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Moms Go Linux, And Other Windependence Winners
An anonymous reader writes "There's an entertaining article over at DesktopLinux.com entitled "Why Aren't All Our Moms Running Linux?", one of the winners of their recent wIndependence Day essay contest. From the introduction: 'Why aren't all our moms running Linux? This is a serious question, so don't laugh. I used to get phone calls about once a week, on average; it's my mom, telling me that "my computer is running out of virtual memory" or "my email keeps beeping at me" or "I can't read this document" or (the best one) "my computer is *broken*." I knew that, at the time, she was of course not running Linux. Then, one day, listening to yet another complaint, it hit me. Why aren't all our moms running Linux on their computers?" Maybe it's the cuddly Penguin logo? ;-)" They're adding the winning entries to the site week by week - I wonder how many are from Slashdot readers.
you actually think youd get LESS calls from your mom running linux?
insanity, at best.
Look, my mom has trouble with Excel. You think she'd be able to run Linux? You think she'd be able to build a kernel module? Even install an RPM package?
C'mon, give me a break.
HELLO?!?!?! Linux is **not** the end all, be all operating system! It is FAR from it! Stop thinking it! Mom won't use Linux because Linux is **not** user friendly. Linux is not a desktop operating system. Linux is an EDUCATIONAL and EXPERIMENTAL operating system used by people with a bigger understanding of how computers work and want to expand their knowledge even more. Most people don't want to get "in deep" into the system, they just want to use their word, excel, solitaire. They could care less that the vm of Linux is more computationally inexpensive than that in Windows.
Men: This guide is for WOMEN ONLY; you can stop right here
and get your rocks off on something else.
Women: Have you ever wished you could have-
The hottest oral and vaginal sex (up to 6 orgasms for me in
one session!)?
Simple pure physical satisfaction with no strings
attached?
Sex without AIDS or pregnancy fears?
Private sex that no one will ever find out about?
If you answered yes to any of these, then you should consider
having sex with a dog. Wait, don't laugh! I am VERY serious.
My name is Jamie, and I am not ashamed to say that I enjoy having
sex with dogs (and I've been doing it since I was 14!), I am
totally "normal" in almost all respects: I'm 28 and live in Los
Angeles. I have a boyfriend who is pretty good in bed and I have
a great job as a graphic artist. But I've found that dogs can
actually be better and more satisfying lovers than either men or
women!
I know that sounds weird, and a lot of you will be shocked by
this, but thousands of women and girls worldwide agree with me,
and, by all indications, more women are discovering this secret
every day. Women have been having sex with animals for centuries,
and I wholeheartedly recommend it to any woman who wants to
experience what is possibly the most intense and electrifying
sexual experience there is.
If you have a dog, chances are he is practically your best friend
already. He is more loyal than any man, and loves you completely,
unlike many men. He doesn't talk back or argue, and he's always
there for you. Why not take it a step further and let him become
your sexual lover? Male dogs are naturally horny practically all
the time, so helping him relieve some sexual frustration can just
be a demonstration of your love for him, and a lot of fun for
you! Unlike men, dogs are almost always ready to have sex when
you want to, they won't tell all their friends about your
experience together (and who cares if they do?), they can't
expose you to AIDS or other sexual diseases, and, perhaps best of
all, they can't get you pregnant!
Now, I'm not some weirdo who advocates sleeping only with dogs
and not with men. Far from it: I have a good relationship with my
boyfriend and we are sexually active. (I've also had one serious
relationship with a woman.) However, I seem to be hornier than he
is, particularly at certain times of the month. There are times
when my guy isn't around, or doesn't feel like it, or I don't
want the emotional complications involved with human sex. I can
then turn to my doggie to get off, and its great.
I'm sure many of you are disgusted by this whole thing, and
that's okay. Just quit reading now and go on with your boring
"normal" sex life. But if you want to learn more, keep reading.
I first had sexual contact with a dog when I was 14, and it
continued off and on until I went to college. But I always felt
ashamed or weird or guilty, and that kind of ruined the
experience. After I graduated and had my own place, I also got a
dog. One night, I came home drunk and ended up messing around
with Max again. Afterwards, I thought about it, and I decided
that I didn't have to feel guilty about pleasing myself and my
dog. I decided that if God didn't want us to do it, he wouldn't
have made dogs so interested in sniffing and licking human
females. It's my body, and my puppy, and I can do what I want as
long as it doesn't hurt either one of us!
Okay, enough about me, let's discuss how YOU can enjoy dog sex.
