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2007 Darwin Award Winners
Web Goddess writes "The 2007 Darwin Award Winners have been announced. Precarious sex, squashed thieves, animals eradicated with electricity, the obligatory macho competition involving a train, and one computer (which survived.) But think twice before you read them. Do you really want to know about The Enema Within?"
So, one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?
Stuff that matters. This is not fark.
I bet the alcohol bottle took one look at him and said "what an asshole".
Dave
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. --Martin Luther King Jr.
*applause*
Did he at least get the mole?
...and think "Damn, an assload of booze" again.
Patriot - A fan of expanding government power and spending while not wanting to pay higher taxes.
Ah, you found me!
Where are your sensibilities, Slashdot. Someone's death is not a laughing matter. I was told this was a progressive site, but since then I noticed it's comprised of libertarians who hate the government and have a sick sense of humor.
slashdotted
No response from server after loading only 2 of the awards...
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
I nominate darwinawards.com for allowing itself to be linked on Slashdot. That server is toast.
+0 Meh
Looks like their web server is in line to win an '08 Darwin Award!
Why yes, yes I do. I'm guessing that's a third-date sort of thing?
It must have been something you assimilated. . . .
What Goes Up Must Come Down 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin "What goes up must come down." (20 June 2007, South Carolina) A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old couple Znaked and injured in the road an hour before sunrise. The two people died at the nearest hospital without regaining consciousness. Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars or motorcycles. Investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof," Sgt. Florence McCants said. This is a true Darwin Award trifecta: TWO people die, WHILE in the act of procreation, due to an ASTONISHINGLY poor decision. Bottom line: If you put yourself in a precarious "position" at the edge of a pointy roof, you may well find yourself coming and going at the same time. Ironically, one of the deceased was named "Tumbleston."
The Enema Within 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (21 May 2004, Texas) Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. The machine shop owner couldn't imbibe alcohol by mouth due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favourite beverage via enema. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party. Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address! When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead. The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. According to toxicology reports, his blood alcohol level was 0.47%. In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.
Support Group 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin "Gravity still works." (28 July 2007, Czech Republic) A pack of thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled, the roof fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three others. (21 June 2007, Philippines) Three entrepreneurs planned to profit from stolen scrap metal. They entered a former US military complex and approached the prize: an abandoned water tank. Bedazzled by the potential upside, the three threw logic to the wind, and began to cut the metal legs out from under the tank. Guess where it fell? Straight onto the thieves. Their flattened bodies have not yet been identified. (31 July 1997) Two teens were disassembling an electric tower with wrenches when it toppled to the ground. They apparently wanted to sell its aluminum supports for scrap, but they failed to realize the essential role the aptly named "support" plays in a 160-foot tower. One of the men was crushed by the collapse of the ten-thousand-pound tower, while the other dug himself out from under, a sadder but wiser man from his close brush with a Darwin Award. Reference: Associated Press
Oil Tank Trampoline 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (24 June 2007, Colorado) If you get "Footloose" and cut the rug on an oil tank, be careful not to light a cigarette or bong of weed, else you may soo
It looks like The Darwin Awards web server has become the victim of the Slashdot Effect! Maybe the IT dept. at The Darwin Awards server room should win the award?
And, no doubt, like every other year, it will be filled with previously disproven and utterly ridiculous urban legends, because they happen to sound better than the real thing.
I think Snopes (or perhaps Mythbusters if you're desperate) should have a "Darwin Awards" special every year.
Slashdot gets worse every day... Pipedot: News for nerds, without the corporate slant
dunno if it's there since the site's slashdotted, but you'd think that would deserve a mention
Nothing for 6-digit uids?
The winner was a couple that had sex on a roof, followed by someone filling his ass with alcohol. The rest must be 'less amusing' so IOW No balloons on a chair, rocket engines on a car, or skydiver forgetting his ever important backpack.
Coral cache: http://darwinawards.com.nyud.net/darwin/darwin2007.html
First of all, it could have been murder.
Secondly, the guy was nearly 60... married twice. If he was childless at that point he wasn't going to contribute to the gene pool anyway, alcohol enema death or no alcohol enema death.
"It was kind of like using a chilled chrome buttplug. Tip: do not try this after being fisted! Fuck that may have been the most painful night in my life!"
Thanks for the tip. I'll try to keep that in mind.
Patriot - A fan of expanding government power and spending while not wanting to pay higher taxes.
The authorities certainly thought so initially. They since dropped the charges, however.
I humbly protest the DA each year, but not with any judgment or anger about it.
Exploiting death for humor turns me off somehow (except for the occasional hard criminal - good riddance to them).
