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ISECOM's Top 10 Real Computer Crimes

Posted by ScuttleMonkey on from the internet-stds dept.

thelordx writes "ISECOM, the Institute for Security and Open Methodologies, has just posted their Top 10 Real Computer Crimes for 2007 and Beyond. This list runs the gambit from poorly designed patches to chlamydia! It's entertaining, but also scary, as many of us could fall victim to some or all of them."

37 of 155 comments (clear)

  1. Crimes against the English Language by plover · · Score: 5, Insightful

    #11. Incredible run-on sentences that are in a difficult-to-read font and are not punctuated and sometimes written in the second person familiar and sometimes they changed tense and ended illogically disconnected from their premises even though you read them through to the end.

    --
    John
    1. Re:Crimes against the English Language by owlnation · · Score: 5, Funny

      Yep, looks like they had a Christmas works party and then all got together and wrote this article while considerably boozed up. Gawd knows what this article is really about.

      Chlamydia from a computer? Erm, no. Those folks need to do a little reading.

      For those few of you who usually read the full article, this time, do yourself a favor and don't. It just hurts your head.

      And the really bad thing is that, if this was a post-party post, there's not a single scan of the secretary's ass from the photocopier. So, I guess the party sucked too.

    2. Re:Crimes against the English Language by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Informative

      Also, from the summary, one "runs the gamut"; you cannot run a "gambit". A gambit is a trick or move designed to gain advantage. A gamut is an entire range of things.

    3. Re:Crimes against the English Language by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      So Im sitting here and Im trying to figure out whats so goddamn special about anime. Im still trying to figure that out. Theres got to be a free dose of heroin in every DVD or something. Because you know, I cant walk out of the fucking door without someone talking about Inuyasha, and holy fuck Trigun is just the bees knees. Im taking a dump; Im sitting on the toilet wiping my ass with bible pages (because thats what I use when I run out of toilet paper.) And someones going to be standing there talking about how big of a boner they get over Tank Police and Neon Jell-O Evangelist or whatever the fuck.

      So Im thinking Wow gee hosifat, this anime stuff has got to be some nifty shit. There had better be some sliced bread out there that cant get work anymore over this shit. The last time people had this much fun they just discovered they could get drunk and beat their kids. So this shit had better be able to cure AIDS and kill nuns its that fucking great. Old people had better be turning off the I Dream of Jennie reunion to watch this shit its that fucking great.

      So I sit down to watch anime. And its not that hard because its on every fucking channel. Six hundred and fifty trillion channels and their all playing anime twenty four hours a day. So I pick a channel and I sit down to watch it; and its not like I havent seen anime before you know, but every time I happen to mention that I dont personally like it, someones head will pop out from under the nearest rock and say But have you seen it lately? Its not like Sailor Moon anymore! Because apparently the last five years has done for anime what silicon did for Alyssa Molino, you know.

      So Im sitting in my chair and I turn on the anime and Ive got my dick in my hand ready to jerk it to happy oblivion because apparently its that fucking important. And hey, check this out, its the same three-frame per second six-color crap it always was! You can watch this shit with Shockwave on a 486 and there wouldnt be any difference.

      And its because we incinerated all of Japans in-between artists at the end of World War 2 I know it. They cant make an hour long cartoon with more than a hundred frames in it because theyve only got three mother fuckers left who can draw.

      And I cant jerk off to this, my dick would never respect me again. But suddenly, everyones flooding in my room and theyre like Ohh youre watching Otagotcha Watamotigotchimona. This is the best show in all fucking existence. And now theyre jerking their dicks off, and all I can think is that they dont deserve their dicks. What the fuck is making everyone go so batshit over anime?

      And then it occurs to me, its fucking El Niño. Yeah, thats what it is. Some guy gets caught raping a dead squirrel and someones going to blame El Niño for it. This is all El Niños fault because thats where the aliens live with their damn mind rays that are making everyone fucking retarded. Fuck South America!

