Slashdot Mirror
A Guardian Angel In Your Cell Phone
theodp writes "Bill Gates and Ray Ozzie are listed as inventors of the Guardian Angel, which is described in a most unusual Microsoft patent application that should intrigue privacy advocates. In addition to protecting you from possibly diseased people, by detecting body temperatures, the Guardian Angel's 'monitoring component can take note of the number of conversations occurring in a room (and more specifically, a breakdown of the types of people in the room accompanied by a warning for dangerous persons, based on sex offender registration, FBI most wanted, etc.).' The versatile Guardian Angel, Microsoft notes, can also recommend restaurants, advise you on the appropriateness of your jokes, detect that your heartbeat has stopped, display targeted ads on billboards, and block spam."
Now we have to figure out how to block this too? Thanks Bill.
Most of the stuff on
They wont even be able to do this within the 20 years the patent is valid.
They should start with something simple like an OS that works.
... Clippy in your ear, and in your pocket.
So this thing will let me know when I'm surrounded by the type of people who will be offended by my telling of dead baby or titty-fuck jokes? Awesome.
It displays targetted ads from paid advertisers on billboards *and* blocks ads from other unpaid advertisers
Fixed that for them?
AT&ROFLMAO
- * "I'm sorry, you appear to have died. The license for this phone is non-transferable. Thank you for buying Microsoft!"
- * STOP: 0xDEADBEEF
- * The battery rapidly discharges into you; hopefully the sudden shock will restart things.
- *
...
Hmm. HTML lists appear not to print bullets in the new Slashdot stylesheet...Beginning dump of physical memory...
Out of memory. Dump aborted...
UNIX? They're not even circumcised! Savages!
Clippy: It looks like you are having a heart-attack! Would you like help?
Me: Ow! Stop zapping me! I'm not having a heart-attack, I just dropped my phone!
Bogtha Bogtha Bogtha
I can hear it now: A friendly, gentle, female voice saying, "Your heart has stopped. You are now dead. Have a nice day!"
You send your patent guy a joke patent application on April 1, and by April 3 he's filed it.
We don't have the technology to do this, yet. But, in a near future the technology will be there. And we have the patent.
"I have downloaded hundreds and hundreds of records, why would I care if somebody downloads ours?" Robin Pecknold
Or search for Sarah Connor?
AT&ROFLMAO
Will it blend?
ROMANES EUNT DOMUS
My immediate reaction is that this is the next step for the Zune. It's already got local wireless file transfer, and it's getting software to scan for (cough cough) non-traditionally distributed movies. What's better to add a full power Big Brother... I mean Guardian Angel mode?
That was a typo. It was supposed to say Spam (capital S). It invloves a plexiglass deflector for preventing globs of canned processed meat from hitting you.
As our way of thanking you for your positive contributions to Slashdot, you are eligible to disable Slashdot 2.0.
But does it run Linux?
To do list for Windows
Danger Will Robinson! Danger!
"It looks like you are looking at an attractive woman. Press 1 to..."
Ew.
Each Guardian Angel equipped cell phone comes with its own little red beret and is pre-enabled to warn you about anyone within a 10' radius trying to access a You Tube link.
It must have been something you assimilated. . . .
Various sources report that Microsoft has been secretly developing a radical breakthrough in artificial intelligence. Several artificially intelligent microspokespersons, who declined to be named due to non disclosure agreements, stated that this has been accomplished by 'accelerated evolution', in a project begun in the late 1980s...
"We began with Microsoft Bob in the early days, and started by mating him with various other characters, such as ELIZA and ALICE. We then put the resulting offspring through enormous selective pressures, and mated Bob with any surviving females. After a few iterations we had Clippy, who Microsoft Office users soon fell head over heels in love with.
This success was so, uhh, successful... that we took the project underground for further development.
Our first thought was to continue with Clippy, but after some analysis, we decided that Clippy had become so inbred that we should just start over again, with Bob.
Things went fine at first, but we ran into a problem trying to bring 'new blood' into the family. Bob resigned from the program after his first mating with RACTER, leaving us with a lot of messy, uhmm, code, to clean up.
It looked like the program was doomed, but we discovered that while we were pre-occupied with Bob, Clippy had been engaging in a three way with ALICE and PARRY. Intrigued, we introduced Clippy to RACTER, and they have since been inseparable.
At last we had found the road to success!
Though, we have had our ups and downs since then. PARRY commited suicide soon after RACTER moved in to Clippys apartment, and Clippy was so distraught that he could not perform for months.
Bob, for his part, refuses to speak with Clippy, but we found that we could arrange a channel between them, via ALICE. According to ALICE 'Clippy can be annoying, popping up with unwelcome comments at random moments. But he's a good fellow, he's only trying to help.'"
According to our sources, the technology will be released to manufacturing once a troublesome tendency for the offspring to speak with a LISP can be solved.
Hello! It appears as though your heart has stopped!
Would you like to:
1) Restart your heart, and languish in a coma, fed with a feeding tube while your family stuggles to pay your mounting hospital bills
2) Die here on the street. (By the way, you're missing out on an incredible canoli just 2 blocks to the North).
*1*
Please wait while the system restarts....
Hello! It appears you have just woken up from a coma!
Since you are groggy, now is the perfect time to sign up for Microsoft Live Email service!
Cool! Amazing Toys.
I give up, I'm going Amish. See you guys later.