom made to withstand several drops from approximately 10,000 ft in the air.

This is how it works in a nutshell: The bowlers will be outfitted with a ball and a parachute. For each frame, the bowlers are loaded onto a plane that climbs to 12,000 ft. Once the bowler jumps from the plane with ball in hand, they have 2,000 feet to release it, or they're "over the line". Then, and only then, are they allowed to pull the ripcord for their parachute. Repeat times 10.

They'll be aiming at 10 pins secured vertically over a 4x4 ft. target. The target itself will be made out of industrial strength Nerf, so the ball should be fine. However, dependant on how far off target our bowlers are (a.k.a. throwing a "craterball"), the ball could be landing on a variety of surfaces.

Can you please let me know if such a ball is feasible?

Jonathan Land
CEO, Extreme Vertical Bowling, LLC.

P.S. I know, what you're thinking... you're thinking: "Can't people get hurt like this?" I mean, really, any sporting event can go haywire... look at how many stray golf balls give folks concussions!

I got a few of the letters mirrored

[ghastard]

You can access some here

Don't even look at it...

[neema]

Beyond not responding to spam, I don't use those "remove me" links at the bottom. That's just asking for your name to be on the confirmed active list and distributed some more.

while you're waiting for this /.ing to end...

[kalinh]

why don't you sit back and listen to the soothing sounds of http://spamradio.com/.

It's a work of art really. A digitized voice reading spam over royalty free ambient soundscapes.

Here is on I got...

[JonWan]

I want to answer just haven't. The formatting kinda got screwed up. the headers were forged and it looks like he (?) used a highschool DNS server that has an open mail relay on it. Should I tell him I have the "vortex" he needs? ;-)

If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human and or have
the technology to travel physically through time I need your help!

My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!!
I have suffered tremendously and am now dying!

I need to be able to:

Travel back in time.

Rewind my life including my age back to 4.

I am in very great danger and need this immediately!

I need as close to temporal reversion as possible, as safely as
possible.
To be able to rewind the hands of time in such a way that the
universe of
now will cease to exist.
I know that there are some very powerful people out there with
alien or
government equipment capable of doing just that.
I am aware of two types of time travel one in physical form and
the other
in energy form where a snapshot of your brain is taken using
either the
dimensional warp or an electronic device and then sends your
consciousness
back through time to part with your younger self. Please explain
how safe and what your method involves.

I have a time machine now, but it has limited abilitys and is
useless
without
a vortex.

If you can provide information on how to create vortex generator
or
where I can get some of the blue glowing moon crystals this would
also
be helpful. I am however concerned with the high level of
radiation these
crystals give off, if you could provide a shielding or other
crystals
which give off a north polarized vortex field just as strong or
strong
enough to make a watch stop this would be great.

Only if you have this technology and can help me exactly as
mentioned
please send me a (SEPARATE) email to: IneedTimeTravel@aol.com

Please do not reply if your an evil alien!
Thanks

Come on...

[mlknowle]

I write comments on Slashdot.... is it really that much different?

At least the automated replies *acknowledge* that they don't read what I write...

Large sterilizer for sale - $9,875

[Oink.NET]

Subject: Re: Large sterilizer for sale - $9,875
To: pemed@wperfect.com
From: Joan Land <joan@incomplete.net>
Date: 11/14/2001

Amsco model "Full VAC" large steam and vacuum sterilizer for sale, $9,875. Features: 24 x 36 x 48" chamber
single door
circular strip chart recorder
new in 1977, under full maintenance until removal
automatic operation
self contained high volume vacuum pump

Hi, I have 2 questions about your sterilizer. 1). Is it permanent? 2). What are the side effects? I really want to have my husband sterilized but I still want to use him for my non-reproductive womanly needs. I love the big lummox, but if the man had children branded with his dna, it would be like littering. Once I asked him to get a vasectomy. He asked me why, and I told him it was because the thought of him reproducing made me fear for humanity. Then he assured me that the process of him copying his cds onto mp3 wasn't contributing to the decline of modern civilization, except he stated it as "Yo, I ain't hurtin' no one!" Do you see what I mean? He's not going to go peacefully, so I figured I can throw a pie into the middle of your machine as a trap, wait until he wanders in, close the door behind him, and then do the ol' zap zap. God I hope this'll work,
Joan Land

