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Ho, Ho, Ho
neutron_p writes "Every Christmas, calculations circulate that cast doubt as to whether Santa Claus could possibly deliver gifts to all the world's good children - and still remain within the laws of physics. To deliver gifts to all who deserve them, they assert, Santa would need to move so fast that he would vaporise due to air resistance, be torn to pieces by gravitational forces or suffer other terrible fates we wouldn't wish for Santa Claus. Now a team of four top researchers looked into the case and concluded: Santa can do the job and Christmas is saved! They concluded that Santa has an ion-shield of charged particles, held together by a magnetic field to solve the heat problem and he probably travels in more than four dimensions." jgaynor writes "Inspired by an old slashdot article , I decided this year to create a 'christmas lights frontend' to our Network Management System. It came out well and has had a definite impact on response times. Videos of the results are here: WMV, AVI, REAL." Mrs. Claus writes "The NORAD Santa Tracker is up and running and ready to track the Big Guy on Christmas Eve. They've got photos of 50 years of catching Santa in the act." And if you didn't listen to the Blizzard Christmas tale we mentioned in the previous post, you're missing out.
He knows when your are sleeping,
He knows when you're on the can,
He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.
You better not breathe, you better not move,
You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.
Santa Claus is gunning you down!
Santa only delivers presents to kids who have been GOOD ALL YEAR.
That brings it down to like 4 or 5, so he really isn't all that rushed.
Santa really needs to consider selling that authoritative list of "naughty" girls. He could make a killing with that thing.
Learning HOW to think is more important than learning WHAT to think.
It's a Festivus miracle!
Santa has been outsourced. We had to do it. For the price of one Santa we got 3 guys from India. The elves have been outsourced, too, from China. Which is actually a good thing. Now we'll all get electronics.
He's actually a Q.
"It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful." - Anton LaVey
Sorry, kids, but NORAD will not be tracking Santa this year. A suit filed in federal court on Tuesday by the ACLU and the People for the American Way alleges that any use of government computers to aid the fat man this year constitutes a clear violation of the separation of church and state.
In a related filing, the ACLU and PFTAW are bringing a class-action lawsuit against Santa, citing numerous cases of unlawful entry, breaking and entering, trespassing, as well as a civil complaint alleging illegal operation of a flying craft without proper inspections, piloting without a license, and flying through restricted airspace without proper security clearance and prior authorization.
Sorry, kids, Christmas is cancelled this year, and for the forseeable future. It looks like Santa will be spending the rest of his life in the pen, making big rocks into little rocks.
The NORAD santa tracker is a complete waste of taxpayer money
For one, I doubt it costs much. For another, it's probably a great morale booster. A world run by accountants might seem cost effective in the short run, but long term nobody would want to live there and the effectivness would be lost to dismal morale.
I'll tell you my gripe with the Santa myth. Young kids have no idea that it's their hard-working, loving parents buying them all the loot, so they ask for all kinds of outlandish stuff. Parents in turn, feel obligated to get this stuff for their children, stressing themselves and their bank accounts.
Then who gets the credit? Not the parents, but a MYTHOLOGICAL man!
Not to mention the fact that it's a bit disconcerting for a child to find out that the whole thing is a big lie.
On a side note -- why do we lie to our children so much anyway? The stork? Santa Claus? These things just make reality more confusing for them. I mean, I know children need magic and mystery and all of that, but they can usually manage to find plenty on their own without being outright deceived.
Disclaimer: Not a parent, but I have a seven year old brother (I'm 21). And yes, we do the whole Santa thing with him, but that's our mom's call, not mine.
vi ~/.emacs
Thousands and thousands of Santas.
Where do they come from? The North pole river. Yeah, that's right. Each Christmas, Santas all swim upstream until reaching the North Pole. After spawning, old Santas lay eggs to produce more Santas. Along with nutrients and materials for growth, these Santa eggs also contain toys, which are molded and shaped in the egg as part of Santa's development process.
Then on December 25th all the Santas begin swimming south in one mass migration - making a streak of red in the otherwise barren north (for this reason, the migration is often known as the yuletide).
Flying reindeer then pick up these Santas to begin the symbiotic relationship - Santas are excellent trackers, capable of finding the incredibly rare forms of food that the reindeer can eat. In exchange, the reindeer carry the Santas to the homes of humans where they can get sustenence by eating milk and cookies.
Most of the time, as a way of ensuring more milk and cookies, the Santas will leave behind their womb toys, or other ones created during the previous year. If frightened, however, the Santas will most often void their bowels, which thanks to a very efficient and unusual digestive system, contain a substance remarkably like coal.
Santa is normally referred to as "he" because it is known that all Santa individuals actually comprise a single semi-intelligent collective being whose thoughts are communicated across the globe by high energy waves, and whose name is most closely pronounced "Santa" given a palate like ours. The Santa being, however, considers this word merely as a singular pronoun.
Now you know how he does it, and what he is. Now let me tell you about the Easter Bunny...
Mod me down and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!