Of course that's not the INTENTION, but that's what it is really...
I suggest you read Slashdot
How is this for 'progressive'? -- FUCKING DIE, FAG
meh.
I've got a pretty twisted sense of humour, but not too many of these are very funny. maybe the mole/electrocution one...but:
couple dies after falling off the roof they on which they were having sex?
man has a car accident and dies because he was trying to use his laptop while driving?
I don't know - seems like a poor crop this year.
maybe people are just getting smarter?
HAHAHA (*wipes tear from eye*)
Coitus Interruptus - ? http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:Tn__1Wlm4yAJ:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-05.html+darwin+awards+2007+Coitus+Interruptus&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1/
The Enema Within - http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:XstNYmjE6HEJ:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-13.html+darwin+awards+2007+the+enema+within&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1/
Weight Lift - http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:tw9FxHzjlMIJ:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-10.html+darwin+awards+2007+weighted+lift&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1/
Support group - http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:YTaW1K_CuMMJ:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-09.html+darwin+awards+2007+support+group&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1/
Beer for Bears - http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:o6AOEFDNMKEJ:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-08.html+darwin+awards+2007+beer+for+bears&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1/
Stop. Look. Listen. - http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:WzxkuhMGeegJ:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-11.html+darwin+awards+2007+stop+look+listen&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1/
A Prop-er Job - http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:XJeaf-KVQLEJ:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-03.html+darwin+awards+2007+%22a+prop-er+job%22&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1/
Oil Tank Trampoline - http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:K6PCQLDDR04J:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-06.html+darwin+awards+2007+oil+tank+trampoline&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1/
Superior Momentum - http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:oAhg-uXJdmgJ:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-07.html+darwin+awards+2007+superior+momentum&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1/
Barn Demolition - http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:oIp1EibmK-gJ:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-02.html+darwin+awards+2007+barn+demolition&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1/
Electronic Fireworks -
Fatal a-Traction - http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:T86gS6EexbMJ:www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-16.html+darwin+award
Doctors do Massage in Longview WA now, who knew?
Dead Reverend's Rubber Fetish
Autopsy: Pastor found in wetsuits after autoerotic mishap
OCTOBER 8--An Alabama minister who died in June of "accidental mechanical asphyxia" was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask, according to an autopsy report. Investigators determined that Rev. Gary Aldridge's death was not caused by foul play and that the 51-year-old pastor of Montgomery's Thorington Road Baptist Church was alone in his home at the time he died (while apparently in the midst of some autoerotic undertaking). While the Montgomery Advertiser, which first obtained the autopsy records, reported on Aldridge's two wet suits, the family newspaper chose not to mention what police discovered inside the minister's rubber briefs. Aldridge served as the church's pastor for 16 years. Immediately following his death, church officials issued a press release asking community members to "please refrain from speculation" about what led to Aldridge's demise, adding that, "we will begin the healing process under the strong arm of our Savior, Jesus Christ." (5 pages)
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1008072scuba1.html
Blue screen of death fatality? No, the poor bastard was died because he ran into a Hummer. Those things are so wide he did not have to cross the line to have the accident and no passenger car will survive the impact. If you need to haul things, please buy a pickup truck or a van or a hatchback, not something designed for combat. When you don't need to haul things, please buy a passenger vehicle with properly designed crush zones.
I nominate planet Earth for a planet-wide Darwin Award:
http://www.setileague.org/editor/metitran.htm
Table-ized A.I.
As a funeral director I think Darwin awards should be handed out not to the stupid but to the senseless. The following list is based on my own professional observations of people I think qualify for a Darwin Award.
1. pedestrians who ignore traffic
2. recreational drug users
3. drivers who drive distracted, intoxicated or stupid
4. people who commit suicide (if you find yourself in this spot, seriously talk to someone. I've seen the aftermath and its never clean, neat or peaceful -- and anyone who tells you different... has never been there)
The real tragedy isn't that we do stupid things but we keep doing the same stupid things with the same tragic results and always act surprised when people die.
So seriously folks, next time you think its safe to cross on a red light, drive and talk on a cell phone or take hit of cocaine at a party, just remember that millions of people ahead of you of made the same decision and are either dead or killed some poor innocent person.
A senseless death stops being senseless when we learn from it and resolve not to let it happen again. Give the real Darwin Awards to the tens of thousands who never learn.
The qualifications are loose, as the contest is more about laughing at crazily "stupid" deaths than accurately pointing out people whose genes don't get passed on.
