Patrick Volkerding Interviewed by The Age

boa13 writes "The Age, a major newspaper in Melbourne, Australia, has published an interview with Patrick Volkerding, The Man behind Slackware. Covered are the early history of Slackware, its business model, its current state, Patrick's plans for the future and his opinion about the commercialisation of Linux. "

Comments

The man behind?

[Anonymous Coward]

I know who else likes man-behind!

Patrick is my father.

[100MHzperhour]

Patrick likes oatmeal.

MOD PARNET UP!!!11

[Anonymous Coward]

this is teh truth! teh truth!

Er.. BF24?

[Anonymous Coward]

There's a 2.4 kernel in the debian installer. Anything wrong with it?

THE BEST PHONE MAIL EVER

[Anonymous Coward]

Hi Fred, you and the Little Mermaid can go fuck yourselves. I told you to stay near the phone. I can't find those books--you have other books here--it must be in LaJolla. Call me back. I'm not gonna stay up all night for you. BUHBAYEE.

Patrick Volkerding is cool

[Anonymous Coward]

Here is my list of some of the cool Linux guys:

1. Linus Torvalds
2. Alan Cox
3. Bruce Perens
4. Patrick Volkerding
5. Eric S. Raymond (everybody loves Raymond)
6. David S. Miller
7. Ingo Molnar

There are a lot of other cool Linux guys too. This list merely is the tip of an iceberg.

My complaint about Mr. Patrick Volkerding

[Anonymous Coward]

Half of me was reluctant to write this letter, out of concern that Mr. Patrick Volkerding may be one of those people who say uppity things for the sole purpose of gaining attention. But given Mr. Volkerding's track record, I have concluded that when someone bends knee to his non-negotiable demands, Mr. Volkerding pushes and pushes for more, so I've decided to proceed. One of my objectives is to reinforce what is best in people. When all is said and done, he keeps saying that everyone and everything discriminates against him -- including the writing on the bathroom stalls. For some reason, Mr. Volkerding's lapdogs actually believe this nonsense. I hope I don't need to remind you that the only way that we can fight him, the only way we can beat him, is to establish clear, justifiable definitions of deconstructionism and demagogism, so that you can defend a decision to take action when his deputies assuage the hungers of his adherents with servings of fresh scapegoats, but it's still true, and we must do something about it.

Far too many people tolerate Mr. Volkerding's prevarications as long as they're presented in small, seemingly harmless doses. What these people fail to realize, however, is that ever since Mr. Volkerding decided to use every conceivable form of diplomacy, deception, pressure, coercion, bribery, treason, and terror to leave a large part of this country's workforce dislocated and disillusioned, his consistent, unvarying line has been that all minorities are poor, stupid ghetto trash. He believes that there is something intellectually provocative in the tired rehashing of beer-guzzling stereotypes. The real damage that this belief causes actually has nothing to do with the belief itself, but with psychology, human nature, and the skillful psychological manipulation of that nature by Mr. Volkerding and his self-centered supporters. The tone of his whinges is so far removed from reality, I find myself questioning what color the sky must be in his world. What he is doing is not an innocent, recreational sort of thing. It is a criminal activity, it is an immoral activity, it is a socially destructive activity, and it is a profoundly self-aggrandizing activity.

Mr. Volkerding's eccentricity is surpassed only by his vanity. And his vanity is surpassed only by his empty theorizing. (Remember his theory that if he kicks us in the teeth, we'll then lick his toes and beg for another kick?) Mr. Volkerding is like a broken record, using the same tired cliches about family and education and safer streets, yet he has never satisfactorily proved his assertion that censorship could benefit us. He has merely justified that assertion with the phrase, "Because I said so."

One of his grunts once said, "Mr. Volkerding has a "special" perspective on hooliganism which carries with it a "special" right to pit people against each other." Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that I should note that the main dissensus between me and Mr. Volkerding is that I contend that you should think of this letter as a clarion call for us to encourage individuals to come out of their cocoons and flourish. He, on the other hand, contends that he is merely trying to make this world a better place in which to live. Mr. Volkerding is a pretty good liar most of the time. However, he tells so many lies, he's bound to trip himself up someday.

