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Uwe Boll To Quit Making Movies With 1M Signatures

Posted by ScuttleMonkey on from the just-means-he-is-switching-media dept.

An anonymous reader writes to mention that Uwe Boll, the infamous German director behind such video game adaptations as House of the Dead, BloodRayne, Dungeon Siege and Postal, has recently admitted that he would retire from making movies if enough people want him to stop. When FearNet mentioned to Boll a petition online signed by 18,000 people requesting that he cease making films, Boll responded that '18,000 is not enough to convince me.' So how much would be enough? 'One million,' Boll said."

10 of 355 comments (clear)

  1. Signed, signed, SIGNED! by OMNIpotusCOM · · Score: 5, Funny

    Where do I sign? Do you need blood? Money? A donation? How many times can I sign? Fucking I'LL SIGN!

    1. Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED! by OMNIpotusCOM · · Score: 5, Funny

      Thank you, ok, clicked the link. Sign petition button... they want my name... alright, Wil...Wheaton... email, wil@...wilwheaton.net... comment. Oh, this should be good. Alright, "Dr Shitboll, if the Special Olympics had a movie-making competition, you would win a medal... and not just one for participation like Wes Anderson."

      There, that should do it. Well now Wil can't petition... he probably wouldn't use his own name anyway. I'm sure he'd go with Brent Spiner or something. Ok, done and done.
    2. Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED! by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      what about the Mystery Science Theater 3000s and Cinematic Titanics of the future? Where will they buy the rights to destroy movies for a couple thousand dollars? Obviously you haven't been keeping up with Hollywood's latest technology. At this point you could do a whole season of MST3k just by hitting IMDB and doing a search for any movie featuring a dragon.
    3. Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED! by SoulDrift · · Score: 5, Funny

      he probably wouldn't use his own name anyway .

      Yeah, he'd probably come up with some sort of clever nickname.

  2. Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll? by jollyreaper · · Score: 5, Funny

    Having never seen a Uwe Boll movie, can someone tell me what's so bad about him? He's got some serious hate going on on the internet, and I'm just a bit curious as to why? Imagine a modern hog factory farm, imagine the veritable rivers of semi-liquid feces squelching downhill from the oinking, shuffling pigflesh. Imagine a rope around your leg, the far end attached to a speedboat. Imagine being pulled backwards through that stinking mass, mouth clenched tight against your bile but still the runny shit makes it up your nostrils and down your throat, between your eyelids, burning your retinas, the impact of the brown waves against your body like sledgehammers.

    If you can tell me what's so bad about that, I can tell you what's so bad about Uwe Boll movies.
    --
    Kwisatz Haderach
    Sell the spice to CHOAM
    This Mahdi took Shaddam's Throne
  3. Re:A Challenge by calebt3 · · Score: 5, Funny

    Oh of course. We stopped OOXML's ISO fast-tracking cold.

  4. Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll? by OldManAndTheC++ · · Score: 5, Funny

    Imagine a modern hog factory farm, imagine the veritable rivers of semi-liquid feces squelching downhill from the oinking, shuffling pigflesh. Imagine a rope around your leg, the far end attached to a speedboat. Imagine being pulled backwards through that stinking mass, mouth clenched tight against your bile but still the runny shit makes it up your nostrils and down your throat, between your eyelids, burning your retinas, the impact of the brown waves against your body like sledgehammers. Or to put it another way, if you were to take the paragraph above and adapt it as a screenplay, the result would be better than any Uwe Boll movie.
    --
    Soylent Green is peoplicious!
  5. Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll? by Wizard+Drongo · · Score: 5, Funny

    Heh, brings to mind a description on a torrent site of the first (and co-incidentally last) I ever saw. I had to download it after I saw this. I thought it couldn't be that bad... I was wrong. Here's the quote: "Without doubt, this is the worst film ever made, and probably that will ever be made. It is not worth the cost of a cinema ticket, it is not worth the cost of the power it took to keep my computer running to download it, it is not worth the cost of the power to keep your tv on as you watch it. It is not even worth killing the electrons that power that tv's tube, infinitesimal though their brief, tortured lives were. Avoid."

    --
    The truth shall always be free: Boris Floricic is Tron.
  6. Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll? by glittalogik · · Score: 5, Funny

    The problem is not that he's making movies, it's the movies he's making. He's being put at the helm of some of our favourite game franchise crossovers, and then butchering them mercilessly.

    Imagine your favourite game in the world. You've beaten it on Legendary 15 times. You've read every spinoff novel. You've unlocked every single outfit and cooking utensil. Not only have you rescued the princess, you've persuaded her to get hot-coffee-mod-freaky with you. You own figurines of every single character AND the entire dev team. There's a personal dedication to you on the inside cover of the walkthrough. You've taken out whole battalions with 100% headshots using a catapult and a bag of frozen peas.

    This game is your everything. Others might not understand, but it makes you happy, and that's all that counts. Then you find out that there's going to be a movie. On a given release date in the near future, your life will be complete. You impose a media blackout on yourself - no previews, no trailers, no interviews. Nothing that will spoil the anticipation, the cloud of pure joy on which you're floating. This is going to be the best shit ever.

    The day arrives. You're at the first screening in the country, sitting front and centre. You've driven 1500 miles to be there. Your hands are shaking. You can't stop grinning. ...

    Two hours later, your eyeballs are bleeding. The only reason you're still alive is that you chewed your own foot off. All that you know and love lies in smoking ruins.

    The credits roll... "Directed by: Uwe Boll"

    You get where I'm going with this, yeah?

  7. Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll? by Your+Pal+Dave · · Score: 5, Funny

    Imagine your favourite game in the world. You've beaten it on Legendary 15 times. You've read every spinoff novel. You've unlocked every single outfit and cooking utensil. Not only have you rescued the princess, you've persuaded her to get hot-coffee-mod-freaky with you. You own figurines of every single character AND the entire dev team. There's a personal dedication to you on the inside cover of the walkthrough. You've taken out whole battalions with 100% headshots using a catapult and a bag of frozen peas.

    [...]

    You get where I'm going with this, yeah? Umm, you really need a girlfriend?