      So I fire a bunch of nukes at South America so everyones heads will suddenly be extracted from their asses again. And I do it anime style too, I narrate it as Im doing it. So, Im like Ohh, did you know that I would send the most powerful force in the universe to destroy you today, but now you know because Im the great warrior Anonymous, whos spirit was imprisoned by the god of penile dysfunction over a thousand years ago and have been waiting to be awakened this very day by the magical sound of the very last human putting his head up his ass, ohhh.

      Because thats a wonderful story you know, thats what makes anime so wonderful its the story. Its the stories that make the anime so wonderful. The stories, thats what it is. You know, only their not stories! Ohh telling a thousand years of history in thirty seconds in the middle of a movie, when you do that, thats not a fucking story. Thats the fucking cincher OK? When you do that in the middle of a mental hospital theyre give you a fucking lobotomy.

      So I launch the nukes at South America, and their like Anonymous you bastard! and

    4. Re:Crimes against the English Language by GigsVT · · Score: 2, Insightful

      That post had more run-on sentences than the article, but was actually 100 times more entertaining. Thanks.

      --
      I've had enough abrasive sigs. Kittens are cute and fuzzy.
    5. Re:Crimes against the English Language by cas2000 · · Score: 3, Funny
      Chlamydia from a computer? Erm, no. Those folks need to do a little reading.


      either that or you're just naive and unimaginative :-)


      For those few of you who usually read the full article, this time, do yourself a favor and don't. It just hurts your head.


      the article attempts to be funny but only manages to be completely lame.

    6. Re:Crimes against the English Language by poopdeville · · Score: 2, Informative

      A gambit is more than just a trick or move to gain advantage. It requires a material sacrifice. And yes, you can run a gambit. That phrase just doesn't mean what the author thinks it does.

      --
      After all, I am strangely colored.
    7. Re:Crimes against the English Language by Antos700 · · Score: 2, Insightful

      I think you need to do a little re-reading. That particular point was just saying that if you are willing to browse dodgy websites, then expect the same results as associating with easy partners (i.e your gonna catch a virus.)

    8. Re:Crimes against the English Language by jacquems · · Score: 2, Insightful

      Chlamydia from a computer? Erm, no. Those folks need to do a little reading.

      Ok, not directly from the computer itself, but I can see how this scenario could happen. Teens are using instant messaging in astounding numbers these days. I also recently found out that the incidence of STDs among teenagers is way higher than I ever imagined it to be (and many teens don't know they're infected, further spreading STDs). So, here's how it could happen: two teenagers meet and start flirting through instant messages (or other chat). They decide to meet in real life and have sex. One of them has an STD (let's say chlamydia), and now the other one is infected. Granted, they may or may not have met each other in real life without the chat, but in this case the computer was where the relationship started, and therefore it is indirectly responsible for teen #2 getting chlamydia.

      I should probably point out that I met my husband on IRC, and I have my own story about how computers literally changed my life. I probably wouldn't have ever tried IRC if I hadn't been interested in the demoscene. I wouldn't have known about the demoscene if I hadn't met my first boyfriend. I wouldn't have met my first boyfriend if I didn't call BBSs. I wouldn't have called BBSs if I wasn't interested in computers. I wouldn't have been as interested in computers as I was if we didn't start using them at school when I was in the first or second grade. So in a very real way, if it hadn't been for computers (and especially IRC), I would not be married to my husband, and our daughter would not exist.

    9. Re:Crimes against the English Language by poopdeville · · Score: 2, Interesting
      A gambit requires a material sacrifice. Otherwise it's just a move or a ploy. Really.

      It's originally a chess term, for an early material sacrifice that gains (usually) positional advantage. In particular, the loss of a pawn isn't a big deal if it causes the opponent's pawn structure to restrict their movement. Most gambits are pawn sacrifices, though ballsy players might got for a bishop or knight gambit. From the Italian 'gambetta', a wrestling term meaning 'to trip up by the heels'.

