Slashdot Mirror

← Back to Stories (view on slashdot.org)

Attack of the Evil Monkeys From Hell

Posted by kdawson on from the who's-wearing-the-pants dept.

grrlscientist writes "A new form of communication between wild vervet monkeys and humans is causing humans distress — and a collapse of their food supply. Approximately 300 vervet monkeys in Kenya are sexually harassing the women of a village so they can steal their crops. None of the attempts to discourage the monkeys has so far worked."

15 of 462 comments (clear)

  1. Tit-for-Tat by pipingguy · · Score: 5, Funny

    Have they tried flinging feces at the monkeys yet?

    1. Re:Tit-for-Tat by Hijacked+Public · · Score: 5, Funny

      I don't know about that. As I've been through Kenya and most of the surrounding area a few times it seem to me that the best solution would be the opposite of what most Slashdotters are proposing here.

      I say the Kenyan government should give the monkeys full human rights. Set aside an area of the country designated a monkey habitat and enshrine in law the monkeys' collective ownership of that land.

      Then announce to the Western world that a routine governmental survey has found something of great value on the monkey-land. Gold, oil, rhodium, manganese, pretty flowers. Anything that can be collected and sold will do. The rest will take care of itself.

      Before long armored divisions will start showing up to keep the peace. Machine gun bunkers will be built. Far overhead, out of sight of the monkeys, billion dollar airplanes will peer down throught their bombsights, trying to locate the laser the ground team is shining on a mudpile monkey hut so the bomber crew can precisely deliver a million dollar payload of explosives to eradicate the hut and all its occupants from the face of the earth.

      An opposing monkey faction would be developed by dangling the carrot of power in front of an influential but well liked monkey leader of a monkey splinter group. To this faction the West could provide weapons, in return for assurances that when power was consolidated the weapon providers could expect the favor to be repaid. We just want to see an end to the monkey terror, you see.

      But, with the other hand, the West could make sure that power never was consolidated. This way the monkeys would set themselves to the task of continually collecting whatever natural resource it was the West wanted, so they could afford a continual supply of weapons to fight a war that would never end.

      If that isn't a time and again proven effective method of monkey subordination I don't know what is.

      --
      "Sacrifice for the good of The State" - The State
  2. Those aren't monkeys... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    they're phi sigma kappa pledges

  3. Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Informative

    It's a criminal offense to harm them.

  4. when arnt they going hungry? by Pvt.+Cthulhu · · Score: 5, Funny

    eat the monkeys. problem solved.

  5. taste aversion by wizardforce · · Score: 5, Interesting

    in all srriousness what could be done is trying taste aversion [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taste_aversion] basically this was used on wild animals to prevent the killing of sheep. what they did was add a lithium salt to a set of dead sheep, the animals would eat the meat, lithium and all and it caused nausea and reduced their activity. these affects were associated with the sheep meat and after a while the animals stopped attacking sheep as a food source. now all of these behaviors with these particular primates stem from their attempt to acquire food so putting a stop to that motivation stops the problem entirely. the last reason this could be an option is that the predators survive the encounter, taste aversion shouldn't cause long term harm like a few other options [hunting for one]

    --
    Sigs are too short to say anything truly profound so read the above post instead.
    1. Re:taste aversion by kennygraham · · Score: 5, Insightful

      I hate killing as much as the next guy, but if 300 humans were throwing rocks at my wife and stealing my food to the point where I might not be able to feed my children that night, after a while I'd start shooting the humans. I sure as hell wouldn't put up with it from a monkey.

    2. Re:taste aversion by timmarhy · · Score: 5, Insightful
      "that's right kill anything that stands in your way."

      We aren't talking about the monkeys standing in the way of me having a 2nd car, or having a new play station. We are talking about them preventing some of the poorest people in the world getting enough food just to survive. So yes, fuck the stupid monkeys.

      "can we not try something just as effective that doesn't involve killing them first"

      What are you, dense? they have already tried nasty tasting baits, dressing up to scare them and hitting them with sticks. I'd say that's a fucking good effort for people facing starvation because of the monkeys.

      --
      If you mod me down, I will become more powerful than you can imagine....
  6. Re:Subscribe the monkeys to Slashdot by psychicsword · · Score: 5, Funny

    I take offense to that just because I watch porn all night and never actually laid a hand on anything female doesn't mean I read slashdot... Oh wait

  7. Ah, monkies... by NerveGas · · Score: 5, Funny


        Is there anything they do that ISN'T entertaining?

    --
    Oh, you're not stuck, you're just unable to let go of the onion rings.
  8. Re:reverse the gender roles by Clever7Devil · · Score: 5, Funny

    But the mens' favorite shows are on during peak farming hours.

    --
    "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry.'" -Gary Larson
  9. WWTHAD? by Kaenneth · · Score: 5, Funny

    What Would The A-Team Do?

    First, to travel a long distance with B.A. by plane, he'd have to be tricked into taking a sedative, then loaded onto the plane.

    Hannibal and Face would be too busy sexually harrasing the women themselves to get serious for a while. Murdoc would 'get to know the enemy' by joining the monkeys, while B.A. would be pissed about getting tricked again.

    Inspired by the earlier drugging of B.A., Hannibal would come up with the plan to have Murdoc sleeping drug the monkeys while B.A. and Face Montage-Weld a specialized monkey-scooper truck, to load them on the plane. As they leave they drop the monkeys into the compound of the military dictator.

    (maybe I shouldn't port at 2 am)

  10. Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    Put two and two together and what do you get?

    The weirdest fucking /. post ever.

  11. "It's funny. Laugh". Assholes by 1u3hr · · Score: 5, Insightful
    "The predominantly farming community is now having to receive famine relief food. The residents report that the monkeys have killed livestock and guard dogs, which has also left the villagers living in fear, especially for the safety of their babies and children."

    But they're only black African savages, so it's "funny".

  12. Source, source, where are thou... by trifish · · Score: 5, Insightful

    At first I thought this was a scam or a joke. But then I noticed the source at the bottom of the article. And it is one of the most credible news sources there is: BBC.

    It would have been better if the article linked to that, rather than to some, at least to me, rather obscure blogger.

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6959209.stm