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Top 10 System Administrator Truths

Posted by CmdrTaco on from the my-users-never-lie dept.

Vo0k writes "What are your top ten system administrator truths? We all know them already, but it's still fun re-telling them. Stuff like "90% of all hardware-related problems come from loose connectors", even though you already know it's true, may save you from replacing the "faulty" motherboard if you recall it at the right time."

36 of 561 comments (clear)

  1. 95% of all problems.... by seramar · · Score: 5, Funny

    ... are operator errors. But you can't tell the operator that.

    --
    australian project gutenberg is better than the original.
    1. Re:95% of all problems.... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      "99% of all problems don't occur when the computer is off. That's why I always keep a pair of well-insulated pliers around."
      -- BOFH

    2. Re:95% of all problems.... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      When troubleshooting SCSI devices, always remember to light the black candles at midnight, and run the silver knife up the goats abdomen.

    3. Re:95% of all problems.... by mrn121 · · Score: 5, Insightful

      I know this was said as a joke, but I see this a lot amongst the geek community, the attitude that users just don't know what they are doing, and that is why they can't make anything work.

      Doing some GUI consultant work and writing a few users manuals for some pretty complex software has taught me one thing: Most user error is the fault of crappy software. A good setup (hardware or software) should be easy to use given the users.

      Now, obviously it is all about knowing the audience. If you are writing an application for use by other software engineers versus people living in an assisted living home, well, that makes a difference, and you certainly can't cater to all people (for example the guy who writes code for a living but can't setup his own email at home).

      The bottom line is, as much as it displeases us, not everyone is a geek. Not everyone cares about the latest firmware for their router, the latest patch for Call of Duty 2, or how to make a projection TV from an old overhead projector and a laptop from eBay. Our job, as geeks, is not to show everyone why they SHOULD care, but rather to make it easy for those who don't care to still do what they need to do.

      Just a few minutes ago I got an email forwarded to me from a "stupid" user who couldn't figure out how to perform what to me seems like a simple task in some software my team wrote. We emailed him the directions, even though they were very clearly stated in the manual that I wrote, but I took it one step further. I submitted a feature request in our bug-tracking database to put a message near where what he was trying to do to explain why that option is grayed out.

      Anyone can write software or setup hardware that has tons of geek features that we all like, but it takes a lot more effort to make the setup actually usable to the target users.

    4. Re:95% of all problems.... by seramar · · Score: 5, Insightful

      I did not say this as a joke, I was surprised it got modded so high. I work at a small service and repair shop, and you'd be surprised how many computers come back within a week or two after leaving the shop because the client did not listen to my suggestions and recommendations. I always tell them, we'd be happier to fix an issue that is caused because you followed our instructions than fixing one because you didn't. Still, they go on, installing file sharing software I did not recommend, ignoring their windows updates, and clicking "yes" or "no" on those bogus system-error messages, as opposed to the red x. And beyond that, we extend the invitation to any client to call us, free of charge, if they're not sure what to do. We're not bastards in here like people at a lot of computer shops, and we're willing to help, for free, if it's not time consuming and we can do it over the phone... but they hardly ever call while they're unsure, but only after they've broken something. I understand that they're not as savvy as us geeks, however, there are a few simple steps that they should follow based on our recommendations. The mechanic tells me to get my oil changed every 2,000 to 3,000 miles, so I listen. The guy at the salt water aquarium store tells me putting an anemonae in a tank is a bad idea, because when it dies (which it will in your little tank) it's going to kill all of your fish, unless you're really lucky... so I avoid the anemonaes. I'm not an expert, so I listen to those who are more knowledgable. Anyway I've talked too much.

      --
      australian project gutenberg is better than the original.
    5. Re:95% of all problems.... by bhadreshl · · Score: 5, Insightful

      The OSI model works in almost all aspects of computing and not just strictly networking.
      Application > Presentation > Session > Transport > Network > Data Link > Physical. This order is actually from layer 7 to 1.
      If you had followed the OSI model, you would've found out that the *first* thing to do would be to check the physical connection (aka power cord) and found your problem right away.

    6. Re:95% of all problems.... by NateTech · · Score: 5, Funny

      Layer 8 - Religion ("We're a Microsoft shop.")
      Layer 9 - Politics ("The boss wants it, even if it's stupid.)

