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British Astronomers Turn To Interstellar Spam
Barrista En Flambe alerts us to a stunt that may reflect the desperate funding crisis in British astronomy: astronomers have agreed to beam a 30-second Doritos ad to a solar system 42 light years from Earth. The transmission is being directed at the solar system of 47 Ursae Majoris, a star similar to the Sun which has planets and may have a habitable zone.
It would be a long drive to get a bag, if someone over in 47 Ursae Majoris actually wants the doritos...I rarely travel more than five minutes for a snack, let alone 42 light years!
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Where to begin!
I previously - jokingly - believed SETI and Voyager to be like cosmic spam. Now, we are beaming to space, evidence that no intelligent life exists on Earth?
Doritos! Here's six ways to poison a carbon-based lifeform! Maybe we can beam the text of "The Omnivore's Dilemma", too...
"Flyin' in just a sweet place,
Never been known to fail..."
Don't tell Doritos that it would be practically impossible for any aliens to reverse engineer a video codec, or that the aliens wouldn't even get the message for years, or that they wouldn't be interested in eating Doritos.
...if the first extraterrestrial message we get from outer space is a response to this.
And the message is, "No thanks, we prefer Sun Chips."
Doritos just doomed us all. I hope they're happy when the galactic warships move in to "de-list" our planet from the universe for spamming.
Curiosity was framed, Ignorance killed the cat.
Dear Sir,
I am Xorpquan, the Supreme Subcommander in charge of Auditing and Accounting section of First Xenu Intergallactic Bank of 47 Ursae Majoris with due respect and regards. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.
During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to Porshgar the Mighty who died on the 4th day of the 5th year of the rule of Lord Emperor Tashyon in a Torplack Race and the fund has been dormant in his/her account with this bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation. The said amount was 1,853,831,184 Credits. As it may Interest you to know, Meanwhile all the arrangement to put claim over this sum as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place.
On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 20% of the total Sum as gratification, while 3% will be set aside upon conclusion, to take care of expenses that may arise during the time Of transfer both local and intergalactic like Yushan Pirate Raids, asteroidal clearance, e.t.c, while %25 will be for me and my partner.
All other necessary information will be sent to you When I hear from you. I suggest you get back to me on my private e-mail address as Soon as possible stating your wish in this deal.
In the name of great Lord Emperor Tashyon,
Supreme Subcommander Xorpquan
Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam!
I think someone hit the Python Reruns...
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what your country did to you
I'm assuming that because these are British scientists, the signal will be in PAL format, but either way, how do they expect aliens that may or may not exist to magically decrypt a format that we ourselves can't use across a measly ocean?
Second question: Will Doritos still even be around in 42 years when this signal gets there? Or be able to send them some when they get an order in 84 years? Actually, that is a conversation I want to hear.
Doritos sales rep: Hello?
47 Ursae Majoris Alien: Sqwauk squelch sqee sqee
DSR: Oh, sorry, I forgot to turn on the universal translator.
UMA: Ah. Anyway, yeah, I'd like to order half a million crates of your Cool Ranch Doritos.
DSR: Sorry, we haven't made those since 2019...
UMA: What? That's it! You humans are going to die! (Fires space laser- http://blag.xkcd.com/2008/02/15/the-laser-elevator/ modulated with "Fine! We'll take Cheetos instead!)
UNITED NATIONS, NEW YORK, EARTH, SOL
ATTENTION: THE PRESIDENT/CEO/OVERSEER/GRAND MASTER/SUPREME OVERLORD
DEAR SIR, MADAM OR DRONE,
CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL
HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE EARTH CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND CORRUPTION, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF $47,500,000,000,000.00 (FORTY SEVEN TRILLION, FIVE BILLION THOUSAND CREDITS) INTO YOUR ACCOUNTS. THE ABOVE SUM RESULTED FROM AN OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT, EXECUTED COMMISSIONED AND PAID FOR ABOUT FIVE EARTH YEARS (5) AGO BY A FOREIGN SYSTEM. THIS ACTION WAS HOWEVER INTENTIONAL AND SINCE THEN THE FUND HAS BEEN IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF SOL APEX BANK.
WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE FUND OVER SUBSPACE MONEY TRANSFER AND THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS/SLAVES, WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO OPERATE A EXTRA-SOLAR ACCOUNT; THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 70% FOR US, 70% FOR YOU AND 5% FOR LOCAL, INTERNATIONAL AND INTERSTELLAR EXPENSES INCIDENT TO THE TRANSFER.
THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM AN ACCOUNTANT WITH THE EARTH NATIONAL PLUTONIUM CORPORATION (ENPC). IF YOU FIND THIS PROPOSAL ACCEPTABLE, WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:
(A) YOUR BANKER'S NAME, SPECIE, ACCOUNT, SOLAR SYSTEM AND PLANET
(B) YOUR PRIVATE SUBSPACE FREQUENCY AND ESP NUMBERS -- FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.
(C) YOUR LETTER-HEADED CRYPTO STOMPED AND MARKED.
ALTERNATIVELY WE WILL FURNISH YOU WITH THE TEXT OF WHAT TO TYPE INTO YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER, ALONG WITH A BREAKDOWN EXPLAINING, COMPREHENSIVELY WHAT WE REQUIRE OF YOU. THE BUSINESS WILL TAKE US THIRTY (30) WORKING EARTH DAYS TO ACCOMPLISH.
PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.
BEST REGARDS
Goodbye Slashdot. You've changed.
Or, they'll just start to crave stuff here on earth and invade us to get it. If I've learned anything by watching sci-fi movies, it's that if an alien race travels all the way across the galaxy to get something from us, they're probably not going to pay for it.
I hope doritos put an unsubscribe link in their spam so we don't get hit with fines for violating the interstellar CAN-SPAM act.
Unfortunately this is a very good illustration of the problem we have in this country with R&D/science stuff. We used to be pioneers of technology, but these days people aren't interested.
My theory is because we have no society any more. One of Maggie Thatcher's most famous quotes is "there is no such thing as society". It's true, there isn't in modern Britain. Even when British people do achieve amazing things, we don't seem to care or make a big deal of it. Thus, anything which does not bring individuals obvious and immediate benefit becomes very hard to justify.
const int one = 65536; (Silvermoon, Texture.cs)
SJW, n: "Someone I don't like, and by the way I'm a fuckwit" - AC
We're all laughing about how useless this is, but now Slashdot and probably half the tech news sites out there are talking about Doritos. I'd actually say this was a pretty intelligent move by their marketing department.
"People who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do."-Mark Twain
That's rather tasteless. And the message wasn't a good idea either.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.