There are three areas that I will cover in this guide: Oral sex,
Vaginal sex and Anal sex. My thanks to the original writer of this
guide (it wasn't me, but I edited it and I agree with almost
everything she wrote).
ORAL SEX
Oral sex is the way many women first get exposed to dog love.
Dogs are naturally attracted to the scent of a woman's vagina, so
many of you have already discovered that Rover likes to sniff
your panties or even your crotch. Allowing him to take it a step
further is an excellent way to experience some of the greatest
oral sex you will ever have in your life! One of the nicest
things about allowing a dog to lick your snatch is that most male
dogs will spend much more time than a human male providing you
with the most electrifying oral sex. A dogs tongue is also much
longer and is able to get to many places that a man can't or
won't. A dogs tongue is covered with thousands of tiny buds that
when he licks your clitoris you will feel sensations that you did
not know existed. And, how many of you have had a man give you
analingus? Not many i'll bet. Well, I'm hear to tell you that
having your ass licked is a great thing, and a dog has no problem
doing it for you!. If you have never experienced a tongue working
from the very top of your slit all the way around to the end of
your crack you have truly missed something grand.
There are several very good positions for you to try if you want
to try this. If you decide that your preference is
clitoral/vaginal only I have found one position that works very
well. I recommend that you sit on the edge of a bed so that the
back of your calfs are flat against the edge of the bed. You then
lay straight back picking your feet up and placing the on the
edge of the bed. This will expose your clitoris, labia and vagina
to his waiting tongue. For those of you who would like more but
want to prevent him from trying to mount you then the ideal
position is reclining on your side, on pillows or cushions, on
the floor. All you have to do at that point is to raise your leg
a little and he will have access to all of your pussy and ass.
For those of you that want that ultimate experience you will have
to give give him full and total access to you. This can only
happen when you are down on all fours. Now I know that staying in
that position for more than a few minutes is not comfortable at
all but there is one way that I have found that will be both very
comfortable and very enjoying. You kneel at the edge of your bed
and then lie the upper part of you body face down onto the bed,
keeping your knees on the floor. You then spread your knees apart
as much as you dare giving him full access to you. One very
important item to remember while you are considering what
position you would like to use is that if you do not wish to have
him mount you this is not the position to use.
Now that we gone over all the wonderful things that a dog can do
for you with his tongue, lets talk about what you can do with
yours. According to several doctors and veterinarians I have
spoken with, a dogs cock is three times cleaner that a mans cock.
A dog will spend considerable time every day cleaning it, how
many men do you know that do that? So, why not try it? I find
that when I am sucking off a dog, I have a tremendous amount of
mental stimulation that gets me horny as hell! Just knowing that
I am sucking on an animals dick will get me so horny, that it
doesn't take much to get me off. I will usually use a free hand
to masturbate while I am sucking him, and I have some of the
greatest orgasms this way.
Most male dogs will gladly allow you to suck them and there are
many positions to do it in. I find that two positions are very
good and are easy to accomplish. For those of you that are just
starting out and are nervous about doing it I recommend that you
have him lie on his back with you next to him. This will give you
full access to his cock and be able to control all the action.
But, another great method I use is to lie on my back with the
back of my head slightly raised by a pillow and have him stand
over me with his cock within reach of my mouth. Then he humps me
and does all the work, leaving my hands free to masturbate myself
with. One important thing to remember when sucking a dog: While
most men like to have their balls rubbed or fondled while having
their cocks sucked, this is not so with all dogs. Before starting
any sexual activity with him touch and feel his cock and balls to
insure that he does like it. The next thing that we are going to
do now that we have gotten into the position that we prefer is
begin to get him aroused. I find that the best way is to first
gently stroke his cock through his sheath until it begins to
enlarge and slip out. Once you have at least an inch of him out
of his sheath you should gently take him into your mouth. You
should continue to gently stoke him with your hand while you
begin to slowly move you mouth back and forth over his cock. As
you do this his cock will continue to enlarge until he reaches
full erection.
While you are moving your mouth over his cock you should try to
place the tip of you tongue into the indentation on the head of
his cock as this will cause his to reach his climax. As he gets
closer to his climax you will notice that at the base of his cock
there is a very large bulge known as his knot. This knot is used
to hold his cock inside a female (dog or human) until he has
finished ejaculating. If you are considering going further then
you should make a mental note of the size of his cock and knot.