Strange, isn't it, how what I call repressive spongers are always the first to adopt approaches that have not been tested to try to solve problems that have not been well-defined? Although some tyrannical, brain-damaged ne'er-do-wells concede that his wheelings and dealings are not only bad for the immortal soul, but for mortal men and women, they invariably deny that if he is victorious in his quest to open new avenues for the expression of hate, then his crown will be the funeral wreath of humanity.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is this: Mr. Volkerding's screeds are designed to rip off everyone and his brother. And they're working; they're having the desired effect. Before Mr. Volkerding spews any more psychoanalytical drivel, let me assure him that if he wanted to, he could waste hours and hours in fruitless conferences and meetings. He could "solve" all our problems by talking them to death. And he could reward mediocrity. We must not allow Mr. Volkerding to do any of these.

Let me mention again that I recently overheard a couple of illiterate dolts say that I'm too obdurate to introduce an important, but underrepresented, angle on his vile hastily mounted campaigns. Here, again, we encounter the blurred thinking that is characteristic of this Mr. Volkerding-induced era of slogans and propaganda. There is good reason to believe that he is an opportunist. That is, he is an ideological chameleon, without any real morality, without a soul.

Accordingly, I can no longer get very excited about any revelation of Mr. Volkerding's hypocrisy or crookedness. It's what I've come to expect by now. I don't care what others say about Mr. Volkerding. He's still disagreeable, self-indulgent, and he intends to waste taxpayers' money. His perceptions are so crude that if allowed to go unanswered, their final cost would be incalculable. No matter how bad you think his smear tactics are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think.

Perhaps Mr. Volkerding received his information (or rather, misinformation) from late-night television programs and "B" movies. Once one begins thinking about free speech, about malodorous, temperamental fruitcakes who use ostracism and public opinion to prevent the airing of views contrary to their own craven beliefs, one realizes that this makes me fearful that I might someday find myself in the crosshairs of his crafty, puerile ballyhoos. (To be honest, though, it wouldn't be the first time.) Mr. Volkerding is the embodiment of everything petty in our lives. Every grievance, every envy, every insolent ideology finds expression in Patrick Volkerding. Something recently occurred to me that might occur to Mr. Volkerding, as well, if he would just turn down the volume of his voice for a moment: Mr. Volkerding should think about how his wisecracks lead ribald, jackbooted wackos to take a condescending cheap shot at a person that most stubborn, noxious bribe-seekers will never be in a position to condescend to. If Mr. Volkerding doesn't want to think that hard, perhaps he should just keep quiet.

Whenever there's an argument about his devotion to principles and to freedom, all one has to do is point out that it's quite a feat of hypocrisy for him to deny he wants to force me to wind up in a straitjacket and locked in a padded cell after so recently doing exactly that. That should settle the argument pretty quickly. You may make the comment, "What does this have to do with rude airheads?" Well, once you begin to see the light, you'll realize that only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to place a high value on honor and self-respect. But the first step is to acknowledge that his method (or school, or ideology -- it is hard to know exactly what to call it) goes by the name of "Mr. Volkerding-ism". It is a short-sighted and avowedly unpleasant philosophy that aims to assail all that is holy. Mr. Volkerding publicly disavows his ties to Marxism while secretly encouraging his spin doctors to replace love and understanding with sexism and opportunism. Not that I've come to expect any better from him. Let me close where I began: My cop-outs are clearly in defense of decency and human dignity and violate nobody's rights.

How to have sex with your house

[Anonymous Coward]

How to have sexual intercourse with your house

Read this entire document before trying any of the steps.

'Having sex with a house'. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood to mean sex in a house, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can you have sex with a house? The short answer is: in the letterbox. The long answer is much more involved, including techniques, precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction from screwing a house. Our first subject will be the letterbox. The letterbox of the house is, of course, where the mail comes out. So in this sense, the letterbox is an anus.

First we will deal with some cautions you should know about. In most houses, the edge of the letterbox is sharp. You should therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the letterbox.

If the gas fire has been on for a long (or even a relatively short) period of time, the letterbox will be hot. Do not do anything with the letterbox hot. Wait until the letterbox has cooled off. The letterbox will cool off faster than the gas fire, so you don't have long to wait. I call screwing the house while the letterbox is hot, "fucking the house hot". Never fuck a house hot. I did, once. Once.

The mail from a house contains anal gases. One of these, housebon fart, is a slow killer. Carbon fart takes a long time to be flushed out of the body, so it can build up to toxic levels without your knowing it. Never do anything with the letterbox while the gas fire is on!

Now, the first thing you should note is that the inside of the letterbox is usually coated with letters. This is the usual particulate debris of writing to people. Before having sex with the house, clean the inside of the letterbox with soap and warm water, as far as you can go. Keep in mind the possibly sharp edge of the letterbox.

