Slashdot Mirror
Dave Barry Answers Alert Slashdot Readers' Questions
1) It's me, Dave
by digitalhermit
Dave:
You should remember me. I'm the guy that shook hands with you that day, two years ago, during the Tropic Hunt in Hollywood. You also signed the napkin I found near the garbage can. I know that it was a clue, but I don't understand why you didn't mention it when you read off the official answers to the Hunt. Clearly the contents were a reference to your many columns on boogers. I still have that napkin and will return it to as soon as you send me your home address.
Anyway, my question is:
How has your life changed since you won a Pullet Surprise? Is the fame and money and gorgeous babes throwing themselves at your feet worth it?
Kwan
PS How much do I need to pay you to get my name in one of your next columns?
Dave:
The best thing about winning the Pulitzer is, about once every ten years you can say (or write) to some jerk who is attacking you in a nasty manner: "Oh yeah? Well I won the Pulitzer." Actually, come to think of it, you can say this even if you DIDN'T win the Pulitzer. Nobody ever checks.
But there are no babes, with the Pulitzer. And the money is (at least when I won) $3,000, which is about what you spend on beer for your friends when you win the Pulitzer.
2) Humour in times of crises
by Anonymous Coward
Hey Dave,
I'm curious about what you think about humour (Canadian spelling) in times of crises. Just before 9/11, I read Bob Hope's autobiography dealing with Pearl Harbour and how important everyone thought it was to keep people laughing because a) it was important for morale and b) it was important to show the Japanese that they hadn't destroyed what it meant to be American.
This doesn't seem to be the case at all after 9/11 (and most recently the loss of Columbia), with the most glaring example being the removal of the Spider-Man trailer (catching a helicopter in a web strung between the two World Trade towers).
What are your thoughts on this and of humour in times of crises in general?
Dave:
I think we in the humor business were fairly self-conscious right after 9-11, but pretty quickly we got back to what we do, which is try to amuse people. I think we do this more to make people like us than to meet any deep national psychic need. Also most of us have no useful skills to fall back on.
So to the extent that humor changes in times of crisis -- and I don't think it does much -- it's more because that's what we think the audience wants. And pretty soon the audience goes back to whatever it thought was funny before.
3) Corruption in Miami City Government
by Nova Express
Dear Dave,
Once you characterized Miami's endemic corruption (and here I would like to note that Endemic Corruption is a good name for a rock band) was so pervasive that Miami would benefit by being taken over by the Mafia, since then at least COMPETENT criminals would be running the city. In light of that, I'd like to ask you: What's the strangest thing you've ever lit on fire?
Whoops, sorry, that was the FBI Carnivore guys monitoring my computer who slipped that last one in. (Motto: "You're Not Authorized to Know Our Motto.") No, the real question is, has Miami's corruption gotten better or worse since you wrote that, and what would you and Carl Hiaasen do if Miami eliminated its Supersized Corruption and merely went with the Small Corruption with Fries enjoyed by other large American cities?
Dave:
I think it's as bad as it ever was, but maybe a little smarter. And if Miami ever straightened itself out, Carl would become a bonefishing guide, and I would become... I dunno. Maybe a bonefish.
4) Joke Tracking Center
by long_john_stewart_mi
In "Dave Barry's Greatest Hits", there was a column entitled "Public-Spirited Citizens Such As You" where you talk about a joke that answers the question, "Why is Walter Mondale nicknamed 'Fritz'?" You ask that everybody write in to The Joke Tracking Center as soon as they hear the joke. I haven't heard the joke, and that question has been keeping me up all night for the past 10 years. Why is Walter Mondale nicknamed Fritz? Also, does The Joke Tracking Center employ bad joke/pun writers? My dad is currently unemployed, and I'm sure he would fit right in.
Dave:
The original joke -- revealed here for the first time -- is that Walter Mondale is called "Fritz" because there is no Norwegian name for "Peckerhead." That may not sound funny now, but, trust me, it was also not funny when I first thought it up. It's HARD to think up jokes. This is probably why the Joke Tracking Center didn't work out. It was supposed to be based on the hurricane-tracking center. The idea was, we would insert a new joke into the nation (I believe we inserted it in Ohio) and then track it as it spread. But the Mondale joke was SO bad that nobody bothered to repeat it, and it died. So did the Joke Tracking Center, which has no organization and no employees. But it still gets junk mail. Which leads us to the obvious question...
