F'd Companies

Alex Moskalyuk writes "Philip J. Kaplan's F'd Companies is a compilation of famous and not so well-publicized dot-com flameouts. Most of the companies that are described in the book do not exist today, for some others the domain names are being used for similar businesses, but the original management and business plans are gone. Even though F'd Companies presents several chapters in the table of contents, it's better viewed just as compilation of dot-com mishaps, with about one or two pages dedicated to each company." Read on for more Schadenfreude. F'd Companies author Philip J. Kaplan pages 224 publisher Simon & Schuster rating 8/10 reviewer Alex Moskalyuk ISBN 0743228626 summary Spectacular dot-com flameouts

Everyone who's visited the author's Web site at least once has probably noticed Kaplan's style of writing -- raunchy humor abundantly supplemented with free use of four-letter words, which is then mingled with frequent references to the author's male organ and Internet pr0n industry. Not that the book loses its charm because of it -- F'd Companies would probably make a poor choice for a kid's present, but after getting used to Kaplan's style of writing the obscenities and euphemisms add hilarity to otherwise dry management text. Here's Kaplan's contemplation on the value of domain name Wapit.com (now defunct):

The company had a cool name though. I love to wapit in the morning when I first wake up with my stiffy, wapit in the stall of the men's bathroom at lunchtime, and wapit before I go to sleep.

The book is full of references to defunct companies, and reader can easily skip the chapters if some companies sound more interesting than others. The chapter names are well-chosen and represent the author's style well. "$100 SHOPPING SPREE IF YOU READ THIS CHAPTER" talks about the numerous get-paid-for-browsing-the-Internet companies, the industry that was pioneered by AllAdvantage.com and supported later by numerous copycats. "Portals to nowhere" talks about such huge money-burners as Go.com and QuePasa.com. The chapter for 'miscellaneous' companies that did not fit any other chapter is titled "I've no fucking clue."

If you look for objective analysis, or used to work for some of the companies mentioned in the book, do not buy it if you consider yourself a sensitive person. Kaplan disparaging remarks are what makes this book a worthy read. Here are some of the selected quotes regarding bankrupt dot-coms.

IHarvest.com: "I don't think I've ever seen a more useless company than iHarvest.com. Actually, I am sure of it. Such a waste."

CalendarCentral.com: "Why would an application service provider like CalendarCentral.com, a site that provides shared, online calendars for group scheduling, go out of business? Microsoft Outlook/Exchange you say? [description of business model that never worked follows] Another one assimilated by the Borg... and Microsoft probably didn't even notice."

OnlineChoice.com: "And this one cost investors around $20 million and employed seventy people. Seventy people. This business, this WEBSITE, could have been run by a SCRIPT. Zero employees. Okay, MAYBE a couple of people to broker deals with suppliers."

SwapIt.com: "So let me get this straight: 1) I send them a CD. 2) They give me useless "SwapIt Bucks." 3) They go out of business. 4) I get nothing. Great, sign me up! [...] I believe this is the only dotcom that actually had people SENDING them product and they STILL couldn't stay in business."

Being a Web developer, Kaplan just goes into fits when talking about the high-cost Web site development. He admits that some sites might be more demanding than others, but any 6- or 7- digit number and above, in his opinion, is just plain ridiculous. Talking about Rx.com, Kaplan is blunt: "This company had $350 million to build a fucking website and market it a little. I mean, if they spent $1 million a year, they could have been around for hundred of years without a single sale." In a two-page rant about high-cost developer MarchFirst.com, Kaplan admits: "Anyway, building websites is relatively easy. That's not to say that everyone can do it, nor that anyone would be interested in learning how. [...] Generally, it's not brain surgery (which I'm assuming is kinda tricky). [...] I'm an idiot and even I was able to build a successful small business building websites. Thing is, we didn't charge millions to build a five-minute CGI email form. That's why we're still around." (Kaplan's agency is PK Interactive.)

By now you should get a feel of the book. It's easy to read, and is sometimes just hilarious, as Philip Kaplan has good-quality sarcasm almost in every sentence. The book would be of interest to tech types, especially those who had been involved in dot-com craze. For serious business types it provides valuable lessons on how not to run a new business. Kaplan's book is a valuable addition to the history of the Internet economy.

You can purchase F'd Companies from bn.com. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.

Comments

first on-topic post

[Yellow Brick Choad]

this book is not worth $16

Since when can you have 3 hyphens in a row ??

[Anonymous Coward]

All the registars I've tried always say a hyphen must have a alphanumeric on both sides of it, this elimination domains which start or end with a hyphen, or have 2 or more in a row.

The next big industry?

[Badgerman]

Perhaps the next big industry is examining the .com bubble and the ocean of stupidity it rose in and teaching people not to do it again.

I'm not sure if I'm being sarcastic here or not. More's the pity.

I will buy the book, if only for a laugh.

News of the Weird (Companies)

[lawyamike]

Yah, I can read the "News of the Weird" in the local alternative newspaper every couple of months or so, but the stories about stupid criminals, odd names, and the curious practices extant in certain foreign nations become tedious in the cumulative. So, ANOTHER person with the middle name "Ray" or "Wayne" is a murderer. That's funny-strange; it's not funny-haha.

