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2007 Darwin Award Winners
Web Goddess writes "The 2007 Darwin Award Winners have been announced. Precarious sex, squashed thieves, animals eradicated with electricity, the obligatory macho competition involving a train, and one computer (which survived.) But think twice before you read them. Do you really want to know about The Enema Within?"
So, one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?
I bet the alcohol bottle took one look at him and said "what an asshole".
Dave
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. --Martin Luther King Jr.
...and think "Damn, an assload of booze" again.
Patriot - A fan of expanding government power and spending while not wanting to pay higher taxes.
Nah, it was the mole who called the cops!
I nominate darwinawards.com for allowing itself to be linked on Slashdot. That server is toast.
+0 Meh
Why yes, yes I do. I'm guessing that's a third-date sort of thing?
It must have been something you assimilated. . . .
What Goes Up Must Come Down 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin "What goes up must come down." (20 June 2007, South Carolina) A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old couple Znaked and injured in the road an hour before sunrise. The two people died at the nearest hospital without regaining consciousness. Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars or motorcycles. Investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof," Sgt. Florence McCants said. This is a true Darwin Award trifecta: TWO people die, WHILE in the act of procreation, due to an ASTONISHINGLY poor decision. Bottom line: If you put yourself in a precarious "position" at the edge of a pointy roof, you may well find yourself coming and going at the same time. Ironically, one of the deceased was named "Tumbleston."
The Enema Within 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (21 May 2004, Texas) Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. The machine shop owner couldn't imbibe alcohol by mouth due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favourite beverage via enema. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party. Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address! When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead. The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. According to toxicology reports, his blood alcohol level was 0.47%. In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.
Support Group 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin "Gravity still works." (28 July 2007, Czech Republic) A pack of thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled, the roof fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three others. (21 June 2007, Philippines) Three entrepreneurs planned to profit from stolen scrap metal. They entered a former US military complex and approached the prize: an abandoned water tank. Bedazzled by the potential upside, the three threw logic to the wind, and began to cut the metal legs out from under the tank. Guess where it fell? Straight onto the thieves. Their flattened bodies have not yet been identified. (31 July 1997) Two teens were disassembling an electric tower with wrenches when it toppled to the ground. They apparently wanted to sell its aluminum supports for scrap, but they failed to realize the essential role the aptly named "support" plays in a 160-foot tower. One of the men was crushed by the collapse of the ten-thousand-pound tower, while the other dug himself out from under, a sadder but wiser man from his close brush with a Darwin Award. Reference: Associated Press
Oil Tank Trampoline 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (24 June 2007, Colorado) If you get "Footloose" and cut the rug on an oil tank, be careful not to light a cigarette or bong of weed, else you may soo
"It was kind of like using a chilled chrome buttplug. Tip: do not try this after being fisted! Fuck that may have been the most painful night in my life!"
Thanks for the tip. I'll try to keep that in mind.
Patriot - A fan of expanding government power and spending while not wanting to pay higher taxes.
The authorities certainly thought so initially. They since dropped the charges, however.
I humbly protest the DA each year, but not with any judgment or anger about it.
Exploiting death for humor turns me off somehow (except for the occasional hard criminal - good riddance to them).
Of course that's not the INTENTION, but that's what it is really...
I suggest you read Slashdot
Dead Reverend's Rubber Fetish
Autopsy: Pastor found in wetsuits after autoerotic mishap
OCTOBER 8--An Alabama minister who died in June of "accidental mechanical asphyxia" was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask, according to an autopsy report. Investigators determined that Rev. Gary Aldridge's death was not caused by foul play and that the 51-year-old pastor of Montgomery's Thorington Road Baptist Church was alone in his home at the time he died (while apparently in the midst of some autoerotic undertaking). While the Montgomery Advertiser, which first obtained the autopsy records, reported on Aldridge's two wet suits, the family newspaper chose not to mention what police discovered inside the minister's rubber briefs. Aldridge served as the church's pastor for 16 years. Immediately following his death, church officials issued a press release asking community members to "please refrain from speculation" about what led to Aldridge's demise, adding that, "we will begin the healing process under the strong arm of our Savior, Jesus Christ." (5 pages)
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1008072scuba1.html
As a funeral director I think Darwin awards should be handed out not to the stupid but to the senseless. The following list is based on my own professional observations of people I think qualify for a Darwin Award.
1. pedestrians who ignore traffic
2. recreational drug users
3. drivers who drive distracted, intoxicated or stupid
4. people who commit suicide (if you find yourself in this spot, seriously talk to someone. I've seen the aftermath and its never clean, neat or peaceful -- and anyone who tells you different... has never been there)
The real tragedy isn't that we do stupid things but we keep doing the same stupid things with the same tragic results and always act surprised when people die.
So seriously folks, next time you think its safe to cross on a red light, drive and talk on a cell phone or take hit of cocaine at a party, just remember that millions of people ahead of you of made the same decision and are either dead or killed some poor innocent person.
A senseless death stops being senseless when we learn from it and resolve not to let it happen again. Give the real Darwin Awards to the tens of thousands who never learn.
I really would have thought we'd have seen an entry from anyone of those thousands of people who Died in a Blogging Accident..
Actually this is pretty on-topic, it reminds all of us: in tech support, programming, design and administration what users can be truly capable of.
"Enjoy what you're doing! If it becomes drudgery, you're doing it wrong!" - Jim Butterfield
Those of us who have a shot at living for many more years but have had a hard look at the grim reaper peering back at us recently might have a different perspective than those in their healthy years have. I remember sitting in the waiting room of the oncology department of a major hospital awaiting my turn under the accelerator, about seven years ago. A few of us in that room of gloom and doom made friends because we scheduled our appointment at the same time every week, for many weeks. Some of us joked about our conditions and expected demise. My wife couldn't handle it so stayed outside, but to those of us in there that I got to know, we did quite well I think, thanks to humor.
On the bigger scale, every healthy soul is in the same boat in life. We have to joke about this condition we call life--it's going to kill us one way or another. Though it might be tragic to watch how some people find ways to go out, it is most interesting. With the Darwin Awards, even amusing given an objective perspective.
Eventualy, you end your life dying. Face it, that's life. But what you're never told is you die *twice*, because save a handfull of really important people for their contribution to History (with capital 'H'), after 50 years everybody will totally forget you.
But if your exit is at least newsworthy there's still a slim chance it won't be forgotten in your own family. The grand father of my grand-grand father (5 generations above me) was the only one we knew by tradition before my mother did some genealogical research. All others above him, at his level, and some under him, were completely lost. But he was remembered because he died kicked by a horse in the head. Not especially funny, but newsworthy.
The Darwin winners of today will have their memories cherished *longer* by *many more people* than those dying a peaceful and natural death.
Think about it. Now, where's my axe, I have a barn to bring down.
Personally I think they should update the criteria too but I was thinking more along the lines of giving the award for "activities that show absolutely no evidence of intelligent design"!