For full information. please see our website http://www.pemed.com and look under the "autoclave" section. Thank you for your time and attention. Mark Zirinsky
Production Engineering - Medical Equipment Division
Denver, Colorado USA
1-303-393-7800
1-303-393-1482 (fax)
markz@pemed.com
http://www.pemed.com
If you don't want our email, please let us know.

Re:Why?

[DavidJA]

First off, 99% of the time they're using bogus return addresses, so it's not even possible to send a legitimate reply.

You are right, 99% of the time it's a fake e-mail address, but 100% of the time they are trying sell you something, and because that they almost always give you a method to communicate with them. Most likely it's a web site. (Come to this web site to find out more).

It is then that I actually go to the web site and find as many e-mail addresses as possable (HR, Management, sales, support, webmaster, whatever), and I send them the spam back, with a nice note explaning that I will go home and prey that they get hit by a bus on the way home from work.

If I'm in a bad mood I might even write a script to send them the same e-mail thousands of times, each with a different e-mail address and different subject.

Wrath of Disney

[Oink.NET]

Subject: Re: Snowhite and the Seven Dwarfs - The REAL story!
To: Hahaha <hahaha@sexyfun.net>
From: Jonathan Land <jland@incomplete.net>
Date: 05/11/2001

From: Hahaha
Subject: Snowhite and the Seven Dwarfs - The REAL story!

Today, Snowhite was turning 18. The 7 Dwarfs always where very educated and polite with Snowhite. When they go out work at mornign, they promissed a *huge* surprise. Snowhite was anxious. Suddlently, the door open, and the Seven Dwarfs enter...

Dear Alleged Parodist,

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Disney, and that planet's tightly orbiting moon, the Wonderful World of Litigation. I was forwarded the above electronic copy of an early draft of your manuscript. I'm officially letting you know that you should cease and desist the continued writing of this story immediately. It's never going to press. Not only has a legal precedent been set by an Atlanta judge's stopping of the publication of Alice Randall's "Gone With The Wind" sequel "The Wind Done Gone" (thus giving us at the Disney Corporation the legal go-ahead to take action against you), but your spelling is atrocious, your grammar is vile, and your prose style is reminiscent of a remedial English as a Second Language class in a rural Mississippi prison. While there is nothing to be done about your "child left behind" educational status, we here at Disney realize that you evidently have the rudimentary skills to operate a home computer, and therefore are a potential nuisance. You'll be doing us a big favor by jettisoning all further thoughts about this project of yours right out of your head. Don't even bother correcting your plethora of typos, unless you can learn from your mistakes. You will be doing yourself an even bigger favor by not bringing the money, the manpower, and the wrath of Disney (soon to be Disney/AOL/Time-Warner, but you didn't hear it from me) upon you. If this work appears ANYWHERE, even on the literary black market, you will be hit with a lawsuit faster than you can toss one of the dwarves in your cheap knock-off. Are we understanding each other yet? Mess with us and you'll be lucky to get any children's entertainment besides third-generation bootleg copies of our fifth-rate straight-to-video sequels. You'll be clamoring to access the internet through whatever bandwidth you can get off of two tin cans and a taught string. You will be ecstatic beyond words to be projecting shadow puppets from a fire onto the wall of your cave in lieu of cable. Yes, Mr. Hahaha, we can make your life very difficult in ways a brilliant mind that can manipulate the characters from previously copyrighted material couldn't even conceive of in his wildest dreams. By the way, don't you even try to convince me that this manuscript was solicited by us. Did you know that it's illegal to impersonate a Disney employee? We are THAT POWERFUL. I'm sorry, I need to backtrack for a minute here and return to the content of your story again. I was going to sign off, but your crippled words have left me colder than my boss's cryogenically frozen carcass. Disney on Ice, indeed. You could have at least told the story from the dwarves' perspective, and no, the "dwarves' perspective" isn't simply looking up Snow White's skirt at what I'd imagine to be her big frilly bloomers. Of course, we'll never know what was up Snow White's skirt, because that was never described to us in the original work, and unless a copyright holder chooses to provide us with this information, it simply cannot exist. At least in the "Wind Done Gone" case, the literary piracy was of marginal creative merit. It was hip, it was focused through a multi-cultural lens, and it was a noble attempt at dragging a dated work kicking and screaming from the back of the rusty pickup known as "the Old South" into the spotlight of today's civil, humanitarian society. I can only imagine the base pornography that your "Snowhite" story would quickly deteriorate into given your blatant age-dropping of "18". That's the only mark of intelligence that your writing shows. If it weren't for that, this would wind up being a novel only Roman Polanski could love and purchase the film rights to. Thankfully the law has decreed that it shall never come to that. Thank you for your time. I hope we understand each other here, Jonathan Land, Esq.
Pitbull Attorney With Mouse Ears,
The Disney Corporation P.S. We've shut down every last fan fiction site on the net... We're THAT POWERFUL.