The average large dog has a cock, when aroused, that is 5 to 7
inches long and 1 and half to 2 inches wide. The knot for a dog
whose cock is 6 inches long and 1 and a half wide can be two
inches long and 4 inches wide. A dog is different than most
mammals as from the time they begin to become aroused until they
begin to get soft they will have some form of ejaculate coming
from their cocks. At first arousal there is a clear thin fluid
that tastes like iron and has the consistency of water, this is
his precum that is for lubrication so his knot will slip into the
females vagina. At full arousal is when he actually will produce
his sperm and you can tell when this happens as his cum will
begin to have a slightly salty taste to it. You should be aware
that his cum will never be as thick as a mans but he will produce
about twice as much as a man. I personally think that dog cum
tastes much better than man cum.
VAGINAL SEX.
Good old screwing thats what this is all about, well not quite.
There are a number of things that differ from sex with a man
other than the dog can't get you pregnant.
At this point I will assume that you have made the decision that
you are going to have sexual intercourse with a large dog (75
pounds) and that you are there by yourself. I will be your
companion and you may visualize me there. The first discussion is
how are we going to do it. There are two prime positions to use,
the old standard doggy style and the safer missionary style. If
we choose the missionary position you can prevent him from
getting his knot inside you and we can be in control the whole
time. Ok you want to try the missionary position, you are siting
on the edge of a chair, a towel under you to prevent his and your
cum from staining the chair, your ass at the very edge legs
spread wide apart. Here comes your lover he sees your warm and
wet pussy and at once begins to sniff and lick it. You call him
up to you so that he has his front paws on the chair his body
between your legs. (I like to put some socks over his front paws
so that he can't scratch me accidentally.)
Then you take his sheath in hand and begin to stroke it gently
and as he begins to swell and extend you guide the end of his
cock into you. As he feels the wetness and warmth of you he
begins to hump, slowly at first then faster and faster until you
feel his knot at the mouth of your vagina. As his cum slowly
fills you up you too reach climax. If you allow him to put his
knot inside you YOU WILL be together until he gets soft which
usually take 15 to 20 minutes but can take up to 45 minutes. The
major benefit of the missionary position is that if you do not
want to have his knot inside you you can, in almost all cases,
prevent it by holding it in your hand. I find that the most
satisfying and arousing sensations I feel are caused by the knot
being inside me. I try to have my dog put his knot in every time
we make love, but whether or not you want to is up to you.
Doggy style is just that, you are down on all fours with him.
This position will allow you to fully experience the pleasure of
having a canine lover. He will at first sniff then lick you and
after the tastes and smells begin to arouse him he will move to a
position to mount you. A dog will usually come up directly behind
you and mount you that way. Once he has mounted you he will begin
to hump trying to get his cock into you, if this is something new
to him then you should guide his cock to where it should go, he
will do the rest. As the two of you continue he will move faster
and faster with his strokes until you feel his knot begin to
swell and rub at the lips. At this point we have decision time,
If you want it inside you you should totally relax and allow him
to slide it in. If you don't want it in you you should reach back
with your hand and try to hold the knot with your hand. A simple
note of warning, if you use this position and then decide that
you don't want his knot in you you may not be able to prevent it
from happening. If his knot is in you you WILL have to wait until
he gets soft. I do not recommend you trying to remove it as
unless your vagina is very large, it will hurt and may even
injure you. So if you have any doubt's at all I would stick with
the missionary position.
Well we are now mated and as his knot continues to swell inside
you you begin to feel this warm feeling inside you. I have been
told that a dogs body temperature is higher than a humans and
that his cum is even warmer, and as he cum's deep inside you you
can feel that warmth. His knot is now fully expanded, his cum is
flowing into you, your juices begin to flow mixing with his and
at this point you begin to feel his knot begin to throb. I found
that while doing it doggy style as his knot pushs against the
inside walls of my vagina it also pushes against the inside of my
clitoris and that the sensations of that happening drive me wild.
I have reached orgasm up to seven times in a row while this is
happening.
ANAL SEX
There are some things that you should consider before you attempt
allowing your lover to mount you for the purpose of anal sex. You
should be experienced with anal sex, by this I mean you should
have no difficulty taking your human lovers cock into you. You
will not always be successful with achieving penetration and if
you do you may wind up with his knot inside you. If you now still
want to try it well lets go. In finding a good position for male
canine/human female anal sex I have tried dozens of positions and
found many that work and many that didn't.
I have found that the best position is one called a modified
doggy position. To get into that position you should first find a
open space, very private of course, inside your house or wherever
and place a soft pad on the floor for you to kneel on. You then
kneel on the pad and get into a normal doggy position. To achieve
the correct position you now bring your knees forward and tuck
them up into your stomach. Now that you have done that you rest
the front of your body on your elbows. Great you have mastered
getting into the proper position, now there are some other things
you have to do before you call to your lover. We have this little
problem with lubrication that has to be solved with something
otherwise this will really hurt. I have found that natural oils
such as olive or corn oils work best and will not hurt your
lover. NEVER NEVER use vaseline or that like as they will make
the dog sick or even worse.
