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Please Don't Ask Me About Windows On Christmas

Posted by ryuzaki0 on from the buy-your-folks-better-hardware-or-suffer dept.

Like many Slashdot users I spend a wee bit of my otherwise leisure time doing gratis tech support for people I may not even know. I usually don't mind too much but last Christmas I got more than one call from distant relatives that, along with wanting to spread holiday cheer, had me weigh in on whatever might be wrong with their new gadget. I was pleased as punch to see this article in the NYT (F.R.Y.Y.Y) about where I might be able to send the less techo hip. If you do *Windows* tech support for grandma after hours this article might also come in handy." Here are a couple of previous articles about the sorry state of conventional support options -- perhaps articles like this will spark some entrepreneurial ideas, too.

36 of 523 comments (clear)

  1. Windows tech by inode_buddha · · Score: 4, Funny

    Heh, I don't even have to wast for the holidays... ppl call me up anyhow, and the first thing that crosses my mind is
    dd if=/dev/zero of=/dev/hda bs=512
    There now, that should fix it....

    --
    C|N>K
  2. Upgraded to Linux/OpenOffice by stonebeat.org · · Score: 4, Interesting

    In my Unix Operator days, I used to get these calls. Actually they turned out to be beneficial (to the OS world).... I got some of the users to upgrade to StartOffice/OpenOffice or even Linux.

    --


    Consensus is good, but informed dictatorship is better
  3. Ah yes... by vga_init · · Score: 5, Funny
    The age old problem of people asking you to help them out with their gadgets or begging you to fix their computer for them, either over the phone or in person. Over the years, I have discovered a twofold solution to this problem:
    1. Pretend like you don't know what the solution is and tell them you can't help them.
    2. Buy one of those handy t-shirts that read, "No, I will not fix your computer." Wear this shirt daily for best results.
    1. Re:Ah yes... by Herkum01 · · Score: 5, Funny

      You see a geek may have as many shirts as they desire, but to forefill their role, they can only WEAR one shirt! :)

    2. Re:Ah yes... by distributed.karma · · Score: 5, Insightful
      > Pretend like you don't know what the solution is and tell them you can't help them.

      Imagine I'm a Linux and BSD poweruser/sysadmin and the problem is related to Windoze or Mac. I honestly don't know that much about those systems (nor do I care to learn) so there's no 'pretend'.

      I should probably explain this attitude more generally. Since I don't have anything to do with Microsoft, there's no basis for me to bash(1) their products. Likewise I don't fancy buying an Xbox to be modded into a Linux box, because I don't want to be involved with M$ in any way.

      In many cases it's best just to ignore M$ quietly, and focus on doing your things with the best tools. I know there's the practical problem of getting a box (especially laptop) without Windows, but for many other things the quiet way should work.

      Think of it this way: M$ is the neighbourhood bully who gets his satisfaction from pissing you off. He will be powerless if you just ignore him.

      --

      --
      If you moderate this, then your children will be next.

    3. Re:Ah yes... by Road · · Score: 5, Insightful

      Since I don't have anything to do with Microsoft, there's no basis for me to bash(1) their products

      Well then, why the M$ crap?

    4. Re:Ah yes... by shayne321 · · Score: 5, Insightful

      Imagine I'm a Linux and BSD poweruser/sysadmin and the problem is related to Windoze or Mac. I honestly don't know that much about those systems (nor do I care to learn) so there's no 'pretend'.

      I used to work with a guy who had this same attitude.. The guy was a super genius and could to anything with linux you'd ever want done, but had some secret hatred of microsoft and refused to go near their products. Problem is, in the Real World you can't just ignore them. Case in point, said co-worker was asked to setup a samba server on linux. He had no problems setting up the server, but even *mapping a drive* from windows to test the server took him hours since he knew so little about windows. Like it or not, Microsoft has a MAJOR foothold in the PC and server world (to say the least), and simply ignoring them will do much more harm to you than to them.

      In many cases it's best just to ignore M$ quietly, and focus on doing your things with the best tools.