this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[rnd()]

When telemarketers call, I find that the following approach works quite well:

Repeat the word "cornflakes" over and over again until they hang up. My record is 28.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[bdoliver]

Actually the best trick is to keep them on the phone as long as possible. Ask them all about it, and keep asking for more information. Keep asking them to repeat the pitch over and over so you can fully understand it.

They are rated based on call volume. If you suck up hours of their time they don't get great reviews. I kept some poor lady on the phone for over 2 hours one time. She just kept saying "sir I have to make other calls, have you made up your mind?" Makes me laugh.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[micsaund]

I've had good luck when the marketer is female and I do the following:

TM: "Hi, may I speak with Mr. [mispronounced] about this urgent information?"

ME: [in a breathy voice] "Yes, but only if you tell me what you're wearing..."

After that, they hang-up on me. It might also work for male callers, but I have not gotten the balls to try it yet.

Mike

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[donutello]

You're only hurting the poor sob making minimum wage dialing all those numbers - you're not hurting the company paying them to do that - who you have your real gripe with.

I just say "put me on your don't call list" and hang up.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[Snowbeam]

No, you've got to use the Seinfeld approach:

You: You kinda got me at a bad time. How about you give me your phone number and I'll call you back.

Telemarketer: Um, we can't do that sir/madam.

You: Why not?

Telemarketer: We don't like receiving phone calls at home.

You: Now you know how I feel....<click>

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[thogard]

But the poor slob took that job so they are jsut as gulty as telescum...

I had a friend that used this kind of line "Thanks for waking me up, if you have an accident on the way home from work, a surgon will have to put you back together. I hope they aren't as tired as I was last night when I had to put that little girl back together". He's made people cry.

Another thing that works well is something like siding sales people. Set up an apointment and when they are just about to hang up you ask them if they will bring the samples with the pickles on them. Spend the next few minutes showing them a reality that just isn't quite right. Remember its hard to sell stuff to crazy people.

Sometimes you can get very lucky. While I was living in SBC country, I got a call from a call center in the town I used to live in (which was GTE land). They were tring to sell me some useless SBC service (callig from GTE how odd). I found out the town they were calling from and I took a guess of which of the two call centers it was. This freaked out the girl on the phone who put me on to her supervisor who was confused by the fact that I knew way too much about his operation. After that I never got another call from them again.

People in call centers steal from me. They steal my time and they steal my sleep and I will treat them same as if they had broken in to my house and stole my stuff.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[styopa]

A friend of mine worked as a telemarketer before he went to college. Someone tried the first line on him, his responce was something of to the effect of: sure it is xxx-xxx-xxxx, will you, your wife, or two daughters be calling me? I currently live in North Dakota, if you want to spend your time calling me from you nice home at (insert address) I would love to talk to you.