      Both of which are more important than the other 7 layers. ;-)

      --
      +++OK ATH
    7. Re:95% of all problems.... by gstoddart · · Score: 5, Funny
      When troubleshooting SCSI devices, always remember to light the black candles at midnight, and run the silver knife up the goats abdomen.

      I've found for SCSI-2, you want to move the knife in a downwards manner.

      And by the time you're working on low-voltage differential SCSI-3, you want to make a left-to-right transverse cut. The second yellow candle is crucial in this case.
      --
      Lost at C:>. Found at C.
  2. In no particular order.... by FalconZero · · Score: 5, Informative
    Fixing Problems
    ---------------
    • Rebooting Solves 90% of Windows problems.
    • Users are the cause of the problem 90% of the time.
    • The weakest link(s) in your security is/are human.

    Getting Help
    ------------
    • Good manuals should be read before you do anything.
    • Bad manuals should not be read UNDER ANY CIRUMSTANCES.
    • Google is your best freind. ever. period.

    Other People
    ------------
    • Good managers ask for something in 5 days, but need it in 6.
    • Good developers/suppliers promise something in 5 days, but deliver it in 4.
    • "I don't know, but I'll find out" is always better than "I know" (when you don't).
    • Technical support hotlines will invariably tell you what you already know.
    --
    Windows in 6 Bytes (IA-32) : 90 90 90 90 CD 19
    1. Re:In no particular order.... by Hektor_Troy · · Score: 5, Funny
      Good manuals should be read before you do anything.
      Bad manuals should not be read UNDER ANY CIRUMSTANCES.
      Fortunately all manuals come with stickers like "Super manual A+++++" or "Horrible manual, stole my wife, raped my dog F--------".
      --
      We do not live in the 21st century. We live in the 20 second century.
    2. Re:In no particular order.... by hotdiggitydawg · · Score: 5, Interesting

      I was thinking they were talking about "truths about system administrators", not "truths about system administration".

      Anyway, for the benefit of those who haven't seen this (very old and long, but somewhat entertaining) email that was doing the rounds a while ago... disclaimer: someone else wrote it, and I don't know who.

      KNOW YOUR UNIX SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR - A FIELD GUIDE

      There are four major species of Unix sysad:

      1) The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.

      2) The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.

      3) The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.

      4) The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and old COBOL programmers.

      HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:

      -- SITUATION: Low disk space. --

      TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.

      ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.

      MANIAC:
      # cd /home
      # rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;

      IDIOT:
      # cd /home
      # cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress

      -- SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage. --

      TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

      ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

      MANIAC:
      # kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

      IDIOT:
      # compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

      -- SITUATION: New account creation. --

      TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

      ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

      MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."

      IDIOT:
      # cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
      # echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd

      -- SITUATION: Root disk fails. --

      TECHNICAL THUG: Rep

    3. Re:In no particular order.... by Stargoat · · Score: 5, Interesting
      Ten Truths:

      1. Adobe products and antivirus cause the most software problems, but you cannot live without either.
      2. Most computer hardware problems are the result of sticky rolls, janitors cleaning, computers being accidently kicked, or power failures. In that order.
      3. When calling HP or Dell about anything other than servers, you will get bad tech support.
      4. Three year warranties on individual PCs do not matter. On a system with dozens of computers, they pay for themselves.
      5. There will always be a lower price. Get over it.
      6. Phones cannot fail. Five nines of reliability is not good enough.
      7. Documented organization of the network and supplies will save you more time than the knowledge a thousand certifications brings (which isn't that much anyways).
      8. Researching and backing up information before beginning a project is the sign of a professional. So is spelling.
      9. Soft operating expenses are always more expensive than hard operating expenses.
      10. When working on a project, document everything. It is almost never needed, but if your coworkers know you have it, they will not try to screw you.

      --
      Hoist Number One and Number Six.
  3. Never.... by citizenklaw · · Score: 5, Funny

    Never post stupid top ten administrator lists on Slashdot, lest I have to spend my time restoring a web server from backup.

