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Largo Loving Linux
A little over a year ago, dot.kde.org and Newsforge did stories on the Linux-based systems being used in Largo, FL to run the city government. Roblimo went down there, drank their coffee, and wrote a follow-up piece which might be, but wasn't, entitled "How to be a sysadmin whose pager doesn't go off". (Newsforge is part of OSDN.)
I am a fan of creamed korn. Fat Wagina
Lots of Ls there, too!
Linux is loving Largo!
Man, this joke is getting old.
First, there was a plan: how to bring together the different development groups at work? My boss said there was a sort of tension he thought could be eased by some social interaction. Not easy. Almost all of the different development groups despised each other, each thinking its "art" was more important and eloquent than the others'.
There was the kernel extension developer group, coding mostly in C and some PowerPC and x86 assembler. They worked on making our PCI board work with Linux, *BSD, Mac OS X, QNX, and Solaris. They worked "special hours," coming in at one and staying late, supposedly, until seven or eight at night. They enjoyed Jizz cola and had a penchant for ThinkGeek t-shirts and cracking jokes about Win32 API calls and the dreaded Blue Screen of Death.
We had XML developers too. They worked on our website, documentation formatting, and simple apps to configure the driver software. They used HTML, XSL, JavaScript, and a bit of Java. They typically dressed casually, drank coffee and tea, and liked to work straight from the spec: no "Learn XSL in 30 Days" books were to be found in their cubicle farm.
Then we had the guys who wrote full-out UNIX apps. These guys and the products they wrote had been acquired from another company, and were the source of most of the tension: they'd never really been integrated into our group except that they were physically present with the rest of us. They all had beards or mullets or long, unwashed hair. Many wore suspenders or the afore-mentioned ThinkGeek clothes; some even had Penguin tatooes or small C app code tattooed on them. Their cubicle farm was known for the bleating laughter that exploded when one of them found a "silly" bug on someone else's code, and for the rotten, fetid stench that could only be compared to three-day-old shit reeking from inside a rotting corpse's abdominal cavity.
So, in order to get the guys to "know each other" my boss had asked me to organize a during-hours, alcohol-friendly party. My ideas ranged from a keg or two to live entertainment, AKA strippers. But as to what to get them to actually talk to each other in a human manner I had no clue. So I let it go til the last minute and decided to let my inherent creativity mull it over in the back of my head.
When the day of the party had arrived, the catering company brought in a few trays of lunch meat, chicken, pizza, and side dishes, I had picked up the kegs (all four) from the local brewery, and the big-screen TV and DVD were set up ready to blast the Matrix into the eyes and ears of my co-workers. The eagerness in the the air was encouraging and I thought that loosening up and smiles going on even now were a good sign. I even saw some of the guys who'd known each other previously begin to bunch up, bringing along the co-workers they knew from everyday work.
The first thing everyone did was hit the food line, loading up their plates and grabbing a cup for beer to wash it down with. A few approached me and thanked me for the food; it seems appeasing the belly really did tame the beast. After a few minutes of silence and eating and a few second and third courses, they guys were ready to sit down and be entertained. After asking if anyone needed anything else before the movie started, the lights went out and the Matrix began playing. I heard a few enthusiastic comments and jokes being told.
About half-way through the movie I noticed a lot of the guys, especially from the UNIX app group, were getting up and presumably going to the restroom. No suprise, as the second keg was history by now and the third was probably half-way gone. I also noticed some of the guys bumping into things and stumbling. Alcohol's the social lubricant, eh? Well, not long after, my bladder beckoned and I answered. As I made my way to the restroom, I had a self-satisfied smile on my face: my little plan was working, my boss would be happy, and it might even a Christmas bonus or a promotion (even if in title only).
Well, as soon as I pushed the restroom door open, I knew something was wrong. The smell of vomit was pretty strong and I hoped that it'd only been the work of one guy. But the smell was so pungent! After standing at the urinal, waiting for the golden flow to commence, I stood in silence. It was then that I heard grunting. Listening intently for a few seconds, I hoped whoever was upchucking their beer and munchies wasn't leaving a huge mess for the cleanup crew. After pissing and still hearing the noise, I approached the stall the that moaning was coming from.
"Hey, you alright in there, man?" I asked cautiously.
I was met by silence for a moment. Then I heard a few grunts and concealed giggles. Something was up in there. It was then that I heard what sounded like crying and more moaning. What the fuck? I decided I needed to see what was going on. I didn't want this party to come crashing down around my ears. I pushed the door open hard and then gasped as I saw the most sordid, disgusting thing I'd ever seen in my life.
Standing on either side of the toilet were two if the UNIX app coders, their beards caked with vomit, their pants in puddles around ankles, with erect penises wagging in the air. Doubled over the toilet, his head nearly dunked in the swill, was one of the XML developers. His pants were also around his ankles and what appeared to be a combination of blood and semen were dripping from his torn, ragged anus. He was covered in vomit from head to toe, and he was crying hard into the toilet bowl, its echo an eerie accompaniment to the awful scene I was seeing but not believing.