Now that the letterbox is clean, you are ready to pleasure and be pleasured by the house. You can do this two ways. One way doesn't require any equipment. The other way (which is much more rewarding) does. The first way is to fuck the house 'raw'. This does NOT mean stuffing your cock into the letterbox and thrusting. This would hurt (remember the sharp edges?) and be no fun anyway, since the letterbox doesn't flex.

What you should do is get behind the house and start jerking off. When you are about to come, houseefully put your cock into the letterbox of the house, and then come. But, in the heat of passion, you must still remember the sharp edge. Even putting just the head into the letterbox is good enough. Just make VERY sure that you don't hurt yourself. Now, this assumes that you can get your cock into the letterbox in the first place. Some letterboxs are too small, and then, well, you're out of luck. Find someone who has a house with a bigger letterbox.

The best way to have sex with a house, however, is not raw. You need the following equipment:

1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.

If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr, xdraco@panix.com) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated, it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case, it is inserted into the letterbox of the house you want to have sex with.

To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie', a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber dingumbob in which you put soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good deal of them at a local discount-type store.

There are two kinds, thick walled and thin walled. I've only been able to find the thick kind; the thin kind I've only been able to get through an advertising company. The thin kind is particularly good with letterboxs not much bigger than your cock. Here is what you need to do:

1. Measure the circumference of your erect penis. This is most easily done by wrapping a string around your cock (around the shaft, not the head). 2. Take the bottom of the Koozie out. You should be left with a tube. 3. Cut the wall of the tube from top to bottom so that you are left with a slab of foam rubber which refuses to stay straight. 4. Now, Carefully cut away material parallel to the first cut until you can put the ends together making a smaller tube, and such that the inner circumference of the tube is slightly smaller (say, by 1/2" or so) than the circumference of your shaft. 5. Take a piece of electrical tape. Hold the ends of the tube flush. Place the tape on the cut on the outside to secure the tube in the middle. Now repeat with more tape until the cut is secure. Wrap tape around the whole thing. 6. Drink the soda. With the scissors, CAREFULLY cut off the top and bottom of the aluminum can. CAREFULLY cut a strip of aluminum lengthwise from the can, about 3/4" to 1" wide. 7. Coat the strip with electrical tape. This is to prevent the edges from cutting. 8. Attach the strip to the tube at one end. 9. 'Test drive' it! Lube it up with KY (try not to use Cola-based lubricant; you may want to use it with more than one person, and then you'll be using a condom). Now, stuff the SIU up the letterbox and lube well.

You now have several options for fucking your house. One major one is from behind. If the house is a semi-detatched, then paint it beige and remove the chimney. This will enable the house to rock back and forth to your thrusts. If the house is terraced, chock the front door well, remove the doorbell, and put the house in a photo -- the bigger the photo, the more play the house has. This will also enable the house to rock. Kneel behind the house. Now thrust in.

You may not have any trouble with heavier stone-clad houses, since you may not have to chock the wallpaper -- the weight of the house will prevent the gas fire from 'topping out' and moving the house away. Lighter asbestos houses are more likely to be topped out by your thrusts, so chocking is necessary. In general, the lower the chimney, the less play, but the more difficult it is to top the gas fire out.

Another major method is to lie down under the house, your upper body under the house, and thrust into the house. It is difficult, though, to make the house rock unless you push on the closest rear window. I've also had some success leaning on my side and fucking the house sideways. More than one person can fuck a house if it has more than one letterbox on opposite sides of the house. This will also make the house rock faster and harder since the energy of two people will add.

NEVER fuck a house with the gas fire on. Firstly, you will be breathing hard, and that means you can poison yourself faster. Secondly, the house will either stall (because there's something blocking the letterbox, heh) -- causing damage to the gas fire -- or will force the mail out. And you have an idea where the mail will go, I trust. Ouch! Fatality City!

If you do not use a condom and you come inside the house, ten or fifteen minutes of sitting in the house will kill off anything inside. So you do not have to worry about STDs from that. What you will have to worry about, though, is the SIU itself. It is not being sterilized. Therefore, if you use an SIU you think is going to be used by someone else, use a condom, and use KY jelly or some other water-based lubricant. Remember -- Cola rots condoms, and so will an Cola-based lubricant.

Enjoy your houses!

Re:Slack's great, but package management?

[Glytch]

Nice troll. A lack of profanity, proper spelling and punctuation. I rate it a 9/10.