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Funny Things You've Seen on Resumes?
noackjr asks: "Everyone wants a great job, but writing a quality resume requires creativity and a fair bit of work (we won't go into actually having the proper skills, qualifications, or experiences -- let's not cloud the issue). Alternatively, sprucing up your resume with a few choice pieces of quasi-truth might set you apart from other 'qualified' candidates (the HR person will never figure it out, right?). A friend from college included knowledge of 'C, C+, and C++' on his resume. He had worked in C and C++ and just figured there had to be a C+ as well (too bad he didn't list C+-). He ended up getting a $50,000+/yr job with a major US tech firm using that resume. Anyone else come across funny/pathetic attempts to improve a resume?"
First Post on slashdot.org
Operator, give me the number for 911!
5 Years experience administrating Windows 2000 server.
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2B1ASK1
Not exactly a resume, but during our evaluations every year we have to fill out a form, which amoung other things asks us to list our goals for the year. In an attempt to see if my manager actually reads these things, I listed one of my goals as "world domination". Needless to say this went unnoticed for three years. When he finally did recognize it and questioned me on it, I replied that I didn't like to set my goals too low.
Fish do not make good desert travel companions.
Free hint: they list all the languages that they have heard about, because recruiters search keywords on the web-based job boards. The goal of a resume is not to prove your skills--the goal of a resume is to get to talk to a recruiter. The interview (or three) is the place to demonstrate your skills.
Anybody who keeps to a strictly modest resume simply hasn''t looked for work in the last three years--getting the recruiter to recognize that you're actually an ideal candidate for a position that they know nothing about is more than half the battle.
--
$tar -xvf
They don't give out Nobel prizes for "Most Novel New Method to Kill People"
You do know how Alfred Nobel made his fortune, right?
"(Man) tries to live his own life as if he were telling a story. But you have to choose: live or tell." --Sartre
Umm, you're 100% wrong.
You bolded "language" - but the OP wasn't saying HTML isn't a language, he's saying it's not a programming language - and he's exactly right.
Exactly - XML isn't a programming language either. It's still just markup. Things start getting a little murkier with XSL, since XSL does have very programmatic structures like loops, (immutable) variable, and templates that can be vaguely analogous to functions.
No one is claiming PHP isn't a programming language because it's not compiled. Perl isn't compiled either (well, not the way you think), but you'd have to be smoking some powerful weed to think it's not a programming language.
A programming language needs data structures. It needs instructions and control flow. HTML has none of that.
Spoken like a true HTML "programmer"...
I know it hurts to hear that all the HTML coding you do doesn't make you a programmer - but get over it. Actually now that I think about it, you probably do some javascript too in your job duties and that DOES count as a programming language, so you can call yourself a programmer after all! Hurray for Kethinov the programmer!!
I am *NOT* making this up.
A few years back we were hiring for Java development. One of the lead programmers had a military background so naturally a resume of anohter fellow with a similar military background rose to the top of the pile. After a phone interview by somebody here, the candidate was scheduled for a full day of interviews on site (He was located several states away).
The big day came and he shows up 3 hours late, dressed like a car mechanic - grease and all. His excuse? "I don't trust airplanes so I had to take the train" (Keep in mind that there are no commuter rails anywhere near our part of the state). Umm okay, well lets get started. One of the first questions I had was about a descrepency on his resume. It stated that he had recieved a BS from Yale, but those same years it also listed him as being active in the military. (served in the Navy off the coast of Libya)
"Right, well I was wounded in action and took correspondence courses while in the hospital" was his response. I think I was more surprised to hear that he was wounded in action in Libya than the correspondence courses supposedly offered by Yale!
Anyway, the interview quickly went down hill after the started throwing buzzwords haphazardly around the room. And then came the kicker... during a lull in the conversation, between discussions of his C++ past, he leaned forward and said "You know what? I really can't stand n*ggers. They cause all the problems"
WTF?? Who says things like that, let alone during an interview! I was so shellshocked that the only thing I could manage to say was "Well... okay..." as I slipped out of the room. The worst part was we still had him scheduled for the rest of the day (another 4 hours)
(and I'm posting anonymously because he might be reading slashdot. the dude was a Freak!)