How long could one read about f'd companies? Are there really that many interesting archetypes? Don't the stories all blend together over time? Is it that successful companies are all the same, but unsuccessful companies are each f'd in their own individual ways?

I've never worked in the Valley, and I am not a web designer, but it seems that the stories of failure would become pretty monotonous after a while. Three hundred-odd pages? Is there enough sarcasm or cuss-words to make the book interesting for that long?

Heck, I'll buy the thing because I like the web site, but I get the feeling I'd save a couple of sawbucks if I just looked through the archives online.

Re:Congrats!

[kisrael]

Wow, way to spell Schadenfreude right!

I think the guy takes that Schadenfreude thing way to far. Yes, a certain large percentage of dot coms were based on lousy ideas and served to fall by the wayside. But his website seems to take delight in reporting every business failure and layoff...even with good, old economy companies doing useful things and with decent ideas about keeping income greater than expenses.

I don't think of myself as a delicate flower, or particuarly easily offended, but this guy is really annoying. Maybe I'm bitter, living through two layoffs in two years, but still, the amusement he expresses in these events that really screw with people's lives doesn't make a good regular reading diet.

Crap failures...

[MosesJones]

What a dull book, these aren't interesting failures.

Now WorldCom, Enron, Tyco etc etc.... those are interesting failures.

We all used to think that .COMs were the best failures ever. But it just goes to show, not only are traditional business the best at succeeding.... they are also the best at failure.

Can't .coms be the best at anything ?

Re:Crap failures...

[Didion Sprague]

Are you for real? WorldCom is an interesting failure? WorldCom and Enron are like every other failure. You have a bunch of dumn executives attempting to swindle the so-called "little" people. I'm not sure what's so interesting about that.

What's interesting to me, at least, is a spectacular flameout like WebVan -- the company that was drilled hard into the ground by a dumb CEO who managed to get himself a multi-million dollar pension for twenty years. Company goes out of business, but the CEO -- a dumb old guy -- is making millions. Now, maybe some folks consider him a "smart" guy if he's making millions, but whatever.

Still the dot-com stuff is fascinating -- how so many people can fuck up so much shit. It boggles the mind. I mean, it's like all the gold mines out west that went out of business. The gold was there -- or tiny bits of it, at least -- but they didn't have the money or the time or the smarts to be able to capitalize on it.

WorldCom and Enron? Give me a break. That's old school, old-white-guy swindling. It's the same corporate greed that's gone on for years. What, Mrs. Kenneth Lay goes on television and talks to a TV interviewer and says they have "nothing" and that they're broke? Please. I got nothing, I'm broke, but I live like I have nothing and am broke. I don't wear Versace suits or have a wife with Ferragamo pumps. I don't have six houses scattered throughout the country and can't interest any interviewer from ABC to come and sit with me in my living room to talk about how broke I am.

And why? Because my story about being broke is like every story about being broke. It's a tough world out there. Sob sob sob.

It's like Alec Baldwin in 'Glengarry Glen Ross' come from Mitch and Murray downtown to get the sales force motivated. First place, a nice new Cadillac. Second place? Steak knives. Third place? You're fired.

What does it take?

It takes these -- and Alec lets a pair of brass balls hang low -- click, click, baby. Brass fucking balls. Not Versace silk, homes in Aspen, or Swiss watches that cost more than you make in a year.

So give me a break about Enron and WoldCom being interesting. That's old school, with a bunch of dumb old guys in charge. More homes in Veil and Aspen. Big fucking deal. Kenneth Lay looks like Billy Bob Thornton with a haircut and is as slow and dimwitted as they come. Him and his Andrew "Fast Eddie" Fastow, the sleek looking accountant who probably tells all his secretaries that people often mistake him for Richard Gere.

Turn on something like Startup.com -- the film about Kozmo.com and the annoying guy that ran it -- and that's interesting. It's fascinating to see how people took hold of the cultural hot buttons and then attempted to cultify it in order to make money and gain leverage.

That's what the dot-com "boom" was -- one big cult, brainwashes free-of-charge, with a bunch of gullible young people grasping for straws in a world that was paying no attention to Bin Laden, loose nukes, and the silent, gathering anti-Americanism roiling up like a tsunami across the globe.

Enron and WorldCom are just a bunch of old-school, bad-luck, corporate nightmares with the same old-school, bad-luck lessons to be learned. What's interesting in that? That people gave a fuck?

Please.

Re:Not such a good book.

[ivan256]

Wow, so was Salon.com featured in the book? That guy sounded pissed off! It's too bad that he spent most of the review telling us all how he hates Phillip Kaplan, and only got around to making one actual criticism of the writing. He claims he's in the target audience, but I doubt that the target audience consists of the idiots the book is about. I would think it's more aimed at all the people who thought they had missed out on the whole dot-com thing, and are now getting to point and laugh at all their buddies who bragged about being so wealthy for a few years.

Somebody explain to me why salon is still around.

Re:Not such a good book.

