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Linux Conf 2004 Gives in Many Ways
Noddy writes "The Australian Linux Conf 2004 wrapped up today, with a few geek notables being dunked for their contributions.. to charity that is. Cystic Fibrosis benefitted from the likes of Andrew Tridgell, Damien Conway and Linus Torvalds stripping down, Linus getting into his speedos, and all getting wet. Video of the Linus dunking and a few images are available (thanks Internode). Bet the girls can't wait for the 'Geek Boys of Open Source' pinup calendar after seeing these shots of Linus. Great work guys! More conf wrap-up info also at ZDNet."
The Troll War
Chapter 1
It was 03:00. The moonless night engulfed three individuals in complete darkness. Three individuals who moved, with surprising grace, toward a single destination. Three individuals on a campaign; a mission. A campaign to rid Slashdot of lame trolls. A mission to ultimately destroy Slashdot forever.
A low candle flame, flickering slightly in the crisp Autumn night breeze, lit the storm sewer corridors and access tubes with a deep yellow pallor. Faint whisperings, little more than leaves brushing against ancient cement walls to the rest of the world, could be heard.
"Where is Alan? I thought I saw him approaching a moment ago," Trollaxor hissed. Standing a full 6 foot, with slicked-back black hair and a few day's worth of stubble, Trollaxor looked every bit the revolutionary in his black leather biking jacket. His green eyes pierced the dimly lit darkness, awaiting a response.
"I believe he tripped on his beard," Linus stated matter-of-factly, with just a hint of impatience. Linus Torvalds, Open Source hero and maintainer of Linux, stood taut as coiled snakes as he realized the gravity of the situation.
"Contact him. We have already overstayed our time in this place, even as we arrive." Trollaxor pushed.
"Fine," Linus Torvalds threw back the hood that concealed his Finnish visage, which was painted with tightly closed eyes and a look of grim concentration. He rubbed his temples lightly as sweat began to bead upon his high Finnish forehead.
Mumbling rapidly in Finnish, Linus turned to the East, now raising one hand above his head, palm extended to the direction of the sun's somnal abode.
"I can't seem-- to contact him--" Linus grunted in broken English. "I will try another method!"
Now a tributary of Old Swedish poured from the well of Linus's foreign maw. Trollaxor started, "Linus, if he is lost to us, there is nothing you can do, not even a fossil language can bring him to us now!"
Linus broke his linguistic trance and turned to Trollaxor. "In the name of all discontinued Japanese Transformers! The enemy must have captured him! Damn him and his filth-ridden beard! Now you know why I hate working with dirty GNU hippies!"
The enemy, as both Trollaxor and Linus knew too well, were the nefarious Slashdot Moderators, a group of numb-minded, brainwashed denizens of their strange, dark world that patrolled in hopes of "disabling" those who rebelled against their beloved Commander's will. "As dirty as he was, he was a valuable ally that you and I and the rest of the free world needed," Trollaxor dryly pointed out. "If the Mods got him, we must forego tonight's plans and rescue him immediately!"
Grunting again, this time out of frustration and anger, Linus whispered sharply thru clenched teeth in a heavy accent, thick with Finnish and Old Gutnish phonemic forms. "In the name of unmade Beast Wars toys, how are you and I to do a thing if the Mods patrol tonight?"
Trollaxor, ever the rebel to thrive against challenge, grew a vicious smile as he turned to Linus again. "The harder they patrol, the harder we troll, my friend." Linus remained nonplussed. As Trollaxor tightened the belts on his black leather biking jacket and made sure all miscelanaous zippers were sealed, his face brightened even more. "We've faced worse setbacks. Remember the Fallen Trolls. And remember moreso those Trolls who have gone over to the other side."
As Trollaxor's voice trailed off, Linus hung his head and exhaled slowly. Thoughts of the fallen whipped thru Linus's Finnish brain like TCP packets to Linux's bit bucket. "No, how can I not remember. Troll Mastah, Signal 11, travesty... They tried to break us!"
