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Microsoft Segments Linux "Personas"
RJ2770 writes "Microsoft has started a project for their partners to help identify the personas of different Linux users in an attempt to sway them toward Microsoft products. In addition to the web site there is a podcast on the market research behind the project, again directed at Microsoft's selling partners."
I guess MS can control /. and already knows that I won't be swayed, since I got a "nothing to see here message"
The real "Libtards" are the Libertarians!
#6: People who hate Microsoft, and would prefer to use an abacus to MS software (37% of slashdot users)
MS should really start by figuring out what is useful for their users, then for Mac/Linux/BSD/something else users want.
I personally wonder at what point "innovation" was defined as get in the way of the two functions all ones users need. Just make an OS which is fast/efficient and doesn't throw up cryptic error messages regularly and I will be reasonably happy with whatever else goes on.
Linux users are, among other things:
* People who like knowing what their computer is up to (kind of like motorheads for the information age);
* People who don't like M$ deciding how their computers will work;
* People who don't want to spend money when a more reliable solution exists for Free;
* People who believe that competition is a Good Thing (tm);
* People who resent being called pirates (at least without being able to make others walk the plank!)
Paleotechnologist and connoisseur of pretty shiny things.
What is a Microsoft sales troll supposed to do about the missing entries:
:) Come on, come try and sell me some Windows Server 2003 licenses.
FSF True believer: If it ain't Free it isn't an option.
Disgusted Ex Microsoft customer: Experienced Microsoft products since they were in ROM chips and hasn't found one yet that wasn't a roach motel. Doesn't plan on wasting money on more of the crap until they manage to get several in a row right... i.e. never.
Political MS hater: Hates evil corporations in general, believes Microsoft more evil than Exxon-Mobil, AT&T, IBM or the MPAA. Believes Microsoft is an unrepentant monopolist hellbent on enslaving the world.
Then there is me, a little bit of all three.
Democrat delenda est
Microsoft has been taking Linux seriously for some time. That's why they underwrote SCO's bullshit action against IBM. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to be the guy reporting to Ballmer "They reason they like Linux is because they think you're a lying, thieving fuck with anger issues."
The world's burning. Moped Jesus spotted on I50. Details at 11.
The world's burning. Moped Jesus spotted on I50. Details at 11.
They forgot to list the segment of the population who hate Microsoft passionately - due to their business practices, their monopoly, their DRM, their lack of ethics, their EULA which forces you to give up your freedom of speech, their proprietary file formats, their Microsoft Word specifically, and perhaps more reasons.
And then there are the people who believe that Linux has superior design, that the user is more in control of what the computer does, that linux is more virus-resistant, easier to work with and so on.
I think Microsoft should divide all the "win over" percentages on their website by 10.
"Linux Experimenter" = Bi-curious. A bit dangerous, but let's not worry too much and just scare them straight.
"Market Follower" = MS bitches. We own these fuckers!
"Application Driven" = Dangerously misguided. Brainwashing might be needed, just to set them in order.
"Linux Aficionado" = Stupid, hopeless nerds. Recommended solution: hire hitman.
"Unix transitioner" = Head case. Keep distance.
For those too lazy to watch the presentation, here are the personas:
Linux Experimenter Characteristics: "Tester" of Linux, willing to try Microsoft, Windows is the default choice for servers.Sales pitch: don't experiment, use Windows, it's tried and true. Market Follower Characteristics: Prefer Microsoft, risk-averse, don't really like Linux.
Sales pitch: Windows is the best in the enterprise. Look beyond initial cost to maintenance and reliability. Application Driven Characteristics: Like Linux because it works and it's reliable.
Sales pitch: more productivity and lower TCO with Windows. Linux Aficionado Characteristics: Believe Linux is just better.
Sales pitch: lower TCO, more reliable, remember to avoid Microsoft vs Open Source. UNIX Transitioner Characteristics: Wants to take UNIX apps to Linux, not familiar with Windows.
Sales pitch: IIS is more secure, better TCO.
Okay.... I'll resist the temptation to talk about chairs, and start taking Microsoft seriously. I'm a Linux user in some MS category, and a marketing team from MS has flown down to my office from Seattle. What next?
H HH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I expect that for the next few weeks the majority of the "Linux community" will be on the floor foaming and making lame jokes about Bob and flying chairs.
Microsoft is taking you seriously now - you better start doing the same thing."
MS Team: We are very serious!
Me: Shall I call an ambulance?
MS Team: No no no.... we are very serious about you, a Linux user.
Me: I see... take your chairs..... ooops take your seats and let's talk seriously.
MS Team: We are serious about you. Which category Linux user are you?
Me: I'm just a Linux user.
MS Team: Are you an experimenter, follower, aficionado, transitioner or...
Me: I'm just a normal Linux user.
MS Team: Before we talk among ourselves in the presentation we must classify you. Why do you like Linux?
Me: Because it works all the time, gets my work done, doesn't bother me with Genuine Updates.
MS Team: But we are serious about security. Is Linux secure? Are you secure?
Me: I'm very serious about my job security. I've been running this Linux server app for over 5 years, no problems till date... just user management and the odd feature upgrade.
MS Team: We are serious about security. Did you know that the London stock exchange uses Windows Servers because of security?