[Anonymous Coward]

Somebody explain to me why salon is still around.

Yeah, ya really gotta hate websites that actually create content.

Network effects

[FallLine]

Slashdot? Slashdot's design is fine, judging by the ridiculously high user IDs we see, not to mention the sheer capacity of its users to bring any site in existance to its knees.

If Slashdot's design was so horrible, people wouldn't use it. Maybe in the early days when there was no equivalent, people were stuck here.. The fact remains, however, that no one worries about the 'kuro5hin effect'.

As for business sense.. CmdrTaco, Hemos and everyone else's hobby is being effectively sponsored by a largely visible name in the open source world. Sure, the Slashdot crew isn't in it for profit - but ending up with the deal they have isn't too shabby. Would that actual business people had the sense they did. ;)

I disagree. Just because slashdot (and many other entities) are large and relatively popular does not mean that they are particularly good or even just not mediocre. People may be technically free to move on the other alternatives, but with a product or service like this there is something known as a network effect. When many other people use the product or service (or ~90% in this particular niche) that is its primary value. Even though competing alternatives may be superior in every way, in and of themselves, the fact is that it can be very hard to coordinate a sufficiently large movement of people to a single standard/product/service/etc. For instance, do I really want to post to kuro5hin when no one else, or at least no one more in the main stream, will read me? Do I really want to read kuro5hin when there are few people posting? Do I really feel compelled to reply on kuro5hin to an article or comment that I disagree with (for the sake of other readers? Note: I'm not saying kuru5hin is the be all and end all, from what little i've seen of it it is too complex and silly for mass popularity.

In slashdot's particular case, I happen to think that the design of their backend is rather inefficient (it was a hack and it seems to still be), their frontend could use a lot of work, their moderation system could be improved upon without much added complexity, their editing is just plain horrendous, their bias spills over unnecessarily in many cases, and what little original content that they do produce is unimpressive at best. In short, they're mismanaged and they're missing out on a lot of opportunity. Slashdot, as it stands today and has always been, is nothing more than some hacked together scripts, some hardware, sloppy editing/administration, and a lot of popularity amongst young techies. It could be much better if they were a little smarter and worked a lot harder.

Re:I can tell YOU don't run a business...

[Hobophile]

Actually, for what it's worth, I have run a successful computer consulting business.

Basically all I'm saying is if a customer comes to you and says, "I need a website. This is what I want. I have a million dollars budgeted for this."

You have a number of options. You can:

1) Take all $1 million. The customer has it budgeted, they're willing to pay it, and if you get a million dollars from them for a 5 minute job it hardly matters if you keep them as a client.

2) Take only $100,000, or only $50,000. Sure, the job's not worth a million, but is it really worth $100,000 or $50,000 either? The difference here is one of scale. Either way you're charging more than the work is technically worth to you, so if you really feel bad about it, there's always...

3) Take only what it costs you, or even less. After all, if you do it at cost, or for free, they'll love you, and you'll have them as a client forever. In fact, they'll probably haunt you till the day you finally close up shop because you're burned out from handling all the jobs they throw your way and you're not making any money for your efforts.

The reality of the marketplace is that demand and willingness to pay for a product at a certain price dictate the product's price.

You can get all high and mighty about how you're honest and you still have a job, but maybe if you took a few of those million dollar throwaway jobs every now and again you'd have the luxury of posting to slashdot in the middle of the afternoon without your boss looking over your shoulder, instead of consoling yourself with how you're still in the web design business.

Here is one that will stay around for a while

[alen]

http://www.dirtcheapdiamonds.com

I just picked mine up from the appraiser's office. I saved a ton of money compared to going retail and got me a great diamond. As far as I can tell it's the owner and 2 employees in a tiny office suite in Maryland. The diamonds are at wholesalers in NYC. These guys just charge an 8% mark up for running a website doing pretty well from what I have heard in the last week.

This is what the internet is really about. Finding ways to sell goods more efficiently. Why pay the retail mark up which includes rent, insurance, security and salaries?

When will it end?

[Anonymous Coward]

F'd company should serve as a very real warning to those out there that still work in companies held over from the "Internet Bubble" era. Apparently funding doesnt mean that your company does anything worth while. Just because your company has 50$ million dollars in funding doesnt mean they're worth 50mil.... it just means they're 50$ mil in debt! How can these companies expect to stay around in this economy if they owe their investors that much money with little to no revenue?? Not to mention pissed off workers.

Just look at the latest batch from today alone! Securify, Marrakech, Crescent Networks .... truly f'd!

"Breach"
Rumor has it, $50 million later, Securify just layed off around 20% of its workforce. Word is remaining employees get a 10% paycut.
When: 1/21/2003
Company: Securify.com
Severity: 80
Points: 180

Marred
$55 million later, Marrakech axed 30 -- 70 remain.
When: 1/21/2003
Company: Marrakech
Severity: 65
Points: 165

Croissanwich
"We regret to announce that Crescent Networks has ceased operations," says their site, $50 million later.
When: 1/20/2003
Company: Crescent Networks
Severity: 100 - new hall of fame inductee!
Points: 200