    --
    the future is but past forgotten
  4. Truth... by gowen · · Score: 5, Interesting

    ... even though it's better than it used to be, registry corruption is still the number one cause of boot failures in Windows XP. And the contents ntbtlog.txt and the Recovery Console are still horribly inadequate tools for fixing it...

    --
    Athletic Scholarships to universities make as much sense as academic scholarships to sports teams.
  5. Simple by mysqlrocks · · Score: 5, Informative

    The solution to the problem is almost always simpler than you think. You can often cause more problems trying to fix a problem then the original problem itself. When you try one thing and it doesn't work, reverse the changes before trying the next thing and document each change.

    --
    Bradley Holt
  6. #6.5: by Dirtside · · Score: 5, Funny

    IT'S NOT A CUPHOLDER!!

    --
    "Destroy science and religion. Science would re-emerge exactly the same; but not religion." - Penn Jillette, paraphrased
  7. All I got to say is... by mike77 · · Score: 5, Insightful

    PEBKAC

    --

    --Keeping the flame wars alive, one post at a time

  8. Top 3 by saphena · · Score: 5, Interesting

    1) Never believe anything anyone tells you: always test for yourself.
    2) Always ask the dumb questions: is it switched on?
    3) Reboot cures most things EXCEPT rm -r * when logged in as root

    After that, things could get tricky.

  9. Re:#10 Reboot should be #1 by j-cloth · · Score: 5, Funny

    The other benefit of a reboot is that, in the case of weird problems, even if it doesn't work it gives you two minutes to think about other possible causes without having the user nagging you.

  10. My own list by vaceituno · · Score: 5, Interesting

    -You shall be very pessimistic
    -Make sure you can leave exactly like it was before you touched it.
    -Dont fix what aint broken.
    -Start from a known state of the system (switch off - switch on).
    -Even you are genius level techie, follow the manual, RTFM.
    -Dont reinvent the wheel. Compare with something thats working.
    -Cables are not perfect. If something doesnt connect, check lower levels first.
    -If its there, ther must be a reason. Never ever delete anything. Rename instead.
    -You memory is not infinite. Write what you do.

  11. Power cables don't really "go" bad. by hackwrench · · Score: 5, Insightful

    from bending them around and whatnot, they develop breaks that can get pushed back together. This is what causes the problem to be intermittent. The cable 'is' bad, not going bad. People need to be more careful in wrapping their cords up. There should be a little bit of slack in the loops or else the slightest bit of pressure will cause them to develop a break.

  12. We have the three rules. by LWATCDR · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Rule 1. They lie. End users often tell you what they think you want to hear. When asking a question you should use terms like. What does it say? vs Does it say this?
    Rule 2. They don't know they are lying.
    Rule 3. Sometimes they are telling the truth. Yes sometimes what you think is impossible really is happening or looks like it is happening.

    --
    See my blog http://ilovecookes.blogspot.com/ for light hearted technical information.
  13. Never make system config changes on Friday by winkydink · · Score: 5, Funny

    Unless you lack plans for the weekend.

    --

    "I'd rather be a lightning rod than a seismometer." -Ken Kesey

  14. My 2p by benbean · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Never put the screws back in the case until you've tested your new hardware is working.

    --
    It's a Unix system - I know this.
  15. Top Ten Sysadmin Truths by Golias · · Score: 5, Funny

    Number One: You will die alone.

    --

    Information wants to be anthropomorphized.

  16. Work smatah. by wheezl · · Score: 5, Funny

    If your job requires you to wear a name tag, carry a gun, or administer a Windows system, you have made a serious vocational error.

    --
    -- oh.... so..... sleeeeeepy.
    1. Re:Work smatah. by dosquatch · · Score: 5, Funny
      If your job requires you to wear a name tag, carry a gun, or administer a Windows system, you have made a serious vocational error.

      My job requires me to wear a nametag while administering a Windows network.

      They won't let me carry a gun. Even though I asked really, really nicely.

      Bastards.

      --
      "Hey, the third matrix movie would have been good except for the plot,story, and acting." --AC
  17. 4 Rules by semifamous · · Score: 5, Interesting

    In my Tech Support experience, I have found only three basic rules.