      That's YOUR decision if you choose to ignore Microsoft just because they're microsoft - and I certainly won't bash you for it - but sometimes a microsoft product IS the best tool for the job.. Throwing it away just because it is made my microsoft seems a little short sighted.. To me, "best tools" should include ANY tool that helps me accomplish what I need to accomplish with my PC.

      Think of it this way: M$ is the neighbourhood bully who gets his satisfaction from pissing you off. He will be powerless if you just ignore him.

      Ugh, slashdot analogies are always horrible.. And since we've established that, let me make an equally horrible one... Think of Microsoft as your corner crack dealer. You may not approve of what he does, and yes, if you ignore him he probably won't try to sell you crack.. But hey, if you need some crack, he's the only place you're gonna find it.

      (Sheesh, did I just stick up for microsoft AND refer to them as a crack dealer in the same post? I need to leave the beer alone).

      Shayne

      --
      Today I didn't even have to use my AK; I got to say it was a good day -- Icecube
    5. Re:Ah yes... by archen · · Score: 5, Insightful

      I used to work with a guy who had this same attitude..

      Some of us don't have an attitude; we're just doing our job. And you know how you become a super Linux guru knowing little about Windows? It's because you focus your efforts. It's better to do one thing well than do a shitty job knowing a little bit of everything. I don't hold it against a Linux guru if he does a very good job not knowing windows, nor do I hold it against a good (yes GOOD) MS guru if they also know their stuff and know little about Linux. Rather smart people may be able to master everything, but not so smart people like me might have to concentrate our efforts to do a better job in other areas. I spend most of my time as an admin on our Linux/NT servers, but is it really my fault because I don't know every single problem with Windows? You tell me. I really don't think so.

      user (on phone): Exel is giving me an error.
      me: okay
      user: something about not enough memory.
      me: ...
      user: But I just want to save the file but it won't let me. I don't even have anything else open.
      me: ... hmm... I donno

      Some of us have to pick our battles.

    6. Re:Ah yes... by Austenite · · Score: 5, Interesting

      I find the two prevailing attitudes in most of these posts really disturbing.

      Not doing unpleasant chores for your family, like Windows support - I mean, they are your family ferchrissakes.

      Second, the idea that you can be a programmer/linux/mainframe person and know nothing about PC's. The parent of the this post is the most reasonable attempt at explanation of the lot. However, with an education, a developed analytical reasoning ability, lack of fear about items technological and an understanding of the principles of operation, there shouldn't be many problems most of your family could have that you could not assist with.

      Yes, you SHOULD be able to find the networking configuration of any GUI OS, for example. You SHOULD be able to take in the available information, formulate a theory, test the hypothesis and observe the results. You SHOULD be able to use whatever experience you do have, even if the situation is one you have not previously encountered.

      Unless of course you're a reasonably bright kid who was into computers early and skipped a proper unversity education to catch the IT boom and are now looking down the barrel of 40 years in a mature industry with no qualifications and no learning skills with which to update your specific technical knowledge.

      And no family who feel the need to support you when you need help.

      --
      "In person, WAP'ed up and making your life a misery!" BOFH, 2003
    7. Re:Ah yes... by shepd · · Score: 5, Interesting

      I like my solution:

      Charge $20 a hour. Turn your hobby into a business. Make money and enjoy it. Charge much more when you have the brick and mortar (Prices up to $60 an hour should be no problem). Lather, rinse, repeat.

      The best part is, if you're careful about it, you never have to advertise (all I do is pass my business cards to the right people). My "on the side" (but still reported to the tax-man) earnings have surpassed my part-time job, to the point where I have to be careful with my time so that I can squeeze that last few months of college in before I go full-time (I may need to quit my "real" job shortly). All you need to do is find something you can do that most others (including your fellow techs) can't do. One of my specialties is modchip installations. Once your specialty is known, you'll get jobs for it, and all the usual stuff will fall into place too (fixing DUN, virus/ad-software removal, building computers, building home networks, cabling, satellite installs, etc. for me).

