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Review: The Rock as a Hard Place

Posted by JonKatz on from the slugging-it-out-with-the-Scorpion-King dept.

Sorry, but I really love this trash, even as I grasp why more of the world hates us every day. The Scorpion King is as American a film as anything the Duke might have made, an astonishing mish-mash of digital effects, hip-hop, kung fu, Mighty Mouse,Indiana Jones, the Mummy (and his Return -- from which the idea for this enthusiastically stupid movie was spawned), and the World Wrestling Federation, to whom the film owes its star and its theatrical notions of head-butting machismo. If they ever give an Oscar for lacerations, grunts and thumps, this one is a runaway favorite. Or as the Rock says about 100 hundred times in the movie, "Live Free, Die Well." If you need escapist entertainment from your hyper teched-up lives, this is the movie for you. If the Rock can survive tyrants, thieves, traitors, arrows, impalement, knives, spears, swords, sandstorms, fire, poison, snakes and killer ants, you can get through a boring day at work.

It seems oxymoronic to bother with plot lines in a movie like this. The Rock plays an Akkadian assassin named Mathayus who takes 20 blood rubies to go kill the sorceress (Kelly Hu) who advises the barbarian warlord Memnon (Steven Brand) on battle strategy and is thus revered by his vicious marauding armies. Boy, is this Memnon a mean leader. He butchers women and kids, destroys civilizations and plays headgames with his sorceress. Digital effects have conjured up many strands of marauding armies, but all of them look the same, like ants in battle-armor racing across a barren plain with angry clouds swirling overhead.

It's hard to imagine any human, even the Rock, taking the drubbing he takes in this movie. The Duke was a wuss in comparison. He's buried in sandstorms, tossed off of parapets, run over by wagons,and stabbed, sliced, shot (by arrows) and gored countless times. On top of all that, he has to watch helplessly while Memnon butchers his brother. The Sorceress, on the other hand, turns out to be a babe who strolls around in thongs, does kung fu, and relates instantly to the Rock's sophisticated style of combat and international diplomacy. The Sorceress makes it clear that she loses her powers if she ever has sex. You'll never guess what happens.

The hip-hop background in a movie allegedly set in ancient Babylon is pretty neat. And in one of the oddest roles of his or any actor's career, Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile) plays another lummox, the Nubian King/Warrior Balthazar. He's almost as big as Rock, and the early confrontation between the two conjures up those great dinosaur battles in Jurassic Park. This role gives Clarke, who is way too good an actor for this, the chance to wear dreads and spout all sorts of racial jokes at the Rock, whose face seems locked either amusement or anger throughout the entire 88 minute movie.

The digital effects are cheesy, almost throwaways, and the film's makers have no illusions about the Rock's acting skills, so he starts fighting almost from the opening shot and keeps on fighting to the end. I have to say I had fun watching this silliness. It's such an American fusion of different cultural styles, and it's so undemanding a movie, that you leave the theater smiling and relaxed. And the kids who thronged the theater where I saw it loved it, whooping and laughing throughout. The humorless censors loose in the land don't need to worry about the sensitivities of the American adolescent. They can take a movie like this, and see just how silly and cartoonish it is.

3 of 246 comments (clear)

  1. What was Katz expecting? by Ryn · · Score: 3, Interesting

    Was he expecting a well-written script, historically accurate, with dull brainteasers that would appeal to some british aristocrate?
    I had fun watching the movie. It was a good ass-kicker. Light plot, lots of nice action. However, the director was under influence of G. Lucas, because Jar Jar Binks has made his other appearance in the movie, this time played by a stupid human.

  2. You need a lesson in being less of a hypocrite by EvilAlien · · Score: 3, Interesting
    Is that sorta of like how we Canadians are incessantly snobbish and arrogant about how much we know about everywhere else? Maybe its because our own history (and current politics) are incredibly boring. "Of course you yanks" is just the kind of disgusting overgeneralization that you are whining about, yet somehow its ok when its a rant about the US? We sit around and stagnate with our high taxes and bitch at the Americans while they grow and prosper and build a military to protect our asses along with theirs in case the unthinkable happens and someone attacks North America. Yet we conveniently and transparently take advantage of the non-obvious benefits of what the US has produced, such as the Internet (yes it started there, no they didn't do it alone, but you'd better give them the credit for it). Why aren't you posting this on a Canadian site, hypocrite?

    WWF is hella lame.

    The Rock is hella lame.

    This review is hella lame.

    The Scorpian King is hella lame.

    But at least its not "Men with Brooms".

    --
    perl -e 'print $i=pack(c5, (41*2), sqrt(7056), (unpack(c,H)-2), oct(115), 10)'
  3. Jon, you had us fooled! by Da+Masta · · Score: 2, Interesting
    Jon Katz actually saideth:

    It seems oxymoronic to bother with plot lines in a movie like this. The Rock plays an Akkadian assassin named Mathayus

    Well, apparently Da Masta and Accipiter, it is actually you who seem to be the fuck-ups. What is this we-hate-Katz thing? What is this, Aint-It-Cool-News? Does he offend your political sensibilities or something?


    Gee you think I wouldn't notice if he had spelt it properly the first time?

    He changed the spelling in the article after I posted it in order to make me look like the fool! That JonKatz fella sure is smarter than the average /. editor.