    Rule number 1. People are stupid. This one is true of all people. Tech support, highways, shopping, whatever. This rule has been extended to cover just about any stupid thing that anyone does.
    "Why did that guy just..."
    "Rule number 1."

    "Did she think she could get away with that?"
    "Rule number 1."

    Rule number 2. People lie.
    Me: "Has the computer been restarted since the problem started?"
    Them: "Yes..."
    Me: "OK. Let's try restarting the computer now and see what happens."
    Them: "What do you mean by restart?"

    And when you add 1 and 2 together, you get 3. Sometimes, people are so stupid, they don't know that they're lying. You know these people. They're the ones who have "Windows 2000 XP" or "2000 ME." They're the people for whom "Nothing happens when I try to check my email. Nothing! Just this error message..." Not realizing that the error message is *exactly* what I was looking for. An error message is *not* nothing. Grr.

    There is a fourth rule that also shows up from time to time:
    Rule number 4. No good deed goes unpunished.
    In the famous words of the leader of the Uruk Hai from his battle call at Helm's Deep in The Two Towers: "Grr."

  18. Re:Gunking up the works? by oneiros27 · · Score: 5, Funny
    what can a computer full of dust do to make it not work?

    Spontaneously combust

    Trust me -- you do not want to get that call:

    Caller: You know that machine in (room) that has a sign that says 'do not turn me off'? You: Yes ... what about it? Caller: There's smoke pouring out of it.
    --
    Build it, and they will come^Hplain.
  19. Treat users with respect by fantomas · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Treat users with respect even if they are clearly in the wrong. Don't patronise somebody if they haven't got the first idea about computers: educate, don't insult. I'm not a buddhist but the old karma idea of "what goes around, comes around" seems to play out in the long term. Being patient with somebody who's royally screwed up their computer pays off in six months time when you need them to put your expenses claim through accounts at 5pm on a Friday evening/ notice you standing in the rain by your broken down car/..../

  20. You don't know everything by cprincipe · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Even if you've been doing this for 20 years. If you are working with another technician, have the grace to treat them like an intelligent human being.

    --

    bun-fhuinneog agam!

  21. Just to PO the "Don't post your list here" folks.. by mnemotronic · · Score: 5, Insightful
    Ok, so it's more than 10.

    1. 90% of Windows problems can be solved with a different OS, oops, I mean a reboot.
    2. 5% of the users really know their stuff, and could do your job better than you, but choose not to, because the pay sucks.
    3. Most users, including engineering types who are very intelligent in their own field, know a specific sequence to run the program or programs they normally use. They don't know how to set environment variables, fire up (much less use) a DOS command line, or organize their data in a hierarchical fashion. And, they sure has h*ll don't know how to edit the registry. Don't expect 'em to.
    4. If you don't provide and enforce a directory structure and naming convention on shared/networked drives, users will place every single file and directory at the root.
    5. "MSTSC /console". Don't leave home without it. 50% of the time you can stay home & work in your undies because of it.
    6. Backup servers every night. This'll save your *ss more than once.
    7. When someone is requesting new services or features, learn to ask "What do you really want?". Ask this question a lot. Keep repeating until the requestor finally discovers what he or she reallywants. It won't be obvious to them.
    8. WiFi in the local coffee shop is kewl. That plus VPN is even kewler. But WiFi in the office makes be very nervous.
    9. You never have time to read the magazines you've subscribed to.
    10. The office coffee sucks. Buy a french press & your own coffee. I recommend Ethiopean Yirga Cheff.
    11. You can never have too many bookshelves.
    12. Users will end up going to p0rn web sites. 95% of this is unintentional. The rest you ignore until the user starts whacking off in the office, then you threaten to report them to "human resources" (i.e. the Dept of Political Correctness).
    --
    The Russians have won. They have made the world a cesspool of distrust, greed, fear and hate.
  22. GeekSquad Top Ten? by dada21 · · Score: 5, Insightful

    I have a friend living the GeekSquad life. I'd never hire him as he believes in their process to fix lockups:

