Slashdot Mirror

← Back to Stories (view on slashdot.org)

The Buttocks Have It

Posted by michael on from the hot-seat dept.

An anonymous reader writes "From this ZDNET article: Future hijackers may find that their buttocks betray them, if UK defense firm Qinetiq has its way. The company has developed a smart chair stashed with a thicket of seat sensors, according to New Scientist magazine this week. The same seats could also be used to warn cabin staff of illness among the passengers, potentially alleviating the risk of deep vein thrombosis or DVT."

10 of 243 comments (clear)

  1. Finally by -tji · · Score: 5, Funny

    Hopefully this technology will allow me to find that inconsiderate bastard that keeps farting near me on international flights.

  2. How helpful. by chundo · · Score: 5, Funny

    "Excuse me sir, the computer is telling me you might need a hemorrhoid cushion?"

    -j

  3. That is... by niko9 · · Score: 4, Funny

    the mos ASSinine thing I have ever heard.

    Ok, so I can;t spel. :p

  4. One problem by Cipster · · Score: 4, Funny

    used to warn cabin staff of illness among the passengers

    What I'd like to know is how in the world will they be able to differentiate true illness from mere consequences of eating airline food)?

  5. The future of embarrasment by Captain+Galactic · · Score: 5, Funny

    "Excuse me, sir, our in-seat rectal analizers have found that you are ill. Would you like some asistance?"

  6. False positives... by Pollux · · Score: 4, Funny

    Future additions may include temperature and moisture sensors to increase the accuracy of remote diagnosis of problems, and as part of a drive to make the aircraft's environment react intelligently to the needs of the passenger.

    Considering some of the flights that I've been on, I could just imagine what would happen with these "future additions" in case the plane hits an air pocket & drops a few hundred feet...

    "Oh my gosh! According to the seat sensors, we have about 50 terrorists on board!"

    "Nah...they just all pissed their pants after that last air pocket. Grab some TP and follow me..."

  7. As a security device? by twoallbeefpatties · · Score: 4, Funny

    Great. In those old sci-fi flicks, they used to kill the guy, pull the eye out of his socket, and use it to bypass the retinal scanners. Now, it's:

    "This is Agent 003. The president is dead. I repeat, the president is dead, and they've taken his buttocks. Get the security system changed. Now."

    "We can't do it, sir! A virus is blocking our entry into the system!"

    "Goddammit, I want every man on the streets looking for that ass!"

    --
    Libertarians somehow believe that private businesses should be stronger than governments but weaker than individuals.
  8. And people always call me crazy... by MongooseCN · · Score: 5, Funny

    ...because I'm wearing tin foil underwear. Looks who's laughing now!

    --


    Outdoor digital photography, mostly in New Engl
  9. another privacy violation by falsification · · Score: 4, Funny

    This is a revolting privacy violation. Talk about the government crawling up your ass.

  10. May it please the court to hear this testimony... by Zhe+Mappel · · Score: 4, Funny
    The seat itself will not make a fundamental assessment of the mental or physical state of its load but will merely point out the discrepancies, leaving it to the cabin staff to work out whether 45B is jumpy because they're scared of flying or because they're planning to take over the plane.

    (Excerpts from the prosecution testimony submitted to the court by Northwest Airlines Smart Seat #423aY9)

    ...At approximately 13:54h, two highly suspicious buttocks settled upon me creating a sensation in my sensi-cups beyond all imagining. I compare it to being asked to lay under twin inflatable Walmart children's swimming pools filled with seven-layer jello salad while that lady from the Ebay ads does belly-flops in them. I've assessed a lot of butts in my time, but none, to be sure, immediately struck me as being so bouncy with evil.

    Lightning fast calculations conducted by my WinCE Special Edition Ass Patriot software came up showing POSITIVE in multiple categories for a BGI (Butt Guilt Indicator) value of .00457, or a full .00257 above the standard benchmarks for PI (Posterior Innocence).

    Without hesitation I silently activated the vibra-alert pager of Senior Chief Air Attendant Kitty M., who, according to protocol, approached the owner of the buttocks in a nonchalant, oblique manner with the offer of a bag of complimentary Freedom Nuts (unsalted).

    The peanuts were accepted and, judging from my continuous real-time nether feed, consumed in two large gulps. At 13:59h, rumbling ensued. At 14:01h, I registered a seismic event that I would rather not discuss. By 14:02h, airline security had been alerted and at 14:06h three agents boarded the plane cleverly disguised as a troupe of disgraced former Citigroup executives. Slyly, they engaged in covert-ops conversation, as follows:

    Agent #1: Beautiful part is, I'm spending more time with Gale and the kids.

    Agent #2: Golden. Mind if I run with that tip?

    Agent #3: Ha ha ha. The best tips are the ones that help society to be more productive and honest!

    At 14:10h, the suspect was seized, hooded, cuffed, pinned, tagged, numbered, bagged, and escorted from the plane in accordance with the Zero Tolerance for Terrorist Tushes Act passed last term by Congress.

    It is the considered opinion of this chair that the buttocks in question presented a substantial and credible threat to the safety of the passengers and crew, and should be dealt with in the harshest fashion, up to and including electrocution. Nor is this chair displeased to report that the On Call passenger who claimed the terrorist's seat turned out to be a 22-year old aerobics instructor from Cincinnati who spent the flight reading fellatio tips in the latest Cosmopolitan. And squirming ever so nicely. Ain't freedom sweet?