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Rules for Teenage Internet Access?
Kent Brewster writes "Despite dire warnings, we've gone ahead and put computers with Internet access into our adolescent (11, 12, and 15-year-old) childrens' rooms. We've got a nebulous set of rules, which include several like these: Keep the door open when you're on the computer. Don't quickly exit from everything when we walk past. Don't ever lie to us about what you're doing. Unfortunately we've had instances where all of these rules - especially that last one - have been broken, so now we are looking at getting more specific. We'd be very interested in hearing from both sides of the fence: parents with Net-connected progeny, and those who are chafing under their rule. Parents, once you're past making the huge mistake of actually letting the kids have computers in their rooms, what's a reasonable set of guidlines? Non-parents, what are the rules that chap your hide the worst? Do they actually make a difference in your behavior, or do you just sneak past them anyway? Finally, and this is sort of a meta-question from an exasperated dad, does everybody lie about what they're doing on the Internet?"
No, what are you talking about?! I'm not reading slashdot, I'm doing my homework, I swear!!
- shazow
I am thirteen years old and have been allowed to have my own computer since I was eleven. My parents figured that I was a fairly clever kid who would have figured out a way of doing the wrong thing if i so pleased. I do not look at innapropriate websites--namely pornography, as a christian it goes against everything I believe in. Additionally, my parents are more likely to figure out what I am doing when I am on a computer, at their house. I agree that, in the end, it is simply a matter of trust. Plus, having a laptop hooked up with wifi rocks!
Or do what I do and just TELL them that you're logging their traffic. Knowing that anything they say online can be used against them by dad does wonders to keep them honest.
And don't give me lip about not trusting my kids...I trust my kids with my life. It's the million other perverts who would lure them to the local Motel 6 that I don't trust. Children, even teenagers, need guidance and need their parents to keep an eye on them and prevent them from getting into potentially dangerous situations. In my case, I do that by occassionally snooping on their communications. Considering that I've already caught my nine year old daughter posing as a 13 year old, AND caught a local high school kid propositioning her, you'll have a heck of a time convincing me that monitoring is a BAD thing.
There is nothing so pathetic as seeing a beautiful young theory roughed up by a tough gang of facts.
When you teach a child to ride a bike, you eventually have to let go of the handlebars and let them go it alone. And they may crash, many times even. But that is life. Similarly, if you keep an omnipresent eye over everything your child does until they leave the house, how prepared do you think they will be to go it alone? Not at all.
The people I've met with overprotective parents inevitably went "wild" when they finally got to college. Those that didn't were somewhat "off", and had trouble interacting with the regular populace (and by "regular", I don't mean "party-goer").
As for me, my parents were practically negligent of my upbringing. I wouldn't suggest others treat their kids the same way, but I've turned out OK. When facing the challenges laid before me by life, such as whether to use drugs, whether to party rather than study, etc, I always knew I was on my own two feet. No one was there to catch me if I fell.
I never considered, "If I do this, what will my parents think?" They didn't really care one way or the other. Instead, I always thought, "What impact will this have on MY future?" Someone who's set about controlling another's life, whether with good intentions or bad, inevitably stands in an adversarial position to that person.
That person becomes your "enemy", whether it is spoken or not. Things become wanted and sought after not because of their intrinsic worth, but because in a struggle for freedom the child invariably "rebels" and strives to escape the shackles of the controlling environment. The child doesn't want drugs, or promiscious behavior, but really wants freedom.
Of course, this doesn't accurately portray every kid. There are plenty that pursue life's vices simply because they are bored or don't care, and get away with it because the parents are negligent. But you should keep in mind that your attempts to control your children are very likely to backfire later in life.
Kids want privacy, and freedom over their selves. Take those away, and they will hate you, whether they admit it or not.
And nothing will give a 16 year old a complex about sex like that, either. Trying to discourage any sort of behavior through needless embarassment will do just that: needlessly embarass him. If you really are enough of an uptight, sexually repressed parent that you absolutely forbid that a teenage boy be interested in sex or women, well, good luck with that. Either your son will turn out gay, be afraid of sex and women, or become a sexual freak (weird/disgusting fetishes and whatnot).
I'm a 14-year-old Linux geek. I don't look at porn. My friends all say that I'm odd and strange and I'll end up horribly messed up for life.
It's not that I'm odd, it's just that I've walked in on my (50-year-old) dad looking at porn one-too-many times.
So here's a somewhat interesting point of view on internet restrictions: should parents have rules, too?
