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Homeland Security Commissions LED-Based Puke-Saber

E++99 writes "Homeland Security has contracted with Intelligent Optical Systems, Inc. to develop an "LED Incapacitator," a nonlethal weapon consisting of a large flashlight with a cluster of LEDs capable of emitting "super-bright pulses of light at rapidly changing wavelengths." Sounds innocuous enough... until they they shine "the evil color" at you and you start puking! A working prototype has been completed, and they will soon be putting it through its paces. Homeland Security hopes to give it to Border Patrol agents and National Guardsmen by 2010."

40 of 378 comments (clear)

  1. I WANT A SICK-STICK! by scosco62 · · Score: 2, Funny

    If only to pummel Tom Cruise with................

  2. This will work just great... by Qubit · · Score: 4, Funny

    ...as long as the bad guys aren't allowed to have mirrors.

    --

    coding is life /* the rest is */
    1. Re:This will work just great... by McNihil · · Score: 2, Funny

      I knew there was a reason for a tinfoil hat!

    2. Re:This will work just great... by Gaewyn+L+Knight · · Score: 2, Funny

      I wear dark sunglasses at night... so I can ... so I can... cross the border with the supper I ate tonight....... *groans*

      --
      Telcos have alot of dark fibre in the States. Most people assume that's optical fibre...but it's actually moral fibre.
    3. Re:This will work just great... by krakelohm · · Score: 5, Funny

      Sorry had to:

      Sunglasses at night

      I wear my sunglasses at night
      So I can so I can
      Watch you live and breathe your storylines

      (And) I wear my sunglasses at night
      So I can so I can
      Keep track of the visions in my eyes

      While she's deceiving me
      It cuts my security (has)
      She got control of me
      I turn to her and say

      Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades, oh no
      Don't masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no
      I can't believe it
      You got it made with the guy in shades, oh no

      (And) I wear my sunglasses at night
      So I can so I can
      Forget my name while you collect your claim

      And I wear my sunglasses at night
      So I can so I can
      See the light that's right before my eyes

      While she's deceiving me
      She cuts my security (has)
      She got control of me
      I turn to her and say

      Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades, oh no
      Don't masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no
      I can't believe it!
      Don't be afraid of the guy in shades, oh no
      It can't escape you
      'Cause you got it made with the guy in shades, oh no

      I said I wear my sunglasses
      I wear my sunglasses at night
      Wear my sunglasses at night

      --
      You are all a bunch of idots.
    4. Re:This will work just great... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

      According to a guy named Mike Nelson, studies have shown that 93% of white guys can sing like that.

    5. Re:This will work just great... by MrNiceguy_KS · · Score: 2, Funny
      Great news! With the PukeLight we no longer have to use rubber bullets, tear gas, and firehoses to break up rowdy protests.

      Well, actually we still need the firehoses, but not until afterward.

      --
      Redundancy is good And also good.
  3. Re:Oh no! by magarity · · Score: 5, Funny

    How will people defend themselves against this?
     
    Use the MAD method: Wear mirror sunglasses.

  4. dupe by InvisblePinkUnicorn · · Score: 4, Funny

    Does it also work against editors who relentlessly post the same stories over and over again?

  5. A What Saber? by sickmtbnutcase · · Score: 5, Funny

    Puke, I am your father.

  6. do not want by MonorailCat · · Score: 2, Funny

    Why do I feel its only a matter of time till the design leaks out and dick teenagers start buying them on ebay and carrying them around. I hope this doesn't work as advertised.

  7. Re:Changing wavelengths... by freakmn · · Score: 2, Funny

    I think you are referring to the technicolor yawn wavelength.

    --
    warning: This post is likely to contain gobs of dripping sarcasm. Consume at your own risk.
  8. How will we protect ourselves? by El+Icaro · · Score: 5, Funny

    We definitely need some kind of device to shield our eyes from this "light". As I understand a practical way would be just covering our eyes, we could shape them as glasses! Not only that, but it could protect us from the suns blinding rays... I suggest we call this device "sunglasses" to deceive others of its true purpose!

    Now if someone just invented these "sunglasses"...

    1. Re:How will we protect ourselves? by MrLint · · Score: 2, Funny

      Perhaps a better solution would be Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses?

  9. hmmm... I wonder who they will hire... by cez · · Score: 5, Funny

    to clean up all the puke at the borders?

    --
    Walk with Music;
    1. Re:hmmm... I wonder who they will hire... by techamed · · Score: 2, Funny

      Canadians

  10. Re:Version 2.0 by JimboFBX · · Score: 2, Funny

    This version is only a slight improvement over the original prototype, which could beam scenes from Gigli directly into a person's retina from up to 2 miles. Apparently a new design requirement came up: "Make sure it works on Jennifer Lopez"
  11. Two Words.... by Danse · · Score: 5, Funny

    Superbowl. Jumbotron.