The guy who tried to pull a Seinfeld freaked at the amount of information that my friend had at his fingertips and hung up.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[FIGJAM]

If I can be bothered, I listen to their whole sales pitch to keep THEM on the phone for as long as possible and get their hopes up for a sale. Time is money to them and its all a numbers game. It gives me satisfaction that I'm at least helping them make less money in some way.

A friend of mine would wait until they pause for you to say something... so he pauses and says ... "and then?". They remain silent for a second so he says "aaaaaaaaannnd theeennnnnnnnn??"

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[stuffman64]

My method for dealing with telemarketers:

Is this Mr ?
Yup.
This is from corporation. We are calling to inform you of .

I let them talk to me for like a minute, then interupt:

Hey, I'm kind of in a hurry. I have this comedy routine tonight and I need to practice. Say, you want to hear a joke?

For some reason, most answer yes to this. I also try to be a little more smooth than that. Usually I bust out a few short jokes before leading up to this:

How many telemarketers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2. One to change the lightbulb and another to screw an old lady out of her life savings! Did you know telemarketers don't call other telemarketers? Yea, it's called professional courtesy.

I used to have a few more that I can't remember, ever since I switched to my cell phone and let the answering machine pick up my home calls, I haven't done this in a few years.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[cyberformer]

You are hurting the annoying company, in the sense that for a while you take their minimum wage slaves away from harassing other innocent people. This means that either:

• The company will have to hire more salesdroids, reducing its profit but providing a job for someone otherwise unemployable, or
  
  
• The salesdroid is unable to call as many people during her shift, which reduces the companies sales but benefits all the people who would otherwise have been harassed.

There are more constructive ways to fight evil corporations, but if you have a vindictive personality (and most of us do) this can be satisfying.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[Courageous]

"You're only hurting the poor sob making minimum wage dialing all those numbers..."

If one believes that telemarketing is per se inappropriate or unethical, then it would be the poor sob making minimum wage who took decided to inappropriately contact someone that is to blame.

C//

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[pspeed]

At this point, I just wish they'd actually talk to me. I get eight or more calls a day from auto-dialers that just hang up on me. There should be a law about how high they can set their drop threshold. How can we tell them to stop calling if they don't even pick up? Thank heaven for caller ID.

Anyway, for a guy who gets really serious about his telemarketers (and has too much time on his hands) check out:
http://www.mindspring.com/~dave.heisler/tele .html

Hopefully, it hasn't already been posted here. ;)

Re:Too many connectionsToo many connections

[slickwillie]

Yeah, I wonder if the guy prefers getting spam over DoS attacks^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H slashdot effect?

Batrhoom Book Legend: Letters From a Nut

[cannonball_D]

There is a book called "Letters from a Nut", and there is a sequel, "More Letters from a Nut" (a review of the first can be found here. These are HILARIOUS, and as they have a similar humour and approach, I thought I'd share what I have found to be my favorite bathroom book, as its a page or two at most of hilarious wit, just enough to finish you business, but entertaining enough to extend the visit for a couple more pages if you've got the time. The contents of the book consist of letters written to various corporations and organizations and the humorous responses to his rediculous comments. Here is the text from the back cover, which is a letter that he (Ted L. Nancy) wrote to Sara Lee (the last sentence is the best): Dear Sara Lee, I want to tell you an incident that happened to me yesterday. I have enjoyed your cookies, cakes, and goodies for years. I weigh quite a bit from eating Sara Lee (500). I know your slogan is "NOBODY DOESN"T LIKE SARA LEE." Yesterday at my mosh pary I put out one of your fudge swirl cakes. A female guest (also heavy - 600) said to me "I don't like this." I said, "What do you mean? Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee." She said, "Well, I don't like it." One thing led to another and she came at me with a shrimp fork. (She punctured my arm. Didnt' break skin - luckily). My question: She accused me of using poor English by saying Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Is this poor English? Who is uisng poor English? You and me or her? Can you tell me? Also, can you give me a list of your cakes that I can send her so she will find A SNACK SHE LIKES. To me, everybody do not like something, but NOBODY can say they will do not like Sara Lee. Thank you for clearing this English thing up. Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy

That's based on

[wiredog]

this

No, stop the pain

[agusus]

Error message from the site:

"Too many connectionsToo many connections"

[the server]: Just stop it! Go away! Leave me alone! Can't you see I have enough to do??

