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Can You Handle 'THEY'?

Posted by Zonk on from the oh-games dept.

In a refreshing turn, over at Newsweek's LevelUp blog N'Gai has some suitably chastising commentary on the newly-announced FPS entitled simply THEY. This overly-simplistic name is accompanied by a nearly informationless press release, and reinforces the idea that whatever THEY is, it's not worth looking into. "Generally, the role of a press release is to inform. But having read the THEY press release, all we've taken away from it is hyperbole and buzzwords, assembled Mad Libs-style for maximum unintended hilarity. What is THEY? Apparently, THEY is a 'next generation mystery first person shooter for PC and next generation consoles.' Who are THEY, you ask? ''THEY' are huge--'THEY' are different--'THEY' are hostile!' How good will THEY be? It's 'so mysterious, so stunning and so amazing--that 'THEY' might become one of the most anticipated world premiere titles from this year's Games Convention!'"

7 of 100 comments (clear)

  1. From the makers of... by Senjutsu · · Score: 5, Funny

    gabbo Gabbo GABBO

  2. Features? by Paktu · · Score: 5, Funny

    From the feature list: unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons what the fuck does that mean?

    1. Re:Features? by dr_strang · · Score: 4, Funny

      From the feature list: unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons what the fuck does that mean?
      If it means what it sounds like it means, that's seriously creepy.
      --
      This is a sig. It is like every other sig in the world, except that it is mine, and it is different.
    2. Re:Features? by Kesch · · Score: 4, Funny

      This is my BFG. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
      My BFG is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
      My BFG, without me, is useless. Without my BFG, I am useless. I must fire my BFG true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...
      My BFG and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...
      My BFG is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage as I will ever guard my legs, my arms, my eyes and my heart against damage. I will keep my BFG clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...
      Before God, I swear this creed. My BFG and myself are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life...
      So be it, until victory is humanity's and there is no enemy, but peace!

      --
      If this signature is witty enough, maybe somebody will like me.
  3. Nothing to see here by quarrel · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Is there much point in posting a /. article, trying to inform your fellow geeks, that there is something they've never heard of, and it looks like it isn't worth paying any attention to?

    I already know there is lots of useless crap in the world that I'm not interested in. Tell me about things that ARE interesting.

    --Q

  4. And then... by Fallen+Kell · · Score: 4, Funny

    ...'THEY' will be soon forgotten...

    --
    We were all warned a long time ago that MS products sucked, remember the Magic 8 Ball said, "Outlook not so good"
  5. Sigh... by dyslexicbunny · · Score: 4, Interesting

    Title: THEY
    Platforms: PC & next generation console
    Release date: 2008/2009
    Genre: First person mystery shooter
    Scenario: Near Future
    * next generation 3D engine
    * unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons
    * mysterious science fiction background story
    * diversified enemies--thrilling and intelligent
    * heroes to identify with
    * heavy usage of physics
    * destructible environment relevant for gameplay
    * haunting single player mode
    * versatile multiplayer modes

    Honestly, this pretentious crap needs to end. This doesn't make me want to purchase or play the game. Sure it's an announcement but honestly, every single buzzword is touted for every FPS game when they come out. Besides, it looks like a third-grader wrote this for a book report and copied the box on game. It provides just enough information to sound real but not enough to be useful, like this up and coming game from downtown ATL.

    Title: Protecting and Analyzing the Next-gen Transportation System (PANTS)
    Platforms: PC & next generation console
    Release date: 2008/2009
    Genre: First person strategy thriller
    Scenario: Present Time
    * next generation 3D engine
    * unique tactics system that makes you "love" planning
    * politically-charged background story
    * diversified citizens--pissed off and delayed
    * support characters with realistic backgrounds
    * mild usage of physics
    * adaptive environment relevant for gameplay
    * intellectually challenging single player mode
    * variety of multiplayer modes