"Looks like they'll try again!" Trollaxor replied, smiling, completing a verse from "Wild Boys", the infamous Duran Duran track that Trollaxor and his camp had taken up as their anthem. "Now come on. We have some Mods that need bitchslapped tonight!"
Linus closed his eyes and bobbed his head three times
Now that's interesting. No, not the title. Not the dot. Just how the hell did he get that through the lameness filter?
I need to figure out how to buy guns (AK-74s, a Dragunov and a PK) and how to get them over the border.
Any advice?
Talk about taking your zealotry too far...
"The Finn Who Would Not Take a Sauna"
or "The Guy Who Came in from the Cold"
by Garrison Keillor
In Northeast Minnesota, what they call the Iron Range,
Where men are men and that is that, and some things never change;
Where winter stays, nine months a year, there is no spring or fall,
And sometimes it is so cold the mercury can not be seen a t'all.
Where you and I, we normal folks, would shiver, shake and chatter,
And if we used an outhouse we would grow an extra bladder.
But even when it's coldest, when our feet would have no feeling,
Those iron rangers get dressed up and go out snow-mobiling;
Out across the frozen land and make a couple stops,
At Gino's lounge and Rudy's bar for whiskey, beer, and schnapps.
And then they go into a shack that's filled with boiling rocks,
That's hot enough to sterilize even iron ranger's socks.
They sit there until they steam out every sin and every foible,
Then they jump into a frozen lake, and claim that it's "enjoyble".
But there was one, a shy young man, and although he was Finnish,
The joys of winter had for him, long started to diminish.
He was a Finn, the only Finn, who would not take a sauna.
"It isn't that I can't," he said, "I simply do not wanna."
And so he staid close by his stove for nine months of the year,
Because he was so sensitive to change in "tempacheer."
His friends said, "Come on Toyvle, let's go out to Sunfish lake.
A Finn who don't take saunas? Why, there must be some mistake."
But Toyvle said, "There's no mistake, I know that I would freeze;
In water colder than myself - 98.6 degrees.
To jump into a frozen lake is not my fondest wish,
For just because I am a Finn, don't mean that I'm a fish."
One night He went to Eveleth, to attend the miners ball;
If you have not danced in Eveleth you've never danced a t'all.
And he met a Finnish beauty there who turned his head around;
She was broad of beam, and when she danced, she shook the frozen ground.
She grabbed that shy young man in hand and swept him off his feet,
And bounced him up and down until he learned that Polka beat.
She was as strong as any man, she was as fair as she was wide,
And when the dance was over, he asked her to be his bride.
She looked him over carefully; she said, "You're kinda thin,
But you must have some courage, if it's true you are a Finn."
"I ain't particular about men, I am no prima donna,
But I would never marry one who would not take a sauna."
They got into her pickup truck and down the road they drove,
And fifteen minutes later they were stoken' up the stove.
She had a flask of whiskey, they had a couple toots,
And went into the shack and got into their birthday suits.
She steamed him and she boiled him until his skin turned red;
She poured it on until his brains were boiling in his head.
To improve his circulation and to soften up his hide,
She got a couple birch boughs and she beat him 'till he cried,
"OH, couldn't you just love me now, oh, don't you think you can?",
She said, "It's time to go outside and show you are a man."
Straight way, because he loved her so, and thought his heart would break,
He jumped right up and out the door and ran down to the lake.
And though he paused a moment, when he saw the lake was frozen,
And tried to think just which snow bank his love had put his clothes'en.
When he thought of his true love, he didn't have to think twice,
He just picked up his frozen feet and raced across the ice.
And coming to the hole that they had cut there with an ax,
Putting common sense aside, ignoring all the facts,
He LEAPED, o-h-h, what a leap, and as he dove beneath the surface,
It thrilled him to his very soul and also made him "nerface."
And it wasn't just the tingling cold he felt from limb to limb,
He cried, "My love, I'm finished -- I forgot -- I cannot swim!"
She fished him out, and stood him up, and gave him an embrace,
That warmed his very