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F'd Companies
Everyone who's visited the author's Web site at least once has probably noticed Kaplan's style of writing -- raunchy humor abundantly supplemented with free use of four-letter words, which is then mingled with frequent references to the author's male organ and Internet pr0n industry. Not that the book loses its charm because of it -- F'd Companies would probably make a poor choice for a kid's present, but after getting used to Kaplan's style of writing the obscenities and euphemisms add hilarity to otherwise dry management text. Here's Kaplan's contemplation on the value of domain name Wapit.com (now defunct):
The company had a cool name though. I love to wapit in the morning when I first wake up with my stiffy, wapit in the stall of the men's bathroom at lunchtime, and wapit before I go to sleep.
The book is full of references to defunct companies, and reader can easily skip the chapters if some companies sound more interesting than others. The chapter names are well-chosen and represent the author's style well. "$100 SHOPPING SPREE IF YOU READ THIS CHAPTER" talks about the numerous get-paid-for-browsing-the-Internet companies, the industry that was pioneered by AllAdvantage.com and supported later by numerous copycats. "Portals to nowhere" talks about such huge money-burners as Go.com and QuePasa.com. The chapter for 'miscellaneous' companies that did not fit any other chapter is titled "I've no fucking clue."
If you look for objective analysis, or used to work for some of the companies mentioned in the book, do not buy it if you consider yourself a sensitive person. Kaplan disparaging remarks are what makes this book a worthy read. Here are some of the selected quotes regarding bankrupt dot-coms.
IHarvest.com: "I don't think I've ever seen a more useless company than iHarvest.com. Actually, I am sure of it. Such a waste."
CalendarCentral.com: "Why would an application service provider like CalendarCentral.com, a site that provides shared, online calendars for group scheduling, go out of business? Microsoft Outlook/Exchange you say? [description of business model that never worked follows] Another one assimilated by the Borg... and Microsoft probably didn't even notice."
OnlineChoice.com: "And this one cost investors around $20 million and employed seventy people. Seventy people. This business, this WEBSITE, could have been run by a SCRIPT. Zero employees. Okay, MAYBE a couple of people to broker deals with suppliers."
SwapIt.com: "So let me get this straight: 1) I send them a CD. 2) They give me useless "SwapIt Bucks." 3) They go out of business. 4) I get nothing. Great, sign me up! [...] I believe this is the only dotcom that actually had people SENDING them product and they STILL couldn't stay in business."
Being a Web developer, Kaplan just goes into fits when talking about the high-cost Web site development. He admits that some sites might be more demanding than others, but any 6- or 7- digit number and above, in his opinion, is just plain ridiculous. Talking about Rx.com, Kaplan is blunt: "This company had $350 million to build a fucking website and market it a little. I mean, if they spent $1 million a year, they could have been around for hundred of years without a single sale." In a two-page rant about high-cost developer MarchFirst.com, Kaplan admits: "Anyway, building websites is relatively easy. That's not to say that everyone can do it, nor that anyone would be interested in learning how. [...] Generally, it's not brain surgery (which I'm assuming is kinda tricky). [...] I'm an idiot and even I was able to build a successful small business building websites. Thing is, we didn't charge millions to build a five-minute CGI email form. That's why we're still around." (Kaplan's agency is PK Interactive.)
By now you should get a feel of the book. It's easy to read, and is sometimes just hilarious, as Philip Kaplan has good-quality sarcasm almost in every sentence. The book would be of interest to tech types, especially those who had been involved in dot-com craze. For serious business types it provides valuable lessons on how not to run a new business. Kaplan's book is a valuable addition to the history of the Internet economy.
You can purchase F'd Companies from bn.com. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.
What chapter does VA Software appear in?
Trolling is a art,
I mean there's only so far you can pad out the "do X; ???; Profit" troll.
What's in Chapter 11?
Solomon
"Twice half-assed makes an ass whole." --Solomon K. Chang
Did they think putting-in slashdotted companies?
...picking on companies who aren't around to sue his sorry ass. I think I might buy this.
Modest doubt is called the beacon of the wise. - William Shakespeare
What you need my friend are two things. A 42" Plasma Display and an Aeron chair. Then and only then will you be taken seriously.
> Here's Kaplan's contemplation on the value of domain name Wapit.com (now defunct)...
Some of these names are ludicrous arn't they? I remember reading lists of these names copyrighted (or whatever) by "branding" specialists just waiting for some fine 200 year old company to come along for a corporate comb-over.
I specifically remember seeing the name "JamCracker" and thinking, good grief, the picture that paints in my head is just not to be shared!
However, somone ponied up: Jamcracker, Inc. - Managed IT Solutions
I'm sure they're lovely people but suddenly I'm not hungry...
"This company had $350 million to build a fucking website and market it a little. I mean, if they spent $1 million a year, they could have been around for hundred of years without a single sale."
I'm surprised that manage to make them as long as two pages with bogosity like that. I mean, I'd have made them a decent site for $100 million . . .
"If being a geek means being passionate about something, then I pity those who aren't geeks." - Pike65
Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway. Where everything is made up, and the points are so worthless they might as well end in "dot com".
Just about fell off the couch when he said that.
There are 01 kinds of cars in the world. The General Lee, and everything else.
Pud gets his book mentioned on Slashdot with an Amazon referral link! That oughta bring in enough money to keep the FC trolls happy for another month!
When: 1/21/2003
Company: PK Interactive
Severity: 20
Points: 120
(25 comments in the Happy Fun Slashdot Corner!)
F'd Servers
PK Interactive files Chapter 7. Last month, Pud got his book promoted on Slashdot's front page on the advice of his salesweasel who told told him bandwith was gonna be too cheap to meter. His salesnozzle didn't tell him when bandwidth would be too cheap to meter. Evidently, not yet. The bill arrived today.
When: 2/21/2003
Company: PK Interactive
Severity: 100 - new hall of fame inductee!
Points: 220
(69 comments in the Happy Fun Slashdot Corner!)
FuckedCompany.com would smell like peas.
:)
Pud was describing a startup that marketed web based smells. (IE a peripheral device that heated small containers of oil) Real useful. Useful as a CueCat.
A browser would see special smell tags and the appropriate oil(s) smells would be released.
When the user hit say Amazon.com, they could smell musty books. Slashdot users could smell unwashed bodies and trolls.
It's funny that we're able to discuss this point on a site that is essentially comprised of a couple of people and a script.
Stupidity Surcharge: $10,000,000
Total: $10,000,001
Well, at least the company can write off most of that as an "education" expense... :)
I had a great idea for a company that provided online free-lunches, but just before it took off, it was slashdotted!
<digression> One day I was talking to a friend in some kind of junky internet company (you may know them, they have a sports stadium named after them). "What's your burn rate" he asked. "What's a burn rate?" I naively replied. He explained. I had to explain to the poor looser that we'd made a profit for every month since we'd started business. Tee Hee. </digression>
Watch this Heartland Institute video
You can't put fuck in a book title? That licks monkey choad. When is society going to grow up and stop being a bunch uptight cunts?
autopr0n is like, down and stuff.