New Disclaimer for the Internet

Techdirt has an amusing new disclaimer for the internet penned by lawyer David Canton is response to Rob Hyndman's recent discovery of an impressive disclaimer for a rock preserve. From the disclaimer: "Business is unpredictable and unsafe. The Internet is dangerous. Many blogs have been written about these dangers, and there's no way we can list them all here. Read the blogs. The Internet is covered in slippery slopes with loose, slippery and unpredictable footing. The RIAA can make matters worse. Patent trolls are everywhere. You may fall, be spammed or suffer a DOS attack. There are hidden viruses and worms. You could break your computer. There is wild code, which may be vicious, poisonous or carriers of dread malware. These include viruses and worms. E-mail can be poisonous as well. We don't do anything to protect you from any of this. We do not inspect, supervise or maintain the Internet, blogosphere, ISP's or other features, natural or otherwise."

Comments

How about

[Anonymous Coward]

"Use at your own risk."

Like most things in life.

Re:How about

[MOtisBeard]

"WARNING: Modem does not enable user to fly."

Re:How about

[Yvanhoe]

"WARNING: Modem does not enable user to fly."

That I can understand, I'm not stupid, but on the box, they said I could surf with it but it doesn't even float !

Re:Captain of the obvious called

[Ninja Penguin]

But then he was eaten by a Grue. And I think that is a Wumpus I hear behind you. Like they say, the internet is a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. The Internet bites. The Internet bites. You die. --Anonymous Coward, infected by a trojan on his way to goatse.cx, while witless--

Should post that at the entrance to State Parks

[TubeSteak]

"Life is unpredictable and unsafe. The Park is dangerous. Many stories have been written about these dangers, and there's no way we can list them all here. Read the newspapers. The Park is covered in slippery slopes with loose, slippery and unpredictable footing. The animals can make matters worse. Trolls are everywhere. You may fall, be spammed or suffer from a blocked road. There are hidden viruses and worms. You could break your leg. There are wild animals, which may be vicious, poisonous or carriers of dread diseases. These include viruses and worms. Plants can be poisonous as well. We don't do anything to protect you from any of this. We do not inspect, supervise or maintain the Park, newspapers, roads or other features, natural or otherwise."

Too funny..

[Doubting Maxwell]

Too funny.

Life should have a disclaimer, too. Before you leave the womb:

End-User Life(tm) Agreement (EULA)

This will probably suck. You agree not to sue God(tm) or any of His subsidiaries for any negative events that can and will happen.

No guarantees against anything, including loss of life, limb, or property. Live at your own risk.

This transaction is not reversible. You may not re-enter the Womb(tm) once you are born. Check one: [ ] Agree

Re:Too funny..

[LouisZepher]

This transaction is not reversible. You may not re-enter the Womb(tm) once you are born.

This is /., I don't think re-entry is going to be much of an issue for most of the visitors here.

Re:Too funny..

[shutdown -p now]

Won't work, they'll just click through it, knowing they are below the legal age of consent anyway.

Sounds like an AOL for Broadband commercial

[Animats]

"If you have an unprotected broadband connection, your computer is at risk for BTDs - Broadband Transmitted Dangers. BTDs are the hazardous and potentially harmful threats to your computer that can come through your high-speed broadband connection. Some of the most common BTDs include spam, spyware, pornography, viruses, Trojan horses, hackers and identity thieves. ...

A broadband connection is more dangerous than narrowband because of the huge amount of information that is flowing into and out of your home through a high-speed conduit. In addition, most broadband connections are "always on," meaning there are more opportunities for dangerous elements to enter through your connection. Broadband users have to be more careful and aware than ever. ...

Many people think that file-swapping services are an easy way to get free stuff like music, images, games and more. What you may not recognize is the very real threat that these services pose to you and your family. There are no quality controls in place on these unregulated services to ensure that you are getting only what you wanted. And worse, you might get a lot more than you bargained for, like spyware that secretly monitors your computer for third parties who may use the information for sales or even malicious purposes. ...

Hackers and Identity Thieves are criminals that attempt to infiltrate your computer and steal vital and valuable personal information, such as credit card numbers. With an unprotected broadband connection, hackers can walk right into your home and snoop around your personal information. The results can be disastrous - and extremely expensive."

- AOL "Unprotected broadband" promotion.

Slashdot Disclaimer

[xmas2003]

Slashdot has inaccurate stories.
Slashdot has dupes.
Slashdot has trolls and flamers.

Non-subscribers entitled to a full refund if they aren't satisfied.

EULA for the American part of the net

[Anonymous Coward]

the rest of the Internet will carry on regardless

...and wear your sunscreen

[Megane]

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

An old funny disclaimer from a decade ago or so...

[antdude]

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free number before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. Known as Hellman's east of the Rockies. Beware of greeks bearing gifts. Beware of gifts bearing greeks. This side up. Don't take any wooden nickels. Don't take candy from strangers. Void where prohibited. Caveat Emptor (Buyer beware) Caveat Vendor (Beware of street people). Donde esta el bano. Beware of DOS. Look both ways before crossing the street. All your base are belong to us. Always wear safety belt. Always wear deodorant. Don't forget to breathe. If you park, don't drink...accidents cause people. This supersedes all previous notices.

This modified disclaimer may not be copied without the expressed written consent of whoever I stole it from.

It does exist!!!