5) Obvious Question
by Alien54
What would be your ideal solution for Spam (as in Internet Junk E-mail?)
I've had a good response to the idea of an internet spammer hunting license or season, complete with cute orange ear tags for the spammers.
Dave:
Maybe the solution is for us to stop being so negative. Maybe we should actually buy all the spammers' products -- their low-interest mortgages, and their penis enlargers -- so they will become rich and happy and mellow, and they will decide voluntarily to stop hassling us.
Just kidding! I favor castration.
6) Who are we?
by chrysrobyn
Mr. Barry,
As a nationally syndicated author, you're in quite a high profile position. I have no doubt that, had this interview not come up, you'd be busy doing things you get paid to do.
That said, why did you agree to do this interview? Did you think it would be a neat thing to do? Is this another way for people to learn about your column, or are you learning more about what's on the minds of your readers? Are we going to get our own article written about us (no doubt that would be a funny and possibly humbling experience)? As someone from "the outside world", do you see us as a bunch of people with wide backgrounds and experiences, or are we the teenage boy group that TV tells us owns and authors the internet?
Dave:
I agreed to do this interview because I really and truly want to interact with you, my readers. Also, Slashdot is paying me $127,000.
6a) (addon/followup) by Mr Guy
Also, if you respond to this interview while drunk, is there the dangerous possibility your drinks would be tax deductible?
Dave:
That is a risk I am willing to take.
7) Personal Technology Wishes
by Nonsanity
Looking forward based on today's cutting-edge research (the sort of news Slashdot often reports), what technology do you find yourself impatient to get your hands on today, or which technologies aren't advancing as fast as you would wish?
Dave:
I'm always looking for a newer, smaller, lighter laptop computer. I want a laptop so small and light that sometimes I accidentally suck it up one of my nostrils. I also would like to have a cell phone that enabled me to jam the cell phones of people around me.
8) Hiroshima
by Bonker
Mr. Barry... I own several of your books, as well as a copy of the 'Big Trouble' movie. (I hope you're getting some kind of royalties for that...). In all of your writing, the piece that I felt was the most powerful was your segment on visting Hiroshima in 'Dave Barry does Japan' and witnessing the holiday celbrated in rememberance of the bombing. You've written a few more very serious pieces, such as the column on your visit to one of the 9-11 crash sites.
My question is why do you not do more serious columns and articles like these more often? While I think that your columns and humor articles are great (milk-through the nose funny, frequently) I can't help but feel that the Hiroshima and 9-11 articles were better.
Dave:
First, thank you. Second, my bread and butter (and of course beer) comes from writing humor; this is how I make my living, and this is what the newspapers who publish my weekly column expect from me. I sometimes like the challenge of writing serious pieces, but usually this is when I'm faced with a really serious topic -- such as 9-11 or Hiroshima -- that forces me to be somber. Usually I don't WANT to be somber.
9) When you vote....
by Anonymous Coward
When you vote, do you vote for the candidate that is going to make your job easier as a humor columnist? Or do you actually try to vote for the best canditate?
Dave:
I look at all the attributes of each candidate -- philosophy, integrity, experience -- and then I vote for myself.
10) How much fame?
by cpeikert
Dave,
are you often recognized "on the street"? What I mean is, you're obviously very famous and have tons of fans. But at the same time, I get the sense that you have more of a "cult" following and maybe aren't as well-recognized as, say, Ben Affleck or Chris Rock. Do you have to change your daily routine to avoid being swarmed by adoring fans, or do or do you enjoy relative anonymity in your daily life?
PS - you recently wrote that Michigan ranked among the stupidest states because we have an "official state soil." I heartily agree, but boy did your column provoke some angry letters in the Kalamazoo Gazette!
Dave:
I get recognized a fair amount in Miami, but it's a low-key thing; people sometimes say hello, or compliment me on a column, or fire a revolver my way, but usually they deliberately aim for an extremity. Outside of Miami, I get recognized occasionally, but it's not a regular thing, except of course in Kalamazoo, where I am a god.
Free bonus question: Is it painfull
by geekoid
Dave,
Is it painfull to read all these attempts at asking a 'funny' question?
Dave:
These questions were supposed to be funny?
---
You paid him $127,001 because the firewall settings wouldn't let you get the money off localhost.