Me: How much did they pay for the servers?
MS Team: We are serious about security. Hmm... let's see... just a few million quid...
Me: My job will be gone if I bought your servers for 'security' reasons... what is this security you talk of?
MS: We are serious about security... our server is so secure no one can break in... we'll be monitoring it ourselves to see nothing touches your server... only licensed signed applications will run... unlike your Linux box which runs everything.
Me: Will it run my application?
MS Team: We are serious about security. Have you got it certified by Verizon?
Me: Nope... why should I certify MY program which I wrote with some XYZ comapny?
MS Team: We are serious about security. How else can we know your app is not a virus?
Me: But why would I write a virus on my own server?
MS Team: We're serious about security. How do we know who wrote it? We've got to certify everything that runs on your server.... we're serious about security.
Me: What if I perform some feature upgrades? Should those be certified as well?
MS Team: We are serious about security. Every program has to be certified.
Me: I'd be damned if I'm gonna send every bit of code to you guys for labelling.
MS Team: We are serious about security. How else will you be secure?
Me: Maybe because I believe in myself and my programming skills?
MS Team: We are serious about security. Are you a certified programmer?
Me: Nope.... but I'm sure each one of you is Certified.... idiots, that is. Now get the hell outta here and get yourselves certified again. Seriously!
MS Team: We are serious about you, a Linux user. We are serious about security.
Me: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you keep throwing chairs, one day you'll break windows....
Eh, fuck 'em. You can't stop people from working on software in their free time and giving it away.
Not everyone cares about "beating" Microsoft.
Maybe not
"Try actually reading the website "
I did, it crashed my browser.
"You can't fight in here, this is the war room!"
I think it should be pointed out that not all Linux users are unwashed hippies. Some are unwashed punks. Others are unwashed geeks. But yes, it is fair to say that all of them are unwashed.
Hopefully I didn't put any [] around my words.
In other news, cigarette companies are profiling non-smokers to look for areas to expand their market share. They defined 5 distinctly different profiles of non-smokers who are targets for conversion. These coorespond exactly to the Microsoft categories.
... if he doesnt start smoking. Remember - being Gay is trendy too !!
.. and something to fidget with during the day too.
... they are incapable of rational debate .. just 'Being healthy is better, so there!!' is the best they can come up with.
1) The Naughty Child (aka. Linux Experimenter)
This prospect comes from a good god-fearing household where Mum, Dad, and his brothers and sisters all smoke regularly. As does uncle Jed who lives in the spare room. The naughty child would like to be more like some of the cool jock types at school, instead of the fat wheezing slob that he is, and has dared to do sports and things when mum isnt looking. He has futile dreams of owning (and riding) a bike for his birthday.
Sales Pitch: Fat Chance kiddo ! Know thy place and respect thy parents !! Stop thinking and do as thou art told !! Inform the parents and resort to corporal punishment if required.
---oOo---
2) The Lemming (aka. Market Follower)
This prospect is always scared of offending people. Incapable of thinking for himself, the only reason he doesnt smoke at the moment is because its become trendy to be a non-smoker, and he wants to blend in with the crowd. Well hey buddy - its trendy to be gay as well !
Sales Pitch: Blackmail works best on this one. These weirdos always have some skeletons in the closet, so dig around and find some dirt (or make some up), and threaten to expose him for the paedofile that he surely is
---oOo---
3) Addictive Personality (aka. Application Driven)
This person doesnt smoke, eats a whole lettuce every day for lunch, and goes to gym 3 times a week. What a wanker !! What this person doesnt realise is that its not the fitness thing that they are really into - its just a displacement activity to fill in their day, give them some sort of meaning to their life, and stop them from going nuts. Smoking offers a better and cheaper way out of this rut
Sales Pitch: Point out the psychology of their 'health regime', and show them how cigarettes can fill the gap in the life just as well as a gym membership - only cheaper !! Deflect and embrace.
---oOo---
4) The Know it all (aka. Linux Aficionado)
This one is a pain in the butt. They are fit and healthy, and love to show off about it in front of other people. A lot of them are ex-smokers who have totally embraced this whole healthy-living crud as some sort of revenge trip against fast food and cigarettes that may have dominated their previous life. Pointless getting into an argument with this type
Sales Pitch: Avoid direct comparisons between cigarettes and other methods of lifestyle enhancement - just stick with facts, eg FACT: Cigarettes calm you down, which is good for your stress levels FACT: Smoking kills your appetite, so you eat less, loose weight, look healthier FACT: Smoking gives you bad breath and impotence, so your chances of contracting an STD are much less, etc.
---oOo---
5) On the way to crack addiction. (aka. UNIX Transitioner)
This prospect is already a regular user of speed and party pills, and is rapidly on their way to becoming a full time crack addict. Perception that plain old cigarettes just arent wicked enough for them, so they dont even give smoking a second thought.
Sales Pitch: Restate the benefits - legal, easily available, and quite affordable in comparison. Sure, moving to crack would be a whole new lifestyle enhancement, but consider cigarettes as an excellent way to re-invent yourself as well. Point out movies where cool characters can be seen smoking. Offer them a free packet of smokes (secretly laced with cocaine and ground neurofen), and you just might have yourself a new friend !!