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Ho, Ho, Ho
neutron_p writes "Every Christmas, calculations circulate that cast doubt as to whether Santa Claus could possibly deliver gifts to all the world's good children - and still remain within the laws of physics. To deliver gifts to all who deserve them, they assert, Santa would need to move so fast that he would vaporise due to air resistance, be torn to pieces by gravitational forces or suffer other terrible fates we wouldn't wish for Santa Claus. Now a team of four top researchers looked into the case and concluded: Santa can do the job and Christmas is saved! They concluded that Santa has an ion-shield of charged particles, held together by a magnetic field to solve the heat problem and he probably travels in more than four dimensions." jgaynor writes "Inspired by an old slashdot article , I decided this year to create a 'christmas lights frontend' to our Network Management System. It came out well and has had a definite impact on response times. Videos of the results are here: WMV, AVI, REAL." Mrs. Claus writes "The NORAD Santa Tracker is up and running and ready to track the Big Guy on Christmas Eve. They've got photos of 50 years of catching Santa in the act." And if you didn't listen to the Blizzard Christmas tale we mentioned in the previous post, you're missing out.
Okay guys... what's up?
Did Santa take away your Net connection or something?
I'm pulling 115k/sec on the video downloads and 200k/sec from Blizzard's ftp site...
He knows when your are sleeping,
He knows when you're on the can,
He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.
You better not breathe, you better not move,
You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.
Santa Claus is gunning you down!
It's easy. There just aren't that many kids who deserve presents. Bah. humbug.
Shouldn't our top physicists be working on something more important that Santa Claus? Can their Ion shield protect us against this?
Look folks, can't we just let Santa be the exception where we don't bother applying rules of science! What's wrong with just believing in good ol' fashioned Xmas magic?!
/.
Well, I say the exception to the rule...I use the term 'magic' to explain to my parents how technology works.
Oh, and merry holidays
I'm not stressed. I'm just terribly, terribly alert.
Santa only delivers presents to kids who have been GOOD ALL YEAR.
That brings it down to like 4 or 5, so he really isn't all that rushed.
Santa really needs to consider selling that authoritative list of "naughty" girls. He could make a killing with that thing.
Learning HOW to think is more important than learning WHAT to think.
Not anymore. Dumbledore gave it to Hermione to save Sirius Black.
Santa has been outsourced. We had to do it. For the price of one Santa we got 3 guys from India. The elves have been outsourced, too, from China. Which is actually a good thing. Now we'll all get electronics.
He's actually a Q.
"It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful." - Anton LaVey
Um...adults...there is no Santa...sorry.
No, no, no. Windows computers are purely used as portal into peoples homes. This has been going on since the 90s. That's why all us UNIX and Apple users don't get any presents. At least, that's what my parents told me.
Informative?
(f/x: shakes head in despair...)
Oh Poop! C'mon Mr. Scrooge lighten up. It's Santa Claus, not life or death. No one past the age of about 6-8 really believe in Santa. It's for fun....
They are, Havent you heard, Santa is an anagram of Satan, because of that, Bush is having NORAD track Santa because he's a Pinko-Liberal-Commie-Terrorist. ;)
Am I the only one who figured that Santa probably uses nondeterminism? Any time he has a choice between two houses to deliver to, he delivers to both of them at the same time.
"Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb." - Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Well, I don't anymore.
No kind, gift-giving soul would require RealPlayer to track him!
Click here for a free picture of an iPod!
Echelon system, wiretaps, mail tampering. He deals in the black arts. And then, when the new year rolls around, he sells his list to spammers and the US government. That's how he manages to pay for everything.
I saw a sad thing the other day while shopping at Wal-Mart. There was a dude in a Santa Suit sitting in a chair up front near the check-out stands, and _no one_ was paying him any attention. No mothers shoving their kids up to see Santa, nothing. He just sat there, watching the reality of it all: One goes to Wal-Mart, buys your Xmas stuff, and passes the Big Man right on by. No asking the dude if you were a good little boy or girl, and having him instantly call up your record, and relate that to your chances of getting the gifts you want.
My question is, when, just when, did the "establishment" have Santa run those pesky background checks on the little ones right before Christmas? Was this an invention of the
Elementary School Marms Union? Sure smacks of something your old maid third grade teacher would come up with.
Perhaps the Santa - Database check was dreamed up by depression-era parents too tired to put up with overactive children, so they tied Christmas Presents to Behavior, all
kept on "Santa's List", an impossible database to hack, let alone find.
Anyway, Santa does have a Time Machine, and he has traveled to a place he really does not want to be now...
You yanks always complain about everything... what are you some PC freak that insists everyone says, "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas". Calm down.
