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Home Secretary Requests Fingerprint-Activated iPods
John Reid, Home Secretary, has called upon tech manufacturers to improve the security on their gadgets to help with his recent push to frustrate criminals. Inviting Apple, Sony, and several others to his crime fighting summit Reid hopes to attack the rising robbery numbers in the most recent Home Office figures.
For the criminals!
And the solution is to force vendors to give the government more tools to monitor you!
Oh, wait, you aren't citizens, but subjects. Your rights are privileges granted by the monarch, and so can be revoked at the pleasure of the government.
...great, no iPod for me then
would offer the ultimate in security for the theft adverse iPod owner.
So why mess about with half measures like fingerprint activation? After all, if you stick it someplace where the sun don't shine, ain't nobody gonna know you're iPodding. Ignoring the obvious question of who the hell would try to steal an anally inserted iPod, who would purchase an (obviously) stolen / used anally insertable iPod?
Why the market for stolen iPods would close up tight.
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What's a Home Secretary?
That's your wife. As opposed to your Away Secretary at work, who is a lot more fun.
Home..? Have you ever seen how many finger prints there are on the *back* of an IPod? Sounds about as effective as hiding a key under the front mat, except the mat is also see through.
...just won't work. I can't quite put my finger on it though.
When Fascism comes to America, it will call itself Anti-Fascism, and tell you to give up your guns.
There is no such thing as security when you have physical access to the device. It's a useless "summit" that will do little more than raise the cost of these devices on consumers.
... but there could be punishment!
Well, maybe not security
I propose that we build a small quantity of plastic explosives or thermite into every new portable device. They will take commands from the GSM cellular network and, upon command from the manufacturer, on receiving word from the original purchaser that the device has been stolen, explode/melt and blow/burn pieces of the device into the criminal's (or person who received said stolen property) face/hands/thighs. It will also have the handy side-effect of securely deleting confidential data. We'll just need some laws to indemnify manufacturers and owners from said criminals' lawsuits, and after that, we'll just let the problems work themselves out.
I foresee this having a slight negative impact on the used-equipment-on-eBay market, but overall I think it'll be a good thing.
What could possibly go wrong?
"Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available."
Or perhaps you could read the linked article. Oh wait this is Slashdot, nevermind.
I can't wait until I can listen to my music from within the safety of my iBunker.
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...that'll teach them criminals for sure!
I called it a mighty Sperm Whale, she called it Finding Nemo.
Khan: I'll agree to your terms, if.... if.... in addition to yourself, you turn over to me all recordings and album covers regarding the band called "Genesis".
Kirk: Genesis? Which one, Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins?
Khan: Don't insult my intelligence, Kirk!
Think of it this way, guys. This is an opportunity for Apple to "Reinvent the Fingerprint Scanner."
I can see it now, Uncle Jobs on the stage unveiling this amazing reinvention. I think it will inject neurotoxin into whoever's print does not match. An on top of that, it will shout "Exterminate!" like a Dalek! But what if your print doesn't scan correctly and you are injected? Easy, just rescan your print correctly and it will give you a dose of an antidote!
Fire him. On the spot. For sheer stupidity and completely getting his priorities wrong. Jeeeesus - are this the problems he should care about?