Oh, and he didn't get the job.
I collect bad resumes. hehe..
...
Keep in mind. I work in retail. Retail electronics sales. Thank God we do all of our application processing over the Internet now, and no longer accept resumes, except when pasted into the Internet Job Application Form. But now I don't get the utter hilariousness of people seriously thinking they are going to get hired with things like the following (remember. Retail. Electronics.):
"Objective: Seeking a job in Food Services.
Major: Novell Networking"
(ok, majored in college in novell networking? and seeking a "fries with that" job? and applying in an electronics store???)
"Objective: To be an asset to an organization who needs I can fulfill and obtain a position or responsiblity in the sales feeld." (this is exactly how it was typed)
"I have very good communication skills, multitask oriented, self motivated can get along with various people, I do what im supposed to do when it be done and i'm experienced with dealing with people. I'm willing to travel."
"Education: I received a diploma from holy Redeemer in which I studied college prep classes on June 4, 2000." (this person didn't go to school very much?)
"In January 2001 I attended Henry Ford Community college where I studied basic English"
"responsibilities included help elders with personal care keep them company do thnig around there homes if needed. I did not quit or get fired."
"In January I will be starting school at NIT and taking computer classes to help me until I go to school for my real Major."
"Education: Fordson High School. [Enter your major here] GPA: 3.0 [Enter additional school information including honors, campus involvement and other activities here]" (oops, gotta check those default fields!)
"Responsiblties: Install new, used, and repair tires." (huh?)
"Objective: To obtain full time employment as a Prep Cook or in a Hotel Banquet Facility where my abilities will be utilized and where there is room for growth and opportunity." (I figure this guy could make us lunch every day.. hmm.. think: retail. sales. We don't need a cook.)
"Reason for leaving last employer: School stared back!" (I think she meant school started back.. but that still doesn't make sense in any brand of English that I know.. although I know what she meant.. I'd like to see a school that stares back, though. Maybe a good Stephen King novel.)
"Reason for leaving last employer: Hair cut." (????)
"Previous employer: Financial Administrator for the Yemen National Government." (ok, what the hell are you doing applying for a Retail Sales job?)
I've got a hell of a lot more, but these are the ones easily accessible from where I'm sitting right now. Enjoy!
"Champagne for my real friends - and real pain for my sham friends!" http://ericblade.postalboard.com/
Absolutely true.
...and I say this as a foolishly steadfast person who refuses to put anything on his resume that he can't back up 100%. If I say I can do, then, dammit, I can do it.
A resume isn't a resume any more, it's a list of keywords for some recruiter to search on. He doesn't know what the words means, he's just looking for matches.
It's not your father's job market out there. Employees are commodities, on about the same level as office furniture, except the office furniture gets to stick around longer. You are not a person with a unique set of skills, but rather a list of keywords that may or may not have any bearing on your skill set, or even worse, the intangible benefits of a well-rounded education.
What employers seem to want today is an idiot savant. Someone with superior skill in whatever particular item they are interested in (or think they are interested in), and they don't give a damn about anything else.
I know from experience that "thinking out of the box" may be an overused and supposedly virtuous cliche term, but most managers wouldn't know how to do it and would be frightened or angry if their employees actually did.
I just survived 5 months at a place where, based on my resume and interview (I'm a Windows C++ programmer with 16 years professional programming experience), they couldn't hire me fast enough, but insisted I work like an entry-level person. If an entry-level programmer couldn't walk in on what I was doing at any time and immediately understand it, they didn't want to see it. I probably pee'd a few people off when I suggested that the 4-programmer team I was on could easily be replaced by one programmer and a couple of QA people at about half the cost, and then explained how. But of course, this is government work, you aren't paid the most for getting the job done quickly, you are paid the most for billing the most hours before the deadline.
Sorry, but I'm just a bit cynical about it all these days.
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
At my high school job (retail sales), we received an application where the applicant had filled out "Mister Meaner" next to the Have you ever been convicted of a crime? question.
The expression is "I could NOT care less." Think about it.