Lowtax has been doing this for a while now...

[grunby]

Check out Lowtax's spam page...it's half way down...while you're visiting the ICQ pranks are great too...just look out for the pusher bot...

- grunby

Re:Why?

[shogun]

Whats even more fun is to put HTML tags in your request, ie:

http://spammer.com/<font color=Red size=+3>IDoNotWantToBuyYourLameProducts</fon t>

Then when they go and view their web log reports with a web-based reporting/analysis tool it stands out a little. You could probably be creative with javascript popups etc too..

Re:Fun with Snail Mail... old porn

[simetra]

Take an old porno mag, cut out a crotch-shot, put it in the pre-paid return envelope.
Better yet, since we have the technology, print one out.

Re:Why?

[Shanep]

When spammers don't use BCC, and instead have a large list of emails To'ed or Cc'ed, I like to reply-to-all, defaming their "products", pointing out what they're selling is either crap, illegal or just plain does not work.

Sure, I get lots of spam, but I was getting plenty before that anyway. I think I must be on every fucking mega email list out there.

DId we miss this somehow?

[phiz187]

The author of this article, in his biography, is a member of negativland. Negativland is a music group that has been attacking copyright for some time now. Most notably releasing an album entiled "U2". If you're not familiar with them, it's : http://www.negativland.com/

John Hargrave used to do a similar schtick

[ted_nugent]

If you enjoy such pointless but entertaining letters, check out Zug.

He writes letters to spammers, but also to companies, which is a little more fun because they usually respond at least once.

How I deal with telemarketing

[doublem]

I do one of three things when one of them calls. Usually I just demand to be put on their "Do not call" list, request a copy of their call policy (Required by US law to send it to me) and hang up.

If I'm feeling playful, I pretend to be a 80 year old man who is hard of hearing and afraid of technology, a character I perfected during a high school play years ago. (Played Selsdon in "Noises Off")

If I'm in a REALLY good mood (Got laid within the last 24 hours) I go into my "Fundamentalist Souther Baptist Minister" routine and try to convert the telemarketer.

"Have you found Jesus my child?"

The sad thing is, they stay on the line during this routine. I have had plenty of people hang up with the first tow methods, but every one of them had hung on during the third until I hung up. The current record is 45 minutes.

:)

Fun with Spam

[Constrain_Me]

This reminds me of a site I used to frequent, it seems to be down now but the page can still be found on the google cache... some funny stuff there.

This was a good one.

Insane

IS THIS FOR YOU?

If you answer "yes" to ANY of these questions, then this business is definitely for you:

1) Do you already have a home office in place? (Personal computer, fax capabilities, answering machine, etc.)

2) Do you have an extra 5 - 10 hours per week to commit toward building your own part-time (or full-time) business?

3) Would you be able to read from a script, clearly, and with enthusiasm, a 2 - 3 minute introduction of our products? (NO "cold-calling" is required. Our prospects will call you!)

4) With our system, on average, every 15 calls you make will generate a sale that pays you a commission in excess of $1,000. Can you make that many calls per week? (Per day?)

We're looking for a few quality people with the work ethic necessary to generate a cash-flow for themselves of $2,000 - $5,000 per week, with the intent to increase that to over 5-figures per month, in as little as six months. Someone who can intelligibly read a short script to our qualified leads, and then turn the interested prospects over to our electronic sales medium. You will not be required to do any selling.

If you have the self-discipline to ignore the TV for a couple of hours per day, and if you're looking for a legitimate home-based business opportunity, that IS NOT multi-level marketing, or a chain-letter scheme, then please call our toll-free number, 1-888-123-4567 leave us a message, and we will get right back to you.

