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Will Your Next Car Run Windows?
An anonymous reader writes "Microsoft is beginning to move into the automotive industry. Their 'Automotive Business Unit' is selling a custom version of Windows CE called Windows Automotive. Microsoft attended a conference in Detroit this week to promote their software."
Great - now I can crash my car even after I've already crashed it.
No more!!!!
Gives a whole new meaning to "SUV" and "crash test"...
"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of" - Ogden Nash
i only drive stick, therefore i'll run linux.
Cogito Eggo Sum, I think therefore I'm a waffle
Please step on brake, gas, and clutch simultaneously to reboot.
You know it's gonna be bad when the windshield turns blue all of a sudden...
In Soviet Russia jokes are formulaic and decidedly non-humorous.
I can see the confusion now...
Geek walks into auto dealer:
"I'd really like a car without Windows, please."
I'll turn into a supernova and burn up everything. Well I'll turn into a black little hole and you'll turn into string.
Okay, I'll admit, you're right. Let's refresh the "Windows-runs-on-xyz" joke pool:
* Will the Home edition be installed on Pintos?
* My car only goes 50mph after downloading SP2 at the pump
* There's a purple gorilla in the back seat reporting my every moves to bonzibuddy.com
* Do I call Redmond to get an activation code when I add a set of fog lights to my car?
* Steve Ballmer says piracy happens because cars are too expensive
and of course
* Does it run on unleaded Linux?
"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of" - Ogden Nash
``BMW is working with Apple to replace its Windows in Car solution with something from Apple.''
Does that mean that future BMWs will have only one pedal?
Please correct me if I got my facts wrong.
What would happen if you clicked 'No' to the EULA? Would you have to return the car for a refund?
BTM
That was the turning point of my life--I went from negative zero to positive zero.
Clippy: you have made a left turn, a right turn, and pressed the brake, it seems you are trying to evade a road hazard.
Clippy: would you like to enable the road hazard wizard?
Driver: Hurridly presses the YES button on the steering wheel?
Clippy: Windows ME (Mobile Edition), has many new features, it now loads faster than ever...you can even shut down unresponsive programs without rebooting. Car now approaching cliff
Driver: WTF, hurry up!
Clippy: Thank, you for installing Windows ME. Would you like to run the AutoEvade Wizard.
Driver: Ithought I just did that, pushes yes.
Clippy: What type of hazard are you trying to evade?
- Pothole
- pedestrian
- CowboyNeal
- The hazard I am trying to evade is not listed here
Driver selects the last option, car is bouncing of the guardrain nowClippy: Windows ME has detected new hardware, and is unable to find a driver for it and must shut down.
Driver: Argrghehahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......$^@$^@^@^3cras h^C^C^CC^C^
[Obligatory "when i was a kid, we didn't need none of that shit" reply]
Man is a slave because freedom is difficult, whereas slavery is easy.
"Not you again," I said.
"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."
"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man looked perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why buy it, if you can't use it?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?"
"Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish."
"Check."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear buttons. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, everyone has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"
"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"No."
"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll give you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did."
"Excuse me?"
"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said.
"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsylvania again. But we did it. So to have you holding out, well, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing to the company. It's embarrassing to the product. It's embarrassing to Bill."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
[voice name="jayleno"]
Say! I wonder if those cool crash testing experts Vince and Larry will be available for promotions!? "You can learn a lot from a dummy!"
What do you do when something goes wrong on a long road trip? "Sorry, ma'am, but the mechanic what can fix that bluescreen of yorn is out fishin' to tomorrah."
Why does my car tell me to "Press the Brake to Go"?
"I was going to get my dangling exhaust pipe fixed, but my wife still likes the drag and drop interface."
I hear the Consumer Reports folks have chimed in on these new computerized dashboards. This is the first year that BMW had more bugs in their product line than Volkswagen!
[/voice]
[
I can just imagine having Windows software in a car. Sure, this Windows Automotive doesn't integrate with low-end systems (brakes) right now, but you know how Microsoft works... embrace and extend. Next thing you know, Clippy will show up on the entertainment console. "You seem to be trying to park your vehicle. Would you like help?"
Having a smoking section in a public restaurant is like having a peeing section in a public swimming pool.
You could have it crash before it crashes.
Things to look forward to:
Reboot on the San Diego Freeway during rush
You turn off the ignition and it asks if you're sure you want to do that
You turn off ignition and it asks if you want to install patches before shutdown (then notice the next morning it's been stuck in a loop installing patches all night [this was the case with my laptop at work])
You can only hook up MS DRM stereos, installed by MCSE's
Blue Windscreen of Death
All the cars in the world get cracked and do syncronized driving or demo-derby
Yet another mandatory service you must have performed by a certified professional for $$$ (all repairs are insanely expensive now, if you haven't had wiring, eletronics, mechanicals, count yourself lucky!)
You keep getting passed by that commie nutjob in the the veedub running Linux, despite Ballmer insisting you should have more power.
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
You win. The thread is done now.
Great - now I can crash my car even after I've already crashed it.
You could have it crash before it crashes.
You can even crash it at the same time! Oh, the possibilities!
Actually, I guess we've exhausted all the possibilities.
Well, that was fun.
Accountability on the heads of the powerful.
Power in the hands of the accountable.
Please step on brake, gas, and clutch simultaneously to reboot.
More like brake, gas, and passenger-side door lock simultaneously
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.