      To be fair, I'll note the "usage note" at answers.com:

      Critics familiar with the nature of chess gambits have sometimes maintained that the word should not be used in an extended sense except to refer to maneuvers that involve a tactical sacrifice or loss for some advantage. But gambit is well established in the general sense of "maneuver" and in the related sense of "a remark intended to open a conversation," which usually carries no implication of sacrifice.


      I'm obviously one of the critics, though the only times I've seen the word 'gambit' in literary uses, it has corresponded to the material loss sense.
      --
      After all, I am strangely colored.
    10. Re:Crimes against the English Language by markild · · Score: 3, Funny

      For once, there's actually a reason for these comments. Usually they're just your average troll, but damn..

      Also, the guy that wrote that piece of crap should read this --> http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2002/10/11

      --
      Scully: Should we arrest David Copperfield?
      Mulder: Yes we should, but not for this.
  2. hwah? by yagu · · Score: 4, Insightful

    I don't know much about ISECOM, but aside from being virtually indecipherable reading, I don't find their list: 1) to be crimes (necessarily) and/or b) credible.

    Consider #7 (a short and sweet one):

    Your bank will add more small print and find new ways to charge for internet-enabled things they save money on but they call it a new service so you pay more for it.

    I have had more distaste for the banking industry over the last ten years... but banks are in a competitive market (so far), and are fairly tightly regulated. Their internet-enabled "things" may or may not save them money, a lot of times maybe not, but more fairly would be described as poorly implemented and hardly worth paying for. Banks, OTOH, are allowed to charge for their services, poorly implemented or not.

    Also, consider "crime" #9:

    The sweet girl from procurements with the pink-laced keds gets caught selling toner cartridges on E-bay which she stole from your office printer and she tells the boss that she didn't know it was from there because you gave it to her and when they go to investigate they find some work documents on your personal USB key drive that you needed to move files to another computer in a department with a printer that still had toner along with a file full of MP3s and spreadsheet full of numbers you'd been toying with to see if it's feasible to start your own competing business.

    Consider it not so much for considering as much as for just plain interpreting it... aside from the fact it's a multi-runon (I think) sentence and it's a hundred words (give or take), I'm not sure what it's saying.

    This article probably shouldn't have been posted. (Nor, I guess, should this post... sigh.)

    1. Re:hwah? by russotto · · Score: 2, Insightful
      The sweet girl from procurements with the pink-laced keds gets caught selling toner cartridges on E-bay which she stole from your office printer and she tells the boss that she didn't know it was from there because you gave it to her and when they go to investigate they find some work documents on your personal USB key drive that you needed to move files to another computer in a department with a printer that still had toner along with a file full of MP3s and spreadsheet full of numbers you'd been toying with to see if it's feasible to start your own competing business.
      Consider it not so much for considering as much as for just plain interpreting it... aside from the fact it's a multi-runon (I think) sentence and it's a hundred words (give or take), I'm not sure what it's saying.

      Allow me to interpret. Basically what happened to this poor guy is

      1. The printer in his department was out of toner, so
      2. He used his personal USB key drive to copy files to another department's computer (i.e. sneakernet); he then printed the documents on that department's printer
      3. The reason the printer was out of toner was that someone from procurements -- identified as a "sweet girl with pink-laced Keds" -- was stealing them and selling them on eBay
      4. Said "sweet girl" fingered (the implication is "falsely") our protaganist as the source for the toner cartridges, and denied knowing they were stolen from his department's printer
      5. The company investigated and found out about the work documents on the personal USB key (presumably a policy violation)
      6. The personal USB key also contained MP3s (probably also a policy violation) and a spreadsheet which he had made up investigating the feasibility of starting up a competing business (definitely something to be fired over). It's implied the company investigators found these too.

      Just not his day.

      So the sentence may have been difficult to decipher, but it did pack a lot of information into a small space. Perhaps one day we'll be welcoming our intuitive stream-of-consciousness interpreting overlords?

