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Please Don't Ask Me About Windows On Christmas
Like many Slashdot users I spend a wee bit of my otherwise leisure
time doing gratis tech support for people I may not even know. I usually don't
mind too much but last Christmas I got more than one call from distant
relatives that, along with wanting to spread holiday cheer, had me weigh in on
whatever might be wrong with their new gadget. I was pleased as punch to see this
article in the NYT (F.R.Y.Y.Y) about
where I might be able to send the less techo hip. If you do *Windows* tech
support for grandma after hours this article might also come in handy." Here are a couple of previous articles about the sorry state of conventional support options -- perhaps articles like this will spark some entrepreneurial ideas, too.
Heh, I don't even have to wast for the holidays... ppl call me up anyhow, and the first thing that crosses my mind is
dd if=/dev/zero of=/dev/hda bs=512
There now, that should fix it....
C|N>K
if google made $1 everytime someone used them to find an answer to a tech support question, they would 0wn microsoft.
Never let anyone know your job/schooling involves tweaking computers.
Example:
Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : So what's your major?
You : Computer Science
Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : Ooh, can I get some help from you later? Here's my roommate's friend's number. They'll know how to get in touch with me.
You : Cool!
Later On, after spending 20 hours on some shitty HTML assignment for her:
Hot Blonde previously at Campus Bar : Get the fuck out of the Computer Lab, loser.
Wrong!
Let's try again.
Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : So what's your major?
You : Art History
Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : My daddy bought me a cool Rembrandt painting for my 16th birthday. Well that, and the bimmer. Want to come up to my room and see it?
Correct.
This can be rough if the only people you know are coworkers and people in your Degree Major, but if you're that kind of person, you're fucked anyways.
I had to learn this the hard way, being in Computer Science in a previous life. Although my answer to the problem was to change majors ; instead, I am a Liberal Arts Major. And *wink wink* my previous major was Mathematics.
Call up Janie Porche and her PowerBook. She saved Christmas! Who wants to spend Christmas afternoon downloading Windows drivers??
Is your browser retarded?
"Uncle Frank gave me his old PC with a 50 Mhz Pentium Processor, 4 meg RAM, ISA video card, and monochrome display. How can I get The Sims on here? I think we have like 900k free on the A drive..."
"This food is problematic."
Well now that depends, if I fix his computer for free;
uh, yah.
(see, it is called exchange of labor.
Need help treating your acne? Come here!
Supporting Windows is making me rich! I am constantly receiving calls from clients who run NT, 2000 and even XP! A lack of support options means I am in demand! In this economy I can't afford for people to switch from Windows.
:)
Please, if you care about the IT support business; if you like spending every spare minute earning cash; or if you just want to see other peoples' systems crash and burn, JUST SAY WINDOWS!!
And if you can get people to install those freaking HP print managers and logitech mouseman drivers, hey! More business for me
When you're down visiting for Christmas I need you to open up my CD drive and see what's making all that racket, because you're a programmer and know all about computers!
A Government Is a Body of People, Usually Notably Ungoverned
Here Here! While I have no problems supporting or helping my family with computers (hey, they ARE family) I get somewhat.. annoyed when friends/friends of friends want me to fix their computers. The worst part of it all is that if you fix it, and something breaks on it, it will forever be your fault. YOU broke it when you fixed it last time come and repair your damage, etc, etc. And of course if you work in an IT department of a company you always get those lovely people who decide they can stop you in the halls and ask computer questions about their home systems. My personal favorite.
I have a friend who works at Best Buy in the 'tech' department. They have like a computer tune-up service for about 100$. I asked him what they do and it was pretty simple; defrag/scandisk and wipe out every piece of spywear on the computer/multiple installed programs, etc, etc. He said they never notice and 9 times out of 10 they say their computer runs so much faster. Heh, that's what I've started to do. Just wipe the darn thing as clean as you can make it - chances are they will never notice and, if they do, pull a BOFH and just make an excuse "your IDE hard drive driver was conflicting with your network interface card so I had to delete Bonzai Buddy. Just trust me"
Argh. I also just started billing people, makes my life so much easier.
You see, christmas ia no longer a joy for the teenager. Not only must the awkward youth spend time with family and endure endless comments about (lack of) boyfriends, (lack of) taste in clothes and finaly, (lack of) social life. We must now deal with the mind boggling queries of the adults about their new toys.
Grandma got a new version of Windows. Joy. Although I am not a windows users and must give support *over the phone*, not able to play around and discover the problem, I am expected to be able to fix her installation woes, and quickly.
Of course, I must also make AOL work in an efficent manner. I would comment that I am not Jesus Christ, but that kind of heathenism isn't allowed at the dinner table.
