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Next Generation Cat Fight
The gaming industry may be an ever more lucrative business, but in some ways it seems as if kids are still running the place. Gamespot has up an article in which they discuss the nasty things the Big 3 have said about each other. From the article: "Robbie Bach: The other two companies' presentations [at E3] weren't surprising. Sony's [PS3's] capabilities are the same as ours. Nintendo is aiming for the niche market [with its Revolution]. The current-generation Xbox sold more than the PlayStation 2 in North America last Christmas. We will become the market leader with our next-generation console." The Guardian Gamesblog has commentary on this.
And you know who makes out? IBM, they are the core processor for all 3 nextGen consoles. Good for them...
"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." -- Sigmund Freud
No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who plays with 6 controllers?? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office...cause you're fuckin' fired!
VStrider.
Adapted from an onion article: http://www.physics.mcgill.ca/~arobic/funny/Gillett e.html
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of gaming in this country. The Sony Playstation3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Playstation3Turbo. That's three Controllers and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened - the bastards went to four Controllers. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three Controllers and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to Seven Controllers.
James M. Kilts CEO and President, The Sony Company
Sure, we could go to four Controllers next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Playstation3 SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!
You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Sony is the best a man can get.
What part of this don't you understand? If two Controllers is good, and three Controllers is better, obviously Seven Controllers would make us the best fucking gaming that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the gaming game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, Seven Controllers is the biggest chance of all.
Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent - I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more Controllers in there. I don't care how. Make the Controllers so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!
You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make gaming history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that Seven Controllers can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the Seven-blade console becomes the gaming tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.
People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Seven's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary Controllers, my white ass!
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the console game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!
The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, gaming with anything less than Seven Controllers is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."
I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Sony is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, Seven Controllers, sweet Jesus in h
Top 10 Reasons To Procrastinate
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