Ok, not really. Maybe the first with the good karma modifier though :)
:)
I read Dave Barry's book on the internet/computers a long time ago. It was funny as hell. I think the funniest part was the discussion of Jerry Pournelli's article in byte magazine, painting him as the archetypal PC user, illustrating why we didn't use Macs. I mean, if a computer always works, it just isn't fun
That would certanly explain why so many people use Linux on the desktop these days *ducks*
autopr0n is like, down and stuff.
You paid him $127,001 because the firewall settings would only let you get the money off localhost.
Hey, it could have been worse: they could have paid him in VA Software stock.
"Are you being weird, or sarcastic?" said Emma. I said I didn't know because I get the two feelings mixed up.
Dave Barry is a national treasure!
I think he should be recognized as such, and as such, he should be surrounded at all times by jersey walls, and many security personnel.
He should be protected, for his own good and the country's good. Even if it means keeping him under house arrrest. Even if it means keeping him in one of those subterranean fortresses surrounded by vast amounts of concrete. He can write his humorous columns in troll-like solitude in the murky darkness, protected and safe.
Only then can we be assured of his the continuance of his fractured take on society that is so desperately needed in these harsh modern times. Then and opnly then. My only question is...
Who's with me?
(Dave if you're reading this, I have a big red van, so if you see me and several of my milita freinds dressed as ninjas and sneaking into your house at night to save you, don't worry.)
www.avacal.com -- the home page of pete shaw
I think "The Robin Williams of Print" would be a great name for a band.
I'd double-check to make sure they didn't pay you in stock.
You have to wonder when you see some of the comments on the DB answers why someone like him would bother. While it's possible there will be a few new readers, it's more likely the same people who already like/hate him who are reading this.
A number of years ago I was acting as a moderator at an online service that had hopes of becoming the next AOL. I scored what I thought (at the time) was a major coup in getting Robert X. Cringely (not sure if it was the PBS one or his predecesor) to come to a chat. I promoted the heck out of it, and even made sure to have extra resources set aside for the crowd.
Twenty people "showed up", ten of whom were obviously there to heckle, and eight of whom had a particular column they wanted to discuss/critique/praise him for.
I remember apologizing profusely at the end of the hour, and him being rather generous and saying it was ok because he liked people, and at least he didn't get any pie on him.
You would at least expect some witty rejoinder to the first questioner's detailed mention of how he met Dave.
The first questioner's detailed mention of how he met dave wasn't really funny.
It's sad that most of the questions that people asked him were attempts at "I set 'em up, you knock 'em down". If you want humor, read his column. If you want to know what he thinks, ask serious questions; if you want lame answers, ask lame questions. I thought most of the questions were lame.
To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
Are we supposed to feel sorry for the humorless? Do you also mean to imply that there is a Norweigen phrase for 'Peckerhead'?
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. - Mark Twain
I laughed several times reading Dave's answers. What more can I ask for? He's taking time out of his well-payed day answering questions from random strangers on a website he's probably never seen before. Even so, most of the answers were at least a paragraph if not two long.
You expected an essay? A Sunday column? When someone asks him a stupid, one-sentence question, he responded with an equally stupid one-sentence answer. Cut the guy a break.
/syle
As I said with the Shatner interview, the responses are held to the quality fo the questions. Not to malign the questions, some were good, some were funny. But Dave make his living making one person's serious into another person's stupidity.
Was he offered questions on the socio-political implications of war with Iraq? Was he offered questions on the education system, pressing moral concerns, or religious preferences. No.
And so, his answers were in kind with the questions.
That what was all this school was for... to teach us how to solve our own problems. -- janeowit
Yeah I agree. He didn't have good questions to answer in the first place. Garbage in, Garbage out. (or "Shit I/O" as I say).
Let this be a lesson to the crack head mods to really think about modding when the next interview comes up. Ahh, who am i kidding. The mods don't give a flying monkey fucking a football.
If you had nuts on your chin, would they be chin nuts?
Dear Dave:
Would you mind repeating that backhanded comment on spammers in your weekly column that I get in the back of Washington Post Magazine? The: "yeah, lets buy your penis enlargers and getaway vacations," followed by: "CASTRATION!!!"
I would photocopy it, hilite the relevant phrases, then mail it to as many spamhaus-related mailing addresses I can dig up.
PSYCHOLOGICAL VICTORY!!!
Thanks, pr0ntab
Fuck Beta. Fuck Dice
We didn't pay him $127,000 to do this
I thought the rate was $127,001. Or is that just for in-house articles?