Let's not get into the time I was asked to install an older version of Windows (95) over a newer version (ME) without distroying any of the information on the computer. (i.e., without formating.) When I asked why, I was told that Grandpa's Outlook Express wasn't printing files properly. My hand became firmly stapled to my forehead.
*sigh* And they say my angst is unjustified.
"You sir, have just crossed my happy line..."
The Rules
The Game of Christmas is a game for any number of players, but must include at least three who would much rather be watching The Guns of Navarone and two who would prefer a nice walk, after all "It's only a bit of drizzle and we could all do with some fresh air."
Contents
One poorly decorated sitting-room; one television set; one remote control (confiscated); one complete boxed set of "Grievances", including Huffs, Chips, Grudges, Injuries and Insults; a disgruntlement of relations.
Preparations
Preparations may begin on Boxing Day of the previous year ("Never again"), but must begin no later than August or early September. Players should allow three months to manoeuvre into one of the four correct starting positions. These are:
i) The Stand-off Position: "But we came to you last year: it's your turn to come to us."
ii) The Feet-up Position: "Of course we'd love to have you; it's just that we're a shorter drive from you than you are from us."
iii) The Hands-off Position: "Actually, we were thinking of going abroad this year. No, it's not that we didn't enjoy it last year".
iv) The Hands-up Position: "Would you mind if we also brought her sister from Wales? The one with bulimia? You see, she's terribly depressed at the moment."
Playing the Guilt card
Early playing of the Guilt card, followed by the Huff, is essential. Any change to the Christmas schedule beyond mid-October may be opposed by the Home Captain by accompanying the Guilt Card with the exasperated sigh: "I suppose we'll have to make do, though as usual it's very last minute."
Objective
To cause the maximum number of players to depart the room slamming the door before close of play. Each exit must be accompanied by the question: "Was it something I said?" To which the players left in the game must reply: "So what do you think?"
How to play
Each player of Christmas must invade another player's space by asking a series of Personal Questions. These are drawn from one of five categories:
i) History: eg, "Was it in 1978 or 1979 that you forgot my birthday? No, it doesn't matter. I've forgotten all about it. It's just that I don't suppose I'll ever really get over it."
ii) Sport: eg, "Who told your children they could play French cricket in the kitchen?"
iii) Hobbies and Interests: eg, "But what makes you think I didn't like the shoeshine kit you gave me the year before last?"
iv) Guess the Weight: eg, "Is it just me or have you put on weight?"
v) Politics: eg, "How can you possibly say that when it comes to third-world debt they've only got themselves to blame? I can't believe I'm hearing this!"
If the answer is either incorrect or unrepeatable, the Chip then passes to the original player, who now holds an all-important Grudge.
Remember
If one of your ploys is sunk, you may add Insult to Injury to form a complete set of Grievances.
How to start
Players from the ages 8 to 80 sit around the table staring at one another. Players aged seven and under proceed to screech at one another either a) "Give it", or b) "But I had it first". Players aged 81 and over must now raise their eyebrows and mumble either: a) "In my day we were perfectly happy to make do with a cardboard box and a bit of string", or b) "They've lost all sense of respect".
First move
The Home Captain makes the first move by reading the following instructions in monotone: "The score is doubled when the square landed on is either less than the total number indicated by the spaces moved by the previous player or the route taken by the green player is indicated by the square landed on by the player with the highest score at the beginning of the round, but only if the sum of the aggregate is the same as or less than the score of all the remaining pieces combined (a challenge may not be called unless the challenger is at right angles to the player with the lowest number of cards)."
Second move
The second player then looks vexed and replies: "I'm sorry, but that's not how we've always played." Subsequent disputes about the rules then continue in a clockwise direction until that point when one or more players insist that the original rulebook states that the correct direction for disputes is anti-clockwise.
The role of non-players
At least once every five minutes each non-player must call out either, "But The Guns of Navarone is about to start", or, "If we don't go for that walk, it'll be dark in half an hour". Non-players over the age of 81 are allowed to repeat, "It's a time for the kiddies" over and over again. Extra points may be gained by leaning over a player's shoulder for three minutes and breathing noisily before exclaiming: "You shouldn't have done that!"
Scoring
The winner is the first player to find himself in a deserted room. On hearing one or more of the following sounds drifting through the slammed door, the winner may add these points to his total:
i) Mutual recrimination (one point).
ii) Indiscriminate sobbing (two).
iii) Tyres screeching (four).
An extra five points are awarded for each melted strawberry creme discovered beneath a cushion.
Warning
The game of Christmas should be played no more than once a year.
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