      Nothing beats a self started business. And yes, I will work Christmas evening - that's when people want to pay me the most (I can already see the multi-digit tips -- thanks for that goodwill cheer!). I just can't "open" the store that day (stupid laws). :-)

      You know, for all the complaining I do about windows, it _does_ ensure I've got a steady job.

      Maybe I shouldn't be giving away the keys to growing your own home business to everyone on slashdot. I really don't need any more competition. ;-)

      --
      If you could be told what you can see or read, then it follows that you could be told what to say or think - BoC
  4. who needs a windows tech? i got google! by wuchang · · Score: 5, Funny

    if google made $1 everytime someone used them to find an answer to a tech support question, they would 0wn microsoft.

  5. Great idea by MacAndrew · · Score: 5, Interesting

    I'll offer to do support for Macs, since they're what I know best. Oh wait ... I'm done already. ;-)

    I feel ever so slightly guilty about it, but I have for years kept very quiet about knowing *anything* about computers. I used to do tech support (secondary to coding) and don't remember it fondly. If you couldn't fix the problem, you were possibly incompetent; if you could, the problem was maybe your fault, or easy. (OK, that's the mos cynical description.)

    Worst of all, people would ask me to work on their PC's (shudder) where I'm pretty ignorant, having tuned out around Windows 3.1. There's an idea out there that if you "know something about computers" that you can strike up a conversation with *any* computer. (You know, like the American theory that anyone anywhere can understand English if you just speak it slowly and loudly enough. ;-)

    But to help out is great, it's a shame to see $1000+ paperweights. Also, as a Mac fan and investor I have wanted people to enjoy their machine -- that evangelism thang.

    Gee, I had a point here. Just some observations I suppose, sitting here with my wireless iBook.... Works great.

  6. Here's the trick by BlackTriangle · · Score: 4, Funny

    Never let anyone know your job/schooling involves tweaking computers.

    Example:

    Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : So what's your major?

    You : Computer Science

    Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : Ooh, can I get some help from you later? Here's my roommate's friend's number. They'll know how to get in touch with me.

    You : Cool!

    Later On, after spending 20 hours on some shitty HTML assignment for her:

    Hot Blonde previously at Campus Bar : Get the fuck out of the Computer Lab, loser.

    Wrong!

    Let's try again.

    Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : So what's your major?

    You : Art History

    Hot Blonde at Campus Bar : My daddy bought me a cool Rembrandt painting for my 16th birthday. Well that, and the bimmer. Want to come up to my room and see it?

    Correct.

    This can be rough if the only people you know are coworkers and people in your Degree Major, but if you're that kind of person, you're fucked anyways.

    I had to learn this the hard way, being in Computer Science in a previous life. Although my answer to the problem was to change majors ; instead, I am a Liberal Arts Major. And *wink wink* my previous major was Mathematics.

    1. Re:Here's the trick by alanwj · · Score: 5, Funny
      I had to learn this the hard way, being in Computer Science in a previous life. Although my answer to the problem was to change majors ; instead, I am a Liberal Arts Major. And *wink wink* my previous major was Mathematics.

      How ironic. Now that you can get hot chicks, you won't be able to afford them.

      Alan
  7. Isn't the answer obvious? by Clue4All · · Score: 5, Funny

    Call up Janie Porche and her PowerBook. She saved Christmas! Who wants to spend Christmas afternoon downloading Windows drivers??

    --

    Is your browser retarded?
  8. Only Fix bootleg copies. by bstadil · · Score: 5, Interesting
    I only fix windows problems for people I know bootlegged the latest upgrade of Windows.

    If they paid for the current software I ask them to have the people that got the money fix the problem.

    This is a good lead in for putting Mozilla / OpenOffice etc on the windows box.