We market a real product, that pays real commissions to you, just for making the initial contacts. With our lead generation systems you'll always talk to people who actually WANT to talk to you.

If you answered "YES" to any or all of the above questions, and don't mind earning an extra $1,000, on average, for every 15 phone calls you make, then call this toll-free number:

1-800-123-4567 (Be sure and include the best time for us to reach you.)

You have nothing to lose, there's no risk involved, and you may be qualified to earn thousands of extra dollars per month.

Prosperous regards,

Krishna and Robert

P.S. It is SUGGESTED that you already have a functional home office situation. This greatly reduces your start-up and operating costs, and facilitates you being able to begin immediately. Please, serious inquiries only.


Hi..

Outside of the fact that I was laughing my body parts off at the fact that one of you is named "Krishna", I found some trouble answering the questions in your letter. I was wondering if you could review my answers and tell me whether or not your offer is a good idea for me. I'll just address your letter one segment at a time, if you don't mind.

1) Do you already have a home office in place? (Personal computer, fax capabilities, answering machine, etc.)

Kind of.....well, let me tell you a bit about myself...I live in an insane asylum...I have my own room, and my own answering service. Well, it's not really an answering service, it's another patient. She's an old lady who walks around wearing a tie-dyed nightgown and screaming at the top of her lungs. She says her name is Boris, but something tells me she's wrong about that. Anyways, she's in the asylum because she thinks that the heads of all bald men are actually drum sets. So, whenever she sees a bald guy, she runs and jumps on him and starts slapping the top of his head like she's Ricky Ricardo. It's funny to watch an old lady in a tie dyed nightgown do stuff like that. Anyways, she's good at answering the phones...unless a bald guy walks by while she's taking the message.

I do, obviously, have a personal computer....so that's no problem. I can use it whenever I'm not licking the screen. That's why I'm in this asylum, I like licking small appliances.....it's an obsessive compulsive thing. I really wouldn't even be in here if I hadn't started french kissing a microwave in the Sears Appliance Center.

As far as a fax machine....well, I flushed it down the toilet. It was cheating on me with the vending machine on the second floor.

2) Do you have an extra 5 - 10 hours per week to commit toward building your own part-time (or full-time) business?

Commit....it's funny that you should use that word. Actually, yes I do have that much free time, and I'm excited at the notion of having a home business, because I'd be making money, but I'd still have enough free time to masturbate while flipping through the Circuit City catalog.

3) Would you be able to read from a script, clearly, and with enthusiasm, a 2 - 3 minute introduction of our products? (NO "cold-calling" is required. Our prospects will call you!)

Are you kidding? Enthusiasm is my middle freakin name!! Hell, there's a lot of people here that would like to be salespeople. Hey, after I'm done reading the script, maybe I could have Boris talk to them! She's really convincing, unless she goes into a fit and starts screaming "ARE YOU BALD!?!?! ARE YOU BALD!?!" at the person on the other end of the phone. Don't worry, we'll try to medicate her. Then there's swingin' Eddy...he's in here because he thinks that Hoola Hoops are meant to be jewelry and because he was writing these letters to news anchors asking them if they were naked undearneath the news desk. Personally, I think that's normal....he really wouldn't be in here except he has a hoola hoop ass ring that he insists on wearing all the time. Poor guy....he can never wear pants....and whenver he sits down, he starts to roll away. He'd be a good salesman though, hell, he conviced me to get a hoola hoop nosering. It looks good, and it flies around in circles like a jump rope whenever I sneeze.

4) With our system, on average, every 15 calls you make will generate a sale that pays you a commission in excess of $1,000. Can you make that many calls per week? (Per day?)

This is where I run into a problem. The hoola hoop makes it hard for me to use a phone, and beyond that, I'm sexually attracted to phones and that means that I salivate and slobber on the reciever whenever I use one. I was wondering if maybe you could bring the customers here, and I could read them the script in person? I promise everyone here will behave in front of them, and we'll make Jake, (the naked lumberjack) put a cloth or something on top of ol' Timber. No bald people though, I can't stess that enough.

