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NASA Employees Fight Invasive Background Check
Electron Barrage writes "Longtime JPL scientists, many of whom do not work on classified materials, including rover drivers and Apollo veterans, sued NASA, Caltech, and the Department of Commerce today to fight highly invasive background checks, which include financial information, any and all retail business transactions, and even sexual orientation."
Because the rover drivers might use the rover to suicide-bomb.... something. That crater over there, maybe?
Space Agency spies on YOU!
Well, I'm not saying I agree with it, but here's a possible line of assumptions they could be following:
1. Most extremists are Muslims
2. Islam forbids homosexuality
3. Homosexuals are not likely to be Muslim extremists
Therefore, it should be safe to hire gays...
Dear Astronauts and all other staff,
The NASA administration and the department of Homeland Security is deeply committed to the security and well being of all NASA property. This includes our bases, buildings, general infrastructure and experimental vehicles, as well as the people necessary* to operate them. (we will address the term necessary* later)
Regarding the strict security measures put in place recently, we would like to make a strong statement regarding the discomfort that these measures may have created within some members of our community.
These measures have been enforced to address three things mainly:
-no more suicide rovers on mars
-no more (potentially deadly) love triangles
-and as an IQ test to see whether all NASA staff can properly id the location of uranus
These procedures are now a part of company policy...
"COMPRENDE?"
thank you for your understanding and cooperation,
(I agree)
sign here
NASA.
P.D. The "taking your pants off for rectal examination" is not an official NASA policy (anymore) so please report any incident or abuse of this kind to your immediate supervisor.
So maybe they are really checking the gay ones to make sure they are ACTUALLY gay and not terrorist gay-fakers?
Bottles.
Then they came for the government employees.
Then they came for employees of government contractors and vendors.
And now that the only jobs I can have or transactions I can conduct are with the 1% of the population and market that refuses business with the government, I'm too broke to pay my property tax on my supposedly private property. So now they're coming for me.
If they're fit, I'm more than happy to be their unpaid tester!!
/em throws a little gasoline on TheRealMindChild's straw man.
I wish there was a fscking blue pill
Dear NASA Scientists,
I know you like the collegial atmosphere out at JPL. I know you like being able to have your work peer-reviewed. In short, I know that you like the lives that some of you have lead for the last several decades. Unfortunately, you and I both know that things are changing, largely at the request of your own government.
I know you don't like the new security checks. No matter how squeaky-clean your lives are, or how much you love your country, there are always some skeletons in the closet that can come back to haunt you. Also, the rules are always changing - what was unacceptable twenty years ago but acceptable ten years ago is now unacceptable again. Nobody should have to live like that.
My organisation already knows all your secrets. They weren't that hard to find - as you've probably already realised, money talks. And you know what? We don't care. That's right, we don't give a shit that you cross-dress, have sex with livestock, eat your own boogers or have a gambling problem. (Actually, on that last point, we do - and treat it as a medical problem with treatment covered entirely under our health plan, and our financial planners can help you get your life back together too. Same deal with drugs.)
From our secret base of operations somewhere south-east of Florida we plan World Domination. Our Weather Machine and Death Ray divisions are approaching the deployment phase, but there's still a pressing need for talent in the Heavy Launch, Orbital Habitat and Orbital Weapons Platform divisions.
Our employees receive world-class free health care, six weeks paid vacation each year and a pension plan that makes the GDP of many small countries look pitiful - and there's lots of room for advancement, so your pension payout could actually *be* Lichtenstein or Peru. We also pay all re-location expenses, and have great schools a short submarine ride away. We have a wide range of recreational and sporting facilities. We are family-friendly, with common-sense and generous carers leave provisions. On the subject of family-friendly, we have a petting zoo. We also have a less family-oriented heavy-petting zoo, but we don't usually like to talk about it.
If you think it's time for a change and that you can make a difference, reply here - don't worry, although your government will find you we've paid their operatives enough to make sure we get to you first. No pressure - we won't tell your dirty little secrets, but then, we don't have to. The choice is entirely yours.
Sincerely,
Xavier F. Megalomaniac
Supervillain
P.S.
We have administrative, support and security
roles available too - and leather and spandex
are only required on formal occasions.
Put that on the ballot and I'll vote for it!
-Peter
We checked you background anyways ;)
Nobody who has done this has told me exactly what the questions are, but they have suggested that they are extremely invasive.
You'll be pleased to learn that the question regarding homosexuality has been softened up.
Old question: Are you now or have you ever been a homosexual?
New question: Are coffee, salmon, and moccha foods or colors?
Where does the school board find them and why do they keep sending them to ME?
tap tap tap...taptap...tap tap tap