Any of the winners could have donated eggs, sperm, or embryos anonymously, and there are other caveats besides. Scientific advancements have made it kinda difficult to say for sure whether a death prior to traditional procreation means the end of the genetic line.
cute, but:
- the dude crossed the line
- a hummer h1 is ~8" wider than most fullsized pickups, so not that huge a difference
- it was probably a hummer h2, which is only a couple inches wider than pickups
- a hummer (even the h1) isn't designed for combat
Surely this teenager deserve a mention http://www.daily-times.com/ci_7938831... DA you insensitive clod!
I really would have thought we'd have seen an entry from anyone of those thousands of people who Died in a Blogging Accident..
Remind me not to party with any morticians.
Officer Poncherello of the CHiPs remarked, "The occupants of the Hummer were very lucky there was only a single laptop involved. Imagine the damage that could have been caused by a Beowulf cluster of these. Of course, if he had been running Linux, like we recommend, this would not have happened."
Show me on the doll where his noodly appendage touched you.
"A paper-cut is a tragedy. Comedy is when you fall down a manhole and DIE."
--Mel Brooks
http://darwinawards.com.nyud.net:8090/
Enjoy
My favorite is about a pregnant woman who thought she could fix a washing machine and electrocuted herself. I laughed my ass off.
QED. You're all sick bastards.
You've been dying to say that.
caused by the number of calls from Slashdot...
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker would destroy civilization.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
-Mel Brooks
http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/26965.html
intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
He was found with a condom-wrapped dildo inside him. Now, there are two ways to go about interpreting that:
1. He had a dom come over and service him, and that was her private equipment, so she kept things hygenic. Then something went wrong, and she fled.
or
2. America's reluctance to provide adequate sex education has finally paid off in epic lulz.
Good Christ.... that story reads like the first issue of Warren Ellis' comic "Fell". I'm not kidding.... the murder that was investigated in the first issue of the comic was basically the same kind of thing. Man unable to drink alcohol takes it rectally instead, and dies when his wife uses hard liquor instead of wine.
Mr. Hu is not a ninja.
Here's one which was reported here in New Zealand, I think about a year ago. (I think it was around new year.)
Some teens decided to get high by inhaling a flamable gas (propane?) while sitting together in a car with the windows closed. Then one of them decided he wanted a smoke...
One died, as the mixture in his lungs happened to be in the explosive range. The rest were badly burned. However, the story disappeared off the news media without revealing whether the smoker was the one who died, so I couldn't submit it as a Darwin candidate.
Quattuor res in hoc mundo sanctae sunt: libri, liberi, libertas et liberalitas.
Unfortunately, there is still no one to equal the awesome Lawn Chair Larry. That was the best ever.
Consider that in this year's list, they flagged the cow misadventure as possibly too common.
Now, I live in a city, so I find cow accidents to be hilarious, not the 'serious community problem' that some municipalities face. Of course, mishaps with autoerotic strangulation are common, and tragic - not funny at all!
Besides, at 51 and a pastor, there is no reason to assume that he has been celibate.
In Finland schoolgirls were alleged to have been soaking their tampons in vodka for a similar effect
I can't be the only one who clicked on that last link first thing, can I?
Personally I think they should update the criteria too but I was thinking more along the lines of giving the award for "activities that show absolutely no evidence of intelligent design"!
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/01/13/escalator.plunge.ap/index.html
Anyone who claims that an award is a "Darwin" award without excluding those who've successfully reproduced doesn't understand what they are talking about.
Just because they were clever enough to register the domain name first doesn't mean these 'tards deserve attention every year.
I thought they might have had a special mention for John Darwin, who faked his death in a canoeing accident, then showed up - pretending to suffer from amnesia - in a London police station a few months after his wife received the life insurance and moved to Panama. But maybe that was too recent for this set of awards. He's one guy who should have stayed dead and quietly gone on with his life in Panama rather than creating national headlines even before the fraud came to light.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Darwin_disappearance_case
the more they over-think the plumbing the easier it is to stop up the pipe
should remove himself from the gene pool. The translated submission says the lift was coming up towards her (the victim's face), but the original [Spanish] submission clearly states that it was going down (descendía == descend), i.e. from above and behind her head. It was so stupid, it had to be inaccurate!
Whether they did before isn't the issue. They removed themselves from the gene pool, so they don't have any future opportunities to add to the pond scum in the gene pool.
My blog. Good stuff (when I remember to update it). Read it.
"it's better to make friends than enemas."
Patriot - A fan of expanding government power and spending while not wanting to pay higher taxes.
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks
(sheesh it would kill you to use google?)
Soem of the high school kids in my area are spraying high proof drinks up the nose as a whay to get drink faster. Can also get poisoned faster too.
Your Google-fu is strong. Your lack of having anything better to do with your life is weak.