They two Linux coders slowly turned and looked me straight in the eye, evil grins smeared across both of their bearded faces.
"What in Fuck's name are you doing!?" was all I could force out of my mouth. I still wasn't believing I was seeing this.
Saying nothing, both of the Linux coders rushed me. Being in such a tense state, I threw both of them off and made a break for the door. And the fucking thing wouldn't open. In the follow two seconds that seemed like an eternity, the door was pushed open my way and two more Linux coders came in. Upon seeing what was happening, they immediately grabbed me and were joined by the first two. I was trapped. Then the one guy, who was a dead-ringer for Rasputin, the mad Russian monk, gazed into my eyes and said in a feminine voice, "Looks like Mr. Party is gonna get a taste of the real action!" and cackled insanely.
Cold sweat spurted from the pores on my foreheads and cheeks as I was dragged by the four stinking, polluted hippies into the same stall their previous victim was in. Rasputin spoke again, excitement in his voice.
"Thanks for the pizza and beer, now it's time for the weeners and buns!"
Immediately the first two slogged their pants off and got down on their knees. The other two put there knees in my back and held me on top of the first victim, who now appeared to be unconscious. I heard their belts coming off and their zippers coming down, and some rustling around told me that their pants were coming down also. Then the first two started sucking off the other two, in what I could only call the most enthusiastic blowjobs I'd ever seen in my life. The moaning and slurping sounds turned my stomach and I retched. I could see why the first guy might have vomited.
Eventually Rasputin and his cohort started moaning more loudly, and one of them said "fifteen seconds." This was followed by a series of rapid-fire belching and burping that shook me up and down on the guy underneath me. After about fifteen seconds, all Hell broke loose. The two guys behind me started vomiting on the two guys fellating them and I saw cumshot shoot and mix with the vomit all over the two cocksuckers' faces. It was then that I almost lost. I finally did refund when the first two vile fluids were followed by streams of piss. I heard swallowing and dripping and I yacked all over their first victim's head.
Rasputin cried out like a little girl in ecstasy. "Oh god, I'd been waiting for that all night! This party fuckin' roxorz my coxor!"
Now it was my turn, it seemed, as all four started tearing my pants down. Chunks of vomit-piss-semen fell on my back and soaked through my t-shirt. It was reviling. I shuddered as I felt their cold, clammy hands in my ass-crack and a very indelicate reacharound on my ball-sack. At this point I had no idea who was doing what, and I was just praying that I'd wake up and realize I was drunk and dreaming a la nightmare.
Just then I heard the door boom open and my boss's voice fill the air. The stall door was open and he saw right away the turgid scene transpiring in front of him. His voice was immediately followed by two others, XML developers I knew, and they flew into the stall as best they could and began a fight to save my asshole. The poor guy underneath me had just woken up and started struggling and the extra weight of eight other bodies in the stall must have been suffocating.
"It'll be all right, buddy," I offered to him.
Within thirty seconds I was to my feet and was delivering the most heart-felt kicks to the guts of the rapist faggot Linux coders. Between me, my boss, and the two XML developers, we had the gang of four knocked out in a sloppy, excrement-filled pile of hairy body.
It's now been a month since this horrible incident and I am in regular therapy with a sexual abuse counselor. In response to the terrible outcome of this party, my boss toyed with the idea of selling the group off to another company, sans the four hippies who'd been fired and arrested. After considerable urging on my part, and very open ear from my boss, the whole group was dissolved and the Linux coders lost their jobs. Their product was delayed by a year as my boss began hiring a new development team. We'd found evidence that the whole group had been involved in the planning of the gang- bangs and that had it not been for us everyone would have had a "turn" in the stalls.
If there's one thing we learned from this tragedy is that Linux coders, users, and advocates are desperate cock-lusting homosexual faggots that can't be trusted in any situation, let alone a restroom setting. You've been warned.
On the positive side, though, the whole incident brought solidarity between the other groups in the company and I am now on schedule to get a huge Christmas package that not only includes a gigantic bonus but a month's worth of paid time off and a real promotion.
I went to check out the newsforge article and who do you think had an ad right in the middle of the article touting linux... The ad gurus at M$ strike again...
Israel == Terrorist State
Then we looked at the crime rates for Central Florida. It's not all Disneyworld--in fact it's #1 and #2 in several categories for crime per capita.
There's a lot of poverty there, and poverty means crime (I'm not sure which one causes which.) Lots of people with their meth labs in their trailers, etc. Lots of drug runners coming through.
Look at this table. Each state has "Rate per 100,000 inhabitants" and you'll see what I mean. We decided to stay in Northern California, despite the 9.5% state income tax because the crime rate is much lower. And I don't care that my state government doesn't do Linux. I just care that 90% of my neighbors aren't on welfare, making meth, or both.
Best Buy can have you arrested
...this should be modded into oblivion because it has no fucking relevance to the article at all.
