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NPD Group Says "Wait! HD-DVD Isn't Dead Yet"
The NPD group, owners of the not-quite-as-popular-as-they-had-hoped HD-DVD format, attempted to battle back against the tide of "naysayers" who claim that the format war is over and have declared Blu-Ray Disc the winner. "While select articles have implied that HD-DVD as a format is doomed and the sky is falling for the format's supporters, the NPD Group this afternoon reinforced that sales results from a single week do not necessarily indicate a trend, and that the week in question had several intriguing variables that have gone unreported."
A customer enters a multimedia shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this hd-dvd what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the format...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead hd-dvd when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable format, the hd-dvd, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the hardware)
'Ello, HD-DVD! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle movie for you if you show...(owner hits the hardware)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the hardware!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the hardware repeatedly) 'ELLO HD!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes hd-dvd out of the hardware and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead hd-dvd.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Formats stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That hd-dvd is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The hd-dvd format prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable format, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that hd-dvd when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in its hardware in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this hd-dvd wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This hd-dvd is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN HD-DVD!!
It wants to go for a walk!
What he can't kill, he has sex on. Trent.
Excellent! We attack at dawn!
It not dead yet, just resting and dreaming of Norway.
Beauty is in the beholder of the eye.
Blu-Ray: You fight with the strength of many men, HD-DVD. [Slashes HD-DVD's arm off]
HD-DVD: 'Tis but a scratch.
Blu-Ray: A scratch? Your arm's off!
HD-DVD: No, it isn't.
BLU-RAY: Victory is mine! We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--
HD-DVD: Hah! [kick] Come on, then. Have at you!
You can talk about sales rates or attach rates or how much shelf space is dedicated to blue boxes as opposed to red boxes, you can talk about technical merit or political merit, you can talk about studios committing to or being bought out by one side or another. You can talk about all number of things, but I know the war is over.
Blu-ray wins. I know this to be true.
I know this because sitting on the shelf underneath my teevee is a Toshiba HD-A3.
Well, I can assure you that without a solid method of piracy I won't be switching over from DVD films any time soon. NetFlix, a spindle of blank discs, and a few mouse clicks per film has increased my collection exponentially. :P
"He who can destroy a thing, controls a thing." --Paul Atreides, Dune
Toshiba was found guilty of illegally selling the Soviet Union
Wow, respect! How much did they get for it? With such incredible marketing skills, it seems all the stranger that they couldn't sell the HD-DVD format. I mean, that was legal...
Virtually serving coffee