I'm right now 16, almost 17, and I have a broadband-connected computer in my room. My dad is a DBA, and my mother barely knows how to use AOL. Both want me to stay away from "bad" internet sites. However, I set up the network, I built the computer, and they know that if I truly want to do something like that, I have the ability. But they trust me, and know that I can make my own decisions. The times when I've done something they think I shouldn't (and been caught) they punished me. But with the punishment, they also told me why what I did was wrong, and talked to me about why I would do something like that, and why I made that decision. However, they kept with the punishment even after they knew I was sorry, until the punishment they'd set was served. From all of this, not only do I pretty much agree with them on most of these things, but I follow it, because I know why I should. So educate your kids on what to do and trust them to do it, because you only cripple them when you shield them too much.
I'm a parent of a 13 year old girl. Our daughter's computer is NOT in her bedroom. There is zero chance it will ever be in her bedroom. I've also taken extra steps regarding email. I run our own mail server so I have complete control. I gave my daughter her own "vanity" domain and she can have any number of personalized email addresses that she wishes. I've also told her she can offer her friends email addresses, though no one has gone for that. All email going into and out of her domain is archived. I do NOT read the emails, however, it's just a safety precaution. I hope I never have a need to poke through her personal messages. BTW, I've never looked in her diary, either.
I've implemented reasonably good filtering of email (both her domain and my own) via SpamAssassin, so spam is extremely rare - porn spam has been non-existent. My daughter does not have the ability to change the SpamAssassin settings. All email attachments are scanned for virus by the mail server (clamav). Some file attachment types are refused completely (exe, scr, and other dangerous types).
I will NEVER EVER use any type of content blocking software such as NetNanny. They don't work, they are politically motivated, and they are complete shit.
-- Will program for bandwidth
I think you give people too much credit. I have four daughters and I set up a computer for them with internet access a couple of years ago. (they were between 15 and 10 at the time) We set down a couple of rules... the biggest being "Do NOT give out any personal info over the web." I told them they could tell their first name, but if someone insists on the last, make something up. But no other info at all...
That being said, three days later, they were all over the chat rooms and the IMs. I decided to test them. We were away from the house and I created a fake AOL instant messenger screen name. I impersonated Justin Timberlake as I knew they were all fond of that crap back then. I initiated a conversation with them and within 5 minutes... 5 MINUTES, I had all their names, address, ages, and phone number. Since they didn't listen, I decided to teach them why I make the rules I make. Some may think it was a bad thing to do, but it worked for me. I "let them in" on the fact that I wasn't Justin Timberlake. I started talking about the clothes they were wearing, as I remembered what clothes they had on from earlier. I made them think that I was some kind of stalker and was watching them. They were scared shitless. They called within seconds and said that someone was outside watching them. I asked how they knew this and they tried to cover it all up. They finally told the truth and I explained what happened. They were mad at first, but a few days later, the oldest told me that they understand why I did it and the purpose for the rule. They don't give out personal info anymore.
People learn by making mistakes because there is a consequence to the mistake that they don't like. But do you want that consequence to be being raped or even killed because they told the wrong person who and where they were?? Paranoid or not, I believe that a safe child is a happy child. And no matter what you think, there are some really sick people out there.
User logging on... 300 baud... 300 BAUD?!? (Click!) NO CARRIER
It isn't my place to say so, but you may wish to rethink that particular explanation. I certainly understand the reasons behind blocking certain sites, but sooner or later one of the kids is liable to figure out what's going on. What will you tell them if they confront you?
My mother lied on several occasions to 'protect me' in similar fashion. When I discovered what was going on it resulted in loss of esteem and trust, feelings of resentment and betrayal and even self-doubt and guilt (if my own mother--the woman who drilled into me that honesty was the highest virtue--feels the need to lie to me what sort of person must I be?). Sadly, I was realizing these things as she was dying of cancer and never was able to discuss the matter with her. I was 20 at the time; that I didn't discover her 'white lies' sooner--as my sister did--shows the sort of implicit trust I felt my mother and I shared while growing up. Even at age 33 it still bothers me.
I'm not a parent, so I am in no position to judge your explanation. All I will say is that I scarcely recally the 'you are not allowed to do X and I'm doing Y to prevent you from doing it' stuff my mother did (my sister could probably come up with a list, tho ;-). The instances where she lied about what she was doing, however, are as fresh in my memory as the day I discovered the lies.
HA!
There are two types of strippers. There's the "My dad beat me and made me feel like a cheap whore so that's the only way I know how to live." strippers. Then there's the "My daddy gave me everything I wanted just for batting my eyelashes and now I've found that just by whipping out my tits I can get any man to give me whatever I want because I'm a spoiled bitch" strippers.
I'd say that the split is about 60/40 in favor of the former currently.
Yes, I am talking out of my ass.
'Standards' in computing only impress those who are impressed by things like 'standards'.