    --
    Help fight continental drift.
  9. PC Support by Andrewkov · · Score: 4, Insightful

    As someone who did PC support for years, I can relate to this. Everyone and their brother wants help with their PC's, and expects it for free. They think you like nothing better than to sit around giving computer advice at family functions, parties, etc. You wouldn't expect your brother-in-law the mechanic to fix your car for free, would you? Or get a free root canal from a relative who's a dentist? Why is there this perception that IT people should work for free, and live to fix your Windows problems? Now I just tell them I only work on mainframes (or "BIG Computers" when they give you a blank look), and don't know Windows. Anyway, sorry for the rant, this is something that's been bugging me for years.

    1. Re:PC Support by Com2Kid · · Score: 5, Funny
      • You wouldn't expect your brother-in-law the mechanic to fix your car for free, would you?


      Well now that depends, if I fix his computer for free;

      uh, yah. :)

      (see, it is called exchange of labor. :) )
      --
      Need help treating your acne? Come here!
    2. Re:PC Support by Peyna · · Score: 5, Insightful

      I wouldn't "expect" a family member to do work for me for free; however, at least in my family, part of being family is that you take care of your family. So, if you can do something for them to help them out, and it isn't going to kill you, you do it!

      So while you should never expect gifts from family in this way, you should always give them.

      --
      What?
    3. Re:PC Support by NotAnotherReboot · · Score: 5, Interesting

      Actually, I used to help my friend with his family's PC a good deal, fixing problems when they came up. After awhile his mom came over to my house and offered to give me money for working on it, and you know what my mom did? Turned it down. For doing work. This perception is definitely widespread, but I must admit it can actually be fun to get praised for fixing pretty simple things.

  10. Who to recommend? by gad_zuki! · · Score: 5, Informative

    I'm starting to get "Christmas requests" at work and frankly I don't want to do any of it, but people do ask who to buy from. I just tell them to goto Dell or even CDW as that's who I use for corporate, but they aren't necessarily the best deals nor the best option for the home buyer and I'd hate to point them to Best Buy or some other retail nightmare. By retail nightmare I mean a selection of only Compaqs starting at much more than what they're worth, $40 USB and parallel cables, pushy saleskids pushing worthless 'extended warranties', etc.

    So who to recommend? I'd like to point people towards a company or two who excel in price and service. It doesn't matter if they're a multi-national or some local/web only shop, but the latter would be nice. So what retailers would you recommend for technophobes in need of a windows machine that'll do the basics?

  11. The common dilemma... by citking · · Score: 5, Funny
    Scrooge gets a visit from the ghost of hand-me-downs past...

    "Uncle Frank gave me his old PC with a 50 Mhz Pentium Processor, 4 meg RAM, ISA video card, and monochrome display. How can I get The Sims on here? I think we have like 900k free on the A drive..."

    --
    "This food is problematic."
  12. Re:My tech support advice come Christmastime? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Insightful

    You're a jackass, you know that? You only have one family, don't fucking laugh at them because they don't have the same interests you do.

  13. How about... by T-Kir · · Score: 5, Insightful

    We're called Geeks and Nerds in general...

    ...but when 'they' (the populace who ridicule or look down on us) want us to do something for them, we're called 'friends'. That is until we've fixed it and gone home.

    Cynicism, don't you just love it, eh?

    --
    Are you local? There's nothing for you here!
  14. SHHH!!! by Col.+Panic · · Score: 5, Funny

    Supporting Windows is making me rich! I am constantly receiving calls from clients who run NT, 2000 and even XP! A lack of support options means I am in demand! In this economy I can't afford for people to switch from Windows.

    Please, if you care about the IT support business; if you like spending every spare minute earning cash; or if you just want to see other peoples' systems crash and burn, JUST SAY WINDOWS!!

    And if you can get people to install those freaking HP print managers and logitech mouseman drivers, hey! More business for me :)

  15. But you're a programmer! by Arandir · · Score: 5, Funny

    When you're down visiting for Christmas I need you to open up my CD drive and see what's making all that racket, because you're a programmer and know all about computers!

    --
    A Government Is a Body of People, Usually Notably Ungoverned
  16. Altruism? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Perhaps I don't get it. If its friends or family, why would this be a problem? I've been asked for help plenty of times over the years and never thought twice about it. Why would I?