    2. Re:hwah? by chris_eineke · · Score: 3, Funny
      Perhaps one day we'll be welcoming our intuitive stream-of-consciousness interpreting overlords?
      I thought Perl 6 was still under heavy development.
      --
      "All you have to do is be fragile and grateful. So stay the underdog." Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
  3. Missing: by Lord_Slepnir · · Score: 3, Insightful

    11. ISECOM using run on sentences on just about every point in that article making it impossible to read, leading to people who have competent english skills to go insane from the lack of a breaking point even though all ISECOM has to do is to look between the comma and the slash keys and press that damn button once or twice during the duration of thier insane rants that don't really make any sense anyway.

  4. We are victims by siriuskase · · Score: 2, Funny

    Many /.ers are victims of an STD? How did that happen?

    --
    If you must moderate, please moderate as irrelevent, not something bad, because I'm sure someone will find this interest
    1. Re:We are victims by fireman+sam · · Score: 2, Funny

      By not washing your hand before or after.

      --
      it is only after a long journey that you know the strength of the horse.
  5. Please.... by djupedal · · Score: 3, Insightful

    "It's entertaining, but also scary, as many of us could fall victim to some or all of them."

    Wow - entertaining, scary AND the possibility of victimization! All this story needs is some popcorn and gratuitous sex!!!

    For the record - the story is neither entertaining nor scary, and just because you're stupid enough to fall prey doesn't mean the general population is in the same boat.

  6. Useless by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Sweeping generalizations, unrealistic scenarios, and poorly written run-on sentences. This sounds like it was written by a 12-year old girl. Thanks for the heads up on yet another organization to completely ignore in the future.

  7. Wow by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 4, Insightful

    Worst. List. Ever.

    I think my brain just screamed from the horrible, horrible sentence structure. What, was this written by a seven year old?

    1. Re:Wow by TheVelvetFlamebait · · Score: 2, Funny
      What, was this written by a seven year old?
      im seven and an half actualy
      --
      You know, there is a difference between trolling and pointing out the flaws in your reasoning. Just saying.
  8. huh? by BerkeleyDude · · Score: 2, Informative
    Why is this on slashdot?

    Your computer will probably crash a lot or at least reboot for no apparent reason but most likely due to some patch you got through an automated update which you are told to do for security reasons because apparently security and stability are incompatible.

    Come on... That's like saying, "Something will probably go wrong because someone will mess something up, and it's not my fault, and I can't do anything about it, and in fact, I have no idea what I'm talking about."

    1. Re:huh? by plover · · Score: 2, Funny
      Actually, that sounds a lot like a phrase from Weird Al's Your Horoscope for Today

      Taurus
      The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
      --
      John
  9. sounds familiar by illuminatedwax · · Score: 2, Insightful

    This article just keeps talking in one incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one could interrupt it was really quite hypnotic.

    (Tagged justkeepstalkinginoneincrediblyunbrokensentencemov ingfromtopictotopic)

    --
    Did you ever notice that *nix doesn't even cover Linux?
  10. Excellent article by joe_cot · · Score: 2, Insightful

    I now have this saved as the moment when slashdot jumped the shark. Now to see if I can find any prior art...

  11. In a slashdot first by MEGAMAID · · Score: 5, Funny

    For the love of god please don't RTFA! It hurts.

    --

    Waking Up - There must be a better way to start the day.
  12. Chlamydia? by oohshiny · · Score: 2, Funny

    Getting Chlamydia requires intimage physical contact; I don't think there is much risk there for Slashdot members.

  13. How many slashdotters... by Bananatree3 · · Score: 2, Funny

    Googled "chlamydia"? Hmm? Hhhhmmmmm?

  14. Re:One of two things happened here... by Kabuthunk · · Score: 4, Insightful

    Oh, I saw that it was a joke site, and in no way serious.

