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Moms Go Linux, And Other Windependence Winners
An anonymous reader writes "There's an entertaining article over at DesktopLinux.com entitled "Why Aren't All Our Moms Running Linux?", one of the winners of their recent wIndependence Day essay contest. From the introduction: 'Why aren't all our moms running Linux? This is a serious question, so don't laugh. I used to get phone calls about once a week, on average; it's my mom, telling me that "my computer is running out of virtual memory" or "my email keeps beeping at me" or "I can't read this document" or (the best one) "my computer is *broken*." I knew that, at the time, she was of course not running Linux. Then, one day, listening to yet another complaint, it hit me. Why aren't all our moms running Linux on their computers?" Maybe it's the cuddly Penguin logo? ;-)" They're adding the winning entries to the site week by week - I wonder how many are from Slashdot readers.
Necrophilia for Dummies
I: Introduction
Very few text files have been written regarding the sexual tendencies and practices of necrophiliacs. While most people would prefer to believe that we do not exist we most certainly do as is obvious to anyone who visits a cemetery during our nightly rampages. Necrophiliacs prefer to go about their business alone sharing is not a part of this alternative lifestyle as the corpse usually wears out fairly quickly. This is not to say that the occasional orgy involving four or five necrophiliacs and about a dozen or so corpses does not occur, but it is very rare. In this file I will describe common (and some uncommon) techniques which necrophiliacs use to gain satisfaction from their stiff partners. Hopefully these vivid descriptions will encourage you to go out to your local cemetery and to join our ranks!
II: Finding a partner
Finding a partner for your necrophiliac activities is definitely the hardest part. You not only have to gain access to the corpse but you also have to find one which suits your tastes. Granted, some necrophiliacs would screw roadkill if given the chance but most of us are more discriminating. Your chances depend upon where you pick up your date. If you have access to a morgue it would definitely be your best bet as the corpses there are usually the freshest and have not yet been treated for burial. They may be a bit chilly because they've been lying in the meat locker for days but that really shouldn't make a big difference to the determined necrophiliac. Cemeteries are a bit harder to deal with as finding a screwable corpse is harder to do. However, if you know how to interpret signs this shouldn't be a problem. If a grave consists of a mound of fresh dirt and is covered with flowers, chances are that the stiff hasn't been laying here for too long. Rotting flowers on the mound usually hint to the state of the corpse as well. Some people are exclusively into 'porking the bone', i.e. sex with skeletons. In this case you can dig up almost any grave and hope that the inhabitant hasn't yet disintegrated into dust. Try to scope out a fairly secluded cemetery for your passions unless you like a sense of danger to go along with the sex. Having anyone catch you in the act is NOT fun, and if you're picked up by a cop chances are that you won't be able to screw anything but Bubba behind bars for the next few decades. People are generally not understanding of the necrophiliac lifestyle, so it will probably be a long time before we can come out of the closet.
III: Preparation
Depending upon where you are at this point you'll have either a little or a lot of work to do. The person in the morgue will obviously have to do little more than to open the locker, pull the corpse out and bang away. If you're one of the cemetery people you'll have more work to do. An experienced necrophiliac is always equipped with the bare essentials: a shovel, Vaseline and a box of rubbers. Why the shovel is needed should be obvious, but if the ground is hard then you might need more equipment to dig up your date. Vaseline is used to loosen the corpse up a bit. This makes it less likely for a body part to break off while you're having fun and it also prevents your mantool from becoming too irritated while screwing the dried out pussy. The BOX of condoms is used to play it safe no necrophiliac should be without it. You never know which STDs your partner had during his/her lifetime, and believe me, it doesn't get any better after the person dies. You can put on more than one rubber for extra protection if it is warranted, but screwing a corpse without protection is just plain stupid unless you want to be the next date for a necrophiliac. If you're in a cemetery try to drag the corpse out of the grave and behind a bush or to another secluded place. Pumping away in the grave may seem more convenient, but it's a severe disadvantage to you if you need to take off in a hurry. Sometimes the corpse is too fragile to be moved in that case make it fast. Or just break off the head, hand or lower torso and take it with you for added convenience.
Note from the pixel fairy: This is where i must warn you! Vaseline dissolves latex, meaning it will eat through your or dead-boy's condom. Use KY Jelly or anything else that's not oil-based.