Besides, I'm pretty sure it's all voluntary labour on behalf of the officers.
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." - Mark Twain
Sorry, kids, but NORAD will not be tracking Santa this year. A suit filed in federal court on Tuesday by the ACLU and the People for the American Way alleges that any use of government computers to aid the fat man this year constitutes a clear violation of the separation of church and state.
In a related filing, the ACLU and PFTAW are bringing a class-action lawsuit against Santa, citing numerous cases of unlawful entry, breaking and entering, trespassing, as well as a civil complaint alleging illegal operation of a flying craft without proper inspections, piloting without a license, and flying through restricted airspace without proper security clearance and prior authorization.
Sorry, kids, Christmas is cancelled this year, and for the forseeable future. It looks like Santa will be spending the rest of his life in the pen, making big rocks into little rocks.
The elves spend most of the year compiling data on all children. School records, criminal records, first hand surveillance and the like. It was becoming increasingly clear that no one was being good, and Santa was losing his primary asset, that of the ultimate arbiter of good behavior. To solve this, he restructured his parameters and created a system in which every child would be assigned a normalized value. This allows him to simply, a fairly, decide who is naughty and nice. The closer the normalized value is to one, the more nice.
Next Santa throws all children more than two standard deviations out into the naughty pile. This may sound harsh, but if you are nice enough to get above a 0.95, you probably just playing the system, and Santa does not like players. Either group is without merits.
Next Santa takes those in the center, that is one SD out, and subcontract to Wal*mart or Amazon. Since these are just average kids, they can live with average presents.
Finally there are the kids between one and two standard deviations. These are the ones that merit personal, or almost personal, reward or scolding from Santa. The good kids gets a personal visit and a personal gift from Santa. The naughty kids get a Santa branded piece of coal delivered by the special class of santa-like elves.
This system keeps the number of trips that Santa much make to aroud a few hundred million, assuming only about half the world celebrates christmas. This is the most that he can make, which is around five deliveries every millisecond. The implication of this system is that every child must be on their guard to be exactly good enough every year. Any mistake could bump you into the larger class of no Santa visit. This is going to be more important as the world population grows, even if the Christmas celebrating population declines. Certain cost cutting measure have already been instituted, the most significant was in the 1999 season when Santa stopped visiting those that were in the first SD of being 'good'. As the world economy falters, Santa may no longer be able to afford a full night of support, or the gear that allows him to visit all the houses. Any season now, cost cutting and unfair taxes on corporations might force him to visit only those areas in that are friendly to the independent spirit.
"She's a scientist and a lesbian. She's not going to let it slide." Orphan Black
The NORAD santa tracker is a complete waste of taxpayer money
For one, I doubt it costs much. For another, it's probably a great morale booster. A world run by accountants might seem cost effective in the short run, but long term nobody would want to live there and the effectivness would be lost to dismal morale.
I'll tell you my gripe with the Santa myth. Young kids have no idea that it's their hard-working, loving parents buying them all the loot, so they ask for all kinds of outlandish stuff. Parents in turn, feel obligated to get this stuff for their children, stressing themselves and their bank accounts.
Then who gets the credit? Not the parents, but a MYTHOLOGICAL man!
Not to mention the fact that it's a bit disconcerting for a child to find out that the whole thing is a big lie.
On a side note -- why do we lie to our children so much anyway? The stork? Santa Claus? These things just make reality more confusing for them. I mean, I know children need magic and mystery and all of that, but they can usually manage to find plenty on their own without being outright deceived.
Disclaimer: Not a parent, but I have a seven year old brother (I'm 21). And yes, we do the whole Santa thing with him, but that's our mom's call, not mine.
vi ~/.emacs
Reprinted here this morning.
File under 'M' for 'Manic ranting'
Thousands and thousands of Santas.
Where do they come from? The North pole river. Yeah, that's right. Each Christmas, Santas all swim upstream until reaching the North Pole. After spawning, old Santas lay eggs to produce more Santas. Along with nutrients and materials for growth, these Santa eggs also contain toys, which are molded and shaped in the egg as part of Santa's development process.
Then on December 25th all the Santas begin swimming south in one mass migration - making a streak of red in the otherwise barren north (for this reason, the migration is often known as the yuletide).
Flying reindeer then pick up these Santas to begin the symbiotic relationship - Santas are excellent trackers, capable of finding the incredibly rare forms of food that the reindeer can eat. In exchange, the reindeer carry the Santas to the homes of humans where they can get sustenence by eating milk and cookies.
Most of the time, as a way of ensuring more milk and cookies, the Santas will leave behind their womb toys, or other ones created during the previous year. If frightened, however, the Santas will most often void their bowels, which thanks to a very efficient and unusual digestive system, contain a substance remarkably like coal.
