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Mysterious Force Affects Pioneer 10 & 11 Probes

JabbaTheFart writes "The Guardian is writing that something strange is tugging at America's oldest spacecraft. As the Pioneer 10 and 11 probes head towards distant stars, scientists have discovered that the craft - launched more than 30 years ago - appear to be in the grip of a mysterious force that is holding them back as they sweep out of the solar system. Some researchers say unseen 'dark matter' may permeate the universe and that this is affecting the Pioneers' passage. Others say flaws in our understanding of the laws of gravity best explain the crafts' wayward behaviour."

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  1. GNAA BEGINS SALE OF DECAPITATION INSURANCE by Anonymous Coward · · Score: -1, Troll
    GNAA BEGINS SALE OF DECAPITATION INSURANCE
    Zeikfried - Reuters, Saudi Arabia

    The brutal slayings of Paul Johnson, the young Jew Nick Berg, and local Starcraft champion Kim Sun-il, only serve to exemplify that while so-called moderates preach Islam as a religion of peace, normal god-fearing citizens are not blind to the brutal truth, Islam wants to lop off your shit liberally.
    "But these poor bastards were working abroad!" you cry, your several chins flailing wildly as a mixture of spittle and congealed fat sprays from your blackened lips like a gaijin Tubgirl. But you couldn't be more wrong, Gay Nigger studies indicate the muslims are, in fact, stealing your land, woman, and anal virginity before your very eyes. The situation is indeed dire, as indicated by a recent #GNAA straw poll showing that your average Joe Negro is a mere 58 metres away from a filthy sand nigger, ready willing and able to decapitate you and encode your fate into a shitty .wmv
    How may we counter this? How can we protect our terrified brothers, sisters, and lovers from this reprehensible neck decimating towelhead menace? The answer is simple you wretched cretins, as of the 19th of June, award winning self-help group the Gay Nigger Association of America begins the sale of Decapitation Insurance to all American, Korean, and British citizens and expatriates not willing to contribute to Wil Wheatons latest marathon masturbation session.
    But rather than provide this service to the select few, the GNAA understands that your menial jobs are now being performed for one tenth of the cost by an equally skilled Indian, so we have provided a range of contracts scaled to suit your needs.
    • For just $50 per month: Captured by Islamists? About to utterly fail it at life? Worry no more, for with our GNAA patented tracking device (inserted anally - replaced once a fortnight) you can call for assistance with a stealthy squeeze of the buttocks. In the unlikely event that this takes longer than anticipated our probe is programmed to gently stimulate your prostate to prevent unnecessary panic.
    • For just $75 per month: Sadly our response teams are often distracted by widespread sodomy and the dulcet tones of Emerson Lake and Palmer, and as a result may not be able to save you from the junktouch of death. But fear not, for an extra 25 dollars a month we will throw in a made-to-measure GNAA sponsored cast-iron neckbrace, proven to stop a round from a Kalashnikov at 20 paces. Also, feel free to laugh majestically as their cries of "ALLAHU AKBAR!" are drowned out by the in-built speaker system, designed to pump out 140 decibels of "I am a Viking" by renowned pie-huffing Swedish guitar rapist Yngwie J Malmsteen.
    • For Just $100 per month: Round-the-clock protection for you and your friends and family can be yours. Your potential executioners will quake in fear of our GNAA dogs of war, fresh from their victories over 4chan, efnet #politics, and gaiaonline, as they shield your prone jugular with their very lives and dongs. The service is second to none, and each contract is hand signed by GNAA president Timecop himself. The first 500 will also recieve a free jar of holy nigger seed, eagerly provided by GNAA GAMES chairman Zeikfried Tuvai.

    But don't just take our word for it, GNAA sponsored clairvoyant Madame Jank DuTouche has contacted Paul Johnsons head from beyond the ethereal veil of death to bring you this recommendation:
    "The moons axis over Jupiter brings it into allignment with the constellation Orion and the Planet Anus. After inhaling several ounces of crack, I followed this up with my tarot reading of 'The Jester', 'Death', 'Captain B Dick', '4 swords' and a 'double headed anal dildo'. This told me but one thing, Paul Johnson endorses the Gay Nigger Association of Americas drive for a gay and Decapitation free universe."
    Not to be outdone, Kim Sun-il's head released the following statement:
    "kekeke"

  2. explanation??? by millahtime · · Score: -1, Troll

    I am can't wait to see the scientist explanations of this. One thing that is rare for them to admit is not knowing why something happens. We do have a very small and limited view of the universe and really don't know that much in the overall picture of things.

    1. Re:explanation??? by millahtime · · Score: 0, Troll

      they state things they are fairly sure about as being the way it is. many times it's from the limited understanding we have and they have trouble with that.

  3. Meanwhile, the pilot is heard to have said... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: -1, Troll

    "Listen, I've been from one end of this solar system to the other, and I've never seen anything to make me believe that there's an all-powerful mysterious force making my trajectory drift. I control my own flight vector."

  4. Biblically proven by Anonymous Coward · · Score: -1, Troll

    When the only scientific "theory" that is not in doubt, i.e., the Bible, says that G-d set the stars "in the firmament", of course Believers have no problem with dark matter -- we've been waiting for those who refuse to read to discover the nature of "the firmament" for decades.

  5. Someone has to say it by sammy+baby · · Score: 0, Troll
    Someone has to say it, and likely many people have. Nevertheless:

    effect
    v 1: produce; "The scientists set up a shockwave" [syn {effectuate}, {bring about}, {set up}]

    affect
    v 1: have an effect upon; "Will the new rules affect me?" [syn: {impact}, {bear upon}, {bear on}, {touch on}, {touch}]


    C'mon. Make an effort.
  6. Re:for the love of god, by Anonymous Coward · · Score: -1, Troll

    He used the right word, you fucking stupid cunt. Look it up a dictionary.

  7. Gay ass Trekies always ruin a good story! by syrrys · · Score: -1, Troll

    WTF?! Why do all you lame ass Trekies have to ruin an interesting story with boring and played out Trekie banter? Grow the F**k up!

    --
    "Patience is not a virtue, it's a waste of time."
  8. Hey moderators, get a F**king clue by syrrys · · Score: -1, Troll

    How is my disgust with wasteful comments by loser trekies a troll?! I was just stating how a decent story ends up being a forum for trekies to post their lame comments about anything that can be remotely linked to star trek. I am just sick of it all. Now, HTF is that a troll?! I guess all the moders are gay-ass trekies themselves. Sad, so sad.

    --
    "Patience is not a virtue, it's a waste of time."
  9. Dark Matter my #%@*^@! by WgT2 · · Score: 0, Troll

    Dark matter has got to be the most flimsy piece of science that has come about since the idea of space being full of ether. (How else could light travel from the Sun to the Earth?). It's like inventing truth for the sake of making the world make sense to you or your paradigm.
    Dark Matter is a bunch of bull crap invented to make physicists feel better about not believing in God and His creative powers.

  10. New Moderation scores needed by mustangsal66 · · Score: 0, Troll

    Nerd
    Geek
    Holy crap...get a life

    This post... +5 Geek

    --
    Why worry? Each of us is wearing an unlicensed "nucular" accelerator on his back.
    Sig changed for readability by G.W.
  11. Re:It's the Klingons! by mcovey · · Score: 0, Troll

    It's quite obvious that they have reached the end of the universe and the unforseen forces of God are holding them back so they don't go past the end and force it to collapse into itself.

    --
    Amen.