    1. It must be this unsupported software: remove Firefox or any F/OSS.

    2. It is a virus, your AV is no good, purchase Norton CoverYourAss v9.6 for $49.95.

    3. The AV doesn't perform a deep clean by itself, we can run one for $24.95.

    4. You need a bigger hard drive, w recommend Norton Ghost to copy it. $199.95 + $49.95.

    5. We should install the drive. $24.95 + $8.95 wrist strap.

    6. We should run ghost for you, $19.95.

    7. You need USB 2.0 ports for your mouse to run faster, $49.95 plus $24.95 installation.

    8. Your hard drive cables are old belt style, you needbthe snappy round cables, $29.95 plus $9.95 installation.

    9. Your video board is old, the ATI MegaWow XL is only $199.95.

    10. You should probably buy one of our Compaq BusinessPro by HP combinations, you burned your TCP/IP converter with static.

    I pop open the discarded PC, replace the processor fan and blow out the case. All is fine - $30.

  23. The Truths of Skippy by EvilTwinSkippy · · Score: 5, Insightful
    1. Fast, Cheap, Right. Pick 2
    2. One must honor the Random Number God with a token offering every morning
    3. Never underestimate the power of imagination, stupidity, or bad luck.
    4. Network equipment's attention span is about as long as it's power cord
    5. Scripting works about as well as the broom from the Sorceror's apprentice: don't let it run unattended.
    6. Your network can be down more often than it's up. If you keep your users in the loop, they will be happy.
    7. Your network can run without fail for months on end, but if a problem happens and they don't hear from you first, you are incompetant.
    8. A User fills out your performance review.
    9. A database is a high performance cache between your backup medium and your application.
    10. Any device that is sufficiently ignored will fail to gain your attention.
    --
    "Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival."
    --Dr.W.Edwards Deming
  24. 95% of bad GUI design.. by C10H14N2 · · Score: 5, Insightful

    ...is the result of trying to implement 100% of user requests. Sometimes, telling the user "no, you simply can't have that" is the best way to ensure an application isn't horribly poisoned by thousands of totally irrational, non-intuitive crap "features" each piece of which makes sense only to the person who requested it. Worse, such design-by-committee applications are invariably written interface-first, back-end last with no regard to how to actually make the goddamned thing WORK, much less work efficiently.

    I agree, good software should be intuitive, but far better to be proactively engineered to be more intuitive, rather than reactively veneered to feel less unintuitive.

  25. Geek aura by CustomDesigned · · Score: 5, Interesting
    Very often, people asking me for technical help have problems that refuse to manifest themselves when I am present. My wife calls this my "aura". It is not just computers. The DVD player doesn't work? As soon as I say, "Let me take a look", those circuits start quaking in their solder boots, and by the time I walk over they have shaped up and start working perfectly - and will keep working for another 6 months at least. But I clean the lens to keep it in a good mood. Refrigerator on the blink? A few comments about it getting old and time for a replacement, and the thing shapes up in a hurry. Of course, cleaning out the blocked air intake helps keep up its morale.

    Seriously, anthropomorphizing machines is a powerful technique. It gives you an approximate but effective mental model of a complex system. "Primitive" cultures are not dumb when they attribute personalities to objects. Our brains are wired to use personality to predict complex behaviour.

    My Mother had no technical skills or knowlege - but she treated the automobile like a pet. She was alert to the tiniest change in sound or vibration of the machine, and very often alerted my Dad to problems long before he was aware of anything. One time, driving across country, my Mom said the right front wheel "didn't sound right". We were cruising along at 70, and everything seemed fine. But she insisted, so my Dad pulled over and checked all the tires. No sign of a problem. He pulled the hub cap off the right front wheel - and noticed that the cotter pin had broken! A few more miles and the wheel would have come off. My Dad panicked, since we didn't have any cotter pins in his repair kit. But my Mom dug in her purse and offered a bobby pin. My Dad didn't want to use it, because it was the wrong kind of metal and would break easily. My Mom said she had more, so he put it in. That bobby pin took us another 5000 miles.

    My Dad does all his own work on his cars - at least he did until he ruined the valves on his Honda Accord a few years ago. Now he lets a mechanic do some stuff for him. I learned to be in tune with machines from my Mom, and learned to fix them from my Dad. When designing file system software back in the '70s, the rhythmic sounds of the disk access mechanism was my best feedback on its efficiency. Those were the days of 14" disk platters.