    Just a really, really pathetic attempt at humour, and fails miserably. It's below medeocre no matter what level you look at it. Either for humour, or serious... this article fails horribly. I have no clue why someone slashdotted it.

    --
    Planet Zebeth - Metroid with a twist
  15. It's all a joke... by Darundal · · Score: 2, Informative

    Check out the "about us" section, original name of the group was the "Ideahamster Organization." Just think about the acronym for a second. Sound it out. I...See...C(u)m. One big joke to fool around with the Slashdot crowd, and probably a few other news blogs too. Don't be surprised if you see this on Fark or digg...

  16. Not a serious article by HeadlessNotAHorseman · · Score: 2, Insightful

    Why are people criticising the article as if it is serious...it's obviously a joke. The run-on sentences, the crazy associations (bruised knee!) etc...it's funny! I suppose every person has a different sense of humour (I know people who think that "Little Britain" is funny!) but I'm surprised that people mistook it for a real article.

    --
    I like my coffee the way I like my women - roasted and ground up into little tiny pieces.
    1. Re:Not a serious article by rolyatknarf · · Score: 3, Insightful

      Nobody thought it was serious and nobody thought it was funny. It was just bad.

  17. Candidates for ISECOM's #11 by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    You are using your laptop in the toilet and then the toilet comes to life and eats your laptop and then you fight the toilet with a whip Indiana Jones style and then it wins and eats you and belches out the words 'Who's the boss?!' and then it wins an Emmy Award and becomes president of the United States of America.

    Makes about as much sense.

  18. Don't think so. by ajs318 · · Score: 2, Funny

    Having read that list, I don't think any of them are likely to happen to me.

    1. Unlikely. If my computer ever crashes, it does so for a reason. The software I am using has been independently audited. I've read the Source Code of some of it myself.

    2. Unlikely. I know how to use locate.

    3. Unlimited traffic. Static IP. Anything less is not a proper internet connection.

    4. Bloody unlikely. I use a web browser, not a virus magnet. That's on top of an Operating System which is immune to viruses, spyware and adware -- by design.

    5. I know how to turn off Bluetooth. So does anyone who has to pay for their electricity by the joule.

    6. It's right there in the Terms and Conditions of my bank account: We will never ask you for personal information via the Internet. And it means what it says.

    7. See 6. Anyway, there are only two ways my bank could add an "internet-enabled" service I'd actually use: let me take a photo of a pile of pound notes and coins, upload it and pay it into my account; or let me print pound notes on my own printer.

    8. I don't buy software, I download it using apt-get. What is a CD key?

    9. Bit far-fetched. Anyway, if anybody's going to be selling off the toner cartridges, it's me!

    10. Unlikely. I don't travel by air anyway.

    --
    Je fume. Tu fumes. Nous fûmes!
  19. Lame comments by stewbacca · · Score: 3, Insightful

    The only thing worse than the below-average attempt at humor in this article is the sheer number of slashdot people who don't even get it is a joke in the first place (even if the joke isn't that funny). Seriously, get out and get some air.

  20. Cretans? by Porchroof · · Score: 2, Insightful

    Wow.

    Most of the posts in this thread apparently were made by cretans.

    The article in question was obviously written as humor.

    The article in question was indeed funny.

    The long sentences are a device to show impatience, to show that the writer's mind is working faster than his typing fingers. (Has any of you ever heard the Old Philospher? Not the same, but a similar device is used: successive questions.)

    To top it off, some posters even found this thread as an opportunity to bash Microsoft!?! (I'm beginning to believe that most viruses, trojans and worms are written by *nix creeps in a misguided effort to prove that Microsoft is evil and that users of Microsoft products are stupid for using those products.)

    --
    Fata viam invenient.
  21. Re:Sarcasm. by tehcyder · · Score: 2, Funny
    Sarcasm is supposed to be funny.
    Oh, yes, absolutely it has to be funny! You're so right!
    --
    To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it