Well now we know what lubrication we are going to use we must now
apply it. It is not enough to just smear a little oil on the
outside of your anus for this to work, you must lubricate both
outside as well as inside. The easy part is the outside and I
leave that until I am in position to do. To lubricate the inside
I have found that if I lubricate as much of the inside of my anus
as possible I have no discomfort at all. I use a large
eyedropper, that will hold about an once or so of oil, to get the
oil inside and when I have done that insert one finger to spread
the oil over the muscle.
Congratulations you are now ready, you have done your inside
lubrication and are in the proper position and here comes your
lover. You should now take your oil and rub some on your anus and
the area around it. After he has mounted you you will probably
have to guide him into you. Once he is inside he will hump just
like an vaginal sex. The same precautions concerning his knot
should be used here as well. I do not recommend those just
starting out to try having him insert his knot. As there is not
as much stimulation with anal sex you may want to gently
masturbate while he is in you. There is one way to increase the
stimulation and that is place a dildo into your vagina. This will
transmit his movement inside you to you clitoris and help you
reach climax.
Just a few footnotes about the fun of canine human sex. You can
do all of these things while a human lover, male or female is
present and in some cases the experience is more enjoyable. I
would have liked to have had illustrations for this but I have
not found someone to pose for them and I am more than a little
nervous about having my picture here. Ladies any volunteers?
Girls: if you need to reach me and ask questions, feel free to
email me at yyyy@earthlink.net. Boys: Do NOT email. I will not
answer you, and I will give you a little test to prove whether
you are female when you write!
GOOD LUCK
Jamie the DogGirl
The author has lived with his parents for the past 30 years, and he obviously still doesn't have a clue at what his family means when they talk to him.
Mom speech: "My computer is broken."
Translation: "Now maybe he'll stop trying to get me to use it. Damn geek. I shouldn't have gotten so drunk at the corporate technical fair in 1970."
Dad speech: "My computer is broken."
Translation: "I tossed the fucking laptop across the room at your whore of a mother, and now it won't turn on. Bring me a beer while you're at it."
Grandmother speech: "My computer is broken."
Translation: "I was looking at some a bunch of those German porn sites, and now the browser's homepage is www.goatse.cx."
Girl friend speech(highly theoretical): "My computer is broken."
Translation: "Buy me a new one. Now. There are plenty of other guys who could use 300 pounds of fine woman flesh!"
That would make no sense, since windows no longer is based on DOS. Why show her something out of date? Oh yea, you are a Linux user...
just so you know slashdot is crap and the reason there are so many trolls is becuase this site is garbage and any fool who takes it seriously is a very sad individual.
Why Aren't our moms running Linux?
Easy, because we don't want to hear about our moms getting rooted. That's why.
For that kind of user, I'm not sure that Linux with an install utility like Ximian Red Carpet is any more complicated than Windows. People who don't like dicking around with computer stuff are probably *good* candidates for modern Linux distributions.
My wife - a very bright woman who completed her university degree in Finance before her 20th birthday - uses spreadsheets like this: She enters the data into columns, performs the calculations by hand or with a calculator, and then enters the result in the appropriate cell.
Yes, I think it's crazy too - but she just doesn't like (or trust) computers. She's just as happy with Linux as she was with Windows - which isn't very happy, but the point is that Linux is not necessarily a step down in usability for non-geeks.
Kind of an opposite case for my mom - she spends all her time on her Windows PC, in various gardening and photograpy forums, playing Freecell for ridiculously long stretches of time, etc.
But until recently, every time I would visit, I'd end up spending half an hour fixing things, removing virii, and generally un-fucking up her computer. (I say "until recently" because, thankfully, she has a friend nearby to deal with that stuff). And, I discovered the reason I hadn't heard from her for a few weeks was because Outlook Express got so fucked up she could no longer even send or receive mail. There have been so many occasions that she's told me a Windows tale of woe, and I've told her that I'm sympathetic, but that I just don't have those kinds of problems on Linux.
I'm not sure she's ready for a change yet - she faces the same inertia problem that so many countless others face wrt their Windows use; but someday, I'll introduce her to Linux. I'll have to set it up, spend a day with her showing her how to use stuff, show her how to get more software, and so on. But after that I (and her Windows-helper friend) will probably have drastically less work to do keeping that PC going.
pr0n - keeping monitor glass spotless since 1981.