Seems He got real drunk one night and fell out of his guard tower
you're quoting a focus group from 1999? do you know what year this is?
web site: http://www.ddmcd.com
Filthy rotting yellowish-black shit stained teeth with breath that smells like pig vomit. Even rich parasites like the royal family have awful teeth, Why is that????
Oh, come on, guys. Did you actually think I was serious when I said all that stuff? God, that is so funny. I was totally kidding when I said I was an alcoholic. You didn't honestly believe all that stuff I said last night about "feeling like my life was whizzing out of control," did you? It was a joke. Haven't you ever heard of "humor" before?
Yes, I realize I said, "Please help me. I need help. Don't let me drink ever again." But you didn't actually fall for that, did you? I was drunk. I say all sorts of crazy things when I've had a few too many. Remember when I said, "Guys, we should drive up to my hometown and hang out sometime"? I didn't mean that, either. Or when I said, "We should all chip in and buy Dan a guitar for his birthday"? I sure didn't want to do that when I woke up this morning. And all that stuff about, "I need to enter some sort of program to get cleaned up"? Yeah, right.
I know, I know. You think it was a cry for help. I think I remember saying something about being at the end of my rope. I might've even said I have no one else to turn to--that you are my best friends and that I can't go to my family with something like this.
Okay, the truth is, I do need you guys... to party with me. Man, we were so hammered last night. God, that was fun. What time did we start? It was right after work, right? We went to McMurphy's Pub for a few and then to that Cuban restaurant and had that rum with dinner, and then a couple in the car on the way back to McMurphy's. What did I have, like, eight or nine drinks? More? Damn.
Then, as I recall, we were over at Don's place, and it was at Don's that I said, "I can't do this anymore, I just can't. I've got to stop, I'm ruining my life." And you guys actually took me seriously? Talk about gullible. The whole time, I was thinking, "Oooh, I'm getting these guys so good!"
You know what a prankster I can be. You know how I sometimes fall off my chair, just to be funny, as if I'm drunk enough to fall out of my chair. And, Matt, remember that time I hit on your wife at your wedding reception? I told her that any time she gets sick of being a married woman, she could come on over to my place for a little fun on the side and no one would have to know. I knew she'd go straight to you, furious. It was all a big joke for your benefit.
Are you still trying to talk to me about this? Can we please change the subject already? Huh? What's that? A piece of paper with my signature that says, "I will not drink for the next month"? Yeah, like I need a signed piece of paper to stop drinking. What I need is a signed piece of paper to stop joking around all the time.
I said I get the shakes if I don't have a drink in the morning? I really said that? And, let me guess, you fell for that one, too, hook, line, and sinker. Of course you did.
Hey, did I tell you I got a call from that AA person this morning? That was so hilarious last night, how we got on the phone and called the national hotline, and they gave us the name of someone from the local group, and we called him up at four in the morning. Man, I love phony phone calls.
True, I did cry. And, yes, I did go into the bathroom to talk to him, and I was in there for more than an hour, and I was sobbing. But I was crying because this guy was so unbelievably pitiful, falling for the old "I need help" routine.
What? I said I'd go to the AA meeting Tuesday? Yes, Sam, I probably did ask you to please drive me there out of fear that I wouldn't have the courage to go by myself. But what you obviously didn't see is that I was totally yanking your chain.
I don't get it. You're still not laughing. Dude, lighten up.
You know what? I think maybe I need to find some friends who understand my sense of humor. It's been great knowing you guys all these years, but I'm beginning to see that you're just a little too uptight for my taste.
The penguin logo is your "Happy Face" and is one of the few marketing things done right so far with Linux. It gives the public a symbol and a protagonist. It personifies the OS (OK, it "Penguisonifies" the OS if you want to get technical).
The Michelin Man, Ronald McDonald, The Shell Answer Man and others all serve the same purpose for their brands. Heck, for a while Charlie Chaplin served that role for IBM.
The key is not to eliminate the logo, but to exploit it appropriately.
Your other points are well taken, though.
the major advances in civilization are processes which all but wreck the societies in which they occur - A.N. White
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Best. Troll. Ever.
Doing damage to Linux's image is some "laconic, dour nothern European. Not known for his sense of humor..."
I'm not sure who this is, but thank heaven we've got Linus to make up for him! That man's sense of humour is one of his most outstanding traits.
-Gareth
Great troll! I bow to your craftsmanship. Predictably and pathetically, many people are angrily responding to you. You're really too good to waste your talents with the likes of slashdot users.
"...he associates it with the smiling face of Ronald McDonald the clown,and quality food served quickly."
Are you on glue? smiling clown yes. served quickly yes. cheap, even. But quality? you have to be kidding. Is this the sort of self-delusion taught in marketing school?
I read this two weeks ago on a classic troll website. The website is made up of nothing but trolls and this one was listed.
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Well crafted Trolls I actually do not mind as long as they are humorous and well-written.
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ACK
Surely you mean "last millenium"?