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Review: The Rock as a Hard Place
It seems oxymoronic to bother with plot lines in a movie like this. The Rock plays an Akkadian assassin named Mathayus who takes 20 blood rubies to go kill the sorceress (Kelly Hu) who advises the barbarian warlord Memnon (Steven Brand) on battle strategy and is thus revered by his vicious marauding armies. Boy, is this Memnon a mean leader. He butchers women and kids, destroys civilizations and plays headgames with his sorceress. Digital effects have conjured up many strands of marauding armies, but all of them look the same, like ants in battle-armor racing across a barren plain with angry clouds swirling overhead.
It's hard to imagine any human, even the Rock, taking the drubbing he takes in this movie. The Duke was a wuss in comparison. He's buried in sandstorms, tossed off of parapets, run over by wagons,and stabbed, sliced, shot (by arrows) and gored countless times. On top of all that, he has to watch helplessly while Memnon butchers his brother. The Sorceress, on the other hand, turns out to be a babe who strolls around in thongs, does kung fu, and relates instantly to the Rock's sophisticated style of combat and international diplomacy. The Sorceress makes it clear that she loses her powers if she ever has sex. You'll never guess what happens.
The hip-hop background in a movie allegedly set in ancient Babylon is pretty neat. And in one of the oddest roles of his or any actor's career, Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile) plays another lummox, the Nubian King/Warrior Balthazar. He's almost as big as Rock, and the early confrontation between the two conjures up those great dinosaur battles in Jurassic Park. This role gives Clarke, who is way too good an actor for this, the chance to wear dreads and spout all sorts of racial jokes at the Rock, whose face seems locked either amusement or anger throughout the entire 88 minute movie.
The digital effects are cheesy, almost throwaways, and the film's makers have no illusions about the Rock's acting skills, so he starts fighting almost from the opening shot and keeps on fighting to the end. I have to say I had fun watching this silliness. It's such an American fusion of different cultural styles, and it's so undemanding a movie, that you leave the theater smiling and relaxed. And the kids who thronged the theater where I saw it loved it, whooping and laughing throughout. The humorless censors loose in the land don't need to worry about the sensitivities of the American adolescent. They can take a movie like this, and see just how silly and cartoonish it is.
Reading this review makes me think of "If you don't want to see it you don't have to go" - then I realised that applied to a Jon Katz review too!
Video Game cheats, hints a
Here, I'll fix it from my post down.
Whoever stated that signature sizes should be limited to one hundred and twenty characters can just go ahead and kiss my
The Rock plays an Acadian assassin
Correct me if I'm wrong but Acadian would be like french-canadians in the maritimes, right? Unless the Rock does dress up like Anne of Green Gables and shouts "mange de la merde" as insults, this is not the same ethnic background as the Rock's character. So is the a typical JonKatz f*ckup, or is there some other race with the same name? Some background info on them would be nice too...
And if you screwed up your formatting, well, you should have hit Preview...
Are you criticizing the most electrifying man in sports entertainment? Know your role, jabroni :)
Either Katz is starting to use the royal we by the end of that sentence or he spelled "me" in a funny way. ;-)
If the Rock can survive tyrants, thieves, traitors,
in Hollywood, the WWF or the movie
______________________________________________
sigamajig...
Indeed.
The sad truth is, in the imposter derby, The Rock is a better at pretending to be an actor than Jon Katz is at pretending to be a writer...
Lawrence Person (lawrencepersonh@gmailh.com (remove all "h"s to mail)
http://www.lawrenceperson.com/
jon, i can't help but notice that you don't have many friends here. i would like to be your friend. e-mail me and we can talk about having some sleep-overs and we can go bowling and stuff.
i can't wait to hear from you!
greg clarke
sig - .
And that's the thing that scares me... Will kids be reading WWF as part of their history lessons in 2153? Say it ain't so.... "And today we will be studying the 'Smackdown period', 1995-2004" Uhhggg...
You need a FREE iPod Nano
Yep, the movie will be on Hell's Metroplex for film critics right next to Battlefield Earth and many other fine films.
The Sorceress, on the other hand, turns out to be a babe who strolls around in thongs, does kung fu, and relates instantly to the Rock's sophisticated style of combat and international diplomacy. The Sorceress makes it clear that she loses her powers if she ever has sex.
Let's me guess... she has oral sex with the Rock and stains her blue thongs, which is the smoking gun the Authorities of Magic need to bring her up on charges of improper conduct, for which the penalty is the immediate impeachment of her magical powers. But in an emergency highly publicized session before the Gods and Goddesses of Magic, makes an impassioned plea based on questiong what the definition of "is" is, and manages to get off the hook when it is determined that nobody in fact gives a damn what a Sorceress does in her private life, thus letting her have sex AND keep her powers.
Am I close?
it is that I look forward to every Jon Katz article just to watch the (much more entertaining) Katz-bashing posts? :)
Let the feeding frenzy begin!
Mode (3) smart-aleck mode. Press * to return to main menu.
Scorpion King Wows Moviegoers, Closeted Homosexuals
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If you ever thought pro-wrestling was a bit too macho not to be gay, read this article:
http://www.ridiculopathy.com/news_detai
an older one on the same subject:
http://www.ridiculopathy.com/news_detai