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A Model End Vendor License Agreement
Teese writes "Low End Mac is presenting this article as a humor piece, but its vision of an End Vendor License Agreement seems to be pretty well thought out, and one that I wouldn't mind seeing in the real world."
So, the vendors have to agree to be bound by an agreement?
BUAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!
Pardon me...
Do not look into laser with remaining eye.
From the Redmond, WA Garbage Dump: You agree that upon receiving my payment of $199.99 for xp, you will give full control over my computer to me. You agree not to force upgrades, backdoors, or internet explorer at me. You also agree that if my privacy or Fair Use Rights are violated in any way, shape, or form, I have the right to repeal my $199.99 and keep the software at no cost. Bill, please sign below: __________________________
If the legal disclaimer leaves a bad taste in your mouth, you might prefer this one: (can you find the new ones from last time? Read carefully, and don't drink anything at the same time) DISCLAIMER (I MEAN IT): This program and documentation reflects the thoughts, opinions, ideas, and body odor of myself; it does not reflect the thoughts, opinions, ideas, and/or body odor of my company, my friends, my wife, my daughter, my fish, my roses, my dog, or my trash. All rights reserved, all lefts reserved. This software is subject to change without notice. Bits are slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual software, running or hung, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Forget the dog, beware of owner. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. Type hard, you are making five copies. This software is a void pointer to null where prohibited, protected, declared private, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Software is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied. User assumes all liabilities. Not liable for damages due to use or misuse or inability to understand. An equal opportunity electron employer. No shirt, no shoes, no software. Quantities are limited while supplies last. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Falling bridge. London bridge is falling down, falling down, help, I've fallen and I can't get up. Quality may vary. Since software is hand-crafted, there will be slight differences in each object. If defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. No Parking. No Standing. No Solicitors. No Spitting. No Kidding. Posted no Bills. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies please. Parental Advisory - explicit source code. No one under 17 admitted. Keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children. Limit one per family. No money down. No purchase necessary. Cache and carry. You do not need to be present to win. Some assembly and C++ required. Batteries not included. Action figures sold separately. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models are over 18 years of age. Available in fine shoe stores everywhere. Take a number please. Preservatives added to improve freshness. Safety goggles must be worn at all times. Hard hat area. Sealed for your protection. The buss stops here. Call before you dig. Add toner. Sanitized for your protection. Place stamp here. How about a nice game of chess? EXTERN use only. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use and consult your magic eight ball. Use only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures. Store in a cool dry place. Refrigerate after opening. Keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes. Avoid contact with eyes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. If this software begins to smoke, run, do not walk, towards the nearest exit. Do not place near any magnetic source. Smoking this software may be hazardous to your health. Stop playing with that atomic pile. You are not in Kansas any more. I/O, I/O, its off to work I go. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the CIA. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. A proud sponsor of the local chapter of the old hackers home. Code used in this software was made from 100% recycled electrons. Prosecutors will be violated. No animals were used to test the runtime performance of this software. No extra salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. If symptoms persist, delete yourself immediately. If you suspect an overloaded operator, destroy immediately. Constantly volatile when exposed to static pointers. The white zone is for passenger loading and unloading only. Do you like gladiator movies? Content's under press
Cool, you could sue them and lose, setting a precedent.
Excellent, mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
The EVLA says "4. Anything I make with my own computer is my property, and you cannot use if in any form."
Isn't restricting their use of conditional logic a little bit extreme?
"if you violate any of these terms we will stop payment" ... huh? What if they violate the EVLA 6 months after you buy the software? How can you stop payment then? You can't. You'd have to sue.
.. well it's sorta kinda like breaking into their house and stealing the money from their piggybank. Damn, I am a genius today.
I have a better idea. Make them agree that when you pay them, you are only giving them A LICENSE to use your money. You can revoke that license (i.e. get your money back) at any time, and for any reason. Would there be a failure of consideration (thus making the contract void for ya non-legal peeps)? No, due to time value of money. You get the money back, but not with interest. So they did get some consideration - the use of your money until you ask for it back.
Yeah, you'd still probably have to sue them to get them to quit pirating your money (violating the license agreement), but we can start a BSA type group to enforce such horrible, criminal violations on a large scale. I mean, come on.... taking a license to use someone's money and not giving the money back when the license is revoked is
Stupid people make stupid things profitable.
quit modding it funny... i'm serious. If I buy their software and only get a license to use it, then I'll give them a license to use my money. It's still my money (just like it's still their software). If we all agree that we will not buy any software unless they accept this condition, we'll make the world a better place. Birds will sing all day long. Chipmunks and pitbulls will play together.
Stupid people make stupid things profitable.
I trained my cat to click on them, but I rarely boot to anything but Linux so she's getting out of practice. Come to think of it, I don't think OS X and OS 9 even have entries in my bootloader.
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software:
This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither expressed nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces.
The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.
This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea.
You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:
1) Calling my bank to inquire about the status of my account;
2) Thanking me at the conclusion of our business transaction;
3) Going to bed at the end of this or any other day; or
4) Using any toilet or rest room.
Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy. Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or all three.
They don't let us see the EULA until after we purchase the product, so we don't have to let them to see the EVLA until after purchase either.
Just write up your own EVLA and mail it to them, remembering to include the following:
If you do not accept the terms of this agreement, you have 14 days to reimburse the purchase price plus sales taxes and the software product will be returned to you. Failure to return the money within 14 days indicates acceptance of the agreement, which supercedes all End User Licensing Agreements past, present or future.
Then if the manufacturer ever gets around to replying to you, tell them you are not responsible for returning the product; the store where you bought it will send them one. Or if the store contacts you, direct them to the manufacturer.
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There is inferior bacteria on the interior of your posterior.
We need a Better Business Bureau like association for EULA's. Where software companies can get their software certified and then being able to display a seal of approval on the packaging by having their EULA user friendly. There could be different levels of friendliness and reviews on software that didn't want to apply for certification.
We already have something like that, but unfortunately the corporations beat us to it. The seal of approval you speak of bears the wording "Designed for Windows XP" (or something similar) and signifies that software has passed Redmond's rigorous anti-user friendly requirements.
I think they missed something as well....
11. The license that I purchase from you for your product gives me full, unadulterated rights to that product. I may change the software, add and subtract code from it, and do as I deem fit with the software.
12. Given #11, I may sell, trade, or give the software to another user as long as the license follows and I relinquish the rights to the software with the license.
13. You agree that once the product is purchased, any problems I experience will be corrected within a timely manner. This includes a human on the other end of the phone to help me correct the problem. A voice-mail block hole is unacceptable and will result in the revocation of said payment until the problem is fixed. A charge of $9.95 per minute (payable by visa, mastercard, amex, paypal and diner's club) will be assessed for each minute on hold I must wait.
doesnt work because, primarily, the minimum wage desk jockey rubber-stamping endorsements is not an agent with the authority to accept such a condition.
Yeah, but that should cut both ways. The next time you buy some software that you might have a click-through EULA, have the neighbor kid install it.
Yeah.
Quit trying to post to slashdot and get back to work.
--your boss
Was on a band aid wrapper:
" contents sterile unless opened "
Beautiful. Impossible to test the product to see if the disclaimer is truthful.
Maybe on my next software product I will have an EULA that states " contains no bugs unless open "
it is only after a long journey that you know the strength of the horse.