Is it just me, or is there something odd about people imitating Barry's humor when addressing him? It's like meeting Kissinger and switching to a deep heavily-accented voice, or meeting Marlee Matlin and gesticulating wildly in made-up ESL.
I assume he finds his own humor funny, because it reflects his sense of humor, but he may think Chris Rock is even funnier...
I've read a fair amount of Dave Barry's columns, and he can be very funny, but sometimes he has an off day and he sounds just like the Barry-esque questions that he was asked...forced, dorky, and painfully self-referential.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil
I sometimes like the challenge of writing serious pieces, but usually this is when I'm faced with a really serious topic -- such as 9-11 or Hiroshima -- that forces me to be somber. Usually I don't WANT to be somber.
I'm sure he meant to say "sober".
He was in Springfield, OH giving a "lecture" and there was a middle-aged woman acting as an interpreter for the deaf sitting off to the side of the stage doing sign language in real-time.
Dave described how Miami drivers like to give each other the one-finger salute, then immediately turned his head toward the interpreter. The audience followed his gaze and looked over to stage-right as she was finishing his last sentence.She was flipping us off!
You were 80% angel, 10% demon. The rest was hard to explain. - Over The Rhine
"Math in a song is good."-Linford
> He's like the Robin Williams of print.
:)
Only less hairy.
- Sighuh?
One of the things I've found with newspapers who get the Barry column is that they frequently cut it to shreads.
n ists/dave_barry/
I was reading the 2002 year in review. I couldn't immediately find it on the Miami Herald site, so I did a google search. The first result it returned was for... I think... the Phoenix paper. I read it and was kinda dissapointed. I felt like it wasn't as good and definitely wasn't as long as some of his previous years work.
Curious, because I wanted to compare, I looked 2001 on the Miami Herald site. It was there, and so was the 2002 in the search window. The 2002 article on the MH site was approximately twice as long as it was on the Phoenix site. They had edited pretty heavily... mostly to remove references harsh to the republican party or George Bush. Incensed, I checked it out in my local paper, which had also cut the article, but in different places.
If you want sraight Dave Barry, either buy the MH or check it out online at the MH website.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/colum
The next Slashdot story will be ready soon, but subscribers can beat the rush and slashdot the links early!
We didn't pay him $127,000 to do this, no matter what anyone says.
Thank God! I was close to doubting Slashdot's journalistic integrity.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to read all 127 writeups on the CPU review at Tom's Hardware.
And if this were digital media, it would most likely be ILLEGAL under the DMCA or other such bassackwards legislation. If the newspaper had their way, this would fall under some DRM scheme. It's certainly where we're headed...
Nice country we live in, huh?
Sorry for the off-topic rant... but this is exactly the sort of "fair use" thing that's worth fighting to keep in the new world of Digital Restrictions Management.
-S
--- What parts of "shall make no law", "shall not be infringed", and "shall not be violated" don't you understand?
Am I the only person who thought that he should have been paid 127,001?
For instance, much of his response was not 'funny' per se, but I almost hurt myself when I got to: Sure, it's not *about* anything, but it's funny in it's style, how it catches you off-guard. Thows something entirely silly into an otherwise boring boilerplate remark.
And now that I've analyzed the hell out of it, I'm not sure It's funny anymore. Dave Barry's humor is a "You had to be there" type funny.
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge"
- Charles Darwin
According to this post, the Joke Tracking Center can be contacted at:
Joke Tracking Center
PO Box 011509
Miami, FL 33101
Looks like it's time to send one of those USPS postcards that you can send online...
and here's the corrected address:
JOKE TRACKING CENTER
PO BOX 11509
MIAMI FL 33101-1509
Now let's all be good citizens and send our fritzspotting records to Dave! I wonder if a post office has ever been slashdotted before...
Let this be a lesson to the crack head mods to really think...
/. readers like you and me, randomly chosen to moderate. I've been a mod. You've probably been a mod.
/. are stupid. Which might very well be true.
The sad think dildatron, is that the mods are us. We are the mods. The mods are just regular
What i'm saying is when you tell me that the mods are stupid, you're really saying that readers of
The first rule of geek points is that you don't talk about geek points.
- This isn't the sig you're looking for. Move along, move along..
-- veni vidi nuclei deceri --- I came, I saw, I dumped core.