  17. I tell people to call Microsoft by Randy+Rathbun · · Score: 5, Insightful

    "They created the abortion of an OS, so let them support it." Those are the exact words I use.

    This is my thinking on the matter:

    If I go do the job that MS tech support is supposed to be doing, I am, in fact, donating to them. Why should I do that? They have money and resources and time. They are not paying me to answer questions. So, why should I spend my time and energy?

    Now, I am not talking about fixing stuff at work. I am talking about fixing other people's computers.

    I first took this stance a few years ago at a family get together. Suddenly it was "let's ask Randy all our Windows questions." On the way home it dawned on me what an entirely shitty evening I had because I got to solve everyone's problems for free. I fixed their problems and got nothing in return.

    What really took the cake though was this friend of a friend whose computer I got roped into fixing. While I am sitting there trying to fix a sound card problem and get the 10 different copies of Netscape off the machine (yes, she had 10 copies of Netscape) the lady says to me, "well, my son says there is nothing wrong with the sound card drivers." I looked her square in the eye and said "Who's your son?" Then I got up and promptly left. I wasn't charging the lady any money, but the last thing in the world I want is some car mechanic son of hers telling me how to do my job.

    I now provide support for only two people - my mom and my dad. That's it. If someone asks me for help I tell them I charge $100/hour billable in 15 minute increments. Unless they are running Linux, then I do it for free.

    One final story: I had this one chucklehead I used to work with call me up at work one day and ask some dumb Windows question - it was something like "Why do I get a blue screen?" My answer - "That's Windows!" He proceeds to tell me how Windows is really popular and that when he worked for some company on the help desk (like this guy could help anyone) he came to that conclusion because he got 100 calls for Windows support vs one call for Mac support. To which I replied, "Well, maybe that's because Windows is so shitty it needs that many support calls." He hung up pretty quick.

    1. Re:I tell people to call Microsoft by ender81b · · Score: 4, Funny

      Here Here! While I have no problems supporting or helping my family with computers (hey, they ARE family) I get somewhat.. annoyed when friends/friends of friends want me to fix their computers. The worst part of it all is that if you fix it, and something breaks on it, it will forever be your fault. YOU broke it when you fixed it last time come and repair your damage, etc, etc. And of course if you work in an IT department of a company you always get those lovely people who decide they can stop you in the halls and ask computer questions about their home systems. My personal favorite.

      I have a friend who works at Best Buy in the 'tech' department. They have like a computer tune-up service for about 100$. I asked him what they do and it was pretty simple; defrag/scandisk and wipe out every piece of spywear on the computer/multiple installed programs, etc, etc. He said they never notice and 9 times out of 10 they say their computer runs so much faster. Heh, that's what I've started to do. Just wipe the darn thing as clean as you can make it - chances are they will never notice and, if they do, pull a BOFH and just make an excuse "your IDE hard drive driver was conflicting with your network interface card so I had to delete Bonzai Buddy. Just trust me"

      Argh. I also just started billing people, makes my life so much easier.

  18. No Registration Required. Not Even A Fake One. by DarkZero · · Score: 5, Informative

    Here's the article, no registration, no fake registration, nothing.

    90% of the NYT stories that Slashdot posts can be viewed without registration through a deal that the New York Times has with Asahi.com. You can see the listing of stories here.

  19. Free tech is great karma by parliboy · · Score: 5, Insightful
    I find my 10 minutes of tech support is useful for cashing in free labor. The last time I purchased a major applicance, I called a person for whom I installed DSL and had free help for the installation in less than five minutes. When I needed to transport something by truck, I flagged the uncle whose system I upgraded. Another time, when my system crashed shortly before a major (freelance) project was due, I moved in with the tech-challenged neighbors for a few days, designing / scripting on their system from evening to late morning and sleeping during the rest of the day.

    Bottom line, don't lament your inevitable consultation requests. Help them as best you can, and then cash in the karma for appropriate favors from them. I think you'll find it comes in handy.