    --
    It's not enough to bash in heads, you've got to bash in minds. - Captain Hammer
    1. Re:Two Words.... by Lehk228 · · Score: 4, Funny

      that would be epic

      new years eve in NYC would be more epic, mount the light emitters ON THE BALL instead of normal lights

      --
      Snowden and Manning are heroes.
    2. Re:Two Words.... by Kozar_The_Malignant · · Score: 4, Funny

      Redundant. Most of that crowd is puking shortly thereafter anyway.

      --
      Some mornings it's hardly worth chewing through the restraints to get out of bed.
  12. Puke Saber? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    this makes me sick

  13. Re:Sweet! by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    Just browse a few pages on myspace...you'll get a similar nauseating effect.

  14. Re:Sweet! by mikael · · Score: 4, Funny

    Not Java, but here are some of the world's worst websites:

    A full background rainbow color cycle going on: Accept Jesus Forever Forgotten

    This site has a scrolling polka dot pattern: SoulWax

    How not to make a website: The World's Worst Website?

    Or just a really bad color scheme: Lubees Pump and Irrigation

    --
    Vintage computer adverts: http://www.vintageadbrowser.com/computers-and-software-ads
  15. if only they were INTERESTING stories by Quadraginta · · Score: 4, Funny

    Coming up next, Slashdot follows the troubling development of a nonlethal technological device for "controlling" troublesome individuals, consisting of two small metal or plastic bracelets joined by a short chain that can be "locked" around the suspect's hands, entirely preventing him from using them until someone "unlocks" the device with a special key.

    On whom will this fiendish device be used? Are YRO at risk if this nasty little tool falls into the hands of border guards and police? What if someone immobilized by this device falls and hits his head because he can't break his fall with his hands? Will he sue? Doesn't this violate the Constitution somehow?

  16. Re:Oh no! by Skidge · · Score: 2, Funny

    "My eyes! The goggles do nothing!"

  17. Plan B: Brown Noise by MacDork · · Score: 4, Funny

    Sure, you can close your eyes, but you'd better hold your ears too. One of their elite researchers has discovered the brown noise

    ;-)

  18. Anti-accessibility by Valdrax · · Score: 4, Funny

    You could use it as some sort of anti-captcha for a social networking sight meant to be only used by blind people. If you can make it through the sign-in form, you get to join.

    Take THAT all you people that don't put alt tags on your images!

    (By the way, does the "evil color" work on colorblind people?)

    --
    If it's for-profit but free, you're not the customer -- you're the product (e.g., the Slashdot Beta's "audience").
  19. The puke ray by Bloater · · Score: 2, Funny

    They've been watching too much powerpuff girls.

  20. Headlights by PPH · · Score: 3, Funny

    That'll teach those slowpokes not to hog the left lane.

    --
    Have gnu, will travel.
  21. Re:Oh no! by Skidge · · Score: 3, Funny

    Good point. I was going to say, "The goggles, they do nothing!", but Wikipedia told me not to. Bad Wikipedia!

  22. Re:Sweet! by Oktober+Sunset · · Score: 5, Funny

    They have a prototype of such an application at goatse.cx and there is an alternative competing version found at tubgirl.com

  23. Re:The good and the bad by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    Police in the US have been using lights as weapons for a long time,
    ...and now Homeland Security will outlaw mirror-reflective sunglasses and tinfoil hats. Can't be having someone reflect light back to them!! :-)
  24. Re:The good and the bad by carou · · Score: 4, Funny

    look away from the light

    I can't help it, it's so beautiful...

    BLLLLEEEUUUGGHHH!!
  25. Re:Sweet! by Darth+Liberus · · Score: 4, Funny

    What's your name and address? I'd like to... um... thank you for getting me fired. Asshole.

    --
    Beauty is just a light switch away.
  26. Re:from the article by amccaf1 · · Score: 2, Funny

    "There are often confrontations at border crossings with suspected illegal aliens or drug runners," Lieberman says. "You don't want to hurt or kill them, just take them into custody. With this," he smiles, "they don't need to know English to comply."


    Er, so you've got a confrontation between a border agent and an illegal alien. Neither one can understand the language of the other. One of them suddenly feeling violently ill improves the situation... how?
    --
    "Flag on the moon. How did it get there?"
  27. Re:Escalation by G-funk · · Score: 2, Funny

    Yeah I bet homeland security is definitely worried about devices that exist within the imagination of your average slashdotter.

    --
    Send lawyers, guns, and money!
  28. bah! we've had this for years on the internet by grapeape · · Score: 3, Funny

    Its called the blink tag.

  29. Re:from the article by ohsoot · · Score: 3, Funny

    They do, but their job is to mop up the puke.

  30. Re:Oh no! by go$$amer · · Score: 2, Funny

    And galoshes...

    --
    STOP. You're being farmed.
  31. Bowel disruptor by Tungbo · · Score: 2, Funny

    Can they be far behind ?

    Your genius is needed today more than ever, Spider.