[antdude]

Doubting Maxwell: There is one already! From my Web site (AQFL):

Hmmph, I didn't know we had End User License Agreement (EULA) to live! Tempnexus's Broadband Reports Security forum thread mentioned a funny spoof for every human who was born. According to this EULA, we seems to come with spywares (God spies on us), and can be infected with bad stuff like virus and trojans. Ending EULA means terminating life. Here's a copy of the EULA:

PLEASE READ this end-user license agreement ("EULA") carefully. By being born, you agree to be bound by the terms of this EULA. If you do not agree, do not exit womb and, if applicable, return to the place of conception for a full refund.

1. GENERAL. This EULA is a legal agreement between you (either an individual or an entity) and the scientific or religious establishment of your choice ("God"). This EULA governs your Life, which includes all seconds from the time you are born until you are legally pronounced dead (. This EULA also governs the container supplied with your Life ("Body") and any support services ("miracles") relating to Life except as may be included in another agreement between you and God. An amendment or addendum to this EULA may be presented to you by your retail suppliers ("Parents").

2. THE PARENT PROGRAM. All complaints and technical support requests should be addressed to your Parents, who may or may not, depending on the subscription level you have elected, offer you additional warranties. Parents are third-party components, and not subject to warranties under this EULA. God is not liable for the quality, competence, character, number, gender, species, ethnicity, religious affiliation, or presence/absence of your Parents, or for the quality of the relationship between them, if any, and does not supply technical support for Parental units. Any Parent may be terminated or exchanged at any time without notice and without recourse.

3 CONSCIOUSNESS. To reduce piracy, God requires certain components to be activated. The license rights granted under this EULA are limited to the first five times you gain Consciousness ("Wake up") after you are Born unless you supply the information necessary to activate your Life. You may also need to reactivate your Life if you modify your Body or alter your Consciousness. God will not collect any personally identifiable information from your DNA during the activation process without your consent.

4. DIGITAL RIGHTS MANAGEMENT. Content providers are using digital rights management technology to protect the integrity of their content so that their intellectual property, including copyright, in such content is not misappropriated. If your Brain's security has been compromised, content providers may request that God revoke your right to copy, display, and/or play protected content. Revocation does not alter your Brain's ability to access unprotected content, if any exists.

5. OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCES. Your Life may not be shared or used concurrently among different Bodies.

6. YOU ALSO AGREE:

a. Not to remove or obscure any copyright, trademark or patent notices ("Birthmarks") that appear on the Body as delivered to you;

b. To indemnify, hold harmless, and defend God from and against any claims or lawsuits, including attorneys' fees, that arise or result from the use or distribution of the Life;

c. That God reserves all rights not expressly granted.

3. RESERVATION OF RIGHTS AND OWNERSHIP. God reserves all rights not expressly granted to you in this EULA. The Life is protected by copyright and other intellectual property laws and treaties. God or Its suppliers own the title, copyright, and other intellectual property rights in the Life and in any derivative works produced by you during the course of your Life. The Life is licensed, not sold.

4. MEMORIES. You may make a single back-up copy of the Life. You may use one (1) back-up copy solely

Disclaimer for Linux

[bananaendian]

Installing Linux is complex and difficult. Distros are halfbaked and unpredictable. Many books have been written about these dangers, and there's no way we can list them all here. Read the books.

The install process is covered in steep learning curves, slippery catches and unstable automated functions. Having a non-standard set of hardware will make matters worse. Mindbogling jargon is everywhere. You may fail, crash or otherwise fail catastrophically at any time. You could break your multi-boot partitions. There are hidden rules and things to know. Carry install disks, backups and a spare windows machine at all times.

Asking for help won't work. The wild linux-know-it-all snobs are ready to bounce at your pitiful requests for explanations, with vicious, poisonous comments about newbies and reading the man pages. We don't do anything to protect you from any of this. By using a free open source operating system, you are agreeing that we owe you no hint of advice or any other care. We promise you nothing. We do not and will not even try to keep the premises safe for any purpose. This is no joke.

We won't even try to warn you about any dangerous or hazardous condition, specially if we know about it. We may or may not make an effort to fix an unsafe condition, and we may make matters worse! Sorry, we're not responsible. We may give you bad advice just for fun. So don't listen to us. In short, ENTER AND USE LINUX AT YOUR OWN RISK. And have fun!

PS: Here is the original disclaimer which is way more funnier and actually quite true considering the dangers at that Preserve. --- www.tribalnetworks.org

What about Dupes?

[drewzhrodague]

Slashdot has inaccurate stories. Slashdot has dupes. Slashdot has trolls and flamers.

Hay, and don't forget, Slashdot has dupes!

How about?

[K8Fan]

How about a classic one:

"The Internet is full. Go away.

New disclaimer?

[springbox]

I liked the old one better

Life's gonna suck when you grow up

[RiffRafff]

Life's gonna suck when you grow up, when you grow up, when you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up, it sucks pretty bad right now
Hey, if you know the words, sing along
You're gonna have to mow the lawn, do the dishes, make your bed
You're gonna have to go to school until you're seventeen
It's gonna seem about three times as long as that
You might have to go to war, shoot a gun, kill a nun
You might have to go to war when you get out of school
Hey cheer up kids, it gets a lot worse
You're gonna have to deal with stress, deal with stress, deal with stress
You're gonna be a giant mess when you get back from the war
Santa Claus does not exist, and there is no Easter Bunny
You'll find out when you grow up that Big Bird isn't funny
Life's gonna suck when you grow up, when you grow up, when you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up, it sucks pretty bad right now
You're gonna end up smoking crack, on you're back, face the fact
You're gonna end up hooked on smack and then you're gonna die
And then you're gonna die

Dennis Leary

http://lyrics.rare-lyrics.com/D/Denis-Leary/Life's -Gonna-Suck.html