Santa is normally referred to as "he" because it is known that all Santa individuals actually comprise a single semi-intelligent collective being whose thoughts are communicated across the globe by high energy waves, and whose name is most closely pronounced "Santa" given a palate like ours. The Santa being, however, considers this word merely as a singular pronoun.
Now you know how he does it, and what he is. Now let me tell you about the Easter Bunny...
Mod me down and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!
Wow, who would of though that /. could be so depressing on xmas eve. Every other post is turning the harmless Santa myth into some from in an ideological battle. Who the hell really cares? It's Santa, he exists as much as we want him to do, and is real because he exists in our heads and collective conscious. Hell, folk, he is as real as George Washington, whom I have never met, or any other historical figure, hell he might be more real than Socrates.
/me realizing how sad it is to be /.ing on xmas eve, goes to help his family make some xmas chili.
Santa Claus is FUN! Boring ideologies aren't, and people who choose them over anything that might bring light to the hearts of children should just, then, shut up for a couple days a year. Let children beleive. It's a harmless tradition. And, I know you won't agree, but holidays are about tradition, not terrorism, coporate monopolies, unjust(or just) wars, and politicians you don't agree with. They are about being happy, making others happy, and being with your family and freinds for one calm, peaceful night of the year. I like my traditions, and am not going to let some mindless idiologues ruin them with their heady political views, or rationalism (for that fact).
Hell, if I was a purely rational individual I wouldn't even be celebrating today, I'd be at work, or something smart. I'm not a Christian, therefore the historical reason for this holiday is personally meaningless to me. But... The deeper reason is just as valid, I'm celebrating my family and freinds, my life, good food, a pretty tree, and the goodies beneath it, in this order.
It is the one bastion of sanity in this world, the holidays. Why don't you just shut up, stop thinking, and go home to whoever you love, and give them something to show you love them.
Diatribe out of the way.
Merry Xmas my fellow geeks!
A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. -edward abbey
Santa gets the job done the same way most Slashdotters do: Through distributed networking.
By that token, his personal existance is irrelevant, as the network continues to exist and operate without the central hub.
Happiness is relative, Based upon the way we live.
History of Santa Claus
1689--Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.
1691--Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons him.
1692--Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703--Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact.
1704--Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.
1705--Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716--After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in his native Germany.
1720--Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged government officials to begin an investigation.
1721--Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release his records.
1722--The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of treason. When news of this breaks, Claus' employees all turn against him and his company.
1723--Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with all of the company's funds.
1724--A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds, however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He is believed to have returned to his North Pole base).
1725--Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.
1725-1734--The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts of toy making and business dealings.
1735--Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the company funds.
1739--The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus' wife dies, accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.
1740--Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.
1745--Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and of his sick father.
1747--Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.
1748--Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.
1753--All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age 89.
1755--The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.
1757--The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus II to begin an ambitious
Buy Steampunk Clothing Online!
I thought the same way you did when I was 21. Just wait until you have kids. The magic of Christmas only exists in children. I, for one, would hate to deny it too them.
"On a side note -- why do we lie to our children so much anyway? The stork? Santa Claus? These things just make reality more confusing for them."
We lie to our children for 2 reasons:
1: To tell a story - in this case a great big story that lasts for years. And at the end of the story, some kids are pissed, some want to read it again.
2: To shield them from that reality to which you are so eager to expose them. Reality sometimes sucks, but that is what parents do - protect their kids from things that suck. Some go overboard and protect them from everything - we call them spoiled. But the kids who aren't protected from anything are far worse off.
As for having my kids feel grateful to Santa instead of me - BFD! I do for my kids because I love them and it's a duty I asked for, not so that I have a little bunch of emotionally indentured servants who "owe" me their gratitude. If I do my job right they will be grateful later. I can wait.
"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." A. Carlson
"Then who gets the credit? Not the parents, but a MYTHOLOGICAL man!"
yes, the lesson which becomes apparent(pun intended) later is that the parents gave just to give, not to recieve anything, including praise.
who tells the stork story? I know of no one who was told that story. The only stork reference I can remember are from dumbo, and varies jokes.
"Not to mention the fact that it's a bit disconcerting for a child to find out that the whole thing is a big lie."
Not really. most children figure it out anf question it. Thats where the rubber meats the road. do you continue with the myth, or explain santa is a way to teach children about giving? Also an opportunity for people to give, just to give.
The Kruger Dunning explains most post on
...but if I had to give up Christmas to get rid of monuments to the 10 commandments, school prayer, abortion clinic bombers and all the other crusaders and proselytizers out of my life, show me where to sign.
ho ho ho