Part IV: Techniques
So now you've got a stiff lying seductively in front of you, but you have no idea how to start. How you proceed from this point onward really depends upon what kind of person you are. The corpse will last longer if you treat it gently and with care, but if you prefer to go all out you'll probably receive greater satisfaction. There are many differences between screwing a live and a dead person which one needs to be aware of. Firstly, a corpse will never tell you to get off of it if you're being a bit rough and it will never complain no matter what kinky sexual practices you use it for. Screwing a corpse is also much more predictable because you can raise an arm, leg or whatever and it will still be in that position when you reach for it again. Take the arms and gently lock them in an embrace behind your back, or spread the legs to make sex a bit easier. If you want a great blowjob then lubricate your partner's mouth, lock it to your preferred width, insert and go for it. Although there's no tongue stimulation it's still worthwhile, and it's also safer than conventional sex. Corpses can also be recycled if treated properly. If you're a proficient embalmer you can keep a corpse for over five years if it has been properly embalmed. That's free sex whenever you want it! You naturally don't want to be too rough with an embalmed corpse though as they are more fragile. One final advantage of screwing corpses is that they are always in abundance. Based upon your sexual preferences you can designate a cemetery or a morgue as your territory and always find fresh partners to screw. Plus you don't have to resort to cheesy pickup lines or spend all your money in order to get a date. necrophiliac is a passion which is cheaply satisfied.
Note from the pixel fairy: Necrophilia is not so cheaply enjoyed unless you already have such direct access.
V. Conclusion
I hope that this text file will encourage you to go out and try necrophilia. Not many people do it, but that's precisely what makes it so much fun it makes you feel special! If no living person would touch you with a 10 foot pole then try having sex with a corpse! Some of them are real beauties and it's an experience you'll never forget. There is no greater experience for a virgin than having his/her virginity taken by a corpse. Anyways, have fun and if you have any experiences you'd like to share then by all means do! Maybe necrophilia will enter the mainstream because of your efforts
Early hours, open road, family of five - on their way home
Having enjoyed a day in the sun, their encounter with gore has just begun
A homicidal fool not knowing left from right, now has the family in his sight
Trying to perceive if he's blind or insane,
he steers his car into the other lane
Both of them collide, expressions horrified
Head on at full speed, the vultures will soon feed
The father of three was impaled on the wheel,
as his skull became a part of the dash
His eyeballs ejected his sight uneffected, he saw his own organs collapse
His seatbelt was useless for holding him back, it simply cut him in two
Legs were crushed, out leaked pus as his spinal cord took off and flew
The mother took flight through the glass, and ended up impaled on a sign
Her intestines stretched from the car down the road for a quarter of a mile
Fourth child on the way, won't live another day
Fetus on the road, with mangled little bones
Little children fly, not a chance to wonder why
Smashed against the ceiling, all their skin burning and peeling
Shards of glass explode, chest and skull now implode
Corpses they've become, and graves will have to be dug
Underneath the wheels, burning rubber on your face
Bleeding from your eyes, the slaughtered victims lies
Knowing what he's done, he just backs up one more time
Laughing at the mess, a pile of meat on the street
One child left slowly dying now, arteries gushing blood
Now it's time to feed on flesh, the gore has just begun
Early hours, open road, family of five - on their way home
Having enjoyed a day in the sun, their encounter with gore has just begun
A homicidal fool not knowing left from right, now has the family in his sight
Trying to perceive if he's blind or insane,
he steers his car into the other lane
The look of death in my eye
Surely no-one will survive
Just a pile of mush
Left to dry in the sun
I see my fresh kill
Left in the road
Remains of your bodies
Mangled and torn
[Solo: Bob]
[Solo: Jack]
One child left slowly dying now, arteries gushing blood
Now it's time to feed on flesh, the gore has just begun
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linux scrabble .22 seconds search at www.google.com:
w ar e.html
.22 seconds to search it up for her and then spent the time to set things up.
http://personal.riverusers.com/~thegrendel/soft
And think . . . some other mom who loves scrable is having the time of her life on a stable platform just because someone spent
Why don't you go to www.walmart.com and pay $300 (and probably dl Mandrake if you can't stand Lindows;) and get her an extra "scrabble" computer? That way you got nothing to lose.
If you don`t do it . . . fine, it`s your life. But don`t blame Linux for your being too lazy . . . it took me less than a second to figure you out.
Sdelat' Ameriku velikoy Snova!