If you have the self-discipline to ignore the TV for a couple of hours per day, and if you're looking for a legitimate home-based business opportunity, that IS NOT multi-level marketing, or a chain-letter scheme, then please call our toll-free number, 1-888-123-4567 leave us a message, and we will get right back to you.

IGNORE THE TV!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?? Haven't you listened to a damn word I said? I'm NUTS!!! I have SEX with the TV!!!! You want me to ignore so I can talk to your stupid customers and tell them about your products. NO!! Otherwise we're good, this sounds like a great opportunity, bring them on by.

By the way, Krishna is a retarded name.

Always,

Blender Sex Man

The finest spam reply personally seen was zug.com

[afflatus_com]

Subj: Heal
Date: 96-02-07 10:21:26 EST
From: chirosft@ix.netcom.com (Dr. D. Funk)

As a business owner for the past 30 years, I have never experienced such a simple strategy to create additional fast cash flow, which will not detract from or conflict with the way I run my present business. I have personally seen incomes ranging from $10,0000 to $22,000 per month within less than 120 days. I know that sounds ludicrous, as it did to me at first, but thank goodness that at this stage of my life I was still open-minded enough to listen to the FREE audio cassette, "Dead Doctors Don't Lie" (Learn how 300,000 people are being killed in Hospitals each year!)

If you are not experiencing a LOW STRESS , non-confrontational income producing method that has people calling you with orders for your products and asking to join your business, it's time to call me and request a free copy of the amazing tape, Dead Doctors Don't Lie. E-mail your request to chirosft@ix.netcom.com or Fax (916)-482-4256 with your complete name and mailing address. (Please include phone number in the event we don't understand your message)

What have you got to lose ?

Subj: Re: Heal
Date: 96-02-07 11:27:36 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: chirosft@ix.netcom.com
CC: Baked Ham

Boy, this offer sounds great! I'd love to get that free audio tape about dead doctors! Send it on! My e-mail address is bakedham@aol.com.

I need to ask you about your name, Dr. Funk. I once knew a DJ in New York City who went by the name of Doctor Funk. I realize "Dr. Funk" and "Doctor Funk" are two different names, but perhaps you shorten it for the sake of space? Or perhaps it's a pseudonym for your other business ventures?

Man, you were something. Playing that dance music the whole night long at your club, General Hospital. It took me a while to get THAT joke - you were the Doctor, and the club was your Hospital! Great one, Doctor Funk!

One time I remember this girl came in wearing a live snake, as girls will do in Grenwich Village. You yelled into your microphone (as you were wont to do), "Do we have any funky boys in this house?" And all the guys yelled, "YEAH!" Then you screamed, "Do we have any booty-shakin' girls in the house?" And all the ladies screamed, "YEAH!" Then you hollered, "Do we have any snakes in the house?!" And - as if on cue - the snake jumped out of the woman's arms and bit this guy on the ass. It was some sort of poisonous viper, and you had to stop the music and rush over to help the snake bite victim. Everyone wanted you to help the guy, but we found out you weren't a licensed doctor at all. It was just an act. I heard the guy eventually died, so maybe that's what your dead doctors tape is all about.

Doctor Funk, how has your career been since that guy died? Did you find another job? I heard the General Hospital eventually went out of business - is that true? How did you get the name Doctor Funk?

Send on that free tape, Doctor Funk! I'm eager to make more money!

John Myers Hargrave

From zug.com

Similar to "Letters from a Nut"

[dgb2n]

There was a book published a few years ago by an anonymous author that consisted of his humerous letters to companies and their responses. He would string them along with outlandish requests and questions.

One of my favorites was when he wrote to a casino in Atlantic City asking to gamble dressed as a large lobster.

You can get the book from Barnes and Noble

The Filthy Critic

[Ratbert42]

This is soooo offtopic, but that seems to be the way this story is going. If you enjoy this guys letters, they remind me of The Filthy Critic.