    --
    "You're never ready, just less unprepared."
  20. Why not do it? by dasunt · · Score: 5, Insightful

    I see a lot of griping about fixing computer problems here. Sure, I can understand politely saying "I'm sorry, its Xmas, I'll help you another day", but I don't understand saying "Go away, I'll never help you!"

    I will admit, I have fixed computers for family and friends. I have even given away low cost parts for cheap. In return, I have called on the same members of my family and friends for help moving, for advice on vehicle problems, to borrow items, or just to dig their brains for a specific kernel of knowledge.

    Help your family and friends. The only calls you should be turning down (or charging for) are from aquaintances that only contact you when they need computer help. Being friendly isn't an excuse to be walked on.

    Just my $.02

  21. A 16 year old's christmas by electrick · · Score: 5, Funny

    You see, christmas ia no longer a joy for the teenager. Not only must the awkward youth spend time with family and endure endless comments about (lack of) boyfriends, (lack of) taste in clothes and finaly, (lack of) social life. We must now deal with the mind boggling queries of the adults about their new toys.

    Grandma got a new version of Windows. Joy. Although I am not a windows users and must give support *over the phone*, not able to play around and discover the problem, I am expected to be able to fix her installation woes, and quickly.

    Of course, I must also make AOL work in an efficent manner. I would comment that I am not Jesus Christ, but that kind of heathenism isn't allowed at the dinner table.

    Let's not get into the time I was asked to install an older version of Windows (95) over a newer version (ME) without distroying any of the information on the computer. (i.e., without formating.) When I asked why, I was told that Grandpa's Outlook Express wasn't printing files properly. My hand became firmly stapled to my forehead.

    *sigh* And they say my angst is unjustified.

    --
    "You sir, have just crossed my happy line..."
  22. Don't help them! by opkool · · Score: 4, Insightful

    See what could happen.

    Don't be free tech support for Microsoft. If they want to use Windows, fine. It's their choice, their problem. Not yours. Let them pay... how much is now? $100 a call?

    Users must learn the cost of their decissions.

  23. Re:Upgraded to Linux by NanoGator · · Score: 4, Interesting

    "I get lots of code done on my linux box... perl/tk, my website, java, some C, etc...
    and on windows, I get just as much work done....
    ut2003, battlefield 1942, neverwinter nights....hey wait a minute....
    just a an fyi, not a troll.

    my point is, for me, linux is both a tinkering system and a WORKstation... the windows partition is strictly for goofing off:) "

    Are you implying that Windows isn't for 'work'? Sorry, I can't quite tell. Well in case you do mean that, hear my story:

    I'm a 3D Artist. I do lots of 3D rendering using Lightwave. I do texture painting in Photoshop. I do compositing in After Effects. My computer is *constantly* busy. I'm running Windows 2000, and I don't have stability issues. (I wouldn't dare say that about Win 9X, at best I had 2 days uptime with any of those OS's.)

    I get quite a bit of 'work' done, and Windows isn't standing in my way. I have not lost a single render due to Windows or LW instability.

    Would Linux be just as stable? Sure. No doubt about it. The thing is, though, Windows is happily doing what I need it to. (And the games you mention are a big plus) If I'm to switch to Linux, it's going to have to be better than Windows, not just caught up.

    It's funny really, this article is about supporting Windows. What about supporting Linux? I loathe the idea of telling my mom (who lives 3,000 miles alway) to open a 'shell window' and type in badly spelt commands in a case sensitive manner.

    Anyway, rant rant rant. If Windows was such a 'toy OS', I wouldn't be able to depend on it. I know lots of people, all artists, that'll tell you the same thing.

    --
    "Derp de derp."
  24. The Game of Christmas by eggnogg · · Score: 5, Funny

    The Rules
    The Game of Christmas is a game for any number of players, but must include at least three who would much rather be watching The Guns of Navarone and two who would prefer a nice walk, after all "It's only a bit of drizzle and we could all do with some fresh air."

    Contents
    One poorly decorated sitting-room; one television set; one remote control (confiscated); one complete boxed set of "Grievances", including Huffs, Chips, Grudges, Injuries and Insults; a disgruntlement of relations.

    Preparations
    Preparations may begin on Boxing Day of the previous year ("Never again"), but must begin no later than August or early September. Players should allow three months to manoeuvre into one of the four correct starting positions. These are:

    i) The Stand-off Position: "But we came to you last year: it's your turn to come to us."
    ii) The Feet-up Position: "Of course we'd love to have you; it's just that we're a shorter drive from you than you are from us."
    iii) The Hands-off Position: "Actually, we were thinking of going abroad this year. No, it's not that we didn't enjoy it last year".
    iv) The Hands-up Position: "Would you mind if we also brought her sister from Wales? The one with bulimia? You see, she's terribly depressed at the moment."

    Playing the Guilt card
    Early playing of the Guilt card, followed by the Huff, is essential. Any change to the Christmas schedule beyond mid-October may be opposed by the Home Captain by accompanying the Guilt Card with the exasperated sigh: "I suppose we'll have to make do, though as usual it's very last minute."

    Objective
    To cause the maximum number of players to depart the room slamming the door before close of play. Each exit must be accompanied by the question: "Was it something I said?" To which the players left in the game must reply: "So what do you think?"

    How to play
    Each player of Christmas must invade another player's space by asking a series of Personal Questions. These are drawn from one of five categories:

    i) History: eg, "Was it in 1978 or 1979 that you forgot my birthday? No, it doesn't matter. I've forgotten all about it. It's just that I don't suppose I'll ever really get over it."
    ii) Sport: eg, "Who told your children they could play French cricket in the kitchen?"
    iii) Hobbies and Interests: eg, "But what makes you think I didn't like the shoeshine kit you gave me the year before last?"
    iv) Guess the Weight: eg, "Is it just me or have you put on weight?"
    v) Politics: eg, "How can you possibly say that when it comes to third-world debt they've only got themselves to blame? I can't believe I'm hearing this!"
    If the answer is either incorrect or unrepeatable, the Chip then passes to the original player, who now holds an all-important Grudge.

    Remember
    If one of your ploys is sunk, you may add Insult to Injury to form a complete set of Grievances.

    How to start
    Players from the ages 8 to 80 sit around the table staring at one another. Players aged seven and under proceed to screech at one another either a) "Give it", or b) "But I had it first". Players aged 81 and over must now raise their eyebrows and mumble either: a) "In my day we were perfectly happy to make do with a cardboard box and a bit of string", or b) "They've lost all sense of respect".

    First move
    The Home Captain makes the first move by reading the following instructions in monotone: "The score is doubled when the square landed on is either less than the total number indicated by the spaces moved by the previous player or the route taken by the green player is indicated by the square landed on by the player with the highest score at the beginning of the round, but only if the sum of the aggregate is the same as or less than the score of all the remaining pieces combined (a challenge may not be called unless the challenger is at right angles to the player with the lowest number of cards)."

    Second move
    The second player then looks vexed and replies: "I'm sorry, but that's not how we've always played." Subsequent disputes about the rules then continue in a clockwise direction until that point when one or more players insist that the original rulebook states that the correct direction for disputes is anti-clockwise.

    The role of non-players
    At least once every five minutes each non-player must call out either, "But The Guns of Navarone is about to start", or, "If we don't go for that walk, it'll be dark in half an hour". Non-players over the age of 81 are allowed to repeat, "It's a time for the kiddies" over and over again. Extra points may be gained by leaning over a player's shoulder for three minutes and breathing noisily before exclaiming: "You shouldn't have done that!"

    Scoring
    The winner is the first player to find himself in a deserted room. On hearing one or more of the following sounds drifting through the slammed door, the winner may add these points to his total:

    i) Mutual recrimination (one point).
    ii) Indiscriminate sobbing (two).
    iii) Tyres screeching (four).
    An extra five points are awarded for each melted strawberry creme discovered beneath a cushion.

